A few more pictures, updates and thoughts :)

oh, how time flies... I cannot believe that Christmas is over, and now we are about to usher in a new year. I'm excited however, for the new year!! Come on New year!! he he :) Christmas was soo much fun. This year was about as care-free as it gets, and I got to enjoy my family. I have not laughed that hard, or eaten that much in I don't know how long. My family makes me so happy. We really love each other so much, and I am so thankful for that.
I have gotten a lot of time to hang out with my baby brother, and that has been amazing as well. He is so great, and always just makes me feel better about life in general. My mom and dad have been great to hang out with as well... they make me realize how much of a stress-ball I am, and how much I need to just calm down and relax. This has been a reminder I was in much need of with school ending, and me embarking upon a new life.. whatever that may be.
I will be going to live with my grandparents for a little while until I find a job and have money to live on my own. They are amazing to let me come live with them, and I enjoy them so much. I think it will be good, although I am itching to have my own place.. I want to decorate and such. I am going to be looking for a job as well. As of right now, the plan is just to sub until I take the test in February, and then hopefully I will find a teaching job somewhere. (God is control)
God has been good to me this year... not that he usually isn't, but God has shown me so much in this past year.... I am thankful for that. More than any of you can know, I am thankful. I have been in a constant state of change, and when I think I can't handle anymore, he has continually taught me this year to look to him, and just give it over to him... and he will figure out the rest. :) This has been a good lesson for me to learn. I am so hard-headed... even now, after he has shown me so much. Maybe this year, I will become less hard-headed and more trusting of what the Lord has in store for me. Oh how great that would be, huh. :)
here are some things I would like to do in this coming year, although, I will NOT call them resolutions.. bc resolutions usually do not happen.
1. I hope to Pass the teaching exams and become an English Teacher.
2. Really become more involved in my church
3. Learn how to sew, so maybe I can actually try to design a few different pieces of clothing that I have drawn up...
4. Trust the Lord more, and continually go to Him, not forgettting what He has brought me through this year, and given me the courage to do this year.
5. Not stress so much and again, TRUST
6. overcome some personal "issues" I have
7. Be less selfish and more giving
8. Less materialistic... I'm working on this, but this is hard when you love fashion as much as I do, although this is NOT a good excuse.
9. Start running on a more normal basis.

One more thing before I go, by the way, thanks for hanging me with this long, if you have... But I have realized something tonight, that those of you that are close to me already might have known.. I am a romantic. I hope and want the ideal. I love romance. I love it when people get engaged... I love the idea of marraige, and watching people who are in love. I love to read about it, I love to watch it, I love weddings and everything they entail. I know marraige will not all be a fairy tale, or that is what I have been told, but I am obsessed with romance. I don't know if this is really that good of a thing, because this tends to drift into my thought life. Some people have very deep dream lives.. this may be mine. So I will be exploring that more... the good and the BAD of this... its good to be rational, but I also know, it is good to see the postive of things.. which I think I do when I get so excited about romance. Anybody with me on this one!?!?!

I love you all!! Enjoy the pics!!

Merry Christmas Everyone!!

Well, today has been fantastic!! I just wanted to get on here for a second and wish all of you a Merry Christmas!! :) I hope that you all are having, and had as wonderful of a time, as my family and I did!! Our Christmas was filled with lots of deep laughter, and lots of hugging! (A staple in the Keplinger/Swafford family lines!!) I say all this, but also remember the reason we are celebrating, and that would be OUR SWEET JESUS!! Aren't we so blessed that we have a Savior who came to this earth, and gave his blameless, spotless life for our dirty, guilty ones.
I really enjoy Christmas, sometimes a little too much... well, if that is humanly possible ;) What I mean by this is, I am the girl who starts listening to Christmas music in October, the person, everyone complains about when they must ride in the car with me when it is Halloween, and I have already started the Christmas season. Although I like to celebrate Christmas as early as possible, this year was very different in terms of how excited I was about it. I have yet to really share this on my blog, and I will not go into detail, but I broke off an engagement in July, and this has made this year a bit tramatic for me. Trumatic may not be the correct phrasing, however, it has been a year filled with major highs and lows. But God has been very present throughout this year, and I would not trade it for anything. I know that may sound crazy, but I say this with all honesty. I am a very sentimental person, and Christmas time being my favorite time of the year, I was a little more lerry, and ready for the Holiday season to be over since things were so different from how I planned them last year. I would find myself listening to the radio, or Christmas music, and just really wanting it to be over because of the memories it would bring to my mind... then on Christmas Eve while spending time with the Lord, it hit me like a ton of bricks. What is the reason for the season Ashley... ummm, that would be ME. Not whatever sentimental things or the commercial excitement you have associated with this holiday, no, it is Me, I am the reason for this time. After this dawned on me, everything seemed to really fall into place. Although I had some amazing times with people last year, and this year I am not in the same place as I was last year, or where I thought I would be, that does not matter. You see the Lord saved this person, this person with all her gross, filthy sin, took my place, so that I may be one of His children. This has just made me rethink a lot of things in my life.
Many of you may already be in this place, you may have realized this already when you pastor told you what the REAL reason for the season was, but for me, it has taken a little longer. I know many people may not agree that I should make myself so vulnerable before everyone who is reading my blog by referring to my broken engagement, but you know what.. no one is perfect, everyone has flaws, everyone has broken hearts sometime or another, and sometimes, I think it is when we get vulnerable with each other when the real healing begins.
The Lord has done a lot in my life this year, and I can choose to look at it in a negative way, or choose to view it in a positive light. The Lord has given me every reason in the world to view it in the positive light. Thank you Jesus for your Precious, Sweet, Sacrificing Son, and thank you for grace, and renewal when we seek you!! :)
I love you all, thanks for sharing in my life with me!! Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday Jesus!! :)

2007

1. DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR: Nicole Summerville... we went and got Sweet Tea from Chick-fil-A a lot this past year.
2. LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (LONGEST FRIEND) Nicole Summerville and Bjer
3. NEWCOMER AWARD (NEWEST FRIEND) All the Girls in my Homegroup :)
4. HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR: Learning God is enough.
5. LOW POINT OF THE YEAR: Several Lowpoints, and those of you closest to me probably know what the one low point would be....
6. BEST HOLIDAY: THANKSGIVING... and I would say Christmas, but it hasn't gotten here yet, although I think it will be a great one!!
7. YOUR SONG FOR 2007 : I have had quite a year, thus I have quite a soundtrack to my life, so I have several: You should have said no- Taylor Swift, I Boast No More- Caedmon's Call, The Village Worship CD, A Fine Frenzy... well the entire CD, and the entire Paramore CD. (I've had quite a year..) Oh, and Bethany Dillon has got me through quite a bit as well :)
8. MOVIE FOR 2007 BELLA!! Go see it!!
9. WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINE'S WITH? Brice.
10. WHAT WERE YOU FOR HALLOWEEN? Nothin, but I wore a Peanuts Halloween Shirt to my linguistics Class :)
11. BEST RELATIONSHIP: my relationship with Jesus
12. PARTY OF THE YEAR : ummm... I haven't really been to any parties I don't think.
13. BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR: Following what the Lord wanted me to do...
14. WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR? Hopefully find a teaching job!!
15. TV SHOW OF THE YEAR: Tie between The Office and Grey's Anatomy
16. MOST LOYAL FRIEND: Elise Thoma
17. BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR: I think you know what it is if ya know me :)
18. BIGGEST INSPIRATION OF 2007:??
19. BIGGEST INSPIRATION OF 2008:??
.20. NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS: Work out on a more regular basis to ensure a healthy lifestyle.

Ode to my Parents

My mom and Dad are so very in love, and I love it, and am so thankful for this. Since they have moved to Houston, I have not really gotten the oppurtunity to just come around and stay for awhile, but since the break I have been able to do this. Just to be around them is a joy, but even more than that, it is a lesson. They love each other so much. Not only is it that deep love, the love that has been built on respect and years of being together, but it is the giddy, they really, REALLY love each other kind of love. I mean, they are so cute, they kind of gross me out sometimes even! :) All this to say, I hope I am like that 20 years from now. I really hope, and pray that I am as in love with my husband as they are with each other. They love each other so much, and truely, truely think and know they are it for each other. The way my dad talks about my mom when she is not around, is only uplifting, and reflective upon the fact that he loves her so much. He not only loves her, he respects her as a person, and really loves her individuality. He does not stiffle anything about her, but rather, lets her be silly and fun, and yet, sees her deep side equally as well. My mom loves him just as much. Today, for instance, she spent the whole day working on the yard, so my dad would not have to do it before we left on Saturday. She was so excited for him to see it, and he was very appreciative. Even going out with my dad tonight, he thinks deeply about what gifts to get my mother. I mean, the amount of thought this man puts into presents should not be overlooked, he really wants my momma to be happy.
I know that there is no love that is like Christ's, and I also know that one should never think that a human's love can be a substitution for Christs love (which I think is an important lesson for us all) BUT it is nice to see my parents so in love with one another. It is not only refreshing, but encouraging.
I just had a really good night and past couple of days, and I am just so happy I have parents that are still so much in love. Thankful and Happy, that is what I am tonight.
Merry Christmas to all of you, if I do not post before then. I love you all more than you know!
Ashie

College Graduation

So, I am not offially a college graduate. Fun, huh!?!?! Now, I get to enjoy Christmas time, and then it is on to study for my Teaching Exams, and hopefully on to teaching!! yah!! I want to teach highschool English!! I am getting pretty excited about it, and trying not to be anxious about finding a job. I think what I have decided to do is just sub for awhile, since I will be studying for the test and taking it in February!!

Elf Yourself

Elf Yourself! See how I did it!
http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1175740768

Thoughts..

There are a few things that have changed within me in the past 6 1/2 months, and one of them is how much I believe in romance. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE romance, and I am one of those girls that will get overwhelmingly giddy when I hear an amazing love story, or all sappy when I watch or read one, but, yet, for me, I do not know how much I believe that they happen. Maybe I am just being cynical, and maybe this is just a stage I am going through, who knows.. but sometimes I wonder are things really genuine. Are there men out there who are genuine, and will not lie about things to make you feel better.. or even more honestly, to make themselves look better. Why is it that white lies look so wonderful at first to people, so much so that they choose to lie, and then in turn do not look at how it can affect a person in the long run. Maybe you are different, maybe you would like to be danced around the truth with to make things a little easier, but I would sure rather be told the truth.
Maybe it is the age I am at, maybe it is the amount of immature people (on both sides, male and female), or maybe it is a lack of communication, but I am ready for Mr. Genuine to come along. The thing is.. I may think I am ready, but I know the Lord has told me that I am not. So, for this fact, I will wait. I will wait for Mr. Genuine to come along, and romance me. Although a lot of my views have changed, I think that there is a Mr. Genuine out there for me. He is learning too, and may not even be ready to think about who he is going to marry, but I know the Lord is preparing me for someone, and that someone for me. So, maybe I can consider that romance. Maybe I should stop looking for "ideal" world version, and be content where I am. I need to be patient. I need to know that the Lord's plan is better, and to get ahead of him is not only dumb, but sinful.
So, don't judge me, but I am about to quote Grey's Anatomy: "And I think its better to have someone, even if it hurts. even if it is painful, even if it is the most painful thing you ever have to do, I think it is better to have someone."
My dreams of the ideal are not realistic, because in reality there is no ideal. I can hope, I can really want, but one thing I am learning is no one is perfect. We all mess up, that is how we are made, we are sinful. So when we were sat in front of TVs to watch these beautiful pictures and stories of love, how come no one told us that is not the way it is? I will answer that.. because who wants to have a dream deferred. No one really wants that, even if you are a person who constantly wants to live in Truth, and not have any sort of idealistic ambitions, I think, in someway, we all dream. Our dreams may be different, but we all hope in or for something. We all do it. So, we can sit, look and decide that it is dumb to hope in some dream that we have.. mine, being true love, or we can hope, and trust. We can trust that it will all work out in the end, and know that us worrying about it will not make it come any sooner. So I think that I am going to choose to do the latter. Now, I am probably going to have some rough days with this, but, in the end, I know I will choose the hope. It always seems to win out. Besides, what do we have to lose?

Photo Shoot :)

Me

Alyssa

The Girls: Alyssa, Rachel, me and Elissa

me

again

The Girls again

Alyssa and I :)

We almost got hit by some cars for this one!! jk!! elise looked out for us :)

One of my best friends Elise (http://www.elise-marie.blogspot.com/) took a few photos, well about 300 shots or so, but she photoshopped a few for a project, and I would like to display some of her work!! The theme was Singin in the Rain!! She is ammmaazzinnggg :) Good Job Elise! If you would like to see more, you can go to her blog link that is listed above.

That is all for right now... who knows, I may post again tonight, or I may post sometime soon. Graduation is on Friday, and my whole family is coming in tomorrow night, so I should have some more pictures up soon. The Lord is showing me a lot of things right now, and my heart is very full, so I am sure I will have a lot to write soon. I am just sorting through many different thoughts right now. Love you guys ohhh sooo much!! :)

I surrender all

I have many thoughts going through my head, many of which are really worries. I am very worried about graduating, and what is going to happen after I graduate. In talking with about 3 other people that are also graduating in a week with me, I have realized that I am not the only one having anxieties about the upcoming graduation date, and what is to come after it. I guess I just thought as soon as I got out of school I would have people wanting to employ me. ha ha, I think most of us thought we would at least have 1 job lined up for after we graduate, yet now, we are afraid that we are going to have to go live back home forever and work at the mall. (not that there is anything wrong with working at the mall, but not exactly what I am shooting for for myself personally.) Yesterday I asked to be humbled, and let me tell you I was. I will leave out the details of how I was exactly humbled yesterday, but I find myself laughing and being grateful for the humor that the Lord has. I am so thankful that He loves me enough to humble me and show me that his grace and mercy is enough.
Last night, not even joking, I was so stressed out my jaw locked up. I literally could not open my mouth all the way. When I get stressed out my body seems to get very mad at me and do very weird, and things that are just annoying to deal with. Today I was reminded of the verse that says who of you adds one hour to their life by worrying? Sweet friends, I have lost a lot of hours to worrying and fretting, and not trusting the Lord with the Big stuff, and also the little details of life. I keep having dreams that something happens, and that I will not graduate. Me and my friends were talking about how everything is riding on us graduating... there are family members coming in, parties that are being given, along with food that has been bought for this one occasion. We are all so ready to be out of school, or so we think, and then we find ourselves really questioning if we are really, truly ready to get out into the real world, out of our little DBU bubble. I want so badly so many things, but I do not know if the Lord has those planned for my life. I keep going back and forth between teaching high school and just wanting to work with youth, or young women in a church. I have been feeling like the only way I can do things is through Christ, which really should just be a basic principle by now, but has taken me about 14 years to grasp. But what I mean by this is that my knowledge fails so much of the time. I get scared.. scared if I can teach someone, and impart knowledge to them. But when I am studying The Word, I feel so at home. Like it is what I am supposed to be doing with my life. Maybe this is how everyone feels, and it is not a call to ministry, but then again, maybe it isn't? I have been praying through this for awhile now, but I really feel like the Lord is about to do a lot in me in the next couple of months. I am scared, and at the same time I feel like the Lord has been preparing me this for awhile. Who knows... maybe I am way off. But either way, the Lord is good, and he knows what HE is doing, and I cannot add one hour to my life by worrying. I also was reading the verse out of Jeremiah 10:23, that just pretty much says that man does not direct his own steps, but the Lord does. Thank Jesus for that!! :)
Well, this has been a nice little break from writing my discourse analysis for linguistics, but I must go back to the daily grind!! he he :) Love you guys, thanks for always listening.
Ashie

Some pictures...

So... I thought I would post some pictures since my blog is sooo lacking in this area. Being as I cannot find my camera cord for the life of me, these will have to do from now. Hopefully I will get the Thanksgiving pics up by Christmas! I love you all!! :)
ps- You like my new Christmas-y blog!?!?! It was in need a change!

Daddy, bjer and I

The girls at our UGG party!!

Me and Les smellin the fake flowers in Skittle.. aka my lime green bug!

Me and my daddy getting some camera time at PF Changs!!

Me and my bestest Cole after one of our sanity sessions! ha!

Me and Robin sippin on some starbucks on our way back from church!
This pic is from almost a year ago before the baseball banquest with Elise and Amanda!

Again, but with Cole, Blair, me and Steph!

Me and Cole after Homecoming... Doesn't she look beautiful!! She was in the court!

After Church, before homegroup, makin a sonic stop: Elise, Alyssa and I :)

Thearuptic

I don't know if this is just for me, actually I know from talking with some girls, that it isn't, however, just in the case that you have never done this I will preface with the famous "I don't know if this is just me..." but I am a big music therapy kind of girl. I LOVE music, and a lot of times I think the artists capture what my heart is feeling, but I cannot so readily get onto paper or out of my mouth like these amazing artists. My friend Elise has told me about a new group, well I don't know how new they are, but they are new to me.. anywho, she burnt me the CD, but I haven't gotten it from her so yesterday I went out and bought it. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.
I tried to put their little CD cover on here.. but again, not technologically savvy enough.. its kind of annoying.
All this to say, you should really check them out. I go through stages with music, especially when I am going through a hard time, or trying to get over some things, and this CD is PEFECT for right now. Its melodious piano tunes make we want to just sit by the fire, perhaps drink a glass of wine, curl up with a warm, soft blanket and journal. This girl is freakin amazing with writing. I went to thier website as well, and there are journal entries. The website is www.afinefrenzy.com You should check it out!! This Cd is amazing, below I have written out some of her lyrics to a song. SOOOO GOOOOODDDD!!!!Near To You- A Fine Frenzy

near to you he and I had something beautiful

but so dysfunctional, it couldn't last

I loved him so but I let him go‘

cause I knew he'd never love me back

such pain as this shouldn't have to be experienced

I'm still reeling from the loss, still a little bit delirious

near to you, I am healing

but it's taking so long

'cause though he's gone and you are wonderful

it's hard to move on

yet, I'm better near to you.

you and I have something differentand I'm enjoying it cautiously

I'm battle scarred, but I am working oh so hard

to get back to who I used to be

he's disappearing, fading steadily

well, I'm so close to being yours, won’t you stay with me, please

near to you, I am healing

but it's taking so long

'cause though he's gone and you are wonderful

it’s hard to move on

yet, I'm better near to you

I only know that I am better where you are

I only know that I am better where you are

I only know that I belong where you are

near to you, I am healing

but it's taking so long

'cause though he's gone

and you are wonderfulit’s hard to move on

yet, I'm better near to you

The GIFT of Singleness?

I am going to be real honest and let my soul bear a bit more than I usually do tonight. I feel like I need to get this out.. thus, I guess I am going to blog it out.

I so easily get frustrated with where my life is at. Why do I do this? It is really interesting to me when one moment I can be completely content and grateful, for instance YESTERDAY, and be really happy with where the Lord has put me and really start to see it through the Lord's vantage point, rather than mine, and then go to the way I am feeling right now. I long for companionship.. and where that isn't all bad, why isn't the Lord's companionship enough? Why can that not be my fill... because lets just be honest here, until the Lord is the only companionship that I need, there is no room for me to be in any kind of relationship with someone. When I start to miss this companionship, get down and think that it is never going to happen, or just let my mind run wild with so many different ideas that are absurd, this is when I know I have my blinders on. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes me awhile to catch myself, but eventually, the Lord shows me where I am wrong, and I run to him once again with my wounded heart, and He once again takes care of me and comforts me, thus showing me He is my fill. He is my portion.

I do not think it is wrong to desire companionship... but guys, for me to be longing for it is really kind of ridiculous. I mean, I have been out of relationship for something like 6 months, and to be honest, this is the longest amount of time I have been single since the beginning of my junior year of highschool. I mean, Ash could probably stand some single time. But these preconceived notions of where I thought and felt I should be right now keep coming up. I KNOW that I am where I am supposed to be, for a fact, and I know that the Lord has me single right now for a reason. I know he is using this time to develop the me that I so desperately long to be IN HIM. But, that does not always mean that I am excstatic all of the time about this. Which, really, I feel like that is ungrateful and selfish, and so many other things.

Some of you may be reading this thinking this girl is so dramatic, 6 months of being single, that is dumb for her to be sad about not having anyone, and if you think that, so be it. But, I know it is ridiculous. I don't like when I feel this way. The weird thing is somehow, through this string of events, I have become okay with being single.. but I still miss that companionship and long for it someday, but I really do not think the Lord is done working with me and molding me. I think the Lord is showing me so many areas of control, pride and selfishness that have to be worked out before that "special one" comes along for me. So... maybe longing for that special one is not the right wording for the way I am feeling.. but at times I do miss companionship like I used to have. The thing is though, I wouldn't want to go back... well, obviously because of all the things that have happened since then, but even to the good times. I have had to stop listening to so many love songs because they stir my heart in ways that I do not need it be stirred right now.

The funny thing that I have really noticed in a lot of the love songs, is how a lot of lyrics say I want to just go back to that time, be back in that moment for awhile. To me that is so dumb. I think so often we live in the past, instead of embracing the present and looking to the future. Sometimes, we even get to caught up in the future, instead of living in the present. When we do this, we again put blinders on and I think, in some ways, confuse ourselves and make ourselves believe things are better than what they truly are. We start to live in fairy tale land, instead of examining the truth.

In the midst of spending time with the Lord tonight I came across this verse:
"For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:11

As the Lord is in the process of breaking me, and I am in the process of being disciplined through Him, I think that this verse is extremely encouraging. With everything going on in my heart, from fears of where my life is going, and what I am going to do in the future, to trying to be patient and find contentment where I am at, this is one of the truths that I going to cling to. I have to know that it later yields fruits of righteousness. I have to know that the Lord is going to take care of me and show me things that He wants me to see and know, but it will be in HIS time, not mine. Hard lesson, but I am learning it.

Love you guys, thanks for listening.
Ashie

Feeling Bloggy...

:) I am feeling like writing right now, so even though I promised that this next post would contain pictures, I guess I am afraid that I lied. I have yet to find my computer cord to my camera, but, nevertheless, I promise to get pictures up eventually for all 3 of you that read this!! :)
I am in one of those moods where my heart is heavy, but it is the good kind of heavy. I don't ever remember being at a point where I really, really yearn to get into the Lords word, and when I don't I literally do not feel full, or whole. I have gotten to this point. It is such a sweet, sweet time. I have about a week left, Lord-willing, and I will be done with College. This is such a sweet time, and a scary time at the same time. But I have such an overwhelming peace. I have just started to see the Lord working in so many different areas of my life that that in itself is just overwhelming when I think about it. Again, not overwhelming in a bad sense of the word. (I think many times we use words to indicate something is negative, but I think overwhelming doesn't necessarily have to be bad.) I am overwhelmed by his goodness and grace, and how He ALWAYS comes through. I worry about so many things. It is just what I do, but I am learning that I use this as an excuse way too much. There are ways to fix this, and the main way to fix this is to rely fully on the Lord, and Trust Him. This has been hard for me, but I am learning that this is the only way. I am at a point in which I am really coming to grips with where my life is, and I am thankful for it. I think I have gotten so caught up in what has happened in the past few months, and the circumstances that have surrounded it, that I have not been truly thankful for what the Lord is doing, has done, and has yet to do. I haven't been thankful. I haven't been truly grateful. Instead, I have griped, and asked for more, when I have exactly what I need in front of me! Him! I have my Sweet Jesus!! I will never need more than this. Yes, the Lord may choose to bless me in many different ways, and he has chosen to do this, but bottom-line, no matter what happens, I need to find my contentment in Him, and only Him. :)
I just feel Happy today. Happy and grateful, and so undeserving, but so thankful that he has chosen me to be one of his daughters. I think that there are many things that we get hung up on way too easily, and these things they tend to consume our thoughts. I think this can be dangerous. At least, it can be very dangerous for me. I am such an emotional person, so when I over-analyze people's actions towards me, or other things, I get so side tracked. I become fixated on things that I cannot change, and I allow them to affect me in ways that I shouldn't. I am just learning so much about myself and who I am in the Lord, and it is just freeing. I don't know another word to describe it. I really don't have much else to say other than I am so in love with the Lord, and so thankful for what He is doing in my life!!
I will leave you with a list of things that I am excited about doing after I graduate... I'm getting pumped people!!!!!! :) he he
1. Watch more T.v.- yes this may be dumb, but, nevertheless, I am excited about this! The shows I am excited about catching up on and just watching in general are as follows: Pushing Daisies, GREYS, Samantha Who (it has the what about Brian guy on it, which i am still upset that they canceled that show) and OCTOBER ROAD!
2. Read WHAT I WANT, not assignments, nope, what I want to read!! :) I have had a few book suggested to me, and if anybody else has suggestions, I would love to hear them!! yeahhhhh!!
3. Less stress perhaps? At least maybe the dreams about not showing up to classes in time will stop. (Yes, I am the dork that has those dreams!)
4. The feeling one gets when they experience new things! It is that nervy, but excited, butterflies feeling! I am excited about this!!
5. To see where God is going to put me!!

I love you all!
Ashie

TO BE CONTINUED...

There are times when I get in this "lets be oganized mood" and it always comes in the most inoppurtune times. For instance, the next two weeks are going to be MAJORLY busy because I am about to graduate, and I have many, MANY papers. :) So, when this happens, I like EVERYTHING to be spotlessly clean, and organized. So I get in these moods where I organize everything, and put it in its perfect spot. Now the reason I am telling you all this, is because before I left for Thanksgiving I decided to get into one of these moods. Now... I cannot find my camera hookup for my computer. No fear, I will find it, but all this to say, I will have pictures up soon documenting life and Thanksgiving, I just have to figure where my organized self put the cord!! :) (I always lose things when I am frazzled!! Figures :)) I love you all, my heart has been really heavy lately, and the Lord has shown me sooooooo much in the past few days and I can't wait to share it with ya'll!! So this is TO BE CONTINUED...
I love you all A LOT!
Ashie

WHAT A DAY...

So today, has been a little less that satisfactory. Wait... let me rephrase this... THIS MORNING was HARD, and after that.. things have gotten a lot better. As we speak... or well, as I type, I am listening to the great Jeff Johnson, and just trying to regroup before I have to go to class in like five or ten minutes.
Just to give you a lowdown... my computer decided to stop working last night. Which along with not working, it decided to take my 12-15 pg paper with it. Bit the dust people. Now if you know me, you know I tend to get stressed quite easily, so this through me over the edge. It was partly my fault however, because I choose to procrastinate. Thankfully, my sweet teacher is giving me an extension until FRIDAY... oh how much I love her, ya'll will never know.
Guys, I had a hard morning. I had quite a few panic attacks, but one thing the Lord is TEACHING me, and I mean by teaching me, making me live through it and showing me that HIS will is BEST, and mine IS NOT. Also, that I HAVE to trust Him, and there is not anyone else that I can put that trust in. My heart is still recovering from so many things, but God is good. This is hard to see during a time of panic, but the Lord is good. I am learning to just, not only say but know THE LORD IS ENOUGH.

Today is my birthday. 22. I'm getting older :) I thought I would be in a totally different place than I am right now on this birthday, but again, the Lord is showing me his plans are better. If you are reading this, I need prayer. The Lord is good, and I know he never gives us more than we can handle, but I never want to hesistate in asking for prayer!! I need it.. my heart is mending from many things, and the Lord is breaking me. :) It is good though. I have to go to class now.. I will blog a little bit more later!
I love you all!!
Happy Early Thanksgiving! :)

In His Time

Days like today are what I like to call "thinking days". There are a lot of things that are on my heart and mind today, and sometimes on these days, they are the times when during the day I just want to be left alone awhile so that I can think. These are the days when thinking and analyzing things may be considered a good thing, rather than a bad thing. (At times when I analyze things, I tend to over analyze them, and thus drive myself insane.)
Everything is in His time.... I think we all to a certain degree know this, but understanding this fact is a whole different arena. Many times we know the truth, but we don't choose to believe or trust that it is right and better than what we may have planned. For all of you that know me, you know how much I love my grandparents. I really have been blessed to have such an amazing family, and grandparents who love the Lord and show me daily what it is to walk in his will. I really like to sing. My Mimi really likes to play the piano, so sometimes we talk about music, or show each other different songs, and then Mimi (who is amazing and can play by ear) will play the songs on the piano, and I will sometimes sing along. It is a good time. Today, I came over to their house and we were eating lunch and just chatting about different things. We started to talk about everything that I am worried about... and that is a lot. I really think that if I did not worry, I would have a lot of idle time on my hands. Anyways, she was like, I have a song for you to look at. She brought out the hymnal. (Which I believe was my Nana's... who I will refer to in a second) And she showed me this song called "In His Time".
The words go:
In his time, in his time
he makes all things beautiful in his time
Lord, please show me every day, As you're teaching my Your way
That You do just what You say in Your time
In Your time, In Your time
You make all things beautiful in Your time
Lord, my life to You I bring; May each song I have to sing
Be to you a lovely thing in your time

Then, she went in the other room and played the song for me. Its beautiful. For some reason, anytime anyone plays the piano, I automatically think about my Nana. My Nana was an amazing woman, and I had the opportunity of getting to know while she lived with my Mimi. Although, I did not get to experience her in her prime, I got to see her in her hardest time. She had dementia when she moved down here. I watched her as she lost a lot of her memories, and then different flashes of things would come back to her. She was disoriented a lot of the time, but she still had this sense of peace about her. I watched as the family reacted and saw how they dealt with my Nana loosing a lot of the memories that she once so readily could share. But, what was amazing to me throughout the whole thing is, that Nana never lost her love and want for the Lord. She was constantly talking about His Goodness, or His grace, or carrying the Bible around saying she was going to church. (And if you told her it was not Wednesday or Sunday, she would get a little miffed!) But, I just watched how, even through her memory loss, the love she knew, never left her, and she knew that. She may have forgotten many things, but the one thing she could rely on, the one thing that stood the test of time, was Christ's truth and love.
I guess I start thinking about her, and a lot of times people say we are a lot alike, personality wise that is, and she is just an amazing role model. She is the thing that I think about when people refer to people of faith. This woman was amazing... she loved the lord, trusted the Lord, and knew that He would never leave her and always protect her. She knew his plan was better, even through the worst of times. I think about her, and I think about everything she went through, and stories I was told about her, and I just can't fathom having that faith. But, alas, I pray for that kind of faith. I pray for the faith and courage of when all else fails, that I would rely on the truth of Christ, and know His ways are better than my own, and his timing is better than mine.
I have been praying for many different things lately, and just confessing to the Lord my weaknesses, because lets face it, I can only be strong through Christ. It has been a frustrating time, but there is a sense of peace in it all. The Lord knows what He is doing... and bottom line, that should be enough for me. It should be enough for me that he has given me grace, and love, and has given me another day. I should focus on the here and now, and what He has called me to, today, instead of worrying about what is going to happen to me in the future. Now, if I could really just apply that and believe that, I would be doing good :)
The Lord's love is unfathomable, rich, kind, and full of grace. I am thankful for that.

Just a few thoughts... love you guys, thanks for listening.
Ashie

Random

Since I just really want to blog, and I am wasting time till my class starts (yes people, a class on Friday night, can we say lame) then I thought I would just write some random thoughts!

1. I have eaten at chick-fil-a about 3 times this week, which may seem excessive, but really that is a good amount for me. I usually eat there about 6-8 times in a week. Yes I know, I should be a chicken nugget by now.

2. I have been a little obsessed with rap music lately, because I have a new found love of dancing. I know... this may be ridiculous, and honestly, I just like the beats and find it fun to dance. I want to hold a dance party at my apartment. Any one like to join??? :)

3. I am obsessed with Christmas officially. It took me a little longer to get into the Christmas Spirit, but now I can say that I have officially begun my Christmas Extravaganza... I would like to make Christmas last as long as possible.

4. I took my friend Alyssa to my favorite bagel and coffee shop in Arlington and I think she loves it almost as much as I do, which means I might have a friend to go with me from time to time!! YEah!!

5. I am in love with Alicia Key's new CD as well as the Paramore CD. Quite Frankly, the Paramore Cd is just liberating!!

6. My birthday is a couple of days away and I will be 22... I feel old, even though that is relatively young.

7. I purchased Christmas Air Fresheners for my car recently because Skittle, my lime green bug, has started to smell like crayons. (I don't know why this phenomena happens, but it has) and it masked the smell for a while, but now my car smells like a pine tree forest with lots of crayons in it. SAD DAY.

8. Some of my best friends are going to New York for Thanksgiving, and where I am slightly jelous (this might be an understatement), they are going to take pictures of Christmasy things and then maybe frame them for me!!

9. I downloaded two new Christmas Ring tones on my phone... one sung by Ella, the other by Bing. (Sorry daddy, I couldn't resist)

10. I am obsessed with J-crew, and I think I have found the graduation dress that I want.

Okay, well that is all. I must go to my class right now. BOOOOO!!
Have a good night all!! Love you guys!

Taking a Break...

I am taking a break from the Shakespeare paper that I have procrastinated on, and am now reaping the consequences of this by writing it on a Saturday night! :) ha ha, oh well, I have actually been kind of getting into it. Call me me crazy, but I kind of like to write papers. I think they are fun once you get started and organize everything... it is just the getting started and organizing part that is painful to me. Once you get in the groove, it is usually not that bad! Guys.. I have procrastinated so much this semester. Maybe it is my senior-itis that has kicked in, or even more honestly it may just be laziness. Either way, I am going to need to start steppin it up in the next couple of weeks and finish out strong.
Enough of Serious talk.. I was going to try to post some pictures on here, but the DBU internet, once again, is not exactly cooperating with me :) So, this WILL be a frivolous post... but, I am okay with that.. hope you are too!!
I am excited for the Holiday Season to be here. I have been a little afraid with everything that has happened, or was supposed to be happening over the Christmas Holidays that I might be a little sad, but surprisingly it seems like I am going to be okay!! :) (That is Jesus folks!) Anyways, today I went to Starbucks, and can I just say it is WONDERFUL!! Starbucks is all Christmased out!! It was sooo fun... I love all the cute little mugs, and the little Christmas Trees made of gift certificate cards... so creative! Way to go friends at Starbucks!! I have actually been listening to Christmas music while I have been writing my paper tonight. Christmas music just makes me so happyyyyy!! :) Especially the old stuff, and the corny stuff!! (ie.. the songs like All I want for Christmas are my two front teeth, or stuff by Billie Holiday and Ole Bing) It makes me excited to go home and put up all the Christmas Decorations and make Merry Maker Cookies!! (ONLY THE MOST SCRUMPTIOUS COOKIES EVER MADE!)

I have been on a John Legend listening spree as well... I LOVE his voice!! He is ohh so talented, and I just found out he has a Christmas Album, and I will need to purchase this very soon! I just love Christmas guys! I even went out and purchased some Christmas smelling air fresheners for Skittle! (Skittle is my lime-green bug if you do not know!) I know... I am a little overboard, but if you don't get excited about the season I just don't think its right!! The real reason for the season is Jesus, and I know this don't worry, I just really like the comerical part of it as well!! I can't wait till they light up the tree in New York, I won't be there, but I will have a front row seat (on my couch) and watch the big lighting!! Yeah!

I have missed my Grey's anatomy for the past 5 weeks, and since I do not have TIVO I believe that I am going to have to set aside some time and watch it on the ole Internet!! I do not know if you watch that show, it is a bit inappropriate if we are being honest, but I am a bit obsessed with it. Almost as obsessed with it as I used to be with Friends. Anyways, one of my best friends, Courtney caught me up and it seems pretty steamy and dramatic this season!! Goodness Gracious, can't wait to get caught up!

The other day at my bagel shop I ran into one of the boys that I interned for at the Church on Rush Creek!! It was so fun to see him! He is a senior this year and he was telling me all about his college friends, and how he doesn't have a girlfriend because its senior year, and he just couldn't imagine doing that his senior year! ha! It was just so fun to see him, and see how he has matured, and just matured in the Lord!! It was true blessing. I love running into the kids that I interned for and just seeing how much they have matured, ect. The Lord has really been showing me how much my heart really loves ministry and just being involved like that. I think one of the things that I am most excited about with graduation is that maybe I can become even more involved with the church! I know just because I am graduating does not mean I am going to have tons of extra time on my hands... but I really do think I will have more of a regular schedule which will be nice! I just am excited to see what the Lord is going to have me do in the future!

Okay, well this has been quite a frivolous post, but thanks for reading to the end if you did!! ha ha!! Back to writing my paper!! UGGGHHH!! Love you guys oh sooooooooo much!! :)

One last thought... this was in my QT today and I just thought it was amazing!
Remember the very time for faith to work is when our sight begins to fail. And the greater our difficulties, the easier it is for our faith to work, for as long as we can see certain natural solutions to our problems, we will not have. Faith never works as easily as when our natural prospect fail.
George Mueller

I have also been wanting to post this amazing poem by Harriet Beecher Stowe:
Still, still with you, when purple morning breaks
When the birds awake, and the shadows flee;
Fairer than morning, lovlier than daylight,
Dawns the sweet consciousness, I am with Thee.

Alone with You, amid the misty shadows,
The solemn hush of nature newly born;
Alone with you in breathless adoration,
In the calm dew and freshness of the morn.

In a sunrise o'er a wavless ocean,
The image of the star does rest,
So, in this stillness, You discerning only
Your image in the waters of my breast.

When sinks the soul, subdued by toil, to slumber,
Its closing eyes look up to You in prayer;
Sweet the repose, beneath your wings o'ershadowing,
But sweeter still to wake and find You there.
Harriet Beecher Stowe

Look No Further Ladies...

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ, that a man should have to seek Him first to find her."

Before I write this, I would like to preface this post with the fact that this is not a post about how I hate men- or how men need to step up their game. I think many times as single Christian women, we get caught up in the opinion that "Christian men need to stop acting like boys, and start acting like men." We get caught up in the fact that it would be nice to actually see someone our age fall, but instead of sitting in the hole for awhile and mulling over the sin that got them in the hole, perhaps, actually get up and keep running. While this is a thought that I know many of my friends and I tend to think a lot, and perhaps talk about, this post is more directed at women. I think we are almost just as much at fault as the men that we call boys. So... please do not look at this post as saying that men are inherintly evil, and that ALL men are the same, and they will never change. This post is about how women need to check their hearts before we go start downing every Christian male we come across. (And trust me, I am preaching to the choir on this one.)
As single Christian women, I belive that we have become complacent with what we THINK we deserve... which is often times way below what we actually do deserve. (I would also like to state, technically we do not deserve anything, but through Christ's sacrifice, he has made it where can be seen as worthy of love) We see POTENTIAL, and we SETTLE. We tell ourselves, "Oh, he is amazing, and it will only get better when we go deeper into our relationship." Then, when the male ends up not meeting our endless list of expectations, we blame him for not being a "man", when in all actuality, we were the ones that put the unreal expectations on someone we knew might not meet the standards that we had in the first place. We don't examine our hearts and minds, nope, it is automatically the males fault. This is where I believe we are greatly at fault, and also where the quote comes into play that I have at the beginning of the post. If our our hearts are so hidden in Christ that that is where the male has to go to find it: I really, honestly, believe that we will check ourselves before we start to go after, and settle for potential. Now, please, do not get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with potential. Really, we are all at a stage of potential, because we are all running to race (Christians) towards Christ. We all have to start somewhere, but I believe when you are hidden in Christ, you will not settle for anything less than the Lord's best for you.
Ladies, do you realize that the Lord goes over and beyond any kind of expectation of love that we could possibly have? We all listen to these beautiful love songs, and most of us long for someone that could love and romance us in that way. The fact of the matter is that we HAVE someone to love and romance us. We have Him, our amazing Prince, standing in front of us: begging us to allow him to show us our beauty through his sacrifice and love. He loves us in more REAL ways, and for more reasons than we can fathom or imagine. He even loves our ugliest parts. (When I say our ugly parts, I am referring to our deepest disappointments that we have in ourselves, the parts of us that we are afraid if anyone were to find out, they would surely never speak to us again, let alone love us through.) SO, why do we go about searching for it in the males that are present around us, before we are founded in HIM? Why do we do the whole "male search" escapade, before checking our hearts, and making sure that they are secure in Him, and Him alone? We will never find what we are looking for until we know that we are secure in Him. Until we see our beauty from the vantage point of His sweet Grace, we are probably going to fail in our search for our boyfriends, or even more honestly, our search for our future husbands.
This really dawned on me this morning when I was driving to go get my coffee and a bagel. I was listening to some music, and I just realized that everything we long for romantically can be found through HIM. Although this is, in essence, a simple concept, I believe it is sometimes hard to grasp. We get so caught up in what we have done, how we have messed up, and any other reason that we can think of that no one would love us, that we run and try to find fulfillment in everything else other than the Lord. When our Sweet, Wonderful, Merciful, Wonderful Savior is waiting for us to run to Him.

Here are some verses that were encouraging to me this morning:
No, in all these things we are more than conquerers, through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither, death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord!
Romans 8:37-39
For the sake of Christ, then I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong!!! (I added the exclamation marks :))
2 Corinthians 12:10
In Him, we have redemption through blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace. Which He lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ, as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in Him, things in heaven and things on Earth.
Ephesians 1:7-10
Ladies, His love really does swim in the deepest oceans of fear; He IS HERE, and it is not another empty promise, but a real, true statement! Within love, we must know that there is grace, and in Christ, there is an unending amount of grace.
Some of the lyrics from Overwhelm me:
Take not that presence from me, for I desire to know you more, more.
For you are worthy of all, you are worthy of all I am and more, more.
I need to set my mind on things above, on the holiness and glory of my God.
In the heavens and in my heart, you created a mountain, and you set a spark that grew into a flame... That burns deeply for you.
Overwhelm me, take from this place, and put in the place where you are.
Overwhelm me, shake the ground I stand on, I want to be dependent on You, and only You!

Love you guys, hope this wasn't too heavy. This has just been on my mind, and I promise this is not directed towards anyone particular, but just something that just really was on my heart this morning. LOVE YOU ALL!! :)

Things have changed...

I was going through some old stuff, and this is something that I wrote around last February and I just thought it was interesting. I agree with a lot of things that I wrote, but I can also see many different areas that I see a little differently now.
This was something I wrote awhile ago:
We all want love. We want to know that there is a person out there with whom they WILL never leave us, forsake us, or stop caring for us. Some people find this in form of friends, other in the form of boyfriends, others even in being physical with a person. Anything so that we can feel loved. The question that comes up though is, do we expect too much? Do we jump in too fast, do we become not ourselves because we believe in what that relationship could be. I've loved a lot of people in my life. I can genuinely say that I have loved. I have expected things from them that aren't realistic, and also things that are realistic. But people let you down. Things aren't what they seem. No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you want it, things aren't perfect. But it is about finding that person that will take you for what you are. Not for what they want you to be. Not what they think you are, but for them to take you FULLY for who you are, the good and the bad. The annoying and the funny; and the amazing. That is what love is. Love is when you are soo annoyed and mad at that person, you just want to be with them.. you want to be mad together. When they make you soo mad it is almost funny because of how dumb it is. Love will let you down. Love is not everything it seems, but its vital to life. Love is important. You may love, genuinely, wholly love somebody and they may never know it, but you have and will continue to love that person. What matters is that you know who you are, what you are about, and understand that its important to be true to yourself. Expect nothing, give everything. Don't hide who you are, embrace yourself. Everyone says guard your heart, I have learned either way, go in it whole heartedly, love. It will end up right, pray about it, follow what you feel the Lord is telling you. It will be hard, it will be tough, and there will be tears along the road. But in the end, True Love will be found- if its through a friend, a boyfriend (finance, husband, ect), or family. God is the only one that can love us perfectly and know what we need. Know that fact, embrace it, know people will mess up, and live.

Thoughts about this entry now:
Even though it has not be a full year since this entry, I do not know if I agree with everything in it. I think that I had the right mindset when writing it, but I think I have become a little bit more careful with my heart than I used to be. I have always been that person that puts their whole heart into everything. (well that is a pretty bold statement, so let's just say most things) This year has been crazy, but the Lord has taught me so much. He has taught me that only Perfect love can come from Him. Not from anyone else. We will be let down. In fact, we will be let down continuously, BUT the Lord will never let us down. NEVER: now, I have also learned that that does not mean we will not encounter sadness along the road!! :) Oh no my friend, we are bound to have tears along the road, because we are human, and there are many lessons along the way. There is encouragement in the journey though, we know we have Hope! We know for a fact there is Hope in the end of the journey because we will be with our Perfect, Sweet Jesus! And I really do believe the Lord longs to give us joy, but sometimes things will be hard, and may be hard for awhile. I do think it is a lot of how you handle it. This week has been a hard "handling it well" week for me, but I also think that we will have those weeks. We will have those weeks when it is extremely hard, and we don't know if we can go another step! But, the encouraging thing about that is, Joy does come in the morning!! For some reason, I have had some hard nights this week, but when the morning comes I am joyful. Where I would like to say that that has lasted the entire day this week, I can't, but I just have really been thinking about how true it is that JOY DOES COME IN THE MORNING!! Thank you Jesus!! :)
There have been a lot of things that are heavy on my heart this week, and just things that I have constantly been praying about, and this morning I looked at my devotional, and low and behold, something amazing was there! (The Lord knows when I need to hear something)
When the cloud remained... The Israelites... did not set out. Numbers 9:19
The psalmist said, "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry" (Ps 40:1) And what God did for the Old Testament Saints, He will do for believers down through the ages, yet He will often keep us waiting. Must we wait when we are face to face with a threatening enemy, surrounded by danger or fear, or belown an unstable rock? Would this not be the time to fold our tents and leave? Have we not already suffered to the point of total collapse? Can we not exchange the sweltering heat for "green patures... (and) quiet waters" (Ps 23:2)? When God sends no answer and "the cloud remains", we must wait. Yet we can do so with full assurance of God's provision of manna, water from the rock, shelter, and protection from our enemies.
Young person, wait! Do not be in such a hurry to make a change! Minister, Stay at your post! You must wait where you are until the cloud clearly begins to move. Wait for the Lord to give good pleasure to you! He will not be late!
Streams in the Desert

Just wanted to share all this with ya'll!! It was encouraging to me... Love you guys, thanks for listening!! :)

His Will above all Else...

You ever just feel like getting up and screaming. Maybe just busting out in song? Perhaps just doing a little dance in the middle of a huge crowd? Not necessarily to get any attention, but just because that is the only thing that you can think to do. The only way you can feel that you can possibly express yourself at that point or time. I do. Lately, I have wanted to do a combination of all those things. Words have become few, and my feeling have been in overflow. I think that is something that is so frustrating, but in these times, I have to trust that the Lord knows my heart, and knows what I am thinking and feeling. He is the ultimate healer, and also knows what is best for my soul, mind and heart.

A thousand times I've failed, still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again, I am caught in your Grace
Everlasting your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending your glory goes beyond all fame
My heat and my soul, I give you control
Consume me from the Inside out God
Let Justice and Praise become my embrace
To love you from the Inside Out

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself in brining you praise
Everlasting your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending your glory goes beyond all fame
My heart and my soul I give you control
Consume me from the Inside out Lord
Let Justice and Praise become my embrace
To love you from the Inside out
EVERLASTING YOUR LIGHT WILL SHINE WILL ALL ELSE FADES
NEVER ENDING YOUR GLORY GOES BEYOND ALL FAME
AND THE CRY OF MY HEART IS TO BRING YOU PRAISE
FROM THE INSIDE OUT MY SOUL CRIES OUT

my heart and my soul, I give you control
consume from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
to love you from the inside out!!!
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades!!
never ending your glory goes beyond all fame
and the cry of my heart is to bring you praise
from the inside out my soul cries out!!

Soooo... here i am.. busting out in song. I don't have much else to say, other than God is good and he knows what He is doing. I don't. ha ha... With graduation coming up, and just everything else going on in my life, the only thing to do is to Trust him, and not depend on my feelings, but trust that the Lord will direct my steps.

A CrAzY PEACE

You know, Ideally it would be wonderful to have a witty blog. Perhaps a funny antidote that would just make your day. As much as I would like to have a post that is witty, and quite funny, I think this particular post might be a little more on the serious side. As you can see, it has been awhile since I have posted. The Lord has put a lot on my mind, and there are lots of things that I am seeing that need to be sorted through and dealt with. While I will not divulge what all I am dealing/struggling with, I do want to share with ya'll how amazing our sweet Jesus is, and just the wonderful revelations that he has shown me in the past couple of weeks.
There are so many things that he has showed me recently, so you will have to forgive me if this post is a little out of sorts. I really just want to share how GREAT our God is and just how he has an amazing sense of humor, while at the same time has this amazing love that is way past comprehension. This year has been a year in which there have been a lot of disappointments. Now that I have pretty much gotten through all of these situations that were disappointments, I have noticed how they were all based around what I wanted, and not what the Lord has for my life. I can be a control-freak. I like to control, I want to have my life planned out, shoot, 4 months ago I had a ten-year plan. Now, I am barely having day-to-day plans. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy planning, and I still try to plan, but the Lord has showed me that I am not promised tomorrow. And within that, since I am only promised today, It is important that I focus on the moment at hand. I think many times we get caught up in the future, and when we get so caught up in what plans we are making, we are missing the moments at hand. We are missing what the Lord is trying to show us in the here and now. So... if you think about it, we sure can miss a lot when we start to plan our lives out without consulting the Lord.
What is funny to me is this past year, I really thought that I was INCLUDING the Lord in my plans. I capitalize and bold the word including, because I was not basing it around my KING, nope instead, I was INCLUDING Him. In case you don't know this... those plans don't usually turn out well. The Lord knows what He is doing a lot better than we do. This is just something that I have been thinking about a lot lately. The Lord has also been showing me my Pride. I don't know if you have ever noticed this, but much of what we do as humans is based around our selfishness, pride and idolatry. I mean, it is sickening when you look at it. Last weekend, I literally was sick to my stomach at looking at myself. My Pride disgusts me, yet at times I thrive on it. I will be very honest with ya'll, I like to make good grades. I like to sound smart, and I REALLY like to be in the upper terr of things. When I am not, my pride is out of control. The Lord has also showed me this in the last year, as well as, just in the last week. I don't really know how to explain this.. but lately I have felt soo dumb. It is as if my mind and my mouth will not work together simultaneously. Instead, what I am thinking comes out as nonsense. It is really quite embarrassing. But what is that... ummm, that would be Pride. Maybe the Lord is telling me something with this, maybe I am exhausted and just need to go to him, instead of trying to talk myself to death. I know this is random, but this is just something that I have really been dealing with lately. It is so frustrating to me.
Since I know this blog is becoming quite long, I will only write about one more thing that has really been on my mind. The question of... Is beauty really in the eye of the beholder? Girls struggle with so many different issues. We are worried about how fat we are, or how skinny we are. We get caught up in the way we dress, the way our makeup should look, whether we are attractive to other men and of course women. I don't know if you have ever noticed this, but many times women try to dress for other women, as if they want to outdo one another. I have just noticed how much our culture is based around the way we look. It is as if the way we look determines how much success or happiness we will have in life. How sad is that. I mean really... I am pretty sure that beauty fades. But what does not fade is the beauty we find in HIM ladies! I hope ya'll know that I am saying this to myself as well. I have many issues when it comes to vanity... but why do we as women choose to seek out the beauty that culture so readily forces upon us, instead of looking to our King? Yesterday morning I went to a women's prayer breakfast. When these particular girls got up there to speak, they radiated. They were beautiful. They were not beautiful because they had the latest Coach purse, or the most beautiful hair, no, these ladies were beautiful because they radiated with Joy of the Lord. It was eye-opening to me. Our beauty is going to fade, and you know what ladies, even the handsome guy that you are really liking right now, will probably someday not be as handsome. But what if we started looking at others hearts, instead of looking at their outward appearance? What if we started REALLY looking at others character and heart before we judged them. Maybe you already do this, and maybe you may be thinking I am little shallow right now, but I am willing to let you think that. The Lord is showing me a lot right now. He is showing me what I need, and changing what I want, to what HE wants. He is showing me that focussing on outward beauty is not something that necessarily needs to be focused on. Don't get me wrong ladies, it is completely okay to want to feel and look beautiful. The Lord has made us this way.. its is just when we start to clasp our hand over it and want to control our beauty, that it starts to get a little out of hand.
What I am trying to say is I have crazy peace right now. I know I am where I am supposed to be where I am right now. I know that although everything I have gone through this past year has been crazy and hard, HE has a plan. He has not forgotten me. He knows the desires of my heart, and He knows where he wants to take me. I'm finally becoming okay with being in the passenger seat.
I love you guys, thanks for listening.
Ashie

About the Blog posted right before this one...

If you do happen to read the blog entry below this one.. know that I did not look over it before posting it, and don't know how to edit it now that I have posted it, so some words do not make sense where I have them, so while reading it just try to put the word that best fits there! ha ha, sorry guys, its late!

Oh Pride... How it does get the best of me sometimes!

So this week has been mind-numbing, for lack of a better word. I have never felt as if my brain could hold no more information. Now, you may think this is because I have just worked myself to the bone this week because I had so many tests, but sad to say, that is not why. This is has been one of those weeks in which the Lord has showed me what I need to work on. And, as you can probably guess from the Title of my blog tonight... it would be pride.
Pride is funny little thing. It creeps in when you least think it is, and also it is usually the root of most sin. As I am saying this I would like to write the verses to back this statement up... but being as I am looking through my Bible right now, and don't have my journal right here, I might have to put the verses on here later! I have this insane want to please everyone around them. The word for this is people-pleaser. Yes, unfortunatly, this is me. I want to make everyone happy, and if someone is unhappy, well... I want to cheer them up! (And for most of you that know me well... you know I tend to do this by breaking into song, making you a card, or making up a somewhat annoying cheer!) But, what I have really noticed is that I for one, have unreal expectations of others, and two am very prideful in the fact that I think that I am automatically make everyone happy. I take too much of a joy in it, so when I can't cheer someone up, or help solve someone's problem... I get down. Now, ladies and gents, this is my ugly friend Pride. I for some reason, not realy conciously, tend to think that I need to save the world. Which, as we already known, has been done by someone who is FAR greater than I. When I think about it, it is so ridiculous that I even try to do this... but, alas, I do.
Through a situation that I have been through recently, my pride has very much gotten in the way of my healing. I start to worry about what others are thinking of me, and worry that they may be judging my character, and thinking less of me. Honestly, my Mimi helped point this out to me at lunch today. I have this retarded issue of worrying about what others think of me, and it tends to affect me quite a bit. I would like to say I have gotten better at it... which I do believe I have, but in the past two weeks, I have failed miserably at being okay if I think someone is talking about me, or just thinking less of me without all the information. (Or just thinking bad of me in general) This has been my weak area.
Thursday was a day in which I really, REALLY got kicked in rear a couple of times! I had my pride pointed out to me by the Lord about 4 times that night. ha ha... and then of course, again Today. On the way home from church tonight, my friend Elise noticed how flustered that I am. And seriously guys, I just have never felt the way that I am feeling right now. I don't even know how to explain it..... but all I know, is that the Lord is good, faithful, and so so much more than I deserve. I am in awe of how he loves me, and loves me for the person I am right now, not for the person I am to become. My sweet Jesus loves me when my mind is on overload and I feel like I can't handle one more thing... He is there, constantly at my side. He is faithful, and I am not.

So... I know that I write a lot of lyrics on here, and maybe I should get a little more creative and come up with words of my own, but music is theraputic to my soul, so I am going to share some more lyrics that have really just been a good outlet for me this week.
This is just the chorus to In You by Shane and Shane:
In you I find my rest
In you I find my death
In you I find my all
My emptiness, somehow it all makes sense, In you
This is just how I have felt since Thursday. Shane and Shane always seem to know how I am feeling.. ha ha :)
And I Boast No More:
The best obedience of my hands
Dares not appear before thy throne
My faith can answer thy demands
By pleading what My Lord has done!!!!
No more my God
No more my God
No more my God
I boast no more

Well.. if you have made it to the end of this post, I thank you for listening. Sometimes writing on here can be theraputic :) I love you guys more than you know!
Ashie

Consider me Encouraged...

Sooooo... God never ceases to amaze me. As soon as I ask for help, HE gives it. Go figure.

Today, I went to my favorite bagel shop and got a bagel and an Irish Creme Latte (I know Mimi...) and went and just did my devotional there! And what do ya know... I feel like everything I have been questioning and such has been answered through verses and just what my devotional "Streams in the Desert" said. So I am pretty much just going to share what it said, and share with you the verses!! GOD IS SOOO GOOOD!

Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run the race marked out for us.
Hebrews 12:1
What Streams in the Desert Said:
"There are certain things that are not sins themselves but that tend to wiegh us down or become distractions and stumbling blocks to our Christian growth. One of the worse of these is the feeling of DESPAIR or HOPELESSNESS. A heavy heart is indeed a weight that will surely drag us down in our holiness and usefulness.
We should never give ourselves the freedom to DOUBT God or His eternal love and faithfullness toward us in everything. We can be determined to set our own will against doubt just as we do against any other sin. THEN AS WE STAND FIRM, REFUSING TO DOUBT, THE HOLY SPIRIT WILL COME TO OUR AID, GIVING US THE FAITH OF GOD AND CROWING US WITH VICTORY.
IT IS VERY EASY TO FALL INTO THE HABIT OF DOUBTING, WORRYING, WONDERING IF GOD HAS FORSAKEN US, AND THIKING THAT AFTER ALL WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH, OUR HOPES ARE GOING TO END IN FAILURE. But let us refuse to be discouraged and unhappy!
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks in wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.
James 1:2-6
The Devil has two very masterful tricks. The first is to tempt us to become discouraged, for them we are defeated and of no service to others, at least for awhile. The other is to tempt us to doubt, therby breaking the bond of faith that unites us with the Faher.

Then it went on to talk about how important it is to cultivate a spirit of happiness! "Sadness discolors everyutyhing around me and produces a mental paraylsis. Nothing has any appeal to me, future prospects seem clouded in darkness, and my soul loses all its aspriations and power!"

Ummm..... this is what I needed to hear. God never ceases to amaze me, and fill me in on what I need to know and believe so that I can have that perfect peace from Him!!
Love you guys.. thanks for prayin!