I am in a time of change. I am about to get married, hoping for some changes at work, we are purchasing our first home, and I am about to move in with a boy. Needless to say that in times of change I have found myself to feel a little out of control. I find myself to be emotionally drained and excited all at the same time. This is a weird mix for me. Everything I have waited for is finally happening and instead of welcoming it with opening arms, I am finding myself to be overwhelmed with all the change. Irony of ironies. I am finding myself having to trust Jesus more and more. It is funny because when you think you are done with a phase of life and feel you have grown so much from that particular phase in life, you find you are actually not that far removed from it. I find that all this "patient" waiting (let's be honest... I am not patient) has only brought me to more waiting. I am in a pattern of waiting on decisions that are outside my control to bring me to my next phase of life. The only constants that I have right now is that I know I have a job next year, I am getting married in June, and I will probably be closing on a house in May. One would look at this and say, well, that is really good, Ash. I look at it and say, oh Man, I really need to trust the Lord right now because there is a lot out of my control.
One thing I am not good at is dealing with things that are out of my control. I am list maker and follower of the list. I like to be planned, and have a plan. The Lord has given me a man that plans, yet also leaves wiggle-room. I am not a wiggle-room kind of gal. I like a set plan, a set routine, and I like to know any possible situations that may happen so that I can be prepared for them when they come. This season of my life has not really warranted that. I have had to wait. The Lord has now brought me my man, but now I am waiting on life decisions to happen. Life decisions that will affect the way we live and do life (such as the Lord providing a job for Josh, things at my work changing, the house working out, etc.). I have been very anxious and stressed out because of these "unknowns" in my life. I have been trying to trust the Lord in everything that is going. It is always a lesson in grace when you realize how much you rely on yourself instead of the Lord. Even the days that I am intently trying to focus on the Lord and the fact that he has my back, I find myself relying on myself instead. I read a devotional called "Jesus Calling". Every morning during this process the Lord has hit me between the eyes with this devotional. I personally love when he calls me out like this. I love being engaged by our sweet Jesus. He gets my attention when He does this. Today it said "do not search for security". Let me share the first part of this with you-
"Do not search for security in the world you inhabit. You tend to make mental checklists of things you need to do in order to gain control in your life. (ahem, Ashley). If only you could check everything off your list, you could relax and be at peace. But the more you work to accomplish that goal, the more things crop up on your list. The harder you try, the more frustrated you become."
Can I hear and Amen and Selah. Between work, planning a wedding, buying a house, and worrying about future things I have made a lot of lists. I have chosen to worry, make lists, and most of all, take control of all situations going on.
It goes on to say, "There is a better way to find security in this life. Instead of scrutinizing your checklist, focus your attention on My presence with you. This continual contact with Me will keep you in My peace. Fix your eyes not on what is seen (your circumstances), but on what is unseen (My presence)."
This last sentence has been brought to my attention NUMEROUS times in the past few weeks. I believe the Lord is trying to lead me to just trust him. Trust him even though Josh does not have a job yet, trust him even though things at work might be in flux, trust him when wedding planning is overwhelming, trust him in buying a house, trust him in switching churches, just trust him.
"You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." Isaiah 26:3
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18
I know the things I am stressing out about may not seem to be something that is big, and maybe in the grand scheme of things they are not. But what I am realizing is if they do take the focus off the Lord, then they are big things.
So, right now, I am in a time of flux. A time that could easily throw one into a tizzy over things that are out of one's control. In this time, I must trust Jesus. My dad said something to me this weekend that has made me think. He said, "Ashley, you have to trust that good things come to people who work hard and do the right thing". I don't know if I completely agree with that statement, however I do think there is some validity to it. I think that if those who trust in the Lord and go on and do what the Lord has called them to do, the Lord will take care of them. The Lord promises to take care of his children. If I would recognize the power of that promise, I think I would really realize worrying and stressing about all of these unknowns is doing nothing but taking away from the power of what today may hold, of what the Lord may want me to do today. So, here is to hoping that in the next month and half before our wedding and when there are many unknowns, that although I must have some plans in the works, that I trust Jesus in every move I make and every thing that happens "I fix my eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen."
