I am going to be real honest and let my soul bear a bit more than I usually do tonight. I feel like I need to get this out.. thus, I guess I am going to blog it out.
I so easily get frustrated with where my life is at. Why do I do this? It is really interesting to me when one moment I can be completely content and grateful, for instance YESTERDAY, and be really happy with where the Lord has put me and really start to see it through the Lord's vantage point, rather than mine, and then go to the way I am feeling right now. I long for companionship.. and where that isn't all bad, why isn't the Lord's companionship enough? Why can that not be my fill... because lets just be honest here, until the Lord is the only companionship that I need, there is no room for me to be in any kind of relationship with someone. When I start to miss this companionship, get down and think that it is never going to happen, or just let my mind run wild with so many different ideas that are absurd, this is when I know I have my blinders on. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes me awhile to catch myself, but eventually, the Lord shows me where I am wrong, and I run to him once again with my wounded heart, and He once again takes care of me and comforts me, thus showing me He is my fill. He is my portion.
I do not think it is wrong to desire companionship... but guys, for me to be longing for it is really kind of ridiculous. I mean, I have been out of relationship for something like 6 months, and to be honest, this is the longest amount of time I have been single since the beginning of my junior year of highschool. I mean, Ash could probably stand some single time. But these preconceived notions of where I thought and felt I should be right now keep coming up. I KNOW that I am where I am supposed to be, for a fact, and I know that the Lord has me single right now for a reason. I know he is using this time to develop the me that I so desperately long to be IN HIM. But, that does not always mean that I am excstatic all of the time about this. Which, really, I feel like that is ungrateful and selfish, and so many other things.
Some of you may be reading this thinking this girl is so dramatic, 6 months of being single, that is dumb for her to be sad about not having anyone, and if you think that, so be it. But, I know it is ridiculous. I don't like when I feel this way. The weird thing is somehow, through this string of events, I have become okay with being single.. but I still miss that companionship and long for it someday, but I really do not think the Lord is done working with me and molding me. I think the Lord is showing me so many areas of control, pride and selfishness that have to be worked out before that "special one" comes along for me. So... maybe longing for that special one is not the right wording for the way I am feeling.. but at times I do miss companionship like I used to have. The thing is though, I wouldn't want to go back... well, obviously because of all the things that have happened since then, but even to the good times. I have had to stop listening to so many love songs because they stir my heart in ways that I do not need it be stirred right now.
The funny thing that I have really noticed in a lot of the love songs, is how a lot of lyrics say I want to just go back to that time, be back in that moment for awhile. To me that is so dumb. I think so often we live in the past, instead of embracing the present and looking to the future. Sometimes, we even get to caught up in the future, instead of living in the present. When we do this, we again put blinders on and I think, in some ways, confuse ourselves and make ourselves believe things are better than what they truly are. We start to live in fairy tale land, instead of examining the truth.
In the midst of spending time with the Lord tonight I came across this verse:
"For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:11
As the Lord is in the process of breaking me, and I am in the process of being disciplined through Him, I think that this verse is extremely encouraging. With everything going on in my heart, from fears of where my life is going, and what I am going to do in the future, to trying to be patient and find contentment where I am at, this is one of the truths that I going to cling to. I have to know that it later yields fruits of righteousness. I have to know that the Lord is going to take care of me and show me things that He wants me to see and know, but it will be in HIS time, not mine. Hard lesson, but I am learning it.
Love you guys, thanks for listening.
Ashie
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