fear is such a crutch. it is something that either can sneak up on you, or seems to loom over you seemingly debilatating you for a time. when you give into fear, it becomes a crutch because instead of powering through the fear, you not only stay fearful, but doubt and disbelief begin to sneak in.
i hate change. really, i do. or at least i hate the beginning stages of change. it takes me quite a while to settle into change sometimes... sometimes even a year. it scares me because it is different. there is no past to rely on, but instead it is all future and present. that scares me. i like to succeed and it scares me that i may fail. i get scared that this new phase may be something that i will be awful at, and i will fail miserably. the one key factor in this whole paragraph would be the constant usage of "me" and "i". could i be anymore self-centered? oh, i would not put it past me... but i am definitly self-focused lately. i fear failure. i fear change. i fear this new stage in life. i mean going to school... that was easy. make your schedule, buy your books and supplies, attend class, study and you are golden. there doesn't really seem to be a sure-fire formula for my new phase of life though.... other than this- have faith. believe that the lord is faithful, and that the lord knows better than i do. that he is soveriegn in his plans, and his love is everlasting. that i am there to love on those kids and show them jesus. that although this time in my life is very scary for me, it can be exciting if i choose to see it that way. i can reep joy out of the situation if i see the lord in it, and love people the way the lord would. my job is to show christ in my actions, teaching, reactions and service to these kids, as well as teachers.
i have such a fear of letting people down. of showing the "real" messed up me... not that people don't already see it. i want people to see this perfect package. but keeping up the facade can be exhausting and trying. i have been shown so many things this week. it has been a breakthough kind of time in the past 2 weeks. i had a major cry out to the lord session not too long ago, and since then the lord has been showing himself in ways and times that i have been least expecting. sometimes i do not know why it surprises me... he is the Lord. he can do anything he wants. he has really spoken truth into my life this past week though scripture, music, matt's sermon this past week, and some of my sweet friends. i am thankful for this time. for this time of reflection and study. i feel like i am starting to come back to life, if that makes sense. i was starting to feel a bit stagnate; the way i have been living has been completely me-centered. i have chosen to wallow or live in a fear that has begun to cripple me. this is not what the lord wants for my life. very clearly the lord has really shown me that he cares about the heart, and how i live out the word for HIS GLORY. Not Ashley's glory.
i have asked for wisdom, and he has given it to me in many different forms, and yet i have been double-minded in whether i have wanted to follow what he has willed. i have been doubtful and have gone from belief and finding and seeing that the Lord is gracious and good, to becoming angry and bitter and what stage of life i find myself in right now. how ungrateful and idolatrous. how extremely self-centered for me to be thinking about how I am... when there is a world who does not know him.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."
James 1:5-8
i am home right now, houston, and i am sitting outside in the backyard. there is a gentle breeze blowing; a reassuring comfort of the lord goodness and steadfastness. it is neither too hot, nor too humid.. which in houston seems to be a bit of a miracle, and the sky is a pretty shade of blue-purple. the lord shows himself to me constantly through nature. i am thankful for this time in my life, even though at times i do not always see it as a time to be thankful for. i would like to apologize to the few that read my blog for how unfaithful i have been in the past month or so. there have been true, honest posts about how i long to be faithful, but not real change. i long to change that, and i believe with all my heart that the lord is starting to move me in that direction. how thankful to him i am for that. how thankful i am to him for bringing me back to him and comforting me and showing me the very broken, prideful, idolatrous parts of my heart, and allowing the process to begin to start healing. oh, how i love christ and his ways. his mercy is sweet and although pain is in the process, how sweet it is when we come out on the other side. i am thankful for him, for his renewing of my desire for him and for his renown. i pray he will remain close, and that i will believe that is his plan is truely better instead of fighting and complaining like those in the desert because of the unknown and the uncomfortable.
i was made to live for you christ, continue to grow and shape me into your image. i love you and want to know you more. may this be my plea for progress.
