The GIFT of Singleness?

I am going to be real honest and let my soul bear a bit more than I usually do tonight. I feel like I need to get this out.. thus, I guess I am going to blog it out.

I so easily get frustrated with where my life is at. Why do I do this? It is really interesting to me when one moment I can be completely content and grateful, for instance YESTERDAY, and be really happy with where the Lord has put me and really start to see it through the Lord's vantage point, rather than mine, and then go to the way I am feeling right now. I long for companionship.. and where that isn't all bad, why isn't the Lord's companionship enough? Why can that not be my fill... because lets just be honest here, until the Lord is the only companionship that I need, there is no room for me to be in any kind of relationship with someone. When I start to miss this companionship, get down and think that it is never going to happen, or just let my mind run wild with so many different ideas that are absurd, this is when I know I have my blinders on. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes me awhile to catch myself, but eventually, the Lord shows me where I am wrong, and I run to him once again with my wounded heart, and He once again takes care of me and comforts me, thus showing me He is my fill. He is my portion.

I do not think it is wrong to desire companionship... but guys, for me to be longing for it is really kind of ridiculous. I mean, I have been out of relationship for something like 6 months, and to be honest, this is the longest amount of time I have been single since the beginning of my junior year of highschool. I mean, Ash could probably stand some single time. But these preconceived notions of where I thought and felt I should be right now keep coming up. I KNOW that I am where I am supposed to be, for a fact, and I know that the Lord has me single right now for a reason. I know he is using this time to develop the me that I so desperately long to be IN HIM. But, that does not always mean that I am excstatic all of the time about this. Which, really, I feel like that is ungrateful and selfish, and so many other things.

Some of you may be reading this thinking this girl is so dramatic, 6 months of being single, that is dumb for her to be sad about not having anyone, and if you think that, so be it. But, I know it is ridiculous. I don't like when I feel this way. The weird thing is somehow, through this string of events, I have become okay with being single.. but I still miss that companionship and long for it someday, but I really do not think the Lord is done working with me and molding me. I think the Lord is showing me so many areas of control, pride and selfishness that have to be worked out before that "special one" comes along for me. So... maybe longing for that special one is not the right wording for the way I am feeling.. but at times I do miss companionship like I used to have. The thing is though, I wouldn't want to go back... well, obviously because of all the things that have happened since then, but even to the good times. I have had to stop listening to so many love songs because they stir my heart in ways that I do not need it be stirred right now.

The funny thing that I have really noticed in a lot of the love songs, is how a lot of lyrics say I want to just go back to that time, be back in that moment for awhile. To me that is so dumb. I think so often we live in the past, instead of embracing the present and looking to the future. Sometimes, we even get to caught up in the future, instead of living in the present. When we do this, we again put blinders on and I think, in some ways, confuse ourselves and make ourselves believe things are better than what they truly are. We start to live in fairy tale land, instead of examining the truth.

In the midst of spending time with the Lord tonight I came across this verse:
"For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:11

As the Lord is in the process of breaking me, and I am in the process of being disciplined through Him, I think that this verse is extremely encouraging. With everything going on in my heart, from fears of where my life is going, and what I am going to do in the future, to trying to be patient and find contentment where I am at, this is one of the truths that I going to cling to. I have to know that it later yields fruits of righteousness. I have to know that the Lord is going to take care of me and show me things that He wants me to see and know, but it will be in HIS time, not mine. Hard lesson, but I am learning it.

Love you guys, thanks for listening.
Ashie

Feeling Bloggy...

:) I am feeling like writing right now, so even though I promised that this next post would contain pictures, I guess I am afraid that I lied. I have yet to find my computer cord to my camera, but, nevertheless, I promise to get pictures up eventually for all 3 of you that read this!! :)
I am in one of those moods where my heart is heavy, but it is the good kind of heavy. I don't ever remember being at a point where I really, really yearn to get into the Lords word, and when I don't I literally do not feel full, or whole. I have gotten to this point. It is such a sweet, sweet time. I have about a week left, Lord-willing, and I will be done with College. This is such a sweet time, and a scary time at the same time. But I have such an overwhelming peace. I have just started to see the Lord working in so many different areas of my life that that in itself is just overwhelming when I think about it. Again, not overwhelming in a bad sense of the word. (I think many times we use words to indicate something is negative, but I think overwhelming doesn't necessarily have to be bad.) I am overwhelmed by his goodness and grace, and how He ALWAYS comes through. I worry about so many things. It is just what I do, but I am learning that I use this as an excuse way too much. There are ways to fix this, and the main way to fix this is to rely fully on the Lord, and Trust Him. This has been hard for me, but I am learning that this is the only way. I am at a point in which I am really coming to grips with where my life is, and I am thankful for it. I think I have gotten so caught up in what has happened in the past few months, and the circumstances that have surrounded it, that I have not been truly thankful for what the Lord is doing, has done, and has yet to do. I haven't been thankful. I haven't been truly grateful. Instead, I have griped, and asked for more, when I have exactly what I need in front of me! Him! I have my Sweet Jesus!! I will never need more than this. Yes, the Lord may choose to bless me in many different ways, and he has chosen to do this, but bottom-line, no matter what happens, I need to find my contentment in Him, and only Him. :)
I just feel Happy today. Happy and grateful, and so undeserving, but so thankful that he has chosen me to be one of his daughters. I think that there are many things that we get hung up on way too easily, and these things they tend to consume our thoughts. I think this can be dangerous. At least, it can be very dangerous for me. I am such an emotional person, so when I over-analyze people's actions towards me, or other things, I get so side tracked. I become fixated on things that I cannot change, and I allow them to affect me in ways that I shouldn't. I am just learning so much about myself and who I am in the Lord, and it is just freeing. I don't know another word to describe it. I really don't have much else to say other than I am so in love with the Lord, and so thankful for what He is doing in my life!!
I will leave you with a list of things that I am excited about doing after I graduate... I'm getting pumped people!!!!!! :) he he
1. Watch more T.v.- yes this may be dumb, but, nevertheless, I am excited about this! The shows I am excited about catching up on and just watching in general are as follows: Pushing Daisies, GREYS, Samantha Who (it has the what about Brian guy on it, which i am still upset that they canceled that show) and OCTOBER ROAD!
2. Read WHAT I WANT, not assignments, nope, what I want to read!! :) I have had a few book suggested to me, and if anybody else has suggestions, I would love to hear them!! yeahhhhh!!
3. Less stress perhaps? At least maybe the dreams about not showing up to classes in time will stop. (Yes, I am the dork that has those dreams!)
4. The feeling one gets when they experience new things! It is that nervy, but excited, butterflies feeling! I am excited about this!!
5. To see where God is going to put me!!

I love you all!
Ashie

TO BE CONTINUED...

There are times when I get in this "lets be oganized mood" and it always comes in the most inoppurtune times. For instance, the next two weeks are going to be MAJORLY busy because I am about to graduate, and I have many, MANY papers. :) So, when this happens, I like EVERYTHING to be spotlessly clean, and organized. So I get in these moods where I organize everything, and put it in its perfect spot. Now the reason I am telling you all this, is because before I left for Thanksgiving I decided to get into one of these moods. Now... I cannot find my camera hookup for my computer. No fear, I will find it, but all this to say, I will have pictures up soon documenting life and Thanksgiving, I just have to figure where my organized self put the cord!! :) (I always lose things when I am frazzled!! Figures :)) I love you all, my heart has been really heavy lately, and the Lord has shown me sooooooo much in the past few days and I can't wait to share it with ya'll!! So this is TO BE CONTINUED...
I love you all A LOT!
Ashie

WHAT A DAY...

So today, has been a little less that satisfactory. Wait... let me rephrase this... THIS MORNING was HARD, and after that.. things have gotten a lot better. As we speak... or well, as I type, I am listening to the great Jeff Johnson, and just trying to regroup before I have to go to class in like five or ten minutes.
Just to give you a lowdown... my computer decided to stop working last night. Which along with not working, it decided to take my 12-15 pg paper with it. Bit the dust people. Now if you know me, you know I tend to get stressed quite easily, so this through me over the edge. It was partly my fault however, because I choose to procrastinate. Thankfully, my sweet teacher is giving me an extension until FRIDAY... oh how much I love her, ya'll will never know.
Guys, I had a hard morning. I had quite a few panic attacks, but one thing the Lord is TEACHING me, and I mean by teaching me, making me live through it and showing me that HIS will is BEST, and mine IS NOT. Also, that I HAVE to trust Him, and there is not anyone else that I can put that trust in. My heart is still recovering from so many things, but God is good. This is hard to see during a time of panic, but the Lord is good. I am learning to just, not only say but know THE LORD IS ENOUGH.

Today is my birthday. 22. I'm getting older :) I thought I would be in a totally different place than I am right now on this birthday, but again, the Lord is showing me his plans are better. If you are reading this, I need prayer. The Lord is good, and I know he never gives us more than we can handle, but I never want to hesistate in asking for prayer!! I need it.. my heart is mending from many things, and the Lord is breaking me. :) It is good though. I have to go to class now.. I will blog a little bit more later!
I love you all!!
Happy Early Thanksgiving! :)

In His Time

Days like today are what I like to call "thinking days". There are a lot of things that are on my heart and mind today, and sometimes on these days, they are the times when during the day I just want to be left alone awhile so that I can think. These are the days when thinking and analyzing things may be considered a good thing, rather than a bad thing. (At times when I analyze things, I tend to over analyze them, and thus drive myself insane.)
Everything is in His time.... I think we all to a certain degree know this, but understanding this fact is a whole different arena. Many times we know the truth, but we don't choose to believe or trust that it is right and better than what we may have planned. For all of you that know me, you know how much I love my grandparents. I really have been blessed to have such an amazing family, and grandparents who love the Lord and show me daily what it is to walk in his will. I really like to sing. My Mimi really likes to play the piano, so sometimes we talk about music, or show each other different songs, and then Mimi (who is amazing and can play by ear) will play the songs on the piano, and I will sometimes sing along. It is a good time. Today, I came over to their house and we were eating lunch and just chatting about different things. We started to talk about everything that I am worried about... and that is a lot. I really think that if I did not worry, I would have a lot of idle time on my hands. Anyways, she was like, I have a song for you to look at. She brought out the hymnal. (Which I believe was my Nana's... who I will refer to in a second) And she showed me this song called "In His Time".
The words go:
In his time, in his time
he makes all things beautiful in his time
Lord, please show me every day, As you're teaching my Your way
That You do just what You say in Your time
In Your time, In Your time
You make all things beautiful in Your time
Lord, my life to You I bring; May each song I have to sing
Be to you a lovely thing in your time

Then, she went in the other room and played the song for me. Its beautiful. For some reason, anytime anyone plays the piano, I automatically think about my Nana. My Nana was an amazing woman, and I had the opportunity of getting to know while she lived with my Mimi. Although, I did not get to experience her in her prime, I got to see her in her hardest time. She had dementia when she moved down here. I watched her as she lost a lot of her memories, and then different flashes of things would come back to her. She was disoriented a lot of the time, but she still had this sense of peace about her. I watched as the family reacted and saw how they dealt with my Nana loosing a lot of the memories that she once so readily could share. But, what was amazing to me throughout the whole thing is, that Nana never lost her love and want for the Lord. She was constantly talking about His Goodness, or His grace, or carrying the Bible around saying she was going to church. (And if you told her it was not Wednesday or Sunday, she would get a little miffed!) But, I just watched how, even through her memory loss, the love she knew, never left her, and she knew that. She may have forgotten many things, but the one thing she could rely on, the one thing that stood the test of time, was Christ's truth and love.
I guess I start thinking about her, and a lot of times people say we are a lot alike, personality wise that is, and she is just an amazing role model. She is the thing that I think about when people refer to people of faith. This woman was amazing... she loved the lord, trusted the Lord, and knew that He would never leave her and always protect her. She knew his plan was better, even through the worst of times. I think about her, and I think about everything she went through, and stories I was told about her, and I just can't fathom having that faith. But, alas, I pray for that kind of faith. I pray for the faith and courage of when all else fails, that I would rely on the truth of Christ, and know His ways are better than my own, and his timing is better than mine.
I have been praying for many different things lately, and just confessing to the Lord my weaknesses, because lets face it, I can only be strong through Christ. It has been a frustrating time, but there is a sense of peace in it all. The Lord knows what He is doing... and bottom line, that should be enough for me. It should be enough for me that he has given me grace, and love, and has given me another day. I should focus on the here and now, and what He has called me to, today, instead of worrying about what is going to happen to me in the future. Now, if I could really just apply that and believe that, I would be doing good :)
The Lord's love is unfathomable, rich, kind, and full of grace. I am thankful for that.

Just a few thoughts... love you guys, thanks for listening.
Ashie

Random

Since I just really want to blog, and I am wasting time till my class starts (yes people, a class on Friday night, can we say lame) then I thought I would just write some random thoughts!

1. I have eaten at chick-fil-a about 3 times this week, which may seem excessive, but really that is a good amount for me. I usually eat there about 6-8 times in a week. Yes I know, I should be a chicken nugget by now.

2. I have been a little obsessed with rap music lately, because I have a new found love of dancing. I know... this may be ridiculous, and honestly, I just like the beats and find it fun to dance. I want to hold a dance party at my apartment. Any one like to join??? :)

3. I am obsessed with Christmas officially. It took me a little longer to get into the Christmas Spirit, but now I can say that I have officially begun my Christmas Extravaganza... I would like to make Christmas last as long as possible.

4. I took my friend Alyssa to my favorite bagel and coffee shop in Arlington and I think she loves it almost as much as I do, which means I might have a friend to go with me from time to time!! YEah!!

5. I am in love with Alicia Key's new CD as well as the Paramore CD. Quite Frankly, the Paramore Cd is just liberating!!

6. My birthday is a couple of days away and I will be 22... I feel old, even though that is relatively young.

7. I purchased Christmas Air Fresheners for my car recently because Skittle, my lime green bug, has started to smell like crayons. (I don't know why this phenomena happens, but it has) and it masked the smell for a while, but now my car smells like a pine tree forest with lots of crayons in it. SAD DAY.

8. Some of my best friends are going to New York for Thanksgiving, and where I am slightly jelous (this might be an understatement), they are going to take pictures of Christmasy things and then maybe frame them for me!!

9. I downloaded two new Christmas Ring tones on my phone... one sung by Ella, the other by Bing. (Sorry daddy, I couldn't resist)

10. I am obsessed with J-crew, and I think I have found the graduation dress that I want.

Okay, well that is all. I must go to my class right now. BOOOOO!!
Have a good night all!! Love you guys!

Taking a Break...

I am taking a break from the Shakespeare paper that I have procrastinated on, and am now reaping the consequences of this by writing it on a Saturday night! :) ha ha, oh well, I have actually been kind of getting into it. Call me me crazy, but I kind of like to write papers. I think they are fun once you get started and organize everything... it is just the getting started and organizing part that is painful to me. Once you get in the groove, it is usually not that bad! Guys.. I have procrastinated so much this semester. Maybe it is my senior-itis that has kicked in, or even more honestly it may just be laziness. Either way, I am going to need to start steppin it up in the next couple of weeks and finish out strong.
Enough of Serious talk.. I was going to try to post some pictures on here, but the DBU internet, once again, is not exactly cooperating with me :) So, this WILL be a frivolous post... but, I am okay with that.. hope you are too!!
I am excited for the Holiday Season to be here. I have been a little afraid with everything that has happened, or was supposed to be happening over the Christmas Holidays that I might be a little sad, but surprisingly it seems like I am going to be okay!! :) (That is Jesus folks!) Anyways, today I went to Starbucks, and can I just say it is WONDERFUL!! Starbucks is all Christmased out!! It was sooo fun... I love all the cute little mugs, and the little Christmas Trees made of gift certificate cards... so creative! Way to go friends at Starbucks!! I have actually been listening to Christmas music while I have been writing my paper tonight. Christmas music just makes me so happyyyyy!! :) Especially the old stuff, and the corny stuff!! (ie.. the songs like All I want for Christmas are my two front teeth, or stuff by Billie Holiday and Ole Bing) It makes me excited to go home and put up all the Christmas Decorations and make Merry Maker Cookies!! (ONLY THE MOST SCRUMPTIOUS COOKIES EVER MADE!)

I have been on a John Legend listening spree as well... I LOVE his voice!! He is ohh so talented, and I just found out he has a Christmas Album, and I will need to purchase this very soon! I just love Christmas guys! I even went out and purchased some Christmas smelling air fresheners for Skittle! (Skittle is my lime-green bug if you do not know!) I know... I am a little overboard, but if you don't get excited about the season I just don't think its right!! The real reason for the season is Jesus, and I know this don't worry, I just really like the comerical part of it as well!! I can't wait till they light up the tree in New York, I won't be there, but I will have a front row seat (on my couch) and watch the big lighting!! Yeah!

I have missed my Grey's anatomy for the past 5 weeks, and since I do not have TIVO I believe that I am going to have to set aside some time and watch it on the ole Internet!! I do not know if you watch that show, it is a bit inappropriate if we are being honest, but I am a bit obsessed with it. Almost as obsessed with it as I used to be with Friends. Anyways, one of my best friends, Courtney caught me up and it seems pretty steamy and dramatic this season!! Goodness Gracious, can't wait to get caught up!

The other day at my bagel shop I ran into one of the boys that I interned for at the Church on Rush Creek!! It was so fun to see him! He is a senior this year and he was telling me all about his college friends, and how he doesn't have a girlfriend because its senior year, and he just couldn't imagine doing that his senior year! ha! It was just so fun to see him, and see how he has matured, and just matured in the Lord!! It was true blessing. I love running into the kids that I interned for and just seeing how much they have matured, ect. The Lord has really been showing me how much my heart really loves ministry and just being involved like that. I think one of the things that I am most excited about with graduation is that maybe I can become even more involved with the church! I know just because I am graduating does not mean I am going to have tons of extra time on my hands... but I really do think I will have more of a regular schedule which will be nice! I just am excited to see what the Lord is going to have me do in the future!

Okay, well this has been quite a frivolous post, but thanks for reading to the end if you did!! ha ha!! Back to writing my paper!! UGGGHHH!! Love you guys oh sooooooooo much!! :)

One last thought... this was in my QT today and I just thought it was amazing!
Remember the very time for faith to work is when our sight begins to fail. And the greater our difficulties, the easier it is for our faith to work, for as long as we can see certain natural solutions to our problems, we will not have. Faith never works as easily as when our natural prospect fail.
George Mueller

I have also been wanting to post this amazing poem by Harriet Beecher Stowe:
Still, still with you, when purple morning breaks
When the birds awake, and the shadows flee;
Fairer than morning, lovlier than daylight,
Dawns the sweet consciousness, I am with Thee.

Alone with You, amid the misty shadows,
The solemn hush of nature newly born;
Alone with you in breathless adoration,
In the calm dew and freshness of the morn.

In a sunrise o'er a wavless ocean,
The image of the star does rest,
So, in this stillness, You discerning only
Your image in the waters of my breast.

When sinks the soul, subdued by toil, to slumber,
Its closing eyes look up to You in prayer;
Sweet the repose, beneath your wings o'ershadowing,
But sweeter still to wake and find You there.
Harriet Beecher Stowe

Look No Further Ladies...

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ, that a man should have to seek Him first to find her."

Before I write this, I would like to preface this post with the fact that this is not a post about how I hate men- or how men need to step up their game. I think many times as single Christian women, we get caught up in the opinion that "Christian men need to stop acting like boys, and start acting like men." We get caught up in the fact that it would be nice to actually see someone our age fall, but instead of sitting in the hole for awhile and mulling over the sin that got them in the hole, perhaps, actually get up and keep running. While this is a thought that I know many of my friends and I tend to think a lot, and perhaps talk about, this post is more directed at women. I think we are almost just as much at fault as the men that we call boys. So... please do not look at this post as saying that men are inherintly evil, and that ALL men are the same, and they will never change. This post is about how women need to check their hearts before we go start downing every Christian male we come across. (And trust me, I am preaching to the choir on this one.)
As single Christian women, I belive that we have become complacent with what we THINK we deserve... which is often times way below what we actually do deserve. (I would also like to state, technically we do not deserve anything, but through Christ's sacrifice, he has made it where can be seen as worthy of love) We see POTENTIAL, and we SETTLE. We tell ourselves, "Oh, he is amazing, and it will only get better when we go deeper into our relationship." Then, when the male ends up not meeting our endless list of expectations, we blame him for not being a "man", when in all actuality, we were the ones that put the unreal expectations on someone we knew might not meet the standards that we had in the first place. We don't examine our hearts and minds, nope, it is automatically the males fault. This is where I believe we are greatly at fault, and also where the quote comes into play that I have at the beginning of the post. If our our hearts are so hidden in Christ that that is where the male has to go to find it: I really, honestly, believe that we will check ourselves before we start to go after, and settle for potential. Now, please, do not get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with potential. Really, we are all at a stage of potential, because we are all running to race (Christians) towards Christ. We all have to start somewhere, but I believe when you are hidden in Christ, you will not settle for anything less than the Lord's best for you.
Ladies, do you realize that the Lord goes over and beyond any kind of expectation of love that we could possibly have? We all listen to these beautiful love songs, and most of us long for someone that could love and romance us in that way. The fact of the matter is that we HAVE someone to love and romance us. We have Him, our amazing Prince, standing in front of us: begging us to allow him to show us our beauty through his sacrifice and love. He loves us in more REAL ways, and for more reasons than we can fathom or imagine. He even loves our ugliest parts. (When I say our ugly parts, I am referring to our deepest disappointments that we have in ourselves, the parts of us that we are afraid if anyone were to find out, they would surely never speak to us again, let alone love us through.) SO, why do we go about searching for it in the males that are present around us, before we are founded in HIM? Why do we do the whole "male search" escapade, before checking our hearts, and making sure that they are secure in Him, and Him alone? We will never find what we are looking for until we know that we are secure in Him. Until we see our beauty from the vantage point of His sweet Grace, we are probably going to fail in our search for our boyfriends, or even more honestly, our search for our future husbands.
This really dawned on me this morning when I was driving to go get my coffee and a bagel. I was listening to some music, and I just realized that everything we long for romantically can be found through HIM. Although this is, in essence, a simple concept, I believe it is sometimes hard to grasp. We get so caught up in what we have done, how we have messed up, and any other reason that we can think of that no one would love us, that we run and try to find fulfillment in everything else other than the Lord. When our Sweet, Wonderful, Merciful, Wonderful Savior is waiting for us to run to Him.

Here are some verses that were encouraging to me this morning:
No, in all these things we are more than conquerers, through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither, death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord!
Romans 8:37-39
For the sake of Christ, then I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong!!! (I added the exclamation marks :))
2 Corinthians 12:10
In Him, we have redemption through blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace. Which He lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ, as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in Him, things in heaven and things on Earth.
Ephesians 1:7-10
Ladies, His love really does swim in the deepest oceans of fear; He IS HERE, and it is not another empty promise, but a real, true statement! Within love, we must know that there is grace, and in Christ, there is an unending amount of grace.
Some of the lyrics from Overwhelm me:
Take not that presence from me, for I desire to know you more, more.
For you are worthy of all, you are worthy of all I am and more, more.
I need to set my mind on things above, on the holiness and glory of my God.
In the heavens and in my heart, you created a mountain, and you set a spark that grew into a flame... That burns deeply for you.
Overwhelm me, take from this place, and put in the place where you are.
Overwhelm me, shake the ground I stand on, I want to be dependent on You, and only You!

Love you guys, hope this wasn't too heavy. This has just been on my mind, and I promise this is not directed towards anyone particular, but just something that just really was on my heart this morning. LOVE YOU ALL!! :)

Things have changed...

I was going through some old stuff, and this is something that I wrote around last February and I just thought it was interesting. I agree with a lot of things that I wrote, but I can also see many different areas that I see a little differently now.
This was something I wrote awhile ago:
We all want love. We want to know that there is a person out there with whom they WILL never leave us, forsake us, or stop caring for us. Some people find this in form of friends, other in the form of boyfriends, others even in being physical with a person. Anything so that we can feel loved. The question that comes up though is, do we expect too much? Do we jump in too fast, do we become not ourselves because we believe in what that relationship could be. I've loved a lot of people in my life. I can genuinely say that I have loved. I have expected things from them that aren't realistic, and also things that are realistic. But people let you down. Things aren't what they seem. No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you want it, things aren't perfect. But it is about finding that person that will take you for what you are. Not for what they want you to be. Not what they think you are, but for them to take you FULLY for who you are, the good and the bad. The annoying and the funny; and the amazing. That is what love is. Love is when you are soo annoyed and mad at that person, you just want to be with them.. you want to be mad together. When they make you soo mad it is almost funny because of how dumb it is. Love will let you down. Love is not everything it seems, but its vital to life. Love is important. You may love, genuinely, wholly love somebody and they may never know it, but you have and will continue to love that person. What matters is that you know who you are, what you are about, and understand that its important to be true to yourself. Expect nothing, give everything. Don't hide who you are, embrace yourself. Everyone says guard your heart, I have learned either way, go in it whole heartedly, love. It will end up right, pray about it, follow what you feel the Lord is telling you. It will be hard, it will be tough, and there will be tears along the road. But in the end, True Love will be found- if its through a friend, a boyfriend (finance, husband, ect), or family. God is the only one that can love us perfectly and know what we need. Know that fact, embrace it, know people will mess up, and live.

Thoughts about this entry now:
Even though it has not be a full year since this entry, I do not know if I agree with everything in it. I think that I had the right mindset when writing it, but I think I have become a little bit more careful with my heart than I used to be. I have always been that person that puts their whole heart into everything. (well that is a pretty bold statement, so let's just say most things) This year has been crazy, but the Lord has taught me so much. He has taught me that only Perfect love can come from Him. Not from anyone else. We will be let down. In fact, we will be let down continuously, BUT the Lord will never let us down. NEVER: now, I have also learned that that does not mean we will not encounter sadness along the road!! :) Oh no my friend, we are bound to have tears along the road, because we are human, and there are many lessons along the way. There is encouragement in the journey though, we know we have Hope! We know for a fact there is Hope in the end of the journey because we will be with our Perfect, Sweet Jesus! And I really do believe the Lord longs to give us joy, but sometimes things will be hard, and may be hard for awhile. I do think it is a lot of how you handle it. This week has been a hard "handling it well" week for me, but I also think that we will have those weeks. We will have those weeks when it is extremely hard, and we don't know if we can go another step! But, the encouraging thing about that is, Joy does come in the morning!! For some reason, I have had some hard nights this week, but when the morning comes I am joyful. Where I would like to say that that has lasted the entire day this week, I can't, but I just have really been thinking about how true it is that JOY DOES COME IN THE MORNING!! Thank you Jesus!! :)
There have been a lot of things that are heavy on my heart this week, and just things that I have constantly been praying about, and this morning I looked at my devotional, and low and behold, something amazing was there! (The Lord knows when I need to hear something)
When the cloud remained... The Israelites... did not set out. Numbers 9:19
The psalmist said, "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry" (Ps 40:1) And what God did for the Old Testament Saints, He will do for believers down through the ages, yet He will often keep us waiting. Must we wait when we are face to face with a threatening enemy, surrounded by danger or fear, or belown an unstable rock? Would this not be the time to fold our tents and leave? Have we not already suffered to the point of total collapse? Can we not exchange the sweltering heat for "green patures... (and) quiet waters" (Ps 23:2)? When God sends no answer and "the cloud remains", we must wait. Yet we can do so with full assurance of God's provision of manna, water from the rock, shelter, and protection from our enemies.
Young person, wait! Do not be in such a hurry to make a change! Minister, Stay at your post! You must wait where you are until the cloud clearly begins to move. Wait for the Lord to give good pleasure to you! He will not be late!
Streams in the Desert

Just wanted to share all this with ya'll!! It was encouraging to me... Love you guys, thanks for listening!! :)

His Will above all Else...

You ever just feel like getting up and screaming. Maybe just busting out in song? Perhaps just doing a little dance in the middle of a huge crowd? Not necessarily to get any attention, but just because that is the only thing that you can think to do. The only way you can feel that you can possibly express yourself at that point or time. I do. Lately, I have wanted to do a combination of all those things. Words have become few, and my feeling have been in overflow. I think that is something that is so frustrating, but in these times, I have to trust that the Lord knows my heart, and knows what I am thinking and feeling. He is the ultimate healer, and also knows what is best for my soul, mind and heart.

A thousand times I've failed, still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again, I am caught in your Grace
Everlasting your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending your glory goes beyond all fame
My heat and my soul, I give you control
Consume me from the Inside out God
Let Justice and Praise become my embrace
To love you from the Inside Out

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself in brining you praise
Everlasting your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending your glory goes beyond all fame
My heart and my soul I give you control
Consume me from the Inside out Lord
Let Justice and Praise become my embrace
To love you from the Inside out
EVERLASTING YOUR LIGHT WILL SHINE WILL ALL ELSE FADES
NEVER ENDING YOUR GLORY GOES BEYOND ALL FAME
AND THE CRY OF MY HEART IS TO BRING YOU PRAISE
FROM THE INSIDE OUT MY SOUL CRIES OUT

my heart and my soul, I give you control
consume from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
to love you from the inside out!!!
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades!!
never ending your glory goes beyond all fame
and the cry of my heart is to bring you praise
from the inside out my soul cries out!!

Soooo... here i am.. busting out in song. I don't have much else to say, other than God is good and he knows what He is doing. I don't. ha ha... With graduation coming up, and just everything else going on in my life, the only thing to do is to Trust him, and not depend on my feelings, but trust that the Lord will direct my steps.