The Lord is so gracious to me in what he shows me and when he allows me to see things. What I mean by this is exactly when I need something the Lord is SO gracious to go over and beyond that need and meet me in the most intimate way. Where he does provide for my physically with shelter and means to keeping that shelter... my job, etc., I am more talking about my emotional/spiritual needs. I have been dreading summer a bit because I knew I was going to be having ALL this time and it was mainly going to be to myself, being as most of my friends have jobs which make them work during the summers. :) I have been dreading this because I am one to be somewhat of a complex thinker, but sometimes this is good and at times this is bad. IF I focus on the wrong things it can be bad. So, I let Christ know up front (not that he already didn't know ;)) that I was a bit nervous about this whole summer thing. Where I knew that my body and my brain and, honestly, my emotions needed a break, I was still scared about how this time would go. I mean, I have really, really been blessed with how this year has gone and what all I have gotten to experience through my kids. It has brought a whole new perspective to my thinking and has completely stirred my affections for Christ even further. To be away from that scared me because, and still sometimes scares me, in the sense of I do not want to forget how gracious the Lord is and what my purpose is while I am here...to serve Him. And let's face it...I am a pretty prideful person. If I get to focus on myself too much that is where in lies the problem. So, knowing this you would think that I would not find this as my problem when summer starts.... but.... pride attacked.
I feel like pride sneaks up on you when you are least expecting it to rear its little head. And then, you get so immersed in yourself and your "problems" you don't see that it is pride. Luckily, I have sweet friends whom love me and are more than happy to call me out on this pride..(Thank you Elise;)).
An example of my very prideful heart-
Last week one of the sweet girls from The Village asked me if I was currently looking for a homegroup, and asked me if I would be interested in coming to one that her and some other girls had just started up. Sounds fantastic to me, I thought, and was ready to jump on board. Then she told me the book they were doing...Lady in Waiting. AMAZING book! Great, again I thought, this will probably be a good book for me to reading right now anyways. (The pride starts to rear his head here for another one of my first thoughts was, hmmm, I have read through this book like 3 times...do I really need to go through it again????). So with these thoughts both warring against each other, I decided to pick up the book and begin reading it again. I read the one chapter that they were on, and again the prideful side of the thinking came out again. Ash...do you really need to do be doing this book again? Don't you need to be looking to more mature thinking.. I mean you have read it 3 times? So, with that I put aside the book and decided to think on the whole situation. Then my hard week came upon me, and I found myself grasping for somethings that I thought that I COULD FIX. Oh, silly perfectionist Ashley searching within herself to fix things...you think by now I would know that that is not something that works in my favor. Anytime I try to fix something that is when it goes TERRIBLY wrong...as my sweet friend Elise so lovingly pointed out :) Before talking to Elise about this, I had had a conversation with my mom how annoyed I was at a certain situation an how I felt I was the one that messed everything up and there is no hope for me because I do not even know how to start fixing it. My mother lovingly listened to me, and then lovingly tried to set me straight. After my morning chat with her, I glanced over and saw Lady in Waiting sitting on my ottoman. Just as I had glanced over I also received a text saying what chapter we would be reading is small group. Can you guess what the chapter might be about..Contentment. Great, I thought...just what I need. (This was actually pretty sarcastic..but I knew what the Lord was trying to tell me at this point).
So, I began to reread this chapter. The first paragraph hit me right between the eyes, as well as the rest of the chapter. At this point in my life when everyone is getting married, or I feel as though everyone has found their significant other and is living life to the fullest, while little Miss. 23 here gets a little impatient waiting for her man to show up. I mean...can't the Lord bring him??!! I am more than a little impatient and yesterday morning right before I started reading this text message I was more than annoyed with a present situation at hand. Sometimes the desire of wanting that special someone in my life (whoever he may be) trumps the fact that God is working and I need to be patient. I know I want an amazing, God-fearing, witty, truth-speaking, person that challenges me a on a a daily basis...but why must I wait?? (OH SILLY ASHLEY.)
This is one of the first sentences in the chapter- "For a single woman to experience genuine contentment while soloing in a "couples' world," she must avoid the ditches of discontentment. She needs to learn the mystery of contentment and its power over the restless torture of desire."
desire...hmm, sounds familiar. And then enter even more conformation from the Lord that I was being completely sinful and silly by throwing the fit earlier to my mother.. the book speaks about Ruth. Just a little background- Ruth was widowed at a very young age and decided to leave everything to travel with her mother-in-law, Naomi. "Ruth was a God-fearing woman who showed that she had the capacity to wait. God blessed Ruth in this trying time, with someone who was wise; Naomi. Naomi instructed Ruth that Boaz was a candidate for being their kinsman-redeemer (this simply meant that Mosaic Law allowed Boaz, as the closest kin, to redeem the childless widow and keep the family name alive). Naomi had instructed Ruth to approach Boaz and ask him if he would be their kinsman-redeemer. Boaz's response to Ruth's request is precious. "And now, my daughter, don't be afraid. I will do for you all you ask. All of my fellow townsmen know that you are a woman of noble character" (Ruth 3:11).
Now...as a woman, I would be thinking, YES this amazing man is going to be my future husband AND he just told me that I am a woman of noble character...enter heart melting and girl making plans.
BUT, when Ruth comes back to report the news back to Naomi, Naomi responds with this, "Then Naomi said, Wait, my daughter, until you find out what happens. For the man will not rest until the matter is settled today" (Ruth 3:18). Who had to wait? The woman must wait. Who is the one who will not rest? The man, Boaz, will not rest. Waiting is not to cause suffering, but to prevent it. Women experience so much needless pain when they run ahead of God's format. Naomi knew that there may exist an even closer kinsman who would qualify to redeem her and Ruth. Naomi did not want Ruth's heart to race ahead into disappointment in case the circumstances did not go as assumed."
All from Lady in Waiting
One of the ways the Lord really showed me HE was listening to my pleas for Him, and listening to my heart is just by speaking to me through this book. Not only did he answer some questions I had through scripture, but he also helped me to see that the little "fit" that my mom had just graciously listened to was not only exactly that, A FIT, but how wonderful it was to have a mother who sets me straight and does not let me get ahead of myself just like Naomi. My day continued to be a day in which I would read, journal, glean, and then I would have sweet, Godly, amazing people speak truth into my life. I know all this may be a little confusing because I do not want to divulge a huge amount of information to the blogging public...but the overall lesson that the Lord seems to keep having to teach me is that little Miss. Prideful (aka..me) is wrong. The time when things go wrong in my life is when I seek to fix things or see something wrong and grasp for anything other than HIM. It's such a simple concept, but such a hard thing for me to continue to remember. The Lord is not out to get me...and I do not have to be perfect. How sweet Jesus to is to be so consistently after my heart that he is relentless in showing me truth and having others speak truth into my life. How great it is to have a God whom I KNOW loves me that much. I have never felt more loved...
