An update of sorts

I have dragged my feet to post this...most honestly, probably a bit out of fear. I think I have been dealing with a bit of fear on the front of some of the things in my life. The Lord is graciously working on my heart, which is good, stretching and tough at times. In the end, I am thankful the Lord goes after my heart as he does.

The news... I am engaged! If you know me well, you already know this. But, here are some details! His name is Josh Kavanagh. He is spectacular. He loves me well, has and does pursue me well, is strong-willed, compassionate, caring, thoughtful, smart, and is also a teacher. Above all, he loves Jesus. He challenges me, and engages me in such a loving way. I am thankful the Lord has brought him into my life, and the Lord has blessed me by allowing me to do life with this amazing man.

We have known each other, and of each other for quite a while. My friend Tiffany from high school first introduced us, and we also went to college together. Josh was my SWAT leader at DBU, although I must admit he remembers this much better than I do. (Yes, I guess I am a bit of a jerk on that front.) As the years passed, we have kept in touch, but have never dated. This last year he asked me out, and I though, what the heck! So glad I said yes because his country charm and his sweet spirit took me in! He has loved and pursued me well from the beginning, and the day before my birthday (November 19th) he asked me to be his wife! We will now be getting married on June 22nd.

I wanted to share some pictures of my beloved and also hoping this will get me on a blogging role yet again. It has been a crazy year at school this year. They have taken away a conference from us every other day, and add that in with the extra-curricular that I do, plus any sort of life I would like to have, it leaves little time for blogging about my musings about life. Alas, I shall try harder, for no other reason that it is therapeutic to me plus I love the blogging community. :)

Enjoy the pics and thanks for reading my catch up!

Love you all,
Ash

Reflection

Growing in the Lord can often times be uncomfortable and stretching. Although it something that you definitely want in your life,I believe the closer you get to him and how gracious of a King he is, you see many more sinful parts to your life. I am talking about the legalistic view of what is right versus wrong in your life, but rather you see parts of your heart that need major reconstruction.

This past year (looking back from last year at this exact time) has been a major growth year. At times it has been EXTREMELY uncomfortable, and hard. I felt at times I was left alone by the Lord and did not know why he had brought me to certain places in my life. Looking back over the course of the year from where he has brought me to now, I have to say I am very thankful. I believe every experience he brings in my life does have a major purpose for forming me and making me into someone who is more like Him. I not even close to being compared to Jesus, so don't think that is what I am saying. What I am saying is that I think he brings us through certain trials and maybe even heartaches (I feel this in my case) to bring us out on the other side to say, Look sweet child what I have had for you all along!? Why can't you just trust me?'. I know this quote may be used often, but I think it is so true. C.S. Lewis said, "We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." Often times, we get so caught up in what we want, what we could have, what we think we deserve that we don't look at where God has placed us, individually. Obviously my walk, nor my life is going to be the same as my friends. I may love what they have and think that is amazing for them, but if I covet that and desire that for my life, what does that say about my thankfulness for what the Lord has given me?

I have constantly been a person that looks at others lives and think, wow, that is really great that they have all of that... I wonder when that will happen for me. I am being extremely honest here. I can call it many different things, but when it boils down to it I have an extreme amount of pride, sometimes even manifesting itself as thwarted pride, which makes me think I deserve certain things. As I get closer and closer to the Lord, I realize I don't really deserve anything. The freeing part about this is it just makes you see how gracious and loving our sweet Jesus is. He desired me when he knew I would be a half-hearted creature. He knew he would reveal himself to me, and that I would still want to go play in the mud at times. He knew he would bring me out of things that could possibly cause me pain and heartache that were maybe just not right for me, and that I would fight him tooth and nail over it. He knew he would take me on a journey and that even when I am angry at where I might be, that He loves me just the same and desires me to see Him in all his glory. I amazed today at the journey of this past year. I went through some heartache and through that heartache he has brought me to another place all together. I feel he is still pressing on my heart daily, and showing me my sinful heart. And the funny thing is, I really believe as you get closer to the Lord, you just see your heart for what it is--wayward. And you are JOYFUL for how GRACIOUS Jesus is. You don't become down on yourself for messing that thing up (well maybe sometimes you do...) but rather you see that there is unlimited grace offered for you at the Cross and he has died in your place for all your sins. He loves you. like crazy loves you.

How great is a God that loves you so much. Oh, to know him more.

Balance

"We grow up when we see our lives from God's perspective; when we thank God for the role he has assigned to us and begin to see our cup as a gift instead of a cross; when each morning we ask, "God, how can I glorify You today in my given role?".

This quote is from a book I am reading called, "Calm my anxious heart" by Linda Dillow. Here lately, I find myself getting frustrated at all the roles I have to play. At how much is expected of me at work, and how much physically, mentally and emotionally that takes out of me. I find myself comparing myself to others and not necessarily wishing for what they are doing, but in a way coveting what I perceive to be "free time". That "free time" I seem to so want is probably to them just as busy as what my life may be perceived as. This morning I was reading and I read the above excerpt, as well as "To much is given, much is required". How true that is. In fact, I teared up a bit when reading this. Maybe that might not be that crazy since I can be an emotional woman, but here lately I have been trying to hold it together. Take it one day at a time, as many people tell me. This year we only have a conference (a break in the day where we can call parents, input grades, grade papers, work on any cheer stuff I have, etc.) every other day. Due to this, most of my school meetings are now before or after school, which takes any extra energy out of you that you may have possessed before the meeting. I have started to see sides of myself and others that are not the most pleasant. I long for the days when we had a conference everyday. I get frustrated and overwhelmed. My brain is fried, and I feel like I am constantly working. Trust me, I am not saying this in a complaing tone, although it may come off as that since this is not face-to-face conversation. Rather, I am telling you, I am having a hard time balancing when to stop working and take time for myself. I am in the word, but not as much as I would like to be. I think all the time, Ash, everything will only fall into place if you are in the word FIRST. I am playing the comparison game more often and being oober-critical of myself in everything, and especially the things I have struggled with most in the past. (Go figure since I just wrote a blog about that).

All that to say, what I am trying to find right now is balance. I have been a horrible friend, but I have to purposefully p;an a time when I can call my friends. Last week I fell asleep at 8:30 and also took a nap at 6 that night. I don't do that usually unless I am sick. I know I am not the only one feeling this way, because in talking to my colleagues they are feeling the same way. I can't imagine having babies and a husband right now and trying to balance all that without going insane. This week my good friend at school came in and said, "Ash, what are you doing!?" To which I replied, "Planning and color-coding my planner, silly!". To which he then told me that I was planning in a 2010 calendar. ha, depressing and also tells you my brain is a bit tired. Even in all this, I do know this is where the Lord has placed me and where he wants me--crazy schedule and all. Right now I am just being very convicted in being more positive and being more content with where I am right now. Not playing the people-pleasing game, the complaing game, the wish I had her job game, but rather having the, "Thank you, Lord for what you have blessed me with" posture. I can say there are lots of issues that this is hard for me- my type A personality, my perfectionism, my desire for the kids to succeed even if they don't want to, my people-pleasing....but what it all boils down to are sin issues I am not dealing with or refusing to see. That is always fun when the Lord points that out.

My last point is- where is my focus? Is it on Eternity and what the Lord wants for my life, or on ME? I so often make this world all about me and my wants and desires instead of who He is and what He desires for my life and for those around me. Instead of focusing on how I can minister to those around me and pour myself more into the Lord and the Lord's purpose for myself, I play the woe is me card. I don;t even mean to do it sometimes...I just get so frustrated and tired. I think there is a balance in life, and one must get rest and take care of oneself (hello Sabbath) but there is also the HUGE part where I must recognize that this world is not about me, but rather about my one true love, Jesus.

"If we want to be women of contentment, we must choose to accept our portion, our assigned roles from God. We must make the choice to dwell on the positive aspects of our role in life. If we don;t, we'll be discontent, always wanting something different from what we have been given."

Here's to restoration and contentment...

Blush

I got asked to contribute to a blog called Blush. Blush is a conference that I spoke at months back. This is probably the most raw I have been in a blog. Autumn, the founder of Blush, asked me to share my story with her readers. She asked me to post it on my facebook page, and I have decided just to retweet her tweet about my blog and put it on here. As much as I would like to say fear of man never has a hold on me, I still think it is a little hard to share your whole self with others.

So, that being said, here is the blog that I wrote. :)

Jaded Beauty

As woman, we all have that tendency to pick ourselves apart. Although some women might be more forthcoming with what they see wrong with themselves, I still believe most women, if not all, scrutinize about the way the look, feel, or may be perceived. Some women may mask this with overconfidence, wearing clothes that show off their figures, or buying things that make them feel better. Others might completely obliterate any good qualities that can be perceived from others because they have such a low view of the beauty of who they are. I tend to be on the pendulum that swings from one extreme to the other.

Jaded beauty these days is much of what we look like, how we are perceived and even more so, what we want to be perceived as. Do you want to be perceived as someone who does not care what people think, or do you want to make sure everyone takes notice of you and who you are? The thing is, I think we all long to be known as women. We long for someone to come along, take notice and not only be drawn to us, but rather be CAPTIVATED by us. We do not want them to just see our outward beauty and be taken by that (even though that is nice to think about) but we want them to notice all of us. We long for someone to see our quirks and love us just the same as they did before they found out about them. When thinking about the word "jaded" I start to think about where we have gone wrong in deciding what makes someone beautiful. We don't necessarily look at unique qualities within a woman, but rather compare them to ourselves and think what we might do to make ourselves better or more desirable than the next. We play the "comparison game" rather than looking at ourselves and working on inward beauty.

I know that when I see someone who is physically more fit than I am or skinnier, has that amazing body we may all covet, I struggle with comparison and then try to come up with a plan to be the next Victoria Secret beauty. I don't want to be ordinary, but rather extraordinary. I want others to think I am the best....aww, jaded beauty. Jaded beauty can also be looked at as pride. Thwarted pride or just all out "I am the best looking woman in here" kind of pride...either way, we are all jaded. We don't try to make our inward beauty shine because we are too worried about what others may think, or how we feel our bodies look that day, or what size we used to be, or that blemish that ever-so-suddenly appeared on our face when we have something really big we need to look GREAT for that particular day. We scrutinize over how we can do better and look better and how today will be different and we will feel differently tomorrow if we just do something different tomorrow (make ourselves better).

I would wager to say Jaded beauty is not something new that has just happened in this century. Sure, we have a new definition of beauty than they had in the 19th century, but have we really changed our thinking over how to be beautiful? I don't think so. Yes, we may have sky-high ads of the "perfect" Jenn Anniston drinking her smart water with her long luscious hair that makes us feel a bit down on that extra cupcake we indulged in today, or not working out in a week. But do you not think that they may have had beauty standards back in the day that were similar, just maybe not posted on billboards?! (And don't get me wrong, I love me some Jennifer Anniston...just saying the girl looks great in all ads BUT it is posted everywhere ya look). I guess what I am getting at here is honestly, until I start looking at what is inside me and what the Lord has made me to be,do I honestly get closer to the "beauty" model that I am supposed to be longing after. I still struggle with it on a daily basis, and probably more like an hourly basis on a bad day, thinking about how I look, how i am perceived and other such things that are really not important to my quality of life in the long run. However, it is still there... the way you fix that is finding your worth in something that is not of you. I honestly do not think there is a way to find worth unless you are looking at the Creator who made you. He knows every hair on your head and made you unique for a reason. We all have a purpose for being here, and in that, I think we should rejoice. He has made us unique. He didn't make us all look the same, act the same, or have the same figure, because (as I think of it) it would be BORING. What is unique about everyone being the same?? So, why do we long for that on such a constant basis?

Maybe, you are different. Maybe you don't really struggle with the whole beauty issue. That is AWESOME if that is so. But, for me, I must say I struggle with this very frequently and the only way I find solace in this situation is by realizing that the Lord did not call me to be a size 2 for my life mission. He called me to "work with willing hands, have a heart that people can trust in, dresses herself with strength, opens her hands to be poor and reaches out her hands to the needy, strength and dignity are her clothing and she laughs at days to come, opens her mouth up with wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue, she does not participate in idleness and most of all she remembers CHARM IS DECEITFUL AND BEAUTY IS VAIN BUT A WOMAN WHO FEARS THE LORD IS TO BE PRAISED." (paraphrased a bit...from Proverbs 31).

Oh, to be that woman.

Love you all!

"Kep" Keplinger...how I miss him SO.

There are many times in life where we are faced with hard things. I believe as you get older, you tend to experience these more so than when you did when you were younger. At least, I think that it may hit you a bit harder because you are older and understand it more thoroughly than you might have at a younger age. Monday, the 27th, on my grandparents 57th wedding anniversary, my Papa left this Earth to be with my heavenly Father. I don't really have much to write in this post, because most of it is below. This is what I had the privilege of saying about my Papa, who meant and still means, so very much to me, at his funeral. I thought it would be cool for my friends to get to read how awesome of a man he was. So here, sweet friends, is a blog dedicated solely to my sweet Papa- "Kep" Keplinger. :)


Hello, my name is Ashley Keplinger and I am the second oldest grandchild of my sweet Papa, Kep.

There are a lot of things that I could tell you that were funny about my Papa and I’s relationship. Perhaps, I could tell you how I never really knew his name was not “Kep Keplinger” until this past year. I know a 25 year old should know that, but I just thought his parents did not feel like being creative and wanted everyone to remember his name. I never knew that he just was not too fond of his first name, so he went by Kep. I could tell you that he always had a witty joke to offer when you were down, and could make light of any situation, and then in turn tell you how it would be okay and to have HOPE that things would turn out okay- to believe that things would work out because God had his best in mind for you. I could tell you many funny stories about my Papa, but I think I would rather tell you the most important thing that he left with me. This would be his faith and determination he had in everything he did. I watched my Papa grow more in the Lord the past 10 years than I did in my entire life. I watched him encourage others through extreme adversity and hardships and at all times have a smile on his face and a joke to offer.


“You can’t help but fall in love with him”. A doctor said this about my Papa on the day that Pop decided he was tired of all his treatments. It was interesting to me on the last days he was around how much every doctor and nurse seemed to really be moved by my Papa, and how much emotions and heart were involved in what they were doing. One of the male nurses, Mark, bought a cake that said “Happy 57th Anniversary Mom and Pop” on the last day we were at the hospital. The man that turned off his defibrillator machine, who was obviously close to Papa after 10 years of working with him, teared up when turning off his unit. Some of the doctors and nurses seemed truly surprised when he decided to quit treatments. You see, the thing about my Papa is he was not one to ever give up. In fact, in my entire life I do not think I ever saw him give up on something. And to be honest with you, I do not believe that he gave up the day that he decided he did not want any more evasive treatments, or drugs making his heart pump.

I believe he was ready to go home. Not his house home, but rather home to be with our Sweet Jesus. The day after he decided to be moved to hospice, Romans 8:18 was one of the verses that was found in my devotional. As I read on, I felt the Lord was saying, Look what your Papa gets to encounter! He gets to encounter ME!


Romans 8:18-24 says-
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed in us. For creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope, that the creation itself will be set free from bondage of decay to obtain the freedom of glory of the children of God. For we know that whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.


I believe this passage sums up what the Lord did through my Papa. I truly believe my Papa was a living, breathing example of the gospel being lived out. Although we groan inwardly and ache for what is to come, we wait with HOPE for what is to come. We have HOPE that there is something greater calling us and in the end we will be restored and get to be with Him who made us and loves us so. As my Papa’s body was giving up the past 10 years, my papa “hoped in what he did not see and waited with patience”. What a testimony and what a GREAT gift the Lord gave to my Papa. I believe suffering is allowed so that we can see something greater and get something more out what has been given to us. Although this thorn in his side was given to my Papa, he fought the good fight. So, at this time I know that I grieve for myself, my precious grandma, my family, and his sweet friends, but I know right now my Papa is not grieving. I truly believe he is in a much better place than he was when he was with us. He has fought the good fight and he Won! He with our Lord Jesus Christ in Glory!!!!

In ending this I believe my Papa would share this hymn with you rather than say one more thing about him. He was never one to boast about himself. I would always sing to and with my Papa, so bear with me as I try to do so and leave you with this- “Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in his wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim. In the light of his glory and grace.”


Thank you.


Love you guys,
Ash

Day 5-To the ONE that makes my heart come alive...

Sweet Jesus,

This last year and half has been something that I have not expected. I did not expect many of the things that happened or came to pass in my life. At first and throughout many of the struggles I was very opposed to them and did not want to accept what was going on in my life. I cried out of help over and over again and there were many tears that were involved in the process. I believe you allowed those tears and hurt so that you could come rescue my heart. You allowed many things to happen in my life this past year so that I could see your Grace and also so you could show me some things that I lacked and needed to learn. You allowed some of my hardest life-lessons and heartbreak this year, but through that you showed up so completely. You showed me more than ever who you are and who you are not. You showed me characteristics of yourself that no one else possesses. You showed me how easy it is for me to look for my worth in worldly things, such as a boyfriend, my work, my kids at school, and image of what I feel I should look like instead of finding them completely in you. You showed me what it is to have a heart that is completely broken but truly only wants what YOU want...not what I want. You showed me a dream can be broken and yet a new one can be built. You showed me that even when someone betrays you as a friend that you are there and can love me so completely when that happens. You have showed me that I must have love for others even when that is the least of what I would like to do. You have showed me there is a line between letting others walk all over me and standing up for myself. You have instilled in me and continue to show me what the fruits of the Spirit are. You continue to show me where I am lacking and how far you have brought me. You continue to show me that I am a work in progress yet you have made me believe you love me the same. You loved me for who I was yesterday and today, not some future version of myself. You finally have allowed my heart to come to a place where I believe this. You have made my heart come alive. You have showed me that I do not need a man in my life for this to happen. You have showed me that ALL I REALLY NEED is YOU. All of the extra things that I have in my life are blessings from you so that I can see and show more of you. You have allowed such growth, even when it was excruciatingly painful. You have allowed those scars to shown, but you have produced fruit from these things. You have brought me to a place where I am finally OK with where I am at. It is not dependent on what is happening around me and my circumstances, but rather on your love and recognizing that you DO NOT CHANGE and will not change. Even when everything around me is crumbling down, you stand strong. For that, Lord, I am thankful. You are the one that has truly made my heart come alive, and for that I am eternally thankful. Thank you for loving me and helping me realize I do not need a husband (or other things I may have made as an idol) to make my heart come alive... I need you.

Love you,
Ashie