true love's kiss....

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball and you just gotta rollllll with it..... or so i have heard. my curve ball has actually been a result of choices and decisions I have made, so I do not really know if that is considered a curve ball. what do you think?

The Lord's graciousness has really overwhelmed me the past few days. you think since he is such a great God, it would overwhelm me constantly, huh?! unfortunately i am constantly looking at myself, and what all is going on with me, instead of looking to him and serving him and serving others. its a ridiculous cycle. but, i am thankful that the lord has started showing me soo much and is allowing me to see my sinful self, and allowing me to see his grace and mercy in it. soooo thankful for that. the past few days i have just wanted to grab a cup of coffee with someone and just talk about my Jesus. talk about what he is doing, what he has done, hear what he is doing in the other person's life. i really think this is something that stirs my affections for him. you know as crazy as it would sound to talk about this man to someone who may know nothing about Him, know nothing about his grace, who may think i am just some crazy religious texas person (you know the ppl that i am talking about)... I just long to converse about the Lord. how good he is, how gracious...ect. i don't know, i just am having this overflowing of my heart and just want to talk about Him ya know.

I am realizing a lot about myself. I am involved in this step-study, which is part of the recovery process at my church. it has been amazing, and so, so eye-opening. i have gotten to see my sin issues, and just start to deal with them. it has not always been fun, but it has been good. ya know what i mean? (for the one person that reads this...hehe, ya know?!?) Sometimes when I am in the mood, its just best for me to blog it out. Plus, if you get tired of listening, you can just stop reading ya know ;) I think blogging is therapeutic...but I digress.... things the Lord is showing me, teaching me, or I am just realizing as a result of many things...

1. I am extremely selfish. WAY TOO selfish. I care what I want, and I have been in my own little world that has wanted what ashley wants right now, and if I dont get it I pout. It is time for this to change. I don't know how that is going to look, but the Lord is showing me that it needs to change.
2. I worry too much. Really, we shouldn't worry at all. But I do. This is also something that I am trying to give over to the Lord, but it is still a process.
3. I am a hopeless romantic and I can't help it. The past few months I have tried to stay away from the sappy love movies... shoot, I haven't watched the notebook in A LONG time... but nevertheless, I am a hopeless romantic. I love everything about love. I want to be cute with the man of my dreams. But that is just it... the man of my dreams, not just some guy that I settle for. I am trying to work this out in my head as well. What is the happy medium between loving romance, wanting it, yet not making it an idol in your life? Something I am working through. Plus... lets just face it, im the girl that says awwwwwww to everything. haha, but seriously. i really think that i had placed marriage in my life as an idol, so sorting through this whole "i love romance, i can't wait thing..." vs. really, am i kidding, can i wait. trying to figure out what is the healthy part of desiring love and companionship, and then trying to decipher what isn't healthy. that is something i am sorting out right now....
In the mean time however, can i just say i have been watching some sappy love movies, and oh how i have missed them.
4. Can i just tell you that as much as i want to plan my future, and although i do not know what is going to happen in the next year, or where i am going to be.... i have a peace. this is huge for me. its a new found peace, a peace that the lord is showing me i can have when i rest in him. (or for me, try as hard as i can to rest in him.... i will get there.)
5. I love you guys sooo much, thank you for being apart of my life... bc I have a feeling if you read this to the very end, you love me a whole lot and mean a whole lot to me :)

Till later my sweet friends,

Closure

Closure is a word that I have started to become very acquainted with in the past few weeks. Closure is a good thing, and I know this, and I know head-wise/knowledge wise it is the right thing...telling my heart the same thing is a different story however. I think, or rather, I know that I have a hard time letting things go. I really do...those closest to me know this fact and love me through it.... however, its time to let go. Way past time probably.

This afternoon I decided to take a sabbatical if you will, and I drove home. (Parents house- Houston) I need a little daddy and mom time. My dad has this amazing knack to just tell me exactly what I need to hear, not necessarily what I want to hear, and just everything always seems to click when we talk. They know me, and shoot me straight. My plan during the day tomorrow is sleep in, read, journal and pray. I love coming here to get away. It is so pretty in their neighborhood, my parents have a puppy (hehe, love him!), and just how much one-on-two time I get with my parentals. :)

New Things, Happenings, Nice Little Anecdotes....

1. Today I accepted a full-time sub position at MHS. I will teaching History, I know not what I'm certified in... but either way, good classroom management practice :)
2. Still praying about and applying to LOTS of schools for an English Position for the upcoming year. Please keep praying that one comes along... The Lord is good! Something will come up, I just don't know when... that is where my patience is being tested. I suck at being patient.
3. I went through my Inventory with my sponsor and love, Lauren, and it was a hard process, but I feel like sooo much is being revealed about me and just areas of sin in my life that need to be turned around. Our God is sooo gracious.
4. American Idol is one of my new favorite shows.... LOVE IT! I giggle every time little David
Archelta comes on... i want to put him in my pocket.
5. Even though I have graduated I think I am in a little bit of denial about all the rest of my friends graduating. I'm scared all my friends are going to move away, which might actually happen. Working on that as well....
6. One of my friends asked me what my summer plans were today, and that was when I realized.... I have no summer plans. A little scary and makes me want to get out my planner....eek.
7. The Lord is good, I am so thankful that the Lord is gracious enough to be refining me.

And now... a story to leave you. This was a story my mom told me today when I got home...

Mom: Ashie, guess what mommy did.
Ash: What, mom?
Mom: So me and daddy were at a BBQ cookoff, and there were people walking around asking us to try Wild Game. Of course, daddy was trying everything, so I thought I would too. First they asked if I wanted to try dove. So I tried it. Then they came around and offered me whale. I was like no.... I don't want any whale, thank you. Then your daddy said, "Baby, try it, I bet you will like it." So, I did. Of course, all I could think about was the fact that I was eating Whale so I put it down after I took a bite.
Ash: Mom, Whale? (I am notorious for ruining stories before they get through...)
Mom: Let me finish Ashie, when we got in the car I said to daddy, "Bobby, aren't you proud of me... I have had an eventful day. I tried dove AND whale!"
Dad: Sheri, Whale? It wasn't Whale, IT WAS QUAIL!!
Ash: oh, mom.....

bahahahaha. So if you ever wonder why I may be a little ditsy... exhibit A, Sheri Keplinger.

Realizations

You know when you have one of those moments where you are incredibly aware that everything has changed, and maybe there is just a small (rather large) chance that you have not completely moved on? Anybody....Anybody? Today I had one of those moments. I think a couple actually. This week has been one of those kick-you-in-the-butt weeks that makes you look at things, and realize that some things are better the way that they have become. It is better that things have become different and though things have been hard, things are finally starting to make sense. I may not have all the answers...far from it actually, maybe not even a plan (which I just love to have) but in these rare moments that I become incredibly aware of this fact, I have also become extremely thankful. That's right, thankful. How much I have fought that concept over and over again with this whole broken engagement/plan for the rest of my life thing being taken away.
But, have I looked at it in the wrong way? I think so. I want to live intentionally. I want to live in the moment...and be CONTENT in that moment. I know there will be times of unhappiness, that is true of life....its going to happen; but how wonderful would it be to just be in the moment, good or bad and know, KNOW that this is exactly where you are supposed to be. The thing is I believe with all my heart that the Lord is in control and that He has me right where he wants me, but more times than not, I don't think that I always live that out. I don't walk in freedom through that fact. This was my realization today. Things are the way they are supposed to be... I may not like it all the time, I may think that there is a "better" way that it could have played out (stupid, I know. I'm not God) but instead of being unhappy and sad at the way things have played out and the things I have found out, maybe I should choose to be thankful. Thankful for his grace, his mercy, his love, his incredible sense of humor and his love that I cannot even fathom. This is what I am going to try to walk in....freedom. Freedom to recognize that through the pain there is grace and understanding that only the Lord can have with someone. How great and mighty and WONDERFUL is our Sweet Jesus.