Life Lately...a little out of order

Elise is going to kill me for putting this on here...but I LOVE HER!

Bjer Smeejer...(my brother) at home.  His hair looks beautiful huh!? :) Oh brother.

Bj, Nanaka, Me and Austin in Houston.

Austin and I by the tree.

This is Jessie.  He is 100 years old.  Just kidding...we have had him since I was 5 and bj was 4.  He is older and cannot see or hear.  Poor baby...I feel like we must take a pic with him everytime I go home due to his old age.

Bj being....well, Bj.

Some of my old home-group girls.  Some amazing relationships have developed from the deep community we have shared.  Steph also has now gotten engaged!! Yay her!! 

Jordi, Cole, and Me!! Jordan got engaged that night!!  

Some of my girls on my birthday at school! My cheerleaders threw me a birthday party in class!! My little pony was the theme! :)

More of my girls.  

My girls being crazy at a football game!

Me and one of my girls.

My bests @ my personal favorite...Palio's!

Haley and I at a volleyball tourney.  This was actually the night my apartment got broken into.

Elise and I!!!! How I love her.

A much needed update of sorts...

Helllooo my loves!! How I have missed thee, and blogging :)  I am in a bit of a hurry, thus this will not be a long post, but I just wanted to give a few updates.

Updates:

1.  Football season is over and I have officially survived my first "football/cheer season"!  Hootie, Hootie Hoo!

2.  My apartment got broken into....thus, I will be moving.  Although it sucks that I got broken into, I am SOO thankful that I was not here, and they did not take my puppy.  I am also thankful my dad was in town and was able to zoom over here.  I also hope they are having fun with maureen (my white macbook with my life on it...) and my pretty tv.  (sarcasm).

3.  School is going great...we are in the middle of our research paper, and although it is a frustrating thing to teach a sophomore a thesis statement, I am so happy to have this job.  I love these kids so much and I am so thankful the Lord has entrusted me with them.  I looooveee my job!  

4.  I am also excited about Christmas break!  Wooo!

5.  I got a Christmas Tree for my birthday and I am sooo excited to put it up!! hehe :)

6.  There is a new person in my life that I am very happy about ;) (im a cheeseball...)

7.  I really want to buy my puppy a sweater!  I mean... I know that may be overboard, but it is chilly out there and I think she needs a cute CHRISTMAS sweater!  :)  

8.  I have decided I am going to deep clean my car...it is in much need.  I am writing this on here because maybe I will actually do it since it is written on here ;0)

I realize this may not be the best update ever...but I will be back soon!! LOVE YOU GUYS! 

faithless

My life has now become something that I find comfort in.  I have become comfortable within the change of newness that has come since college.  About 6 months ago I was singing a different kind of song... the kind of song in which the singer was very uncomfortable with the changes and did not really know how to feel about them.  Now I find myself in a different place.  A place I have become comfortable with, but know is only a temporary "comfort".  You see I have now finally have a regularity to my schedule, I somewhat have a plan.  My schedule does not really change, and in this I have become comfortable.  Wake up, let the dog out, take a shower, get ready, leave in a rush out the door usually while spilling coffee on myself, get to school just early enough to get myself together, pour into kids all day (or at least try to..) and teach my little heart out (again try to), bell rings- ash takes a breather, cheer practice, then home, dog, dinner, read/journal/get a reality check with jesus, go to bed.  This has become my schedule.  A schedule I was unsure of at the beginning of this new journey, if you will, but nevertheless, here I am; pretty comfortable.  

enter anything new.  and i mean anything... something that throws a wrench in my week, for the good or the bad, and i am bent out of shape.  questioning everything; panicked.  I want normalcy i scream inside... normalcy is all i want.  

normalcy?

see, this is where satan gets me.  just when i think i am finding my hope, love, joy in jesus, satan  and my own sinful desires, wishes and pride come up and completely blindside me creating this great fear in my heart.  "you are not ready...", "you are not okay...", "you are not there yet...", " you are not worth it...", "how could you think that something good can happen"...

I realize i am being very candid in this, so if that makes you uncomfortable I am very sorry.  my good friend on sunday said something to me that i have heard a million times before but really has stuck in my head, and very honestly i feel like this is the message that jesus is trying to get across to me.  "look to truth".  finding the truth is not necessarily ever that hard for me... it is the believing it part and clinging on to it part that sometimes gets me.  i never have a problem with the truth of how great and gracious our lord is.  i never have an issue with the fact that he is the risen son of God, and he is sovereign and everlasting.  you see, my hardship comes in the package of god will never accept me... god will never love me for the things i think or the things i do because he can see my heart.  this is a lie that is whispered to me on a daily basis.  i am not good enough.  and instead of saying, praise god, you are right, i am not good enough... i choose to get downcast and look for other ways to fill my soul to make myself feel better.  this is when the surrounding myself with truth would really help.  how amazing would it be to combat those thoughts with the beautiful truth of the lord.  although i have grown up knowing that the lord loves me unconditionally, no matter what i have done, for some reason i have a hard time believing that.  i live in this little word where it is never okay to do something wrong.  i have created this world in my life, and i have become the center of it.  this prideful world that i live in can crumble at any second when things do not go well.  this is not the case at all times, but i find myself going back to this at times lately.  and sometimes when this happens, i default and run to things that used to make me feel good for the moment.  this frustrates me and upsets me to no end.  it makes me uncomfortable, mad, and oh so frustrated with myself.  

you see even when i am feeling this way, the lord is still so near.  he is still so sweet.  he still always comes through to whisper, beloved i love you.  no matter what you think, or no matter what you feel in this moment, i love you more than you could possibly see or know.  he does not flaunt the fact that i don't deserve his love, but lavishes it on me.  and even after these sweet moments, i still go back to this anxiousness i so "comfortably" possess.  how sad.  

the lord is sweet though.  he is good, and i know even when i feel like i am not worth anything, he still picks me up and loves on me.  he still showers me with his grace and goodness and shows me, whether in that moment, or in a rare moment that i long to have far more often than naught, that he DOES love me.  whether i choose to believe it in that moment is up to me... but he loves me.  the truth is he loves me.  he loves the chattery, can't make up her mind, constantly finding something to worry about, dorky, extremely selfish, and way more serious at times than she needs to be Ashley.  i am thankful to our sweet lord for this, and i pray he continues to give me nuggets of truth.  i love him.  

Beloved, 

If we are faithless, he still remains faithful for he cannot deny himself.

2 Timothy 2:13

thanks for listening...

HELLO MY LOVES!!!! :)

Okay, I have not posted in 20 years... or so it seems, so I will begin my posting something that I posted on my facebook blog :)  Disclaimer:  I do not usually blog on facebook, but for some reason did that that particular day.  

Here it is:

Today, on this beautiful fall morning while driving with the windows down and listening to some John Coltrane in the background I started to reflect and think. When these "thinking/reflection" (for lack of a better word) comes on I love to take advantage of it. Writing it sometimes helps to process my thoughts.

The past year and a half has been a true, growing and defining time in my life. Never, would I have thought up the way the Lord has chosen to mature me and shape and mold me so that I know that I truely only should be living for him...and him alone. I am now at a point where the Lord has shown me all these different things through truely being brokenhearted. He has shown me He is near to the broken-hearted and constantly there when you call on him. I cannot imagine my life without my Savior or the goodness, love, joy and peace He alone has brought to my life. 

I am now a point where everything he has showed me is meant to be implemented. For the first time in my life I am living by myself, paying my own bills, and I have a full-time job. The transition from college life to the "work world" has really required a shift in thinking and living. College ends and you start to see some friendships start to dissenegrate (which sucks, but each individual is now going down a different path), and then it becomes a time when you start to see relationships in a new light. I think you start to appreciate them more than you once did. You are more thankful for the deep, abiding relationships that you do have. You recognize the difference in these relationships versus the old. It does not mean that the old relationships were not meaningful or that they did not play a huge part in your life...things just change. That is part of life.

Many of my friends are now either married or have met the person they believe that they will marry. This is also an interesting time for someone who is very, very single.(Haha..I am so dramatic.) I believe the Lord is growing me tremendously when it comes to this area of my life. Please do not hear me saying that I feel as though I have arrived. I believe whole-heartidly that the Lord can deliever us from whatever He so chooses, however when we start to believe we have arrived or overcome too much of our selves are in that thinking; thus proving we are still flawed and in fact have not arrived. (I apologize for my rant... I digress). All this to say where I would have been blue because my close friends have this (of what I have past and still at times percieve as true happiness) the Lord has now reformed my thinking to know that may not be what He has for me now. I am single, and for the first time in my life I am okay with that. I know I will be fine, and even more honestly I do not need a male to complete me. My thinking and heart have been transformed by the fact that the Lord's love is all I need. Although I do desire to meet my perfect one, I know that it will only be right in the Lord's sweet timing. This revelation and peace can only be seen as from Jesus. Even a month ago I was not believing that the Lord had a plan for me. Then all of a sudden...in His timing, there was a breakthrough. The breakthrough has not come without many trials, tears and even tests; but how sweet He is to challenge and allow me to be tested and see that when I trust in his sweet name I become completely secure in him. 

So although this stage may not be what I planned: 22 (almost 23), single, living alone,teaching and still learning; I am thankful. Thankful the Lord has provided clarity at times, unending grace,peace, and some good friends that I can talk deeply with. I am thankful for a job that I have always wanted and feel like the Lord has been preparing me for. My hope is the Lord will continue to grow, shape, and mold me into who He wants me to be and that eventually in the future I will find someone who has a deep, abiding love for the Lord and will listen to my dumb stories and enjoy my quirkiness. I hope to sit outside and dream and reflect on the Lord's goodness with that special one and that He will challenge me to be the woman that the Lord has created me to be over a cup of Joe. Until then I truely hope that I continue to seek to find my worth and love in the Lord and that I continue to see his hand in all situations. Thank you for your grace, peace and love sweet Jesus.

And for good measure: thanks for listening ;)

Let's talk about BAD THEOLOGY...

what stirs you?

lately i have been thinking about what stirs my affections for the lord.  also what are the things that rather stir my feelings up rather than stirring my affections for the lord.  what are the things that i focus on too much that cause more stress and strife in my life than necessary?  there are many things that i focus on that cause me to take all of my focus off of christ and put it on myself.  namely, me.  i am the queen of worrying about how things will affect me... or how things will work out once i get into the mix of things.  one part of it is extremely selfish (well all of it), most of it is pride, full-out pride and thwarted pride, but when it really comes down to me not waking up and focusing all my energies on Christ and what he has done for me.  

instead i focus on how lonely i might be feeling, or how stressed out i am about school, or what if that lesson plan doesn't come out right and the kids don't understand and ultimately fail and then i am out of a job.  i mean... at the root of everything it comes back to my selfish desires.  me, me, me.  where i do think that the lord is killing a lot of that in me... and quite frankly, has killed a lot of that in me over the past year...it is still uncomfortable when it is pointed out.  my goal is to really start focussing on truth..."talking to myself, instead of listening to myself".  for when i listen to myself i am in a FAR WORSE condition and frame of mind (which i have been all week) versus when i talk to myself.

let me show you a little something from a book my best friend let me borrow:

"on a daily basis we are faced with two simple choices.  we can either listen to ourselves and our constantly changing feelings about our circumstances, or we can talk to ourselves about the unchanging truth of who God is and what HE HAS ACCOMPLISHED for us at the cross.  Far too often we choose to passively listen to ourselves.  We sit back and let our view of GOD and life be shaped by our constantly shifting feelings  about our ever changing circumstances.  Life is busy.  Often hard.  Full of distractions.  And before a morning cup of coffee, our passive  listening can take us on a roller coaster ride as we review a hundred different topics and experience a dozen varied emotions.  Is it a wonder we are so often unhappy?  We're listening to ourselves.  We need to start talking to ourselves instead"  (Mahaney 47).

so... to sum up.  this is where i am at.  stressed and feeling a bit... well, i am not sure.   but the passage from above definitely resinated with my soul.  Thank you C.J. Mahaney...and elise ;)  

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a couple of sidenotes:

1.  i am sick and thus feeling in a bit of a rut.

2.  i love teaching... i am just tired, and am needing a bit of encouragement.  and that will come.

3.  i know i started out using all lowercase, and then using some uppercase, and now some lowercase, and i am an english teacher.  sorry if that bothers you.  

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I will leave you with things that stir my affections for Christ and encourage you to make a list of the same.  not only is it fun... it is practical ;)

1.  obviously spending time with jesus... thus, writing/journaling,  getting in the word, reading...

2.  a good cup of coffee.  sitting in a little-known coffee shop, or starbucks  :)  listening to some ella, louis a, or etta.

3.  a good deep, conversation with friends.  where they are at, what they are struggling with, what is making them happy.  just truthful convos.  

4.  my kids-- the kids i teach that is.  that point when i see they truly understand what i am teaching... or when they just share important things with me.  (also, i love when they think i am a complete dork.  it is my calling. ha :))

5.  okay this may seem weird but CLOTHES.  designer clothes.  i mean.. i am in heaven at northpark.  okay, probably not literally, but i love looking at the different fabrics, putting the different things together and ahhh, i just love fashion.  i just get excited.  (this can sometimes tend to go on the bad side of things... i have to keep this in check...)

6.  my church-- oh, how i love the body of believers that i worship with.  they have impacted my life in numerous ways.  i am beyond thankful for my church.

7.  my family

8.  much needed sleep-- i know that may sound silly, but i am person who requires lots of sleep and when i get a chance to chill on a weekend... it makes me giddy and want to praise Jesus.

9.  music-- love it.  love it.

10.  singing...

11.  christmas time :)  i think that goes back to family and such.

okay, i am sure there is more, but no need to bore you.  i am going to go eat some dinner, take a bath and go to bed.  pray for me this week please.  although i have just written all of the above... sometimes that does not always correlate well with what i have already fixated my stress on.  i love you guys.

K-I-C-K-E-M, Kick em' Colts Kick Em'.........

Just a bit of an update until I have time for a full-on post.  This was the first week of my official teaching career.  My dream job.... and can I just tell you I literally have my DREAM JOB.  I am working with the kinds of kids I have always wanted to work with.  I have a venue to love on (in an appropriate way!!) these kids and encourage them.  I am just sooo excited!  hehe :)

I will update more later, but I just wanted to tell you that it is going great!  I even decorated my cart!  :)  hehe, I figure if you have to float between hallways you might as well do it in style ;)

okay, i love you all.  i will write more later... i'm a sleepy girl!  Good news though!  It is jeans friday tomorrow!  YES!  Halleluj, halleluj, halleluj, halleluj PRAISE YE THE LORD!

k bye.  :)

mercy comes with the morning..or night ;)

fear is such a crutch.  it is something that either can sneak up on you, or seems to loom over you seemingly debilatating you for a time.  when you give into fear, it becomes a crutch because instead of powering through the fear, you not only stay fearful, but doubt and disbelief begin to sneak in.

i hate change.  really, i do.  or at least i hate the beginning stages of change.  it takes me quite a while to settle into change sometimes... sometimes even a year.  it scares me because it is different.  there is no past to rely on, but instead it is all future and present.  that scares me.  i like to succeed and it scares me that i may fail.  i get scared that this new phase may be something that i will be awful at, and i will fail miserably.  the one key factor in this whole paragraph would be the constant usage of "me" and "i".  could i be anymore self-centered?  oh, i would not put it past me... but i am definitly self-focused lately.  i fear failure.  i fear change.  i fear this new stage in life.  i mean going to school... that was easy.  make your schedule, buy your books and supplies, attend class, study and you are golden.  there doesn't really seem to be a sure-fire formula for my new phase of life though.... other than this- have faith.  believe that the lord is faithful, and that the lord knows better than i do.  that he is soveriegn in his plans, and his love is everlasting.  that i am there to love on those kids and show them jesus.  that although this time in my life is very scary for me, it can be exciting if i choose to see it that way.  i can reep joy out of the situation if i see the lord in it, and love people the way the lord would.  my job is to show christ in my actions, teaching, reactions and service to these kids, as well as teachers.  

i have such a fear of letting people down.  of showing the "real" messed up me... not that people don't already see it.  i want people to see this perfect package.  but keeping up the facade can be exhausting and trying.  i have been shown so many things this week.  it has been a breakthough kind of time in the past 2 weeks.  i had a major cry out to the lord session not too long ago, and since then the lord has been showing himself in ways and times that i have been least expecting.  sometimes i do not know why it surprises me... he is the Lord.  he can do anything he wants.  he has really spoken truth into my life this past week though scripture, music, matt's sermon this past week, and some of my sweet friends.  i am thankful for this time.  for this time of reflection and study.  i feel like i am starting to come back to life, if that makes sense.  i was starting to feel a bit stagnate; the way i have been living has been completely me-centered.  i have chosen to wallow or live in a fear that has begun to cripple me.  this is not what the lord wants for my life.  very clearly the lord has really shown me that he cares about the heart, and how i live out the word for HIS GLORY.  Not Ashley's glory.  

i have asked for wisdom, and he has given it to me in many different forms, and yet i have been double-minded in whether i have wanted to follow what he has willed.  i have been doubtful and have gone from belief and finding and seeing that the Lord is gracious and good, to becoming angry and bitter and what stage of life i find myself in right now.  how ungrateful and idolatrous.  how extremely self-centered for me to be thinking about how I am... when there is a world who does not know him.  

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.  But let him ask in faith, with no doubting,  for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.  For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."

James 1:5-8

i am home right now, houston, and i am sitting outside in the backyard.  there is a gentle breeze blowing; a reassuring comfort of the lord goodness and steadfastness.  it is neither too hot, nor too humid.. which in houston seems to be a bit of a miracle, and the sky is a pretty shade of blue-purple.  the lord shows himself to me constantly through nature.  i am thankful for this time in my life, even though at times i do not always see it as a time to be thankful for.  i would like to apologize to the few that read my blog for how unfaithful i have been in the past month or so.  there have been true, honest posts about how i long to be faithful, but not real change.  i long to change that, and i believe with all my heart that the lord is starting to move me in that direction.  how thankful to him i am for that.  how thankful i am to him for bringing me back to him and comforting me and showing me the very broken, prideful, idolatrous parts of my heart, and allowing the process to begin to start healing.  oh, how i love christ and his ways.  his mercy is sweet and although pain is in the process, how sweet it is when we come out on the other side.  i am thankful for him, for his renewing of my desire for him and for his renown.  i pray he will remain close, and that i will believe that is his plan is truely better instead of fighting and complaining like those in the desert because of the unknown and the uncomfortable. 

 i was made to live for you christ, continue to grow and shape me into your image.  i love you and want to know you more.  may this be my plea for progress.  

Thinking...but just wanted to say Hello.

i really would like to blog, so i am going to have a small post here.  i am wanting to actually blog about something inparticular, but until i get my thoughts totally together, i thought i would just ramble a bit.

i am procrastinating a bit today... what i really need to be doing is organizing my school stuff, getting the calendar ready and spending some much more needed time with jesus.  its funny to me, really not funny, but maybe more interesting that i put such important things off until it is the absolute last minute that i can squeeze it in.  this is something that frustrates me about myself.  i am not always like this, because the truth is is that i like to be planned.  i enjoy having a schedule and it being somewhat regulated.  i love being busy, but i also love the "scheduled" busyness.  it makes my life run smoother when i have a plan.  it also seems when i don't have a plan i am so lazy.  i am lazy in my pursuit of christ and everything that falls inbetween.  i was very convicted of that this morning, and i am still convicted of it as i am writing this.  i am in this reflective mood today... you know the kind of mood where its good to get things done, but you also want to be by yourself so you can think about things while making plans.  so, on that note i'm going to go change out of my gross workout clothes and get ready to go work.

so, all i wanted to say was hi.  i love you all.  i will blog more later, just wanted to say hello.

he forgives...

plans are something that i have come to realize do not always work out.  whether it was a life plan you have had since you were five, or the plan that you made five minutes ago....plans dont always seem to work out just the way we want them.  yes, we can scheme and hope that our heavy-laden plans work out, but when it comes down to it i think that "our" plans dont always seem to be his plans.  reflection while moving on seems to be the name of the game for me these days.  looking at what i know i have been told and moving forward with that word and trying (trying being the key word because i suck at it...) to be believe in what i know i have been told.  i have also begun to decipher between the words know and think or feel.  my heart is such a land mine at times, if triggered or stepped upon in the wrong way, can and will explode in any given moment.  but its not the kind of explosion where it ends up all over the other people around you... it is more of an internal land mine that at any moment can switch off and blow me to pieces for a given moment.  

there is a way for this not to happen... its just finding out what that is.  pressing into the lord i obviously the main ingredient...but with that has to come faith.  has to come belief.  where i do have belief... my heart and my head dont always seem to agree with that notion.  my mind knows what it is right...but my heart is wayward.  i dont even know what i want, yet i act like a little child when i dont have what i think i could possibly want at that point in time.  when somebody says something it triggers me to think and mull over the possiblilites and the thinking behind the statement that has been said to me.  even if it is in a flippant manner i take it in such a way that i take it as what i should be thinking or doing... which is not right.  i take what people say a lot of the times as much as serious as what the lord says... if not, even more honestly, more seriously than what the lord says.  this is sad for me.  it makes me uncomfortable and feel angry at myself for letting that happen.  fear of man is what some people call it... i call it sin.  i am so easily distracted, and satan knows that.  my very core of my heart and soul and mind want to abandon everything for the Lord, yet i get scared in so many sectors of my life without even realizing it.  i let it rule me, instead of trusting and believing that the lord who has brought me to this place, will finish out the work that he has so meticulously started.  i write all this because i know that there are probably people who may go through this similar thing.  we know what is right... we know what we need to do... we know what we have been taught about our Lord, but sometimes we have a hard time believing it.  we are like peter... doubting in the most crucial of times.  the encouraging thing about peter is that Christ still loved him.  Christ loved him and singled him out even when he knew what Peter was going to do to him... deny him, curse him.  although i desire not be compared to peter... at my very core i am peter.  loving christ with all my heart, but at times, when i get scared, i deny his plan.  

this blog is going to be kind of open-ended.  i know God is good... that he is better, and in most areas of my life i have really tried to recklessly abandon so much for his name, yet there are still some areas, i am finding out, i have my fist so tightly clenched around that it is detrimental to my soul.  i know the Lord will work with me to unclench my fist, but oh, how i long for it to happen without bruises, hurts and growing pains.  there is beauty in the journey though... i must remember that.

Consuming fire, fan into flame, a passion for your name.... Lord have your way....

more than that we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope and hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.

hebrews 10:22

God is better.  Love you guys.

some updates :)

1.  first of all.... i was going to post some of my favorite upcoming fall favorites, but somehow it did not work!  booo!  and i do not know how to delete that last post which i accidently posted, so sorry about that for all you onlookers!! :)

2.  i am currently in the process of going through ECAP, my alternative certification program, and i am enjoying it for the most part! ;)  i have made some new friends, so that has been a lot of fun, and one of my favorites from college is in my classes, Lauren, which has been a total blessing and a half!! 

3.  Penelope.  oh, how i love my sweet little pup, but my goodness she was a little cantankerous this weekend to say the least!  can i just tell you she decided it would be good to find my computer cord that goes from my blackberry to my mac and chew it up.  ohhhhh penelope.  then she found one of my sweaters!  Evidently the girl does not know YOU DONT MESS WITH MY CLOTHES.  she went to jail for a few hours... aka her kennel.  (before you report me to PETA, let me just say, she was fine.  it was simply because i was a bit frustrated and i did not want her chewing up some more important items!)  Nevertheless, i love her so.  she is the sweetest thing most of the time and keeps me company in my apartment.

4.  I will be starting work at Arlington High School in two weeks!  TWO WEEKS!  I am getting pretty nervous if we are being honest... but I know that everything will be okay. I am excited about working with the girls, and getting to teach Sophomore level English!  I do, however, have to float this year!  AKA, have to share a classroom with 3 other people.  That is what makes me the most nervous.... i can be organized in a contained space but to have to travel to 3 different spots?  I have to have a cart....the kids will call me cart lady.... haha, oh goodness.  The Lord is trying to teach me patience and constantly checking me about grumbling lately, so may i just state for the record this is not me complaining but merely voicing my concerns.  he he :)  (The Lord is still working on the grumbling!)

5.  About the Lord, HE IS SO GOOD!  How sweet is the Lord.  Man, the Lord has been showing me a lot through his Truth, and I am so thankful for that.  Not that every day has been rosy by any means, but I feel so undeserving to have such an amazing God who chooses to share his Truth with me and allow my heart to feel his presence and for things to connect the way they have been.  He is healing so many parts of my heart and breaking so many other parts to get me to see the junk that is blocking me from realizing and applying his truth!  Now a week ago i might not have seen this as amazing, but the Lord has done a lot in a week!  Praise Jesus for his sweet grace!  

6.  My sweet little cheerleading girls get to be on TV tomorrow!  Woo!  They will be on the show "Nashville Star"! One of the final contestants went to Arlington High School so she is filming a concert there!  The girls are so cute and excited!  So pray for me tomorrow... i am sure many of them will be wanting to show out a little and I will be watching over all our little angels- Freshman, JV and VARSITY!  ha.... I'm sure it will be great, and I know they are excited!  It is an amazing experience for all of them!  

Well that is all I have for today!  Just felt like bloggin ;)  Hope you like my new little playlist on here!  Wooo!  

New Fashion Wants!

Who I Am...

Something I saw on another blog and thought would be fun... plus I wanted to tag a bunch of people because i thought it would be interesting!! Sooo... I tag Lauren Williams, Elise, Rob, Cari, Michelle Sanders, Lauren Barksdale, and Steph Orr! LOve you guys! 

i am:  a contemplator.  a deep thinker.  a reader.  a dreamer.  

i think: i am right most of the time, or until proven wrong. that love should be something that is widely spread.  that lying is something that should not be looked at lightly.   

i know: that jesus is my savior.  that the lord has me right where he wants me.  that i am a bad driver.  that i shouldn't talk on the phone or text when i drive...

i want: to live a meaningful life.  to be an amazing teacher and coach.  to go to africa someday to love on children and adults.  to find my soulmate :)  my laundry to do itself and then fold itself :)

i have: a coffee addiction.  a shopping addiction.  a new puppy.  a love for fashion.  amazing friends that would rock your world.  a desire to go to NEW YORK in Autumn.

i wish:  that i could be content in every stage of life without thinkin about it!  that my favorite latte from the bagel shop could be transported to me at any time i wanted it.  i wasn't such a bad driver.  that i could find a way to share the gospel with everyone i encounter.  everyone could know the love that i have found in my sweet jesus.  i wasn't selfish and unreasonable at times.  

i hate: rudeness.  meanness. when people lie.  when people are malicious.  when people honk.  when things are not organized.  when people don't consider others feelings before themselves. 

i miss: having long hair.  my best friends who have moved.  living close to my parents and brother. living with girls... at times.  ;) being competley financially depedent on my parents.  ha.

i feel: sleepy.  overwhelmed, yet encouraged.  loved.

i crave:  deep meaningful relationships.  getting to know my sweet jesus better.  coffee from iris bagel and coffee shop.  pumpkin spice lattes from starbucks and christmas music  YEAR AROUND!  

i search: for great coffee shops.  amazing chapsticks. new books,  skin remedies.  jeans that make you your bootie look good! :)

i wonder: what the next year will look like.  if i will be a good teacher.  

i regret:  nothing.  (or try not to anyways...)

i love:  my jesus.  my family.  my friends.  my church.  lattes.  my puppy penelope.  a comfy bed.  down comforters.  love.  bubble baths.  hanging out with the people i love.

i care: about people.  how you are doing.  how my family is.

i am not: someone who really likes to cook.  a great driver.  a good mathematician.  

i believe: that everything happens for a reason.  

i dance: around the house.  in the car.  to rap music... to any music.  when no one is looking.

i sing: in the car.  loud in the shower.  everywhere.

I laugh: a lot. at myself.  well, at pretty much anything.  (great odds, if you want someone to laugh at your jokes...find me.  hehe)

i cry: more than i used to.  at sappy love scenes.  more as a i get older.  

i don’t always:  understand.  clean my car as i should.  

i write: to do lists.  in my journal.  in the margins of my bible.  on my blog.  in the books i read.  

i lose:  my keys all the time.  

i never:  am on time.  

i listen: to lots of different kinds of music.  to my friends.  to my family.

i can usually be found: reading.  writing.  planning.  at my favorite coffee shop.

i am scared:  of criminals.  of heights.  of late night news casts.  my friends or family not knowing the Lord.  

i need: love.  hugs.  coffee.  intellectual stimulation.  friends.  family.  jesus.  

i can’t wait: to see what the lord is going to do in my life.  to teach english.  until i go shopping again! ;)  to go to new york someday.  for christmas to get here again.  for it to be ugg weather.  

Little Miss. Unfaithful

there is something in the writing down of my thoughts and feelings that seem to calm my spirit.  I don't know why that is, because much of what I write are ramblings that do not always make sense, but still... something about being able to write it down helps me process.

i am having a hard time with what i feel like the lord is telling me right now.  funny how i can be so thankful for where he has brought me from and still have the audacity to not fully trust him in everything i feel i am hearing from him.  distractions are so easy to have, or rather, i am so easily distracted.  even when i feel the lord is telling me something, and i know in my soul what i am hearing, i can still get thrown off by the voices of outside opinions.  i am the one who asks for the opinions though, and they really are appreciated... but why can't i just take the Lord at his word?  

even when we are faithless, he is still faithful-- for he cannot deny himself.  2 Timothy 2:13.  Although i know this verse, and it has captivated my heart and blows me away every time i read it, i really have a desire to be completely faithful to the Lord.  to understand his will above all others and live it out unapologetically.  the problem with that is, well, me.  i am prideful.  i dont want to get hurt, i want to protect myself.  i mean... i need to right?  WRONG.   if anyone is looking out for my heart, that would be my sweet jesus, and where i know that, it is like i get on this track of wanting to please people and please myself so at times i do things that do not represent or really go along with what the lord is showing me.  (i have learned in recovery that this is called fear of man.  more on that later ;))  

its funny when the lord starts to reveal something to you though... because it seems to keep unraveling every which way you turn.  you start to see his grace and humor in the things around you.  i personally do not believe in coincidences, so i love when the lord does this.  i think it comes in all different forms too... maybe you may think that is silly, but i really believe that the lord can show him through anything that he so chooses.  i desire to seek him, and see that his love is DEEP and ABIDING and will NEVER leave me even if i so choose to leave it.  

I am doing a Beth Moore study called "Jesus the one and only" and today she asked us to describe what Jesus means to us.  What comes to mind when we think about Jesus?  Wow... although I am usually one of many words, it was hard for me express what Jesus was.  Nothing is sufficient... so I wrote Love.  His love, grace, and mercy transcends all things and so much more than our brains can comprehend.  That is another reason i think the lord is so cool... just when i think i am starting to figure out this whole relationship thing out with him, he completely catches me off guard and presents something that i have never seen before.  i love that.  i love that he continues to teach when i am unfaithful.  i love that he still loves me at the end of the day even when i doubt.  i love that he sees when my heart is breaking and comforts me about the same thing that he has to comfort me about for the past year.  i love that he listens to my requests when it comes to, well, anything.  he is so gracious.  

so, you would think at this point i would just be jumping up and down on a couch professing my love for Christ like Tom Cruise did for Katie Holmes on Oprah (i know, weak comparison... that was more for laughs ;)) but yet i still get down about things and make them about me and not about me.  can we say idolatrous, selfish, prideful, ect?  I am notorious for putting myself above the lord when i really am not even trying to.  this is something that i must constantly watch and seek the lord about because trying to find more of myself will not give me more of christ.  wherever more of christ is, that is what i desire.

i need to go to sleep now, thank you for listening, my soul yearns...

Singing a New Song...

Disclaimer:  About to get somewhat personal on this blog... or about as personal as I would get to the blogging world, so if you are not ready for that please do not proceed with reading :)

Yesterday was a year since my engagement was broken off.  I had known that this date was coming and really did not know how I was going to react to the day when it actually got here.  Where i know that seems like such a long time, this past year has been full of ups and downs and really, nothing that I expected.  Even tonight, as I sit here on the new love seat (to me anyways, my parents gave it to me) while my sweet puppy is chewing on her bone with glee, I would not have imagined myself in this position a year ago.... let alone six months ago.  The Lord has brought me to places that I never thought I would be, but within that has come such joy and trust that I did not have in the Lord before.  So, although my heart has been broken, the Lord is repairing it.  He has continued to woo me and romance me in the wonderful relationship that we have today.  He has allowed me to see his grace is so many avenues, avenues that I would have never thought would have opened up.  And although I am not in the place that I thought I would be as a 22 year-old, I am grateful.  I am grateful that his plans are far better than I could have planned for.  I am thankful for the hope that he has that perfect mate for me out there somewhere.  That He has something far better than I could possibly imagine, and that He has allowed me to mature through Him in this past year.  I am happy that I am different from who I was.  I am happy that maturity has happened through the pain... and this joy that can only be found in the Lord has really bombarded my life.  I am thankful that when I hear a love song, the Lord allows me to hear about his sweet grace, that my love story is being written by my Savior... and it is with Him.  :)  

Now, where I would like to say that I am 1o0% healed of my broken-heartedness, I would be lying... however, where I am from where I was is something only of the Lord.  And I am working on really trying wholeheartedly giving everything over to Him and dying to myself daily to see his full glory at work in my life.  I am soo thankful that he is patient with me and still wants me to be His even after he has seen me at my absolute worse.  I have had every emotion under the sun this past year with everything that has went on... from guilt to anger to devastation to doubt, yet he has hung with me.  He has reassured me of his love.  He has showed me there is nothing under the sun that is better or more fulfilling than a relationship with him.  How precious these hard times have been... how precious is it to have a Savior that truly listens and shares in your hurts with you.  A Savior who loves your through the doubt and anger and who knew even before you were born what would be in my life.  How Sweet it is to be loved by you, Sweet Jesus.  

I am learning a lot about the Lords love right now... his grace, and most of all, how the Lord is not legalistic with his love, grace, or goodness.  The more I learn, the more I want to know... the more I see his grace in mine, and my sweet friends lives, the more convinced I am of his promise and his right to the trust that he asks of us.  This year has been a year of trust, which at many times I was terrible at.  Constantly asking the Lord is he is sure?  If he really thinks this is the right thing for my life... maybe I heard wrong.  Maybe I am just being silly, or inconsiderate, or selfish.... which I am MANY of those things MUCH of the time... but the Lord has had such patient reassurance in what He has told me.  He is showing me a lot about Trust, and how different His Trust is from what we could possibly know as Human beings.  He is not a God who disappoints but a God who knows what is best for us... through grief, anger, hurt, good times, bad times... he longs to be with us.... to share in our sufferings, to give us joy even though we have done NOTHING to deserve it.  This has been another big thing for me this year... the undeserving grace that he so lavishly pours onto us.  That is a hard concept, and I think it is something for someone who can be as judgmental as I am to accept.  I more tend to lean on the legalistic side, so the teaching of this concept has been a hard thing to learn, and I believe He is still not done teaching me... but He has shown me a lot in this area as well and I am thankful.  

So, in a way, this is a huge milestone for me.  A realization of sorts that although has been a year in the making, today, has hit me over the head with such force that it is hard to deny.  

Thank you sweet Jesus for this year of hardship and learning and grace and goodness.  You are good and far better than I can possibly comprehend.

Thank you sweet friends for listening this year, for sitting with me while I have cried and allowed me to sob in disbelief of where the Lord was taking me.  For listening to me gripe, rejoice and everything in between.  Thank you to my girls from church, for allowing me to feel like a family... for seeing Christ's beauty and grace in my hurting and helping me to see His grace and hand in all of it.   I have developed some amazing friendships this past year, and where I know it is normal to do this when it is new years, I felt today was the day for this post.

You know how some things just stir your affections for the Lord?  One of the things that stirs my affections for the Lord is music.  Everything about it, the melodies, the lyrics the voice that carries the tune...oh, I just love it!  One song in particular today has really made me think and rejoice, so below I have put the lyrics.  I hope you can enjoy it as much as I have today!

Arithmetic by Brooke Fraser

I've been staring at the sky tonight, marveling in passing time.  wondering what to do with daylight until I can make you mine.  You are the one I want, you are the one I want.

I've been thinking of changing my mind, it never stays the same for long, but of all the things that I know for sure you are the only certain one.  you are the one I want, you are the one I want.  I've been counting up all my wrongs, one sorry for each stop, see id apologize my way to you if the heavens stretched that far.  because you are the one i want, you are the one i want.  

i wont find what i am looking for if i see by keeping score because i know now you are so much more than arithmetic. because if i add, if i subtract, if i give it all and start to take some back i have forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact that you are the son.  so you are the one i want.  when the years are showing on my face and my strongest days are gone and when my heart and flesh depart this place from a life that has sung your song.  you'll still the be one i want, you'll still be the one i want.... you'll still be the one I want!  

Update on Life in Pictures!

My best friends and loves: Elise and Robin!
My other best friend, Ryan!  
Another one of my loves, Audrey!  She is my cousins little girl, and is the CUTEST thing ever!
My new puppy, Penelope, who keeps me company in my new apartment!
Cheer Camp 2008!  Freshman won the Spirit Stick!  WOOO HOOO!
We won some ribbons!  Way to go girls!
They crack me up... I love them!
End of Day 2....tired.
Haley hurt her ankle tumbling, so we documented the event!  Love her!
Me and the other cheer sponsors!
Some of my girls...
Some more....
And more.... ;)
Bjer came for a visit!  I LOVE HIM!  He loves me too...can you tell! he he :)
more to come....didn't want to overwhelm you though! 

Been gone Awhile...

But, im still here.  I know it has been awhile.  I don't know what it has been, I mean I have been super busy with school ending, and going to cheer camp (pictures to come) but all in all, I have just had a lot on my heart and mind that I really did not know if I wanted to post or not.  

Here are the latest updates, and I will post some pics soon, as well as probably my usual more serious type of post. ;)  

1.  I survived Cheer camp.  There were a few mishaps, but hey! what is any camp without a girl trying to sneak out, or a bus running into another bus!?  Don't worry... I will dedicate a whole post to cheer camp.  bahaha.

2.  I am really excited about teaching at Arlington.  I have a lot of reading to do, but, I am soo excited about the curriculum as well as the teachers i am working with!

3.  I move into my very own apartment next weekend.  Scary and Cool at the very same time.  I am becoming an adult!  ;)

4.  I got a puppy!  I adopted her...her name is Penelope.  She is a King Charles Spaniel, and is ohhh so cute!! She looks like Lady, from Lady and the Tramp!  Sooooo Sweet!  She just lovess to lay with you and chew on bones!  she is 9 months old, and I already love her!

5.  The Lord is showing me a lot.  He never ceases to amaze me.  He is showing me a lot about love and contentment in Him.  I don't know if I am fully there (in a sense, I wonder if we will ever be FULLY there until we die...) but I really believe I am seeing what contentment in Him and Him alone looks like.  It is showing up in my descions, as well as patience.  If you are reading this and are very close to me, and haven't seen a change in my patience....well, at least I am trying to work on it!  I think there is a change...but who knows!

6.  I will have the rest of my alternative certification the rest of July, sooo July is going to busy!  

Well, that is about it with the updates.  Love you all, pictures to come.  

Roots

You know, so often I think that we get away from the fact that the Lord has put us here for HIS GLORY and HIS RENOWN, not our own.  I mean, this could possibly be just me, and that is just fine, but I am thinking that this may be something that all of us, as believers, deal with from time to time.  (I tend to deal with this more times than not!)  The Lord is so gracious to point this out to me though.  

This week has been a toughie for me...not sure why, other than I was not daily confessing where I was and, yet again, NOT TRUSTING the Lord with my present, past and future.  When I am not in a constant confession with the Lord, I am also usually not being obedient to where the Lord wants me.  I fight within myself to be this perfect little person and have everything right, before I feel like I can bring it before him.  This is some mixed up thinking that I have.... if you are reading this and you are not a believer, I would like to note that I this confession thing is not something to be looked at as a legalistic practice.  But, something that I am grateful for, because through mistakes and other sin issues that the Lord shows me, he allows his grace to cover.  For me, it is easy for me to begin the thinking of I have to do everything perfect before I can bring it before the Lord.  This is such wrong thinking.....and something I have been dealing with this week.  I have been processing a lot this week, which I do think is also from the Lord...but I still was not obedient this week in the way I was doing things.  I was looking to myself instead of the Lord and doing things to convey to myself that I was perhaps "in control" of my surrounding as well as everything that might happen in the future.  

Here lately the Lord has really been bringing me back to the passage in Jeremiah about being planted by the water....

"Thus says the Lord: Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes his flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord.  He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not seen any good to come.  He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land.  Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose TRUST IS THE LORD.  He like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.  The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick, who can understand it?"

Jeremiah 17:5-9

So, this may seem really silly, but I have been kind of in awe of trees lately.  I know...this may sound crazy; but hear me out.  Look at the biggest trees you can find.  They are strong, but not immune to decay.  They are usually thick in the trunk and a beautiful shade of green at the top when healthy.  When unhealthy, there can be branches that are dead, lifeless.  They must be cut off from the tree, because they are of no use.  I just think that this illustration in the Bible is a good way to look at our lives.  Are our roots founded in the land, or for us the Word of Life, and are we planted by the water?  What kind of tree would we look like, when we compare ourselves to the passage above?  

Another passage that I was actually looking at this morning, and was pointed to through my step-study at church was Hebrews 12:5-17:

"And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?  My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him.  For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son who whom he receives.  It is for discipline that you have to endure.  GOD IS TREATING YOU AS SONS.  For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?  If you are left without discipline in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and sons.  Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them.  Shall we not much more be subject to the Father or Spirits and live?  For they disciplines us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness.  For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.  Therefore, lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put to out of joint but rather be healed.  Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.  See to it that one one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no "root of bitterness" springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal.  For you know that afterward, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears."

So many times I think we look at discipline with a negative connotation, instead of looking at it as something will refine us and something that is done out of love.  I am challenged, encouraged and uplifted by this passage, because it makes me look at discipline in a way that I do not always think about it....

Just some things the Lord is really making me think on, and I wanted to share ;)  I love you all....

I GOT THE JOB!!!!

 I am now an Arlington Colt!! WOOO HOOO!! I will be teaching English II (Sophomore Level) and I will be the Freshman Cheer Sponsor!! Hootie, Hootie, Hoo!! I AM SOOO EXCITED!! 

Thank you all for praying so much!! I cannot think of anything more perfect!  I am pumped about what the Lord is about to do and is doing!! Praise the Lord for his grace, provision and letting me plan a little bit ;)  YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! he he :)

Love you guys SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!

Prayer Please... :)

I know I said I would post pictures next time... and I PROMISE to next time, but I have a favor to ask ;) Will you please be praying for me today, especially around the time of 3:30? I have an interview with Arlington High School to be one of the English teachers and the Freshman Cheerleading Sponsor. Not only would this be an amazing school to teach at...it has a lot of tradition and support for teachers as well as students, BUT I would get to pour into young girls!! Plus...let's just be honest.... I LOVE to be peppy, so it would just be perfect!!! :)

So, if you see this, please pray for me at 3:30 pm today. Pray that I answer the questions in the way that really shows that I have knowledge of what I am speaking of, as well as the fact that I am passionate about teaching and learning!! :)

Love you all!! THANK YOU!

The heaviness of the heart...

One thing that I seem to be running into a lot is the constant ups and downs of my emotions.  

DON'T WORRY!!! I have not become some freako (freako, did I just make up a word? I think I did...ha) in the past 24 hours... or crazier than I already was for that matter, but let me explain.  The Lord is doing so much in my life right now.  Even in the past couple of weeks he has been crazy gracious, the word I used to describe him this morning in my small group, to me with things I don't deserve.  The whole lonliness part of everything seems to still be creeping in though.  This frustrates me....but I also can see that this is probably going to part of the whole "everyone is graduating, moving on and moving away" phase of my life.  I have kind of sat still in a sense when it comes to me graduating.  I graduated a semester early from many of my friends, and I am glad I did this, but I have drug my feet when it has come to getting involved or getting out of the whole DBU scene.  I don't know to really explain what I am feeling... I feel a lot of my emotions (the sadness that comes on out of nowhere) has a lot to do with the fact that I only half way faced graduation.  Yes, I graduated, but my friends were still just down the road.  I was still going to my homegroup at the school...now, my friends are graduating and about to move on.  I will soon find out where my job is going to be and move on as well.  I have this bad tendency to want to hold on to the past.  I want to relive all the good things over and over again, but by doing this I hinder the present as well as the future.  Where this can be good, in the way of memories, it is bad when it starts to hinder you from doing what you need to be doing in the moment ya know?  I don't know guys...I think I just have a lot on my mind at the moment and this is one of those things.  This is something that I am still working out in mind as well as my heart, so thank you for listening to my thinking aloud.  I am sure I will come back to it at some point! :)

Today was the last meeting of my small group for my step-step study.  It is bittersweet.  I have grown to love these girls so much, and their encouragement has been soooo appreciated and needed in my life.  We are still going to meet at least once a month, which I am BEYOND excited about!  There is so much I have learned from going through the Recovery Process at The Village, and I hope to still be involved and really apply these principles as well as really try to keep my hands open so that the Lord can constantly break down my walls of pride and idolatry so that I may keep seeing this growth that I am seeing right now.  As I have gone through this process there has been sooo much that the Lord has brought me out of, and is still continuing to break down in me and use for his glory.  I have seen soo much of his grace and kindness towards me.  I have also seen that he is just and forgiving.  There are three main words that I have been focusing on as I have been going through this process.

My three main words that I am focussing on here lately, that seem to be the montra for my life are: Trust, Steadfast and Faith.

Trust-a firm belief or confidence in the honesty, integrity, reliability, justice, ect. of another person or thing; faith; confident expectation, anticipation, or hope (to have trust in the future); keeping, care, custody; something entrusted to one....

This is from Websters Dictionary... a couple of many definitions. Trust is my main word I am focussing on right now. The Lord is trustworthy ya know... so why do I not trust him all of time? I like where the definition says... something entrusted to one... or in our case ONE!

Steadfast- firm, fixed, settled or established; not changing, fickle, or wavering, constant.

Not only do I want to stay steadfast with my recovery (step study I am doing with the church and implementing these practices into my life), I also want to stay steadfast with my descions and knowledge/discernment that the Lord has given me, as well as just know that the Lord is steadfast ya know.

Faith- unquestioning belief that does not require proof or evidence; COMPLETE confidence, trust, or reliance.

That is pretty much self-explanatory.

All this to say that my heart is heavy today, but in a good way.  When I think of heaviness many times I think of it in a negative way, but I think heaviness can also be a good thing.  It is a sign we are processing things in our hearts and that the Lord is doing a work.... or that is what I believe.  I am so thankful for my recovery process and will probably eventually post my testimony on here.  But, until then, I just want to speak from the overflow of my heart that he is gracious, loving, kind and is way more generous than he should probably be.  I long to be thankful in this stage of my life that I am currently in, and will continue to strive towards that goal.

I love you guys, Thanks for listening!!

AND DONT WORRY, i know you are probably getting tired of my wordiness, so the next post will be PICTURES!  WOOO!  I LOVE YOU GUYS!

true love's kiss....

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball and you just gotta rollllll with it..... or so i have heard. my curve ball has actually been a result of choices and decisions I have made, so I do not really know if that is considered a curve ball. what do you think?

The Lord's graciousness has really overwhelmed me the past few days. you think since he is such a great God, it would overwhelm me constantly, huh?! unfortunately i am constantly looking at myself, and what all is going on with me, instead of looking to him and serving him and serving others. its a ridiculous cycle. but, i am thankful that the lord has started showing me soo much and is allowing me to see my sinful self, and allowing me to see his grace and mercy in it. soooo thankful for that. the past few days i have just wanted to grab a cup of coffee with someone and just talk about my Jesus. talk about what he is doing, what he has done, hear what he is doing in the other person's life. i really think this is something that stirs my affections for him. you know as crazy as it would sound to talk about this man to someone who may know nothing about Him, know nothing about his grace, who may think i am just some crazy religious texas person (you know the ppl that i am talking about)... I just long to converse about the Lord. how good he is, how gracious...ect. i don't know, i just am having this overflowing of my heart and just want to talk about Him ya know.

I am realizing a lot about myself. I am involved in this step-study, which is part of the recovery process at my church. it has been amazing, and so, so eye-opening. i have gotten to see my sin issues, and just start to deal with them. it has not always been fun, but it has been good. ya know what i mean? (for the one person that reads this...hehe, ya know?!?) Sometimes when I am in the mood, its just best for me to blog it out. Plus, if you get tired of listening, you can just stop reading ya know ;) I think blogging is therapeutic...but I digress.... things the Lord is showing me, teaching me, or I am just realizing as a result of many things...

1. I am extremely selfish. WAY TOO selfish. I care what I want, and I have been in my own little world that has wanted what ashley wants right now, and if I dont get it I pout. It is time for this to change. I don't know how that is going to look, but the Lord is showing me that it needs to change.
2. I worry too much. Really, we shouldn't worry at all. But I do. This is also something that I am trying to give over to the Lord, but it is still a process.
3. I am a hopeless romantic and I can't help it. The past few months I have tried to stay away from the sappy love movies... shoot, I haven't watched the notebook in A LONG time... but nevertheless, I am a hopeless romantic. I love everything about love. I want to be cute with the man of my dreams. But that is just it... the man of my dreams, not just some guy that I settle for. I am trying to work this out in my head as well. What is the happy medium between loving romance, wanting it, yet not making it an idol in your life? Something I am working through. Plus... lets just face it, im the girl that says awwwwwww to everything. haha, but seriously. i really think that i had placed marriage in my life as an idol, so sorting through this whole "i love romance, i can't wait thing..." vs. really, am i kidding, can i wait. trying to figure out what is the healthy part of desiring love and companionship, and then trying to decipher what isn't healthy. that is something i am sorting out right now....
In the mean time however, can i just say i have been watching some sappy love movies, and oh how i have missed them.
4. Can i just tell you that as much as i want to plan my future, and although i do not know what is going to happen in the next year, or where i am going to be.... i have a peace. this is huge for me. its a new found peace, a peace that the lord is showing me i can have when i rest in him. (or for me, try as hard as i can to rest in him.... i will get there.)
5. I love you guys sooo much, thank you for being apart of my life... bc I have a feeling if you read this to the very end, you love me a whole lot and mean a whole lot to me :)

Till later my sweet friends,

Closure

Closure is a word that I have started to become very acquainted with in the past few weeks. Closure is a good thing, and I know this, and I know head-wise/knowledge wise it is the right thing...telling my heart the same thing is a different story however. I think, or rather, I know that I have a hard time letting things go. I really do...those closest to me know this fact and love me through it.... however, its time to let go. Way past time probably.

This afternoon I decided to take a sabbatical if you will, and I drove home. (Parents house- Houston) I need a little daddy and mom time. My dad has this amazing knack to just tell me exactly what I need to hear, not necessarily what I want to hear, and just everything always seems to click when we talk. They know me, and shoot me straight. My plan during the day tomorrow is sleep in, read, journal and pray. I love coming here to get away. It is so pretty in their neighborhood, my parents have a puppy (hehe, love him!), and just how much one-on-two time I get with my parentals. :)

New Things, Happenings, Nice Little Anecdotes....

1. Today I accepted a full-time sub position at MHS. I will teaching History, I know not what I'm certified in... but either way, good classroom management practice :)
2. Still praying about and applying to LOTS of schools for an English Position for the upcoming year. Please keep praying that one comes along... The Lord is good! Something will come up, I just don't know when... that is where my patience is being tested. I suck at being patient.
3. I went through my Inventory with my sponsor and love, Lauren, and it was a hard process, but I feel like sooo much is being revealed about me and just areas of sin in my life that need to be turned around. Our God is sooo gracious.
4. American Idol is one of my new favorite shows.... LOVE IT! I giggle every time little David
Archelta comes on... i want to put him in my pocket.
5. Even though I have graduated I think I am in a little bit of denial about all the rest of my friends graduating. I'm scared all my friends are going to move away, which might actually happen. Working on that as well....
6. One of my friends asked me what my summer plans were today, and that was when I realized.... I have no summer plans. A little scary and makes me want to get out my planner....eek.
7. The Lord is good, I am so thankful that the Lord is gracious enough to be refining me.

And now... a story to leave you. This was a story my mom told me today when I got home...

Mom: Ashie, guess what mommy did.
Ash: What, mom?
Mom: So me and daddy were at a BBQ cookoff, and there were people walking around asking us to try Wild Game. Of course, daddy was trying everything, so I thought I would too. First they asked if I wanted to try dove. So I tried it. Then they came around and offered me whale. I was like no.... I don't want any whale, thank you. Then your daddy said, "Baby, try it, I bet you will like it." So, I did. Of course, all I could think about was the fact that I was eating Whale so I put it down after I took a bite.
Ash: Mom, Whale? (I am notorious for ruining stories before they get through...)
Mom: Let me finish Ashie, when we got in the car I said to daddy, "Bobby, aren't you proud of me... I have had an eventful day. I tried dove AND whale!"
Dad: Sheri, Whale? It wasn't Whale, IT WAS QUAIL!!
Ash: oh, mom.....

bahahahaha. So if you ever wonder why I may be a little ditsy... exhibit A, Sheri Keplinger.