Yesterday was a year since my engagement was broken off. I had known that this date was coming and really did not know how I was going to react to the day when it actually got here. Where i know that seems like such a long time, this past year has been full of ups and downs and really, nothing that I expected. Even tonight, as I sit here on the new love seat (to me anyways, my parents gave it to me) while my sweet puppy is chewing on her bone with glee, I would not have imagined myself in this position a year ago.... let alone six months ago. The Lord has brought me to places that I never thought I would be, but within that has come such joy and trust that I did not have in the Lord before. So, although my heart has been broken, the Lord is repairing it. He has continued to woo me and romance me in the wonderful relationship that we have today. He has allowed me to see his grace is so many avenues, avenues that I would have never thought would have opened up. And although I am not in the place that I thought I would be as a 22 year-old, I am grateful. I am grateful that his plans are far better than I could have planned for. I am thankful for the hope that he has that perfect mate for me out there somewhere. That He has something far better than I could possibly imagine, and that He has allowed me to mature through Him in this past year. I am happy that I am different from who I was. I am happy that maturity has happened through the pain... and this joy that can only be found in the Lord has really bombarded my life. I am thankful that when I hear a love song, the Lord allows me to hear about his sweet grace, that my love story is being written by my Savior... and it is with Him. :)
Now, where I would like to say that I am 1o0% healed of my broken-heartedness, I would be lying... however, where I am from where I was is something only of the Lord. And I am working on really trying wholeheartedly giving everything over to Him and dying to myself daily to see his full glory at work in my life. I am soo thankful that he is patient with me and still wants me to be His even after he has seen me at my absolute worse. I have had every emotion under the sun this past year with everything that has went on... from guilt to anger to devastation to doubt, yet he has hung with me. He has reassured me of his love. He has showed me there is nothing under the sun that is better or more fulfilling than a relationship with him. How precious these hard times have been... how precious is it to have a Savior that truly listens and shares in your hurts with you. A Savior who loves your through the doubt and anger and who knew even before you were born what would be in my life. How Sweet it is to be loved by you, Sweet Jesus.
I am learning a lot about the Lords love right now... his grace, and most of all, how the Lord is not legalistic with his love, grace, or goodness. The more I learn, the more I want to know... the more I see his grace in mine, and my sweet friends lives, the more convinced I am of his promise and his right to the trust that he asks of us. This year has been a year of trust, which at many times I was terrible at. Constantly asking the Lord is he is sure? If he really thinks this is the right thing for my life... maybe I heard wrong. Maybe I am just being silly, or inconsiderate, or selfish.... which I am MANY of those things MUCH of the time... but the Lord has had such patient reassurance in what He has told me. He is showing me a lot about Trust, and how different His Trust is from what we could possibly know as Human beings. He is not a God who disappoints but a God who knows what is best for us... through grief, anger, hurt, good times, bad times... he longs to be with us.... to share in our sufferings, to give us joy even though we have done NOTHING to deserve it. This has been another big thing for me this year... the undeserving grace that he so lavishly pours onto us. That is a hard concept, and I think it is something for someone who can be as judgmental as I am to accept. I more tend to lean on the legalistic side, so the teaching of this concept has been a hard thing to learn, and I believe He is still not done teaching me... but He has shown me a lot in this area as well and I am thankful.
So, in a way, this is a huge milestone for me. A realization of sorts that although has been a year in the making, today, has hit me over the head with such force that it is hard to deny.
Thank you sweet Jesus for this year of hardship and learning and grace and goodness. You are good and far better than I can possibly comprehend.
Thank you sweet friends for listening this year, for sitting with me while I have cried and allowed me to sob in disbelief of where the Lord was taking me. For listening to me gripe, rejoice and everything in between. Thank you to my girls from church, for allowing me to feel like a family... for seeing Christ's beauty and grace in my hurting and helping me to see His grace and hand in all of it. I have developed some amazing friendships this past year, and where I know it is normal to do this when it is new years, I felt today was the day for this post.
You know how some things just stir your affections for the Lord? One of the things that stirs my affections for the Lord is music. Everything about it, the melodies, the lyrics the voice that carries the tune...oh, I just love it! One song in particular today has really made me think and rejoice, so below I have put the lyrics. I hope you can enjoy it as much as I have today!
Arithmetic by Brooke Fraser
I've been staring at the sky tonight, marveling in passing time. wondering what to do with daylight until I can make you mine. You are the one I want, you are the one I want.
I've been thinking of changing my mind, it never stays the same for long, but of all the things that I know for sure you are the only certain one. you are the one I want, you are the one I want. I've been counting up all my wrongs, one sorry for each stop, see id apologize my way to you if the heavens stretched that far. because you are the one i want, you are the one i want.
i wont find what i am looking for if i see by keeping score because i know now you are so much more than arithmetic. because if i add, if i subtract, if i give it all and start to take some back i have forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact that you are the son. so you are the one i want. when the years are showing on my face and my strongest days are gone and when my heart and flesh depart this place from a life that has sung your song. you'll still the be one i want, you'll still be the one i want.... you'll still be the one I want!
1 comment:
Truly amazing! You are so young to have such a grasp on God's love and grace. I love reading about your relationship with God, it warms my heart.
It's interesting to me that God is able to better teach us when we are going through difficult times. Not because He changes His ways but because we are more open to Him when we are hurting.
Now that you have done so much growing in the Lord and have come to a better understanding of Him and you realize that no one could possibly love you the way God does...it makes it a little easier to wait on the man God has in store for you instead of settling for someone you "wish" was the one. I'm sure God will bless you with a man who will be the spiritual leader in your home. From experience, there is nothing more attractive than a man who is on fire for the Lord and who leads the way for you both! I'm praying that God will bless you with a man who is more wonderful than you could ever imagine.
From what I have read on your blog (and in my opinion) there aren't going to be many men out there who are good enough for you. This old lady's advice, keep your heart and mind open to God and He will surprise you....for instance, the man I saw as one of my best friends twenty two years ago is now my husband. You just never know what God has planned!
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