The heaviness of the heart...

One thing that I seem to be running into a lot is the constant ups and downs of my emotions.  

DON'T WORRY!!! I have not become some freako (freako, did I just make up a word? I think I did...ha) in the past 24 hours... or crazier than I already was for that matter, but let me explain.  The Lord is doing so much in my life right now.  Even in the past couple of weeks he has been crazy gracious, the word I used to describe him this morning in my small group, to me with things I don't deserve.  The whole lonliness part of everything seems to still be creeping in though.  This frustrates me....but I also can see that this is probably going to part of the whole "everyone is graduating, moving on and moving away" phase of my life.  I have kind of sat still in a sense when it comes to me graduating.  I graduated a semester early from many of my friends, and I am glad I did this, but I have drug my feet when it has come to getting involved or getting out of the whole DBU scene.  I don't know to really explain what I am feeling... I feel a lot of my emotions (the sadness that comes on out of nowhere) has a lot to do with the fact that I only half way faced graduation.  Yes, I graduated, but my friends were still just down the road.  I was still going to my homegroup at the school...now, my friends are graduating and about to move on.  I will soon find out where my job is going to be and move on as well.  I have this bad tendency to want to hold on to the past.  I want to relive all the good things over and over again, but by doing this I hinder the present as well as the future.  Where this can be good, in the way of memories, it is bad when it starts to hinder you from doing what you need to be doing in the moment ya know?  I don't know guys...I think I just have a lot on my mind at the moment and this is one of those things.  This is something that I am still working out in mind as well as my heart, so thank you for listening to my thinking aloud.  I am sure I will come back to it at some point! :)

Today was the last meeting of my small group for my step-step study.  It is bittersweet.  I have grown to love these girls so much, and their encouragement has been soooo appreciated and needed in my life.  We are still going to meet at least once a month, which I am BEYOND excited about!  There is so much I have learned from going through the Recovery Process at The Village, and I hope to still be involved and really apply these principles as well as really try to keep my hands open so that the Lord can constantly break down my walls of pride and idolatry so that I may keep seeing this growth that I am seeing right now.  As I have gone through this process there has been sooo much that the Lord has brought me out of, and is still continuing to break down in me and use for his glory.  I have seen soo much of his grace and kindness towards me.  I have also seen that he is just and forgiving.  There are three main words that I have been focusing on as I have been going through this process.

My three main words that I am focussing on here lately, that seem to be the montra for my life are: Trust, Steadfast and Faith.

Trust-a firm belief or confidence in the honesty, integrity, reliability, justice, ect. of another person or thing; faith; confident expectation, anticipation, or hope (to have trust in the future); keeping, care, custody; something entrusted to one....

This is from Websters Dictionary... a couple of many definitions. Trust is my main word I am focussing on right now. The Lord is trustworthy ya know... so why do I not trust him all of time? I like where the definition says... something entrusted to one... or in our case ONE!

Steadfast- firm, fixed, settled or established; not changing, fickle, or wavering, constant.

Not only do I want to stay steadfast with my recovery (step study I am doing with the church and implementing these practices into my life), I also want to stay steadfast with my descions and knowledge/discernment that the Lord has given me, as well as just know that the Lord is steadfast ya know.

Faith- unquestioning belief that does not require proof or evidence; COMPLETE confidence, trust, or reliance.

That is pretty much self-explanatory.

All this to say that my heart is heavy today, but in a good way.  When I think of heaviness many times I think of it in a negative way, but I think heaviness can also be a good thing.  It is a sign we are processing things in our hearts and that the Lord is doing a work.... or that is what I believe.  I am so thankful for my recovery process and will probably eventually post my testimony on here.  But, until then, I just want to speak from the overflow of my heart that he is gracious, loving, kind and is way more generous than he should probably be.  I long to be thankful in this stage of my life that I am currently in, and will continue to strive towards that goal.

I love you guys, Thanks for listening!!

AND DONT WORRY, i know you are probably getting tired of my wordiness, so the next post will be PICTURES!  WOOO!  I LOVE YOU GUYS!