faithless

My life has now become something that I find comfort in.  I have become comfortable within the change of newness that has come since college.  About 6 months ago I was singing a different kind of song... the kind of song in which the singer was very uncomfortable with the changes and did not really know how to feel about them.  Now I find myself in a different place.  A place I have become comfortable with, but know is only a temporary "comfort".  You see I have now finally have a regularity to my schedule, I somewhat have a plan.  My schedule does not really change, and in this I have become comfortable.  Wake up, let the dog out, take a shower, get ready, leave in a rush out the door usually while spilling coffee on myself, get to school just early enough to get myself together, pour into kids all day (or at least try to..) and teach my little heart out (again try to), bell rings- ash takes a breather, cheer practice, then home, dog, dinner, read/journal/get a reality check with jesus, go to bed.  This has become my schedule.  A schedule I was unsure of at the beginning of this new journey, if you will, but nevertheless, here I am; pretty comfortable.  

enter anything new.  and i mean anything... something that throws a wrench in my week, for the good or the bad, and i am bent out of shape.  questioning everything; panicked.  I want normalcy i scream inside... normalcy is all i want.  

normalcy?

see, this is where satan gets me.  just when i think i am finding my hope, love, joy in jesus, satan  and my own sinful desires, wishes and pride come up and completely blindside me creating this great fear in my heart.  "you are not ready...", "you are not okay...", "you are not there yet...", " you are not worth it...", "how could you think that something good can happen"...

I realize i am being very candid in this, so if that makes you uncomfortable I am very sorry.  my good friend on sunday said something to me that i have heard a million times before but really has stuck in my head, and very honestly i feel like this is the message that jesus is trying to get across to me.  "look to truth".  finding the truth is not necessarily ever that hard for me... it is the believing it part and clinging on to it part that sometimes gets me.  i never have a problem with the truth of how great and gracious our lord is.  i never have an issue with the fact that he is the risen son of God, and he is sovereign and everlasting.  you see, my hardship comes in the package of god will never accept me... god will never love me for the things i think or the things i do because he can see my heart.  this is a lie that is whispered to me on a daily basis.  i am not good enough.  and instead of saying, praise god, you are right, i am not good enough... i choose to get downcast and look for other ways to fill my soul to make myself feel better.  this is when the surrounding myself with truth would really help.  how amazing would it be to combat those thoughts with the beautiful truth of the lord.  although i have grown up knowing that the lord loves me unconditionally, no matter what i have done, for some reason i have a hard time believing that.  i live in this little word where it is never okay to do something wrong.  i have created this world in my life, and i have become the center of it.  this prideful world that i live in can crumble at any second when things do not go well.  this is not the case at all times, but i find myself going back to this at times lately.  and sometimes when this happens, i default and run to things that used to make me feel good for the moment.  this frustrates me and upsets me to no end.  it makes me uncomfortable, mad, and oh so frustrated with myself.  

you see even when i am feeling this way, the lord is still so near.  he is still so sweet.  he still always comes through to whisper, beloved i love you.  no matter what you think, or no matter what you feel in this moment, i love you more than you could possibly see or know.  he does not flaunt the fact that i don't deserve his love, but lavishes it on me.  and even after these sweet moments, i still go back to this anxiousness i so "comfortably" possess.  how sad.  

the lord is sweet though.  he is good, and i know even when i feel like i am not worth anything, he still picks me up and loves on me.  he still showers me with his grace and goodness and shows me, whether in that moment, or in a rare moment that i long to have far more often than naught, that he DOES love me.  whether i choose to believe it in that moment is up to me... but he loves me.  the truth is he loves me.  he loves the chattery, can't make up her mind, constantly finding something to worry about, dorky, extremely selfish, and way more serious at times than she needs to be Ashley.  i am thankful to our sweet lord for this, and i pray he continues to give me nuggets of truth.  i love him.  

Beloved, 

If we are faithless, he still remains faithful for he cannot deny himself.

2 Timothy 2:13

thanks for listening...