plans are something that i have come to realize do not always work out. whether it was a life plan you have had since you were five, or the plan that you made five minutes ago....plans dont always seem to work out just the way we want them. yes, we can scheme and hope that our heavy-laden plans work out, but when it comes down to it i think that "our" plans dont always seem to be his plans. reflection while moving on seems to be the name of the game for me these days. looking at what i know i have been told and moving forward with that word and trying (trying being the key word because i suck at it...) to be believe in what i know i have been told. i have also begun to decipher between the words know and think or feel. my heart is such a land mine at times, if triggered or stepped upon in the wrong way, can and will explode in any given moment. but its not the kind of explosion where it ends up all over the other people around you... it is more of an internal land mine that at any moment can switch off and blow me to pieces for a given moment.
there is a way for this not to happen... its just finding out what that is. pressing into the lord i obviously the main ingredient...but with that has to come faith. has to come belief. where i do have belief... my heart and my head dont always seem to agree with that notion. my mind knows what it is right...but my heart is wayward. i dont even know what i want, yet i act like a little child when i dont have what i think i could possibly want at that point in time. when somebody says something it triggers me to think and mull over the possiblilites and the thinking behind the statement that has been said to me. even if it is in a flippant manner i take it in such a way that i take it as what i should be thinking or doing... which is not right. i take what people say a lot of the times as much as serious as what the lord says... if not, even more honestly, more seriously than what the lord says. this is sad for me. it makes me uncomfortable and feel angry at myself for letting that happen. fear of man is what some people call it... i call it sin. i am so easily distracted, and satan knows that. my very core of my heart and soul and mind want to abandon everything for the Lord, yet i get scared in so many sectors of my life without even realizing it. i let it rule me, instead of trusting and believing that the lord who has brought me to this place, will finish out the work that he has so meticulously started. i write all this because i know that there are probably people who may go through this similar thing. we know what is right... we know what we need to do... we know what we have been taught about our Lord, but sometimes we have a hard time believing it. we are like peter... doubting in the most crucial of times. the encouraging thing about peter is that Christ still loved him. Christ loved him and singled him out even when he knew what Peter was going to do to him... deny him, curse him. although i desire not be compared to peter... at my very core i am peter. loving christ with all my heart, but at times, when i get scared, i deny his plan.
this blog is going to be kind of open-ended. i know God is good... that he is better, and in most areas of my life i have really tried to recklessly abandon so much for his name, yet there are still some areas, i am finding out, i have my fist so tightly clenched around that it is detrimental to my soul. i know the Lord will work with me to unclench my fist, but oh, how i long for it to happen without bruises, hurts and growing pains. there is beauty in the journey though... i must remember that.
Consuming fire, fan into flame, a passion for your name.... Lord have your way....
more than that we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope and hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5:3-5
let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.
hebrews 10:22
God is better. Love you guys.
1 comment:
I love you ash. I'm so thankful for you and for this post.
Post a Comment