i am having a hard time with what i feel like the lord is telling me right now. funny how i can be so thankful for where he has brought me from and still have the audacity to not fully trust him in everything i feel i am hearing from him. distractions are so easy to have, or rather, i am so easily distracted. even when i feel the lord is telling me something, and i know in my soul what i am hearing, i can still get thrown off by the voices of outside opinions. i am the one who asks for the opinions though, and they really are appreciated... but why can't i just take the Lord at his word?
even when we are faithless, he is still faithful-- for he cannot deny himself. 2 Timothy 2:13. Although i know this verse, and it has captivated my heart and blows me away every time i read it, i really have a desire to be completely faithful to the Lord. to understand his will above all others and live it out unapologetically. the problem with that is, well, me. i am prideful. i dont want to get hurt, i want to protect myself. i mean... i need to right? WRONG. if anyone is looking out for my heart, that would be my sweet jesus, and where i know that, it is like i get on this track of wanting to please people and please myself so at times i do things that do not represent or really go along with what the lord is showing me. (i have learned in recovery that this is called fear of man. more on that later ;))
its funny when the lord starts to reveal something to you though... because it seems to keep unraveling every which way you turn. you start to see his grace and humor in the things around you. i personally do not believe in coincidences, so i love when the lord does this. i think it comes in all different forms too... maybe you may think that is silly, but i really believe that the lord can show him through anything that he so chooses. i desire to seek him, and see that his love is DEEP and ABIDING and will NEVER leave me even if i so choose to leave it.
I am doing a Beth Moore study called "Jesus the one and only" and today she asked us to describe what Jesus means to us. What comes to mind when we think about Jesus? Wow... although I am usually one of many words, it was hard for me express what Jesus was. Nothing is sufficient... so I wrote Love. His love, grace, and mercy transcends all things and so much more than our brains can comprehend. That is another reason i think the lord is so cool... just when i think i am starting to figure out this whole relationship thing out with him, he completely catches me off guard and presents something that i have never seen before. i love that. i love that he continues to teach when i am unfaithful. i love that he still loves me at the end of the day even when i doubt. i love that he sees when my heart is breaking and comforts me about the same thing that he has to comfort me about for the past year. i love that he listens to my requests when it comes to, well, anything. he is so gracious.
so, you would think at this point i would just be jumping up and down on a couch professing my love for Christ like Tom Cruise did for Katie Holmes on Oprah (i know, weak comparison... that was more for laughs ;)) but yet i still get down about things and make them about me and not about me. can we say idolatrous, selfish, prideful, ect? I am notorious for putting myself above the lord when i really am not even trying to. this is something that i must constantly watch and seek the lord about because trying to find more of myself will not give me more of christ. wherever more of christ is, that is what i desire.
i need to go to sleep now, thank you for listening, my soul yearns...
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