The truth is...

I have been faced with something in the past few years that I believe the Lord is continually using to show me how CONTROL He is in every situtation, and very NOT in control I am. The name of this game is (drum roll please...) dating.

Yes, I said it, dating.

Let's be real honest. I don't know many people who enjoy the game of dating. And that is what it very much is...a game. Meet the players, Ashley and said boy. Said boy takes Ashley on a date. If it is good it continues on in such a manner and eventually you call each other boyfriend/girlfriend. There is one thing that is not really a game...or shouldn't be anyways, and that is getting vulnerable. Taking your gaurd down. I don't feel like you really get prepared for such things. And one big thing that I am realizing is one, you cannot base your relationships on other people's. You can learn a lot from others, but when it comes down to it, you are the only one that knows how to be you...and what you want. This has taken me YEARS to figure out. And one would say that I have not mastered this thinking quite yet. But what is dropping your gaurd? The thing about dating is you have to really take the time to get to know someone. In a way its about being selfless, because it is a giving of your time. Sure, you are suppossed to have fun, so it shouldn't be hard, but then again, there are emotional parts of letting your gaurd down. What if that person rejects you? What if they don't like who you are or what you are about? What I am learning is this is all risks we have to take if we want to someone to know us. Really know us. It won't come in a month, maybe not even in a year, but one thing I am learning is that the Lord calls us to be real. Where I do not need to empty out all my junk in front of the said boy on date one, eventually I will have to get real with that person. I will have to hope that no matter what I have done, or where I have been that that person will see my heart. That they will respect that, and want to know me on a deeper level because of the person I have become through those struggles and mess-ups. Who knows who I will end up with, but it is refreshing to me that the Lord is showing me all these things. This may be old news to some of you. You may be one that already has it figured out...but for me I am still learning on this front and how gracious and loving is our God that he has been patient with me through so many different trials and struggles that He is still loving enough to show me where I fall short and how I can fall into his arms. Grace is always waiting and I praise Him for that.

Let the dating saga begin.

:)

My Best Friend is getting MARRIED!!!

ODE TO ELISE MARIE THOMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted to do a celebratory post in my friend, Elise Marie THOMA's honor :) Lise will be getting married in about a week and this weekend we will have her bacholoerette bash!

Elise has been such an amazing friend to me. She has truly been one of those friends in which I know I can count on for anything and everything. She will drop anything for a person. She is SO caring and is so passionately in love with the Lord! :) (And Brad..hehehe:)) She loves with all her heart and she has truly been with me as I have been grown, shaped and molded by the Lord. She has encouraged and never judged, and always been ever-so-truthful with me. Needless to say after all this, I just love her. I am very excited that her big day is almost here and to celebrate this I would like to post some pictures of us!!!

More to come...this is just the preview! :)

One More Thing...

I want to share one more thing. I would like you to go to Lauren Chandler's, Matt Chandler's wife's blog. These are the people who lead us at our church. I love them. I love their trust in our awesome God. What an awesome example of what we should do in the heart of uncertainty. Trust Him :)

Matt went to the doctor today and they found out the mass was a tumor. They will be removing it on Friday. Please continue to pray for complete healing and for the entire family. Love you guys!

www.themchandlers.blogspot.com

Where my heart lies tonight...

Do you ever wonder why certain things are the way that they are? I am guessing you do, or hoping at least. I feel like the Lord definetly does things in way that seems foriegn to us, but obviously competely make sense to Him. Well, I know this because it says that in the Bible, but I think I am at a point where I just am a little baffled at why things are the way that they are. For instance...why am I saved and there are others that are not at all? How come I got chosen, but others can't seem to grasp what I know to be true? It tears my heart apart quite frankly. And even though I know that that is the way it is, and everything is for his greater glory...It makes me feel sad. I can honestly say I have never been burdened for the lost until this past year. They are for reasons that I will not go into detail here on the blog...one of them I can tell you is teaching. I watch these kids, and quite frankly other people I know around my age ask if you have such a loving God and your God is so "non-judgmental" why would he send people to hell? Why does he not just accept gays? How come Christians are some of the most unhappy, judgemental people that I know? Why did my parents split up then? Why is my life so bad then? Why would I have been abused if there was a God...how is that good? What about the inconsistencies of the Bible? Where some of their theology is off, there are also some of those questions that I cannot answer. Where it is unfair to stereotype the whole of Christians a certain way, I cannot say that half the time that proves to be untrue. What frustrates me the most is I know how I feel. I know Christ has won me over, heart, soul and mind, and changed me from the inside out yet I cannot even begin to articulate for people the answer to those questions. So frustrating...and the even more frustrating part, is I don't believe they see that judgmental side from me (or hope not at least), but I feel like you have to make up for all of the people whom act like this many more times than not. (Which let's be competly honest, if you know me well, I am SURE I have been judgemental...but you know what I am saying). That judge constantly instead of just loving. Shoot, Christ loved everyone. EVERYONE. Even the people that nailed him to the cross. Even the people that denied him, but to his face said they loved Him. He loved the screw-ups...which I hate to break it to ya...is all of us. I just get frustrated when I get so tounge-tied. When nothing can seem to move a person to see the incredible love that is just waiting for them if they accept it. But, the Lord wills the heart...not I, so I need to stop being so frustrated, right? I don't know what it is in me lately, but it has just been bothering me. Why can some people see the Lord's grace, but others can just look past it like the it's just a brand of peanut butter and some like it chewy and some like smooth. (Okay, terrible example...but I need some sort of Ashley-ism, comic relief, what the heck is she writing somewhere in this...) So, this is where I am at. Why can't everyone know him. I know, because that isn't what the Lord has. But, I think a little more understanding would serve me greatly.

I love you all. Thanks for listening to me vent...all two of you ;)

take a deep breathe.

there are times when you get a little side-tracked on what you are actually doing.  you look at the bad things that are happening, or have been happening, instead of looking at what you need to be looking at...or the things that are most important.  you think about the things that suck, the things that aren't going right, and the injustices that you feel are being put on you.  these are the days that i don't seem to really like, but ones in which I have been having constantly.  instead of looking that the reasons you are doing what you are doing, you look at every extenuating circumstance that has you going crazy at the moment.  when i think about how often i have been doing that lately versus just being there for my kids and putting the stress aside, it makes me a little sick, and a little sad.  why am i at the school i am at? is it to complain about how the district is imposing things on the teachers that i think is a little ridiculous...or is it to be there for the kid who just found out his mom has a couple of months to live?  am i there to complain about my work load, or am i there to see what huge strides these babies are making in a life they don't always know is worth living?  am i there to take it out on my kids that i can't get everything organized, or am i there to show that kiddo that does not have much love at home some love??

things to think about, huh?  i am thinking...and reevaluating.  

Update for Ashie

It is morning's like this that I LOVE and miss, but am ever so thankful for when I do actually have them.  I am just sitting on my couch, TV on in the background and sipping on coffee, which I might add is simply perfection.  (My new thing is I put a little nutmeg in my coffee and it adds a bit of Christmas Joy!).

I miss having mornings, or weekends like this.  They seem to be few and far between here lately, but I guess it just makes me even more thankful when I do have them.  I know I have been a little absent from the blogging world here lately, but the things that I have wanted to blog about I felt were either a little too personal, or had a lack of interesting quality, so thus, I have not written.   So here are a few things to catch you up on-

1.  School-  It is great.  I have new kiddos, a new year- new kids, and it has been different.  I got super attached to my kiddos last year, but I have started to become just as attached and love these kids just as much.  It has been fun having more kids that I know at the school because I get to give my old kids hugs and encouragement, and continuing building relationships with them, while building new ones with the new kiddos :)  I have about 32 in all of my classes.  Needless to say this is a little overwhelming at times.  One class I have so many personalities I barely know what to do with them...but the Lord shows me patience, so I try to show them that same thing.  There is not a lack of problems that these kids have to deal with, and I am thankful for the Lord has allowed me a chance to talk with them and try to show them love daily.  I am also thankful for a Principal that really believes in our kids at school.  It is encouraging and helps you keep going when you get down.

2.  Cheerleading- I love my girls...but I am getting a little worn out.  I have recently taken over Varisty (just for about two weeks) due to one of my Sweet Friends, Haley (the Varsity coach) getting married!  That has been interesting, and boy do I have some stories!  As soon as I fill little Miss. Haley in on what happened I may blog about some of the stories...some of the ones that are funny now that I am about of them.  ha.  Cheerleading is a whole other world, and I have a whole new respect for Haley being the Varsity Coach.  I love those girls A LOT...but drama seems to ensue anytime cheerleading is involved.

3.  The rest of life is good...I have started going to the Dallas Campus of the Village and I LOVE IT!! IT is great...if you are checking out churches we would love to have you!  IT is great and I am just so thankful for my church family!

That is all for the moment...I will blog when I have more to say.  Love you all.

Ashie :)

good. and promising.

In him, we have redemption, through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making knows to us the mystery of his will according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

Ephesians 1:7-10

Turning over a new leaf..

Do you have ever have days where you pretend you are someone else?  Maybe you do not pretend…but in your head you think about what it would be like to be someone else.  I think about living in the city, and having a indispensable amount of money.  I am single, and shop however I would like and wear some of the most fabulous trends.  I am a writer.  This is how I fund my addiction that is called shopping.  I live in tweed suits with Chanel purses and Christian lubuiton heels.  I flit about my apartment that is a tie between anthropologie and new-york comfort.  I am not scared to live alone, but have embraced it.  I see myself as an independent woman whom is capable of anything that I set my mind to.  I write to old music that stirs my brain into a tizzy and creates some of the most amazing works.  People think of me as not only a literary genius, but as someone who does not have to follow regular grammar rules but adheres to her own set of rules in which the sentence structure surprises and woos the reader to continue on in each “work of art”. 

 

Then…I come back to life.  My life, albeit not near as glamorous does have many perks.  This week may not have been one of the most amazing weeks of my life, but still, at the end of the day, I know there is much to be thankful for.  I have a roof over my head.  I live in an apartment, by myself, which I pay for on my own.  I do not have much debt, other than the wonderful school loans I incurred while at DBU, and I have yet to have a credit card to my name.  (My Pap said that would probably be the worst possible thing for me…that I have to agree.  I may not have a life with an indispensable amount of money, but at times I would like to act like it).  There are a lot of reasons to be unhappy in life, but there are also a lot of reasons to look on the bright side of things.  To look at the side of things where there are possibilities and perhaps, they are endless.  Perhaps you can do anything you put your mind to, and you can be almost anything you would like to be.  It may be in a slightly smaller realm of popularity, for instance- I would LOVE for everyone to find me witty and ingenious when it comes to my comments, but for right now I have a group of friends and dear family that will, if nothing else, indulge my need to feel loved and laugh at my jokes.  Life is not always about checks and balances, or right and wrong, but sometimes it is how you live it.  Yes, I believe Christ is the reason for why I get through my day, and ultimately who I live for… but at times I think I forget to live.- to take the opportunities given to me and to not look back.  To look at every mistake or frustration, or disappointment and instead of wallowing in it, or reliving it second my second, be thankful for the new second I am still living in.  Things may not be perfect.  I may not be the most clean or organized, or have the most well-put together apartment due to my MESSINESS (a big AMEN to that..) but I am Ashley.  There is no one else like me.  Just like there is no one else like you.  If we were all created in a way that was wonderful, then why don’t we live that out.  Why don’t we take pleasure in that?  Why, do we insist upon dwelling in the past and looking at ourselves as what we once were instead of looking into what we are becoming?

 

This is going to be my new mantra.  This year, I will try to stop living in the past.  I will try to stop counting every mistake, and start looking at the grace that is afforded me by Christ.  I will try to give others more grace and see this as a journey, that may have bad days, but is taking me to an ultimate goal.  I also vow to unclutter my life which may take a while.  This may not seem to be as big of an undertaking, but trust me my friend… I still have In Style magazines from 2006.  One would not call that healthy, or clutter-free.

 

This is my vow.  I will keep you updated.

 

~Inspired by the movie Julie and Julia.

the testing of your faith develops perseverance..

you know there are a lot of things that test our faith.  things that you are not expecting, and when they come into your life you are pleasantly surprised.  you may also realize that this is part of progressive sanctification.  i am at a place right now where I am not quite sure what the Lord is doing, but I am seeing his hand in much.  he is so gracious to comfort but yet also allows that bit of discomfort to sink in when needed.  i think he puts us in places where we aren't comfortable to grow and mold and shape us.  these places are not always our favorite places, but through these places we become who he is making us to be.  when we are being stretched and molded in the daily events of life we are being shaped to be more like him.  

one thing that has seemed to have left me this summer is articulation.  At times this summer, when I feel like it is most crucial to articulate my point of view, but I can't make people understand what I am saying.  my heart knows what I am trying to say, but my mouth cannot put it into words.  as you can tell by reading this blog.  i need more of him, but i am also finding out that I don't know exactly what it is that I NEED.  I am nothing without Him though.  And as you become closer to Him I think that it causes you to make some big decisions that are sometimes hard and sometimes misunderstood.  I long for understanding, but that is not something that I can always find.  

Questions to consider

Some questions that the Lord is dealing with my heart on as well as questions/ideas I am just trying to search through and answer are as following:

What does it look like to be 23 and a Christ-follower?

 

Religion vs. truly knowing Christ.  

 

Righteousness vs. legalism.

 

Hypocrisy in the church and the way that we feel about the church now...

 

What He wants vs. What we want-

I'll let you know what I find out when I am done.  :)  It should take me awhile.  Love you guys!  Happy Thursday, hope you are not melting! 

I REALLY, REALLY, miss my KIDS!

Dear Ash,

Note to self- find things to preoccupy yourself during the summer so you do not feel so sad during the days.

Thank you,

Ash

May I just tell you that I am way more of a people person that I am a loner?  As much as I love to have my free, by-myself time, I suck at it when it is all the time.  And this living SO far out from all my friends in Dallas, Highland Village and Denton is killing me a bit.  The thing is I know the Lord has me here for a reason, but it is the ever-so-present urging that comes out about wanting to live in a different city when summer hits and all of a sudden I have this free time that I wish I had during the school year.  Oh, goodness me...the grass is always greener on the other side, huh?

The Lord is showing me so much in this "wonderful" alone time that I have right now...but with that amazingness comes this angst that I cannot describe fully, other than just telling you, I have a spirit-filled angst.  My soul is in this constant kind of longing for Jesus and that is alone is super cool, but I feel like the Lord is showing me so many things about myself and just things in my life that it can a bit overwhelming to say the least.  With this growth comes major growing pains and with the growing pains comes this amazing desire for the hurting to stop..ya know?  The Lord seems to really work on my heart the most admist times like this for some reason.  The weightiness of what He is showing me though is exhausting.  but again, so good.  I know that may not make sense, but to those of you that have been in this exact place, I know you know where I am coming from.  Letting go and letting God is something that I am constantly trying to grasp, understand and achieve, but I am finding when I start to try to achieve this this is where the problem starts.  Again, it is not for ME to grasp, but for Him to show me.  There is such a beauty and again, such angst in realizing this.  Miss. Perfectionist Ashley is learning and missing what constantly  stirs my affections for Christ,  but I know he is preparing me for something...what that something is, who knows.  All, I know is being kingdom-minded is something that is to be attained and the Lord is showering so much love when times get a little much.  Praise his name!

I love you guys...liter post next time, perhaps?

ps- If you went to church this weekend and heard Matt's message, when he mentioned..are you living in a way that is kingdom-minded?  With your money, friends, family, etc.?  Hit me right between the eyes.  Man, oh man...

Love you guys, oh so much.

"He is refining your desires, Ash..."

This is what my sweet, friend Elise said to me the other night at coffee that has since become my mantra.  

"Who am I, O Sovereign Lord, and what is my family, that you have me this far?"

2 Samuel 7:18

The Lord has been working on my heart in a major way lately.  It is incredible to me how awesome He is, and how much I feel He is pursuing my heart right now.  It has been really awesome the way He has been working on my heart lately.  Not, that what He has been doing has been exactly easy, but he has given me this joy, even in the super tough, working out and showing me my sin-issues time, and it has just been unreal.  He is romancing my heart and showing me what how GREAT He is and just, transforming my mind.  It has just been crazy.  It has been so good, I just want to talk about Him all the time.  He is transforming the desires of my heart to be more like the desires that I believe he wants me to have.  It is just so cool.  The people he has placed in my life, he has also used in a HUGE way lately.  The little things He has been doing in my heart and life are equaling this BIG, overarching thing that I believe that he is doing in my life in general.  He is showing me how live out the gospel...which, trust me, I have not mastered, and probably never will...but it is SO cool to see how he is working out the smaller areas in my life to feed into the larger areas.  He has been showing me so many different sin-filled areas in my life and I feel like he is beating them out of me.  Which, I don't know if you have ever been in that position...where the Lord is showing you your sin and you are realizing how crappy you are and how much you fall short...but it is such a JOY (that is right..joy) to see how much MERCY he has for me.  He knew I was going to do this...he knew what my reactions would be and he still loves me.  He still cares for me, and still pursues my heart.  What an awesome place to be in!!! Ahh, it just makes me want to talk about Jesus all day!  

I was talking to my sweet friend, Elise the other day just about how frustrated I was with my sin...with this continual need to please others, with this continual pattern I have with certain areas of my life...and while I was voicing my frustrations she said, "He is refining your desires, Ash..." and something just clicked when she said that.  How great is He, that is He is finally refining my desires.  HE is showing me such love, and kindness and MERCY by refining my desires, my showing me the areas in which I need to work on and change.  By loving on me in a way that is killing myself only to bring me closer to Him.  I want more of Him constantly and that is such a great place to be.  There have been some hard days with this, where I start crying and don't really know where it is coming from, where I get SO frustrated with where I struggle and long to not struggle any longer, but then he shows me where he has brought me out of...and let me tell you, he has brought me FAR in the past 2 years...especially in the past year!  It is just so cool.  I obviously am not articulating very well today because I keep using words like cool, amazing, awesome, etc...but y'all the Lord is transforming my heart!!!! And, is using this time that I have off (which I have been dreading since i have kind of poured myself into teaching thus, free time is not what I am accustomed to having...) and making me sit still and study and I think He is determined to beat out these particular sin issues and refine them for His glory!  Praise His name.

So, I know this particular post may not be well-written or witty, but I just had to share what the Lord is doing through me.  He is showing me his grace and mercy and letting me live in it! 

Praise his Name!

Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  2 Corinthians 3:17

We destroy arguments and every loft opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive.  2 Corinthians 10:5

Now, there is great gain in godliness with contentment for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. 2 Timothy 6:6-7

Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.  Psalm 55:22

The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes.  So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.  John 3:8

Sweet Jesus, I pray you will continue to work in my life, and finish the work that you have started in me.  Lord, I pray you will continue to show me the areas that I need work on and continue to refine and work on the areas you have showed me which are a work in progress.  God, you are so sweet, so loving and I thank you for showing me this and for romancing my heart and showing me to never compromise.  You, alone, are great.  You, alone are sovereign and everything is in your control.  I pray that I continue to relinquish control and give it over to you in my life...because you are the one that controls it all anyway.  You, God, are loving, merciful and show me joy in areas I did not know there could be joy in.  I love you and I praise your name for loving me and for being such an amazing, Holy, God.  I love you.

Ashie

an itch to blog...

I had a bit of an itch to blog today for some reason, and so, maybe I am supposed to share something for all two of you that read this, or rather, I just need to write something out so that I can absorb it more.  I have a feeling it is probably the latter of the two.  Nevertheless, here I am :)

The Lord is so gracious to me in what he shows me and when he allows me to see things.  What I mean by this is exactly when I need something the Lord is SO gracious to go over and beyond that need and meet me in the most intimate way.  Where he does provide for my physically with shelter and means to keeping that shelter... my job, etc., I am more talking about my emotional/spiritual needs.  I have been dreading summer a bit because I knew I was going to be having ALL this time and it was mainly going to be to myself, being as most of my friends have jobs which make them work during the summers.  :)  I have been dreading this because I am one to be somewhat of a complex thinker, but sometimes this is good and at times this is bad.  IF I focus on the wrong things it can be bad.  So, I let Christ know up front (not that he already didn't know ;))  that I was a bit nervous about this whole summer thing.  Where I knew that my body and my brain and, honestly, my emotions needed a break, I was still scared about how this time would go.  I mean, I have really, really been blessed with how this year has gone and what all I have gotten to experience through my kids.  It has brought a whole new perspective to my thinking and has completely stirred my affections for Christ even further.  To be away from that scared me because, and still sometimes scares me, in the sense of I do not want to forget how gracious the Lord is and what my purpose is while I am here...to serve Him.  And let's face it...I am a pretty prideful person.  If I get to focus on myself too much that is where in lies the problem.  So, knowing this you would think that I would not find this as my problem when summer starts.... but.... pride attacked.  

I feel like pride sneaks up on you when you are least expecting it to rear its little head.  And then, you get so immersed in yourself and your "problems" you don't see that it is pride.  Luckily, I have sweet friends whom love me and are more than happy to call me out on this pride..(Thank you Elise;)).  

An example of my very prideful heart-

Last week one of the sweet girls from The Village asked me if I was currently looking for a homegroup, and asked me if I would be interested in coming to one that her and some other girls had just started up.  Sounds fantastic to me, I thought, and was ready to jump on board.  Then she told me the book they were doing...Lady in Waiting.  AMAZING book!  Great, again I thought, this will probably be a good book for me to reading right now anyways.  (The pride starts to rear his head here for another one of my first thoughts was, hmmm, I have read through this book like 3 times...do I really need to go through it again????).  So with these thoughts both warring against each other, I decided to pick up the book and begin reading it again.  I read the one chapter that they were on, and again the prideful side of the thinking came out again.  Ash...do you really need to do be doing this book again?  Don't you need to be looking to more mature thinking.. I mean you have read it 3 times?  So, with that I put aside the book and decided to think on the whole situation.  Then my hard week came upon me, and I found myself grasping for somethings that I thought that I COULD FIX.  Oh, silly perfectionist Ashley searching within herself to fix things...you think by now I would know that that is not something that works in my favor.  Anytime I try to fix something that is when it goes TERRIBLY wrong...as my sweet friend Elise so lovingly pointed out :)  Before talking to Elise about this, I had had a conversation with my mom how annoyed I was at a certain situation an how I felt I was the one that messed everything up and there is no hope for me because I do not even know how to start fixing it.  My mother lovingly listened to me, and then lovingly tried to set me straight.  After my morning chat with her, I glanced over and saw Lady in Waiting sitting on my ottoman.  Just as I had glanced over I also received a text saying what chapter we would be reading is small group.  Can you guess what the chapter might be about..Contentment.  Great, I thought...just what I need.  (This was actually pretty sarcastic..but I knew what the Lord was trying to tell me at this point).

So, I began to reread this chapter.  The first paragraph hit me right between the eyes, as well as the rest of the chapter.  At this point in my life when everyone is getting married, or I feel as though everyone has found their significant other and is living life to the fullest, while little Miss. 23 here gets a little impatient waiting for her man to show up.  I mean...can't the Lord bring him??!! I am more than a little impatient and yesterday morning right before I started reading this text message I was more than annoyed with a present situation at hand.  Sometimes the desire of wanting that special someone in my life (whoever he may be) trumps the fact that God is working and I need to be patient.  I know I want an amazing, God-fearing, witty, truth-speaking, person that challenges me a on a a daily basis...but why must I wait??  (OH SILLY ASHLEY.)

This is one of the first sentences in the chapter- "For a single woman to experience genuine contentment while soloing in a "couples' world," she must avoid the ditches of discontentment.  She needs to learn the mystery of contentment and its power over the restless torture of desire."

desire...hmm, sounds familiar.  And then enter even more conformation from the Lord that I was being completely sinful and silly by throwing the fit earlier to my mother.. the book speaks about Ruth.  Just a little background- Ruth was widowed at a very young age and decided to leave everything to travel with her mother-in-law, Naomi.  "Ruth was a God-fearing woman who showed that she had the capacity to wait.  God blessed Ruth in this trying time, with someone who was wise; Naomi.  Naomi instructed Ruth that Boaz was a candidate for being their kinsman-redeemer (this simply meant that Mosaic Law allowed Boaz, as the closest kin, to redeem the childless widow and keep the family name alive).  Naomi had instructed Ruth to approach Boaz and ask him if he would be their kinsman-redeemer.  Boaz's response to Ruth's request is precious.  "And now, my daughter, don't be afraid.  I will do for you all you ask.  All of my fellow townsmen know that you are a woman of noble character" (Ruth 3:11). 

Now...as a woman, I would be thinking, YES this amazing man is going to be my future husband AND he just told me that I am a woman of noble character...enter heart melting and girl making plans.

BUT, when Ruth comes back to report the news back to Naomi, Naomi responds with this, "Then Naomi said, Wait, my daughter, until you find out what happens.  For the man will not rest until the matter is settled today" (Ruth 3:18).  Who had to wait?  The woman must wait.  Who is the one who will not rest?  The man, Boaz, will not rest.  Waiting is not to cause suffering, but to prevent it.  Women experience so much needless pain when they run ahead of God's format.  Naomi knew that there may exist an even closer kinsman who would qualify to redeem her and Ruth.  Naomi did not want Ruth's heart to race ahead into disappointment in case the circumstances did not go as assumed." 

All from Lady in Waiting

One of the ways the Lord really showed me HE was listening to my pleas for Him, and listening to my heart is just by speaking to me through this book.  Not only did he answer some questions I had through scripture, but he also helped me to see that the little "fit" that my mom had just graciously listened to was not only exactly that, A FIT, but how wonderful it was to have a mother who sets me straight and does not let me get ahead of myself just like Naomi.  My day continued to be a day in which I would read, journal, glean, and then I would have sweet, Godly, amazing people speak truth into my life.  I know all this may be a little confusing because I do not want to divulge a huge amount of information to the blogging public...but the overall lesson that the Lord seems to keep having to teach me is that little Miss. Prideful (aka..me) is wrong.  The time when things go wrong in my life is when I seek to fix things or see something wrong and grasp for anything other than HIM.  It's such a simple concept, but such a hard thing for me to continue to remember.  The Lord is not out to get me...and I do not have to be perfect. How sweet Jesus to is to be so consistently after my heart that he is relentless in showing me truth and having others speak truth into my life.  How great it is to have a God whom I KNOW loves me that much.  I have never felt more loved...

My Prayer

There is nothing- no circumstance, no trouble, no testing that can EVER touch me until, first of all, it has gone past God, and past Christ, right to me.  IF it has come that FAR, it has come with great purpose, which I may not understand at the moment.  But, as I refuse to become panicky, as I life my eyes to HIM and accept it as coming from the Throne of GOD for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart, no sorrow will ever disturb me; no trial will ever disarm me; no circumstance will cause me to fret, for I shall REST in the JOY of what MY LORD IS!  That is Victory!!! 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance, perseverance must first finish its work so that you may be mature and complete and not lacking anything.

James 1:2-3

It is for Freedom that Christ has set us free.  Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery!

Galatians 5:1

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways aknowledge him; and he will make your paths straight.  

Proverbs 3:5-6

Do not store up treasures for yourselves on Earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.  But store up for yourselves treasures in Heaven, where moth and dust don't destroy...for where your treasure is your heart will be also.

Matthew 6:19-21

For the past couple of days I have had a lot on my mind.  Blame it on the down time that I have not had in the past year, but, nevertheless, here it is.  I am also tired which instead of causing me to sleep, usually causes my mind to wander about in many different ways and causes me to overanalyze and project.  If you know me at all, you know this is very true.  This weekend a once, very dear friend of mine is getting married.  It is not a wedding that I am invited to, nor should I be.  This has brought me into a spin of thinking that has brought tiny bits of sadness here and there, but has also brought me into a thankfulness for how far the Lord has brought me in the past 2 years.  (2 years goes by fast!)  As this person goes on to be in wedded bliss, it makes me think of all the good times we had together, as well as the bad...but overall, I just hope that this person is happy.  I am not Jesus and I have no control over any situation, thus little Miss. Control has to check herself daily especially when I get sad or down or just start feeling weird about such situations.  I, myself, might have planned my life differently, but the only thing I keep coming to is how Sweet my Jesus is that he has allowed me to become soo deeply in love with Him instead of having a love that is on this Earth right now.  That is far beyond any blessing I could ask for, and although I do desire to have someone to cuddle, hug, or just love on at times..how great it is that the Lord has allowed me to find him so intimately in the past 2 years.  My love for Him has only grown, and for that I am thankful.  I am thankful for my amazing, core group of friends that have showed me what it is to be a friend and what a TRUE friend looks like.  They love me unconditionally and have been with me through all of the tears and joys and freak-outs along the way.  The Lord has finally brought me to a place where I can see somewhat of what he has been doing it, and perhaps, why he might be doing it.  I know nothing of the BIGGER PICTURE, but I do know his Kingdom will be glorified through me as long as he so allows it.  He is a gracious, loving God that loves me and desires for my heart to be His.  HE never disapoints and you cannot say that about anyone else.  I have gotten to taste and see his goodness and how great it is to be 23 and be able to say that.  I have seen his sweet hand through the lives of my kids and how smoothly this year went.  It was only the Lord that I was able to connect with my kids this year and how amazingly everything went.  It is only the Lord that the kids saw how much I love them...as well, as me having any patience when they got under my skin.  :)  IT is the Lord that I have started to see my life being a life that is constantly trying to be defined by the Gospel, and it is ONLY the Lord that I am in a profession that I really feel like I am doing ministry EVERY day.  What is so cool about that is as much as I have ALWAYS wanted to be a teacher, I have also felt called to ministry.  And here I am...doing something where I get to minister to kids everyday.  (well, except for a month over the summer..) BUT how gracious is my LOVE, JESUS that he allows me to do this with my life!!!!  It is more than an occupation, it is a way of life, and for that I am forever grateful and appreciative.

Please, if you read this, be praying for me this week and weekend.  I will probably need the prayers :)  As much as I know I am where I need to be, it does not make memories go away or feelings to cease.  When things come up that you did not know were still there it is hard to shush them...however, I know the Lord is in the process of completely shutting the door or closing this chapter and opening a brand new one!  That should be fun...haha.  We will see what the Lord has in store.  Thank you to all my sweet friends for being there for me so constantly in the past two years and for really loving me and helping me to see Christ in all situations.  You have meant more to me than you will ever know!!!!

I love you all...Till Later,

Ashie

My Social Life..

In pictures...and a VIDEO!!  YAY!















My kids said I looked like a kid here..so we took a picture!

Paint night!  WOO.  

Run-thru's for football '09.

They think I am wierd..but they love me :)

Senior Cheerleader (she is graduating...) and my teacher aid!  LOVE HER!

Funny Faces :)

I.love.them.  One of my English classes.

Another english class.  They ask me who their favorites are and I tell them "I love you all equally."

Cool poses.  

THE FRIDAY SONG...GET PUMPED!

This video is of the Friday Song that I make my kids sing every friday!! Hopefully it will work after I post this!! YAY!!

Next post shall be Elise's birthday pictures post.  My computer is being slow now though, so I will post those later!! 

Until then,

LOVE YOUUU!

My kids hearts..

"Sometimes my father doesn't even look at me. It makes me feel like I let them down.  I feel like they've pictured a different son..."

"My stepmom who was sticking up for me got shoved into the wall.  Then choked.  I tried to stop him, I tried.  I hit him again and again begging him to stop!  My older sister who is always so strong was crying and yellling, "Daddy, stop!"  It still hurts me to think about that night.  After that night I vowed to never ever let someone mistreat me."

"I remember she was really mad at my mom, accusing her of being the worst mother.  it has been around one weeks since we put my step grandfather in jail for tying to rape me so of course she got mad and threatened my of taking me away from her because my mom was the bad one in her eyes...I have been living in fear for 5 years.."

"being gay is not a choice...it is just part of you."

"no one hears the tears that pour down my face, no one feels the pain you put me through"

These are some direct quotes from kids memoir's projects.  I have not put some of the worse ones on here (and by worse, I just mean heart-wrenching).  however, i did want to put a glimpse.  sometimes i feel super ill-equip.  Who am I to pour into these kids lives?  half of my kids when reading their memoirs started bawling.  Now, where it is awesome that they feel they are safe within the confines of my classroom, i just want to scoop 'em up and tell them it is alright.  But is it alright?  some of them have posed questions to me at the end of their memoirs, asking me questions about the Lord.  If there is a God how could he let this, this and this happen.  That is when it gets hard.  How do I convey to them what I know so fiercely in my heart?  I have never been good at this part..I am good at loving on people, conveying the word has not always been my strong suite.  All I know to do is to love on them and convey any truth that I know, and study and ask questions and know the Lord will give me the words He wants me to have.  This is just rips my heart out.  I know the Lord is good though, regardless of our situations.  I feel a little hypocritical saying this since I have never had such things in my life.  I have had a family who has been nothing but loving to me, I have had people constantly around me loving on me and encouraging me and have never had the odds against me like some of these kids have.

i put these on here to ask you to pray for these kids.  pray that the lord is with their hearts and is working on their hearts.  pray for me as i am with them for the last few weeks of the school year.  pray for my patience and strength as i encourage them and read these projects.  (may sound silly, but some of these are had to get through).  Love you guys much..promise to have a more "sunshiny" post in the next few times.

Love you,

Ashie

So exhausted.

I do not have one main topic tonight, I just feel like writing.  Sometimes it is comforting to know I can just type on here and act as if I am having a conversation even though I know that no one may even read this.  That probably seems very silly, but there it is.  Tonight was a good night.  I spent time with some of my best friends.  These girls have seen me through so much in the past few years, and it is just crazy how time flies by.  I feel like it wasn't even that long ago when we were celebrating Lise's birthday, and yet here we are again.  It was fun tonight, we got to go eat with Lise's parents, her brother (Jimmy..whom I call Timmy Jhoma) and it was just good.  After, me, Jim, Lise and Rob all went back to Jim's house and just sat at the kitchen table at talked.  It just felt like a little family.  I have missed this.  Where they have been around all year, this year has just been so different.  Where it has been so amazing and I would not trade it for the world, the sense of having that community of friends constantly around me has changed a bit.  Not in the sense that I do not have it, but just in the fact that life has happened.  We all live in different places, we all have different jobs, mine being a pretty time-consuming job, and I don't know...it was just good to be back at the house talking about what all has transpired in the past year and where everyone is at, and what we struggle with, etc.  Towards the end of the night Jim left for awhile and we Elise, Rob and I just laid on the bed and talked.  I am so thankful for friends who listen and just for people I can do life with.  

On the way home tonight I just started thinking more about how things are changing and how fast life seems to happen. I know that everyone goes through stages in life...or so I have heard being as I have not reached all of them, but the stage I am in right now is just different.  Everyone is getting married and having babies, which is SO wonderful, and I am enjoying watching them in this time and learning from them, but my life is just different from there's right now.  Where there is NOTHING wrong with that, and I know that in my heart, I think I am constantly thinking about what I must be doing wrong in the sense of I do not have the same things as them.  I wonder how long this season will be.  I long for companionship, but then again I think how blessed I am for being in this season by myself because I am in a position where I can pour into my kids constantly.  Then, I began to feel guilty for feeling sad or down about where my life is at.  Sometimes I wonder how long this season is going to last though...

Regardless, I am tired.  I am actually exhausted, and I don't mean this is a negative sense, I just mean to tell you this because I need some restoration time.  I am looking forward to church tomorrow, and I am also looking forward to not having a determined time to wake up but rather waking up at my leisure, and then I excited about just spending time with Jesus before I go to church.  I have missed him..which is my own fault.  With everything going on lately, I feel like I have not had time to really delve into the word (which I know is my own fault).  I long for time with Him and to hear from Him and just be comforted by Him.  I wish my kids could see Him like I do.  They have so many issues going on that they have told me about, even in the last week, and I don't know what to do with half the information.  I know the Lord has put me here, but I wonder if I am equip at times to talk to them about everything they are sharing with me.  They know I am a Christian, so here lately they have started asking questions, but the questions are had due to the fact of SUCH awful things have happened to these kids and they want to know how a "great God could allow such things to happen".  There is much theology I could go in with this...but, I do not think going into all that is exactly what they would like to hear.  I long for something relatable to share with them.  As much as I know the Lord has allowed my classroom to be a safe haven for my kiddos, I hope that he is helping me with all the right words to say to them at this time.  I just love them so much.  

Well, I am sleepy.  I have tons of pictures tonight that I shall post later.  Thank you for listening, love you guys very much!

Hard day equals exhaustion.

Disclaimer- I evidently do not know how to post pictures under captions!  Sorry!









there are so many things that I could probably blog about, but alas, i shall only share a few thoughts because I feel as though I am a bit of a broken record.  

Numero uno- I really think that teachers have a summer break because it is SO needed.  by this point in the year you are a bit exhausted and even though I love my kids very much, I think a reprieve from them will probably be good.  I have been so emotional lately with them.  Well when it comes to them anyways, even though today I did actually get a bit emotional.  I have my kids writing memoirs, or vignettes, and each kid is getting to use their own style of writing and tell me about almost anything that they would like.  So, although they are not due yet, the kids have been bringing up their writings for me to look over and see if they are okay.  Today one of my kids brought up a piece about her dad and him leaving.  I tried to hold it together while I was reading it, but all of sudden tears just started falling.  Then I looked up at her, and I told her I loved her and I was proud of her and I was sorry, and she started crying.  I just had to hug her.  These kids, man, they have some stories that just break my heart.  Although I LOVE LOVE LOVE what I do, and would never trade it, I think the break coming up will be a good time for me to just recoop mind-wise, ya know?  Maybe that is selfish, but, alas, there it is.  Please be praying for me if you think about it in the next couple of days, because I have a feeling in reading these memoirs they are going to tug at the heart a bit.

Numero Dos- ummmm, everyone is getting married.  I mean seriously, all of my friends, pretty much, are engaged or close to or ya know, married and are having kids.  :)  I am so happy for them, but it leaves a single girl wondering...what is life like after all your friends get married and you are still the single girl?  I know, silly question probably, you are probably thinking, oh ash, just be patient.  And let's face it, I have always had a bit of a problem with the whole "patience" thing (as I typed those quotation marks I just got a mental picture of joey putting quotation marks around everything in one of the friends episodes..haha..okay, i digress) so that is warranted.  However, as much I want to be married someday, I do not know if that is really what I am longing for right now.  I mean...maybe it is, but I think I just miss companionship.  With the job I have and everything, sometimes I think it would be good to come home and know that I have someone to talk to.  I mean... I have penelope..haha, but she does not really talk back, so.  ;) All that to say, this is just another very different stage I am entering yet again.  I never thought I would be the one that was still single...or maybe I was just hoping that would not be me.  hehe.  Nevertheless, I do think that being single has done nothing but grow me.  And trust me, I still have room to grow, and I am only 23, so no rushing.  

Numero tres- IT is my BFF's birthday week this week, SOOOO in Honor of her, I will post some AMAZING pictures of the two of us...and the sandwich.  I love her SOO very much and I am so blessed she is in my life!! 

Numero quatro- Skittle got in a wreck :(  I will let the pictures do the talking...it was raining really bad the other day, you know, during the monsoon, and thus lights were out in an intersection and me and another car ran into each other.  Poor Skittle. :(

That is all.  Love you all.  Thanks for listening!  

Optimism-- Is it contagious

and faith.. it is crucial.

I have been making my students do some writing assignments that are strictly about their lives.  They can write anything they want, in any way that they want.  They can tell me about who they are- through writing they can show me WHO they are...and this has been a very humbling and amazing experience.  I have been looking forward to this all year- teaching this unit, learning who my kids are, more about where they come from.  I love them so much.  I wish they could see how amazing they are and what they have achieved from coming from what they have come from.  I have something special in my classroom.  I do not really know what it is, other than the fact that my kids have started to trust me with who they are, and they feel like (hopefully) they can be themselves when they walk through the door.  Most of them come from very hard things.  The things that they have had to overcome baffles me to this day..and some of them are still trying to overcome these things to this day.  They have no clue how wonderful they are, or how much they can impact our society just by being the best possible version of themselves.  Many of them have been told that they cannot achieve anything...they are not smart enough, they shouldn't have been born...I have one kid who told me his mom told him that "she wished he was never born and that she should have had an abortion".  Thinking about these things, listening to my kids as they tell me some of the intimate details of their lives makes me think about how great my kids are.  I do not know if I was told that if I could keep going on and be okay.  But this kid that told me that, he is going to rise above the situation.  He wants to be different, he is a sophomore and already talking about college.  These kids are our future, and they just need a little hand to help 'em get up sometimes. 

I showed some of the video Freedom Writers in my classroom.  This is one of my favorite movies because I see so much of my kids in the kids that are represented in this movie.  My kids thought I was CRAZY when I first came in, and quite frankly I would not be suprirsed if some of them did not like me.  But, through talking and just really wanting to get to know my kids, I have been able to break this barrier with them.  I really think it is the Lord through me, because there are many times I get frustrated with them and such, but my goodness how wonderful our classes have become.  We are a family.  That probably sounds silly, but really, we are a family.  People who did not used to get along, are now pretty good friends.  When they see each other in the hall, they say hi, they even refer to each other as brother and sister.  (Which half the time is probably making fun of me because I have talked about how we are a family, and they are brother and sister..)  But regardless...my kids have learned to look at each other through a different set of eyes.  To look at each other without judgement.  Now, it would be niave to think that there will still not be judgements, prejudices, or stereotypes that are given to others, but what I hope is that they have learned how to look at people for who they are instead of what they look like.  I know this may not seem like something that is important to learn in English, but things come so much easier in a learning enviroment when there is a trust and respect that has been established.

All this to say, I hope my second year will be as rewarding as my first.  I am going to miss my kiddos when they graduate to jrs...some of them seniors ;)  Erin Greuwell's character in "Freedom Writers" says it so poigntly, "When I am helping these kids make sense of their lives, it makes my life makes sense.  How often does a person get that?" 

 

I love what I do.  I love who my kids are.  I love that the Lord has put me in a place where I am getting to do something that I have always wanted to do, and I am getting to teach the kids who NEED to be loved on daily.  One thing I have learned from the past two years is that no matter what, the Lord will always line things up.  You may not always be in your ideal position, but He lines you up with His will and what He wants for your life.  And in the end, you just have to trust that He knows far better than you do.  This is proving true in my life, and thank Jesus I am finally getting to a place where I can see that.

I would have included a picture of my kiddos in this, but when my computer got stolen, so did many of my pictures, so there will be pictures of them to come :)  I need to take some more!  I will post a blog with an update in pictures soon as well!! Love you guys...thanks for always indulging my more serious side ;)  And the goofy side always!  LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUU!

Everything is going to be alright.

My heart yearns at times to show my kids how much they are loved by me and some of the other people at my school.  There have been so many things that have been emotionally exhausting this week and a lot of it has to do with my kiddos.  

These kids live such hard lives.  I mean hard.  Nothing in which I have ever had to experience before.  To protect them, and what is going on right now I will not tell their stories...but how I long for people to hear their little voices and look on them with compassion.  I long to hear hopefullness in their voices rather than a sense of hopelessness.  So many of them have to contend with things that we just don't think about.  Not having a place to live, abusive parents (emotionally or physically), things WAY beyond their maturity level, gang violence, parents in gangs, drugs, parents on drugs, parents who do not seem to care about them, etc.  When they tell me their stories, and open up to me, I just want to take them in my arms and rock them.  How I long for them to see someone loves them and wants them.  How I hate that they have been put in such a tough situation at such a young age.  These kids deal with things that I have only seen on movies.  

I love them so much, and I know the Lord does too.  I long for them to see Jesus and see the God that loves them so much.  I also long for them to continue to see that THEY CAN achieve what they dream of if they pursue that dream and continue to be diligent.  One of my kids today told me that they "will be the first person to graduate from high school in their family".  I pray that my kids continue to dream big, even if that dreaming big is just them making it through high school.  I don't have much more to share, this is just on my heart and I wanted to write a bit.

Love you guys much, keep praying for me!  And my kiddos :)  

I will post some pictures soon for the three of you that look at this too!  ;)

What I have learned from other Teachers/Teaching...

The following things I have learned from other teachers that I work with:

1.  I will get Varicose veins.  It is only a matter of time according to the other teachers that I work with.  They said as a teacher you stand all the time, thus you are "screwed."  And I am directly quoting...ha.  

2.  My feet will be bad by the time I am 40.  Again with the standing thing.

ALSO- do not wear 4 inch heels to school.  I wore really cute 4 inch heels the first day of school...all the teachers made fun of me.  I was hurting badly by the end of the day.  I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN.  

3.  I need to have 20 minutes of alone time after I get off work everyday, or I will bite someone's head off.  (I love my job...but the other teachers are right.  After dealing with a 160 sophomores that feel like they know everything, sometimes it is good to get a little "alone" time).

4.  I must meet a man that loves my fellow teachers--or they will chase him away.

5.  I must find a man that listens to my teaching stories, and loves what I am doing with the kids as much as I love my kids.  OR at least sees my passion for these kids and respects and encourages me in that...

6.  NEVER wear holiday sweaters.  (I have implemented this one myself...)

7.  You will begin to talk like a teacher to everyone...this has come into play in my life.  I saw it more during Christmas.  I was talking to my brother as if he was my student (not really realizing that...) and that did not go over so well. ;)

8.  Color-coding helps everything.  

9.  It is important to continue to challenge yourself.

10.  Don't act like you know it all.  I received the advice that it was important to act like you know everything even when you don't.  I DO NOT do that.  I think that is dumb.  If you want to be real with the kids and want the kids to respect you, I think it is better to be real with them.  They appreciate it.  I have even had kids say thank you for responding, "I don't know" to something instead of just acting like I know what they are talking about :)

12.  You (as in me) want to try new styles that the kids are implementing (at least some of them...) and look as cute as they do.  Then you realize you are 23, and you can't fit into things like they can.

13.  You will constantly feel you are younger than you are because they kids "keep you young".

14.  You also gain maturity due to the fact that you have about 175 kids relying on you.  At times I feel like I have 160 kids...no joke.  

15.  Sometimes the only example of a true role model is what the kids will see when they come to school.  Thus, act like one.

16.  If you just love on the kids, you will have GREAT results.

17.  People are VERY, V-E-R-Y passionate about THEIR parking spots! 

18.  You learn new lingo.  For instance-

If someone says, "Miss. Kep your rap about vocabulary was lame!"  then you just got ROASTED.

I get roasted on a constant basis:)

That is all for now... I just thought I would share this information with the blogging world.  So, just for future reference you will get Varicose veins if you teach....BEWARE 

Yours Truly,

Miss. Kep ;)

Little Miss. Unbelief

Do you remember the books from when you were little called, "Little Miss Sunshine" or "Mr. Happy"?  Many of the characters in these books could be me on any given day.  I tend to go about my day and face many of the characteristics that these cute, adorable, and sometimes irritating characters seem to embody in each of their books.  

The Lord has really been dealing with my heart is some major areas lately.  (What areas of the heart on not major?)  It is never fun when the Lord shows you something to work on...or maybe it is for you.  I, however, tend to sway towards the perfectionist side of things so it is hard for me when something is shown to me that I am not that great at well, being perfect at.  Even as I type these words I feel pride rising in me telling me to just delete that sentence.  Two areas of my life that the Lord is dealing with me in are Pride and Unbelief.  Can I just say these two areas are a little hard to swallow and at times to deal with.  I have literally tried to avoid it at times and take a nap instead of facing the Lord with it.  I know, that is sad.  So many things have been showed to me lately about how little I believe the Lord.  Sure, I believe in Him...but trusting him, that is another issue in itself.  How badly I wish that I could just say, "Here, Lord take (insert my problems here...)" and not worry about it.  Thing thing is I AM ABLE TO.  The Lord takes our burdens and carries them for us, yet I am constantly choosing to be little miss. control freak and little miss. unbelief instead of trusting him with some major issues in my life.  It is amazing to me, after everything he has brought me through, that I have even one ounce of disbelief.   that i am even afraid he will not come through with something I feel he has promised me is absurd.  I am so encompassed with my own disbelief that I tend to question the truth on a regular basis.  This has been brought to the light by the Lord, and it seriously just makes me sick.  How much I wish that I just believed him and did not question a thing in my life.  Instead I question most things, and try to take it in my own hands instead of trusting Him to take it for me.  I am immersed in this life of unbelief. 

I am constantly reminded of this as well.  Can I just tell you that when you ask the Lord to break of you of something, he will surely do it.  It may not be the way that you wanted him to break you, but nevertheless, he will do it.  I have been overwhelmed by the Lord showing me thing after thing that I do and say, that does not necessarily line up with what I say that I believe.  There are many ways in which he has shown me this- first it started out subtle, now it has become overtly obvious.  I have noticed how I will encourage my students in different ways and really believe what I am saying for their lives and really believe that the Lord can do that for them, but do not believe that the Lord could do that in my own life.  I notice how am half-hearted in prayer for myself because I do not think it will necessarily get answered.  I do not believe Him with things I feel that He has told me or things that he shown me because I am blinded by my own agenda or by my own hand trying to control things.  The Lord has overwhelmed me with scripture about how the Israelites were constantly begging for the Lord to do more and more, and complaining and wanting to go back to a place that was not good for their lives, that the Lord clearly showed them that they need to leave, but out of some sort of comfort zone that they believed to be there, they wanted to go back to that bondage.  Instead of praising the Lord for the freedom and provision he was bringing into their lives, they were complaining about the bread and being tired and other such things.  This is me...I am constantly going back on what the Lord has asked me to do and asking him, Are you sure this is your plan for me?  Are you sure Lord, because I am sure we could figure something out if this is not your will..."  All that to say, I am a very silly woman.  I am flawed and try to be extremely independent when all I need to be is dependent on the Lord.  I ask the Lord why constantly instead of praising Him for where he has brought me and praying for my future and my present.  I look way ahead in the future and choose to believe the lie that the Lord will never answer my request.  This is a lie. 

"The enemy taunts us with whispers like, You'll never be free.  You've tried a hundred times.  You go back every time.  You're hopeless.  You're weak.  You're a failure.  You don't have what it takes.  Every one of these statements about you is a lie if you are believer in Christ.  You do have what it takes.  You have Jesus- the way, the truth, and the Life.  But you can't just believe in him to be free from your stronghold.  You have to believe Him."

Beth Moore; Praying God's Word

 I have to believe this because that is what His word says.  When I read this passage and some of the verses that I will follow this post up with I was taken aback.  It is always amazing to me how the Lord knows when to hit you right between the eyes.  This unbelief is a tricky little thing too because it is not like I am really wanting to not choose the truth.  I do, but I am constantly believing these lies that are set before me.  Now, have I chased it with truth?  Obviously not because I am still dealing with this.  This is where I have gone wrong...I must chase this unbelief away with what the truth is and what the truth says.  

And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to go must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

Hebrews 11:10

For some reason, one I don't quite know yet, the Lord has been showing me a lot about Moses. I have even had someone tell me that I am a Moses of my day....in which after the Lord has been showing me SO much that has to do with Moses and the Israelites.  (Again, my fear of man is coming out a bit on sharing this with the blogging community- all five of you that read this- because I am afraid that someone will think I am trying to brag, or I am just being, well I don't know...but it just scares me a bit to share that.)  Now why...again, not quite sure, other than the whole disbelief thing...but here are some verses with that too:

"By faith Moses, when he  was born was hidden for three months by his parents, because they saw that the child was beautiful, and they were not afraid of the king's edict.  By faith Moses, when he was grown up, refused to be called the song of Pharaoh's daughter, choose rather to be mistreated with the people of God than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin.  He considered reproach of Christ greater wealth than treasures of Egypt, for he was looking to the reward.  By faith he left Egypt, not being afraid of the anger of the king, for he endured as seeing him who is invisible.  By faith he kept the Passover and sprinkled blood, so that the Destroyer of the firstborn might touch them.  By faith the people crossed the Red Sea as if on dry land, but the Egyptians, when they attempted to do the same, were drown."

Hebrews 11:23-29

The Lord is faithful.  The Lord is good.  The Lord gives us strength in Him, and wants me.  Little, obsessive-compulsive, messy apartment, impatient, constantly complaining and questioning me.  :)  And he wants you too.  We just have to be able to believe HIM.

We act out what we believe.  Not what we know.

Vickie Arruda

Whew, and with that, I am done for the night.  God is good...and he is continuing to show me how great he actually his.  I am out for his renown and my heart aches for him.

Love you guys...