Isaiah 50:10

Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the word of his servant? Let him who walks in the dark, who has not light, trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God.
Isaiah 50:10

There are many things that have happened in the last 9 months that have been completely out of my comfort zone. They have taken me into a place that I never, ever thought I would be in. These events have drawn me closer to the Lord than I have ever been. Not only have the events been hard, and sometimes seemingly unbearable, they have also been the most amazing months. God has completely broken down walls that have needed to be broken down for a very long time. Just when I think I am to the point where I cannot handle anymore, he gives me enough grace to get through that time, and blesses it immensely.
I really can be a control-freak... I like to have plans, and I like the plans to work out. Too much of my life was getting caught up in what I had planned for myself by the age of 22, instead of seeking the Lord on EVERY part of my life. I had my hand clenched so tightly on the things that I had planned for myself, that I did not even consider that God's plan was better. It is very silly when I think about it now. God has now taken my plan... well, and it is just sooo different. I have changed a lot in these 9 months. I am a very different person in many areas of my life. (And this is only because of the Lord, it is not of me) The things I really desire have changed... I want what's best in order to glorify Him, not just to glorify myself. (Now don't get me wrong, I am still very sinful and can get caught up just as much as the next person... it is just interesting to see how far he has brought me.) For example: I am a very, very girly girl. I am not exactly the outdoorsy type, yet my likes and interests of changed. I have just started to LOVE being outside. It just gives me and peace and makes me happy to be outside. Now, if you are reading this and don't really know me, you might not find this weird.. but I was the little girl that when she got her hands dirty, I would hold them up to my mom and cry. I like to be clean, and look at pretty things, but not always partake in them if they make me dirty, or put me out of comfort zone. I think the Lord is calling me teach to inner-city kids. I think this will be a very hard job, but I feel like the Lord is preparing me for something in this field like CRAZY!
I also have this weird thing for Africa. I have bought books about what is going on over there, and the HIV epidemic. My heart is just so burdened for them. This is very out of my comfort zone. One would say I am a bit of a worry-wart. I am SCARED of planes! I have rode on them about 10 times...but I hate them. I have panic attacks when I have to get on them. But I feel like that is such a small, minuscule step that I am just going to have get over so that I can love on others for his Glory. I want to show others what His love looks like. People might think I am crazy, but I think there is someone out there with the same passion as I have. More than ever lately I have had this overwhelming feeling that I need to be praying for my future husband. (Which I know we all need to do, but I will be the first to admit I don't always remember to do this) Its funny to me how much I get "You know, its when you least expect he will come into your life." or "You are probably going to date a million boys before you actually find that right person." HA! I don't know how encouraging those particular statements are... I guess my point is is what is wrong with wanting someone who is has the same mindset as you to be here right now? I just think that a lot of women get soo much slack for wanting a husband, when that is what we were designed to do. Yes, I whoever is my future husband (Lord-willing I have one :)) will come at a moment when I least expect it, but saying that I am going to date a million guys before I get married!! I guess I just am perplexed at why it is such a taboo subject or thing to "want a husband". It is like it is looked down upon... I don't know. But I digress.... :)
Again, although this is such a sweet time with the Lord and I would not trade it for anything... this literally is the hardest time I have ever gone though. I am at a point where I am looking at all my junk, and having to make a desicion as to whether I am going to deal with it, or just let it be. This morning I woke up and was doing my Q.T. and this is a passage from it:
"What is a believer to do in times of darkness- a darkness of perplexities and confusion- a darkness not of the heart but of the mind? These times of darkness come to a faithful and believing disciple who is walking obediently in the will of God. They come as seasons when he does not know what to do or which way to turn. His sky becomes overcast with clouds, and the clear light of heaven does not shine on his path, so that he feels as if he were groping his way through complete darkness. Dear believer, does this describe you? What should you do in times of darkness? Listen go God's Word. Actually the first thing to do is nothing. This is a difficult thing for our lowly human nature to do. When you find yourself in a spiritual fog, do not run ahead, but slow the pace of your life. The right thing to do is simply to trust God, for while we trust, He can work. Worrying, however, prevents Him from doing anything for us. If the darkness covering us strikes terror in our hearts and we run back and forth, seeking in vain to find a way of escape from the dark trial where God's providence has placed us, then the Lord cannot work on our behalf. Only the peace of God will quiet our minds and put our hearts at rest. We must place our hand in His as a little child and allow Him to lead us into bright sunshine of His love. He knows the way out of the dense, dark forest, so may we climb into his arms, trusting Him to rescue us by showing us the shortest and most reliable road."
Streams in the Desert

Okay I know that was a long passage... ha...but it was too good not to put most of it down. I feel like that explains where I am right now... or at least how I feel. Its funny how the thing that we need to do seems so simple, TRUST and BELIEVE, yet it can be one of the hardest things for me to do. Okay... done with pouring out my heart... thanks for listening. :) Love you guys oh soo much...