The Lord gave me a thought today, that throughout the day progressed into a true revelation from Him. You know those gentle still whispers that you know only come from our Sweet Lord. It was that constantly, all day long. It was nice. His fellowship on days like these makes the bad days seem as though they have never happened. (not bad days necessarily with God, but just my selfish, progressive sinful days, which happen a lot more than not.)
I must back up. I have been doing a lot of searching for what the Lord's will for my life is, especially in this time of "rest" that he has given me before I get my job. This has been hard for me. I do not like to "rest", and I will practically do anything I can, in order not to rest. In the past when I cannot control things, I have controlled them by other sinful means, so that I may feel some sort of control. This made it where it was easy to feel "okay", or at least "better" about things because I let myself believe the lie that I was in control through my sinful behavior. Now that this particular behavior has been brought to light, and I am really trying not to do it anymore, sins and issues that I did not even know that I dealt with have come to light. It is not the prettiest picture, and it is hard sometimes not to just want to lie in bed and cover myself up with the pretty ruby colored down comforter on mattress and silently pray for the storm to pass. (and yes, i must say, unfortunatly, i have done this since graduation.) I find myself searching for peace and understanding, but not going to the person who can help me to understand. i procrastinate because i do not want to even begin to walk on the road ahead, because i do not want to fail. i hate to fail. i like to please people, and most of all, myself. one of my friends pointed out something to me the other day, that i felt was right in front of me all along, yet when she said it, it made it stick. "don't you think that if you were to fail your teaching test, or not get a teaching job, that the Lord probably has another plan for your life?" And there in lies the truth. I am not in control. My sweet Lord and Savior is, and I so desperatly need Him to be the one that controls my life, yet I so often take my eyes off Him to see what I can do. How I can change things, how I can take on the world, in all my strength. Are you hearing a common theme here... "I". Thats right, I am a whole lot of selfish.
Now, to what I feel like the Lord has revealed to me:
1. I really want to live more misionally. I want to serve others and live like Jesus did. I want to be like those people who drop everything and move to Africa and help the children that are HIV positive and tell them about Jesus and His love. I want to really see my depravity on a whole different playing field. As much as I want this, and I really do think it is important for me to get away at some point in my life and go see the world, and the people who do buy a cup of coffee that costs $5 on a daily basis, I have also realized that may not be what the Lord has put in my heart. There are lost people here too. I so often get on this kick, that people who are missionaries are such better people than anyone living here. I have adopted the wrong mindset in the process of trying to renew my view of things. You see, that is not the way that the Lord judges things. For some reason this has been so hard for me to grasp. The Lord does not "grade" us, he does not look at what one person does works wise, versus what another person might do. So, maybe, just maybe, the Lord may have for that one person to go overseas and live thier life out for Him in a foriegn country, and for another person they may have them living in New York, in the fashion district, starting real relationships with people who need Him there. The Lord doesn't just love the poor, he loves the rich and greedy as well. So, while I have been scolding myself for my love of fashion and the "nice things" maybe the Lord has put these things in me for a reason. Now... this is not be confused with the fact that at times I can abuse this, and I can make it unhealthy and an idol in my life. This is something that I have to keep myself in check with, or really, the Lord must constantly lead me to confession about. But, maybe me wanting to be an AP English teacher in a more suburban area/district isn't something to be embarrassed about, but rather to be embraced. Maybe the Lord has put that in me for a reason. No maybe about it.
Now, I must preface all this with the fact that no one in my family has made me feel this way, rather I have adopted a ton of different views in the last year without really praying about them and looking them over in a real truthful way. I am just learning how important it is to look for the Lord's will in YoUR life... and not compare yourself to others. You will always fall short, because you are your own worst ememy. Besides... what we bring to the Lord is like "filthy rags", but through his Grace and Will we can show the Lords love, and maybe begin to see things a little more clearly through the looking glass of the Lord.
2. I need to "rest" in Christ in this time. Sadly, I am figuring this out right before the time is almost up... but, nevertheless, He has showed it to me. The two things I need to be doing does not consist of laying in my bed all day worrying about the future. I am to dig deep into his word, and study my butt off for my test. These are the two things that I have been given to do. And I will honor Him by doing these things. Oh, and most of all, TRUST HIM. He has yet to let me down so far ;)
Thanks for listening, I know this was a long post. Love you all so very much.
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