impatience is my middle name.

im a girl who has come to realize that the Lord has brought me to a place where i am not quite comfortable in. i do not like this stage of my life if we are being honest. yes, i am learning a lot, but these lessons are not exactly the easiest lessons i have ever learned. they have come by many, many tears, as well as come with some pain. the Lord has really brought me to a place where my hands feel as if they are completly opened... that I am not trying to cling on to one thing in my life. but here i stand, with arms wide open, and so now, i am facing the hard part. waiting. out of everything that has happened this past year, with all the letting go, learning to let go, trying to realize (and still realizing) that my healing is not always going to be on my terms, and the way my recovery looks is the way the Lord wants it to look, not the way i want it to look... well, lets just say, that has been hard for me. but above all of this, i would venture to say that this waiting game is getting tiresome. i am soooo very tired of waiting. i am tired of being sad. i am tired of Satan using the same old tricks, pushing the same old buttons, and me falling for it everytime. i mean, you think i would wisen up, and seek the Lord hardcore when i see that coming on, but nope, the panic attacks come... but why do they come you ask? because, ashley is not doing what she needs to be doing. she is allowing herself to get caught up in the game i call "lets throw a pityparty for ourselves". i think i like this game because it is all about me. i can listen to music that is so perfectly gloomy, and wallow in what i do not have. it is all so very cliche of a person who is no longer with the person they thought they were suppossed to be with for the rest of thier lives. but.... then, the Lord brings me so lovingly in His arms, and whispers "what are you doing sweet child?" The thing is... i know when i bring out that music, watch that episode of greys anatomy where meridith asks derek to be hers, or decide not to eat breakfast because "i will eat later", i am choosing to wallow. i am choosing to follow what i think will make me feel better, rather than choosing what is better. The Lord. it is so much easier for me to do this. i am lazy. i am extremly predictable, and i am scared to death. i sooo scared of what my future might hold that i keep myself in the past. i try to grasp things that are not there, and use memories to make myself feel better. its all a cycle i do when i get sad, or when things are not going my way, or even more honestly, just when i feel like it. i am sooo very lazy. yes, i seek the Lord, but am i seeking him with all my heart, mind and soul? probably not... do you know why not? because i am choosing creation over creator. i am choosing to relive the past so many times, that the memory becomes as vibrant and real as how pretty and blue the sky was today. i mean really. but here i am, again, frustrated, and noticing the problem. i hate waiting. i mean hate it. but, my goodness, i know there is beauty in the waiting. shoot, i could be waiting for many, many more years, and i am complaining about months. (this is another thing that gets me... when i try to look in the future.) obviously i have a problem with living in the present.

so, hello. my name is ashley. i don't like to live in the present. i like to live in the past, relive it over and over again so i can make myself feel worse, then try to make myself feel better by thinking of the "good times", only to then get confused and wallow in what i think i need, and do not have. i am ungrateful so often for what i have so graciously been given by my creator, and i look to the future for a time when i will not have to be so sad. the most ironic part of it all is, i am the one who is choosing to make myself sad. i am the one choosing to relive things. healing is one thing, but just constantly rehashing things because i can't seem to find anything better to do... that is another.

so, although this is very, very personal, and a maybe on the border line of being too personal, i am going to venture out and put this post on my blog. i feel as though i am not the only one going through a time of waiting right now, and mayvbe you will read this and feel comforted in the least that you have someone else who is right there with you. the Lord is good y'all. yes, i am extremly exhausted. but, the Lord is in the business of revival. this whole sadness thing is very wierd to me, because spiritually, i know He is doing something great. i am just one of the impatient ones. the child that is in the back of the car saying, "are we there yet?" so, although, i know am not there yet, i also know, the Lord does have a plan. Do i want it to be here now? YES. But do know, KNOW, KNOW, KNOW in my soul that the Lord must have me here for a reason. yes. so, thank you Jesus for taking me through this time of impatience, and teaching me some sort of patience. thank you for bringing me to a point where my hand is open, but there is still healing and restoration going on. thank you Lord for your grace and mercy, and for not growing weary of me for being frustrated with you and where i am at. i want so badly to know you in every way possible.


thanks for listening. love you guys.

ash

ps- the book that is currently kicking my butt:
What's a Girl to do? by Janet L. Folger I could not for the life of me get the picture of the book on here, i think my bloggy thing is being wierd.. but here is the link for barnes and noble!! check it out... it is amazing thus far. love, love, love you guys.
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?z=y&EAN=9781590523308&itm=1