Teenagers... I AM GLAD I AM NOT ONE!!

So this week I embarked upon my new substituting job. woooo hoooo, or so my attitude has been about starting this job. however, stepping into the highschool, although fun because i get to play teacher, is also like stepping into the abyss if you are not ready. my gosh, these kids will eat you alive if you are not prepared, or even look the least bit scared. CAN I JUST SAY that I am not 14!! Everyone thinks I look like I am their age... so add that to the list, and you got to be on your toes!!
Thursday was a good day. I had an elective class the first block, and then the rest of the day I had freshman. Not a big deal, they were relatively well-behaved, and were nice. I really enjoyed subbing, and even got to teach a little! SO to myself I am thinking, "Self, those teachers didn't know what they are talking about, subbing is going to be easy! It won't be that bad!!"
And then it happened.
I SPOKE TOO SOON.
figures. so today, i mean, really first block, not bad at all. then off period... totally loving that. then comes in 3rd block. some young girls with a little attitude, boys whispering completly innappropriate stuff about me because i am young... okay, to be expected at first.... then it happened after The Holocaust movie. ATTITUDE was wearing a Hollister Shirt and Abercrombie jeans. Now.... i am all for the girls who choose to do things in school (cheerleading, soccer, volleyball, stu-co, ect.) BUT the minute you use that so-called "popularity power" over somebody, I SNAP. So this young little thing decides she is going to start talking about how all these girls did this BEYOND AWFUL thing to this other girl, and how she loved doing it and would "so do it again" if she had the chance. Then started in about how ugly she was in appearance, ect. Now, she was saying this loud enough for me to hear at my desk, as well as talking about this when others were doing work and she conviently could not work on her hw assignment because she wanted to do it at home. So... I called her out. Thus, she got embarassed. Thus, she had an attitude about EVERYTHING i said for the rest of the day. Can i just say... I DONT CARE, DONT TALK ABOUT PEOPLE and how you want to ruin their lives and how ugly they are if you do not want to be called about. okay, thanks.
thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn the next class comes. they were just loud, and i was in a bad mood from the last class. ya gotta love the kids though, because it is Friday, and they just want to go home. I guess I can put myself in their shoes... but GEEZ.

okay, I guess I am done venting... for now ;) CAN'T WAIT TO ACTUALLY BE A REAL TEACHER with my OWN CLASSROOM!

love you all!

impatience is my middle name.

im a girl who has come to realize that the Lord has brought me to a place where i am not quite comfortable in. i do not like this stage of my life if we are being honest. yes, i am learning a lot, but these lessons are not exactly the easiest lessons i have ever learned. they have come by many, many tears, as well as come with some pain. the Lord has really brought me to a place where my hands feel as if they are completly opened... that I am not trying to cling on to one thing in my life. but here i stand, with arms wide open, and so now, i am facing the hard part. waiting. out of everything that has happened this past year, with all the letting go, learning to let go, trying to realize (and still realizing) that my healing is not always going to be on my terms, and the way my recovery looks is the way the Lord wants it to look, not the way i want it to look... well, lets just say, that has been hard for me. but above all of this, i would venture to say that this waiting game is getting tiresome. i am soooo very tired of waiting. i am tired of being sad. i am tired of Satan using the same old tricks, pushing the same old buttons, and me falling for it everytime. i mean, you think i would wisen up, and seek the Lord hardcore when i see that coming on, but nope, the panic attacks come... but why do they come you ask? because, ashley is not doing what she needs to be doing. she is allowing herself to get caught up in the game i call "lets throw a pityparty for ourselves". i think i like this game because it is all about me. i can listen to music that is so perfectly gloomy, and wallow in what i do not have. it is all so very cliche of a person who is no longer with the person they thought they were suppossed to be with for the rest of thier lives. but.... then, the Lord brings me so lovingly in His arms, and whispers "what are you doing sweet child?" The thing is... i know when i bring out that music, watch that episode of greys anatomy where meridith asks derek to be hers, or decide not to eat breakfast because "i will eat later", i am choosing to wallow. i am choosing to follow what i think will make me feel better, rather than choosing what is better. The Lord. it is so much easier for me to do this. i am lazy. i am extremly predictable, and i am scared to death. i sooo scared of what my future might hold that i keep myself in the past. i try to grasp things that are not there, and use memories to make myself feel better. its all a cycle i do when i get sad, or when things are not going my way, or even more honestly, just when i feel like it. i am sooo very lazy. yes, i seek the Lord, but am i seeking him with all my heart, mind and soul? probably not... do you know why not? because i am choosing creation over creator. i am choosing to relive the past so many times, that the memory becomes as vibrant and real as how pretty and blue the sky was today. i mean really. but here i am, again, frustrated, and noticing the problem. i hate waiting. i mean hate it. but, my goodness, i know there is beauty in the waiting. shoot, i could be waiting for many, many more years, and i am complaining about months. (this is another thing that gets me... when i try to look in the future.) obviously i have a problem with living in the present.

so, hello. my name is ashley. i don't like to live in the present. i like to live in the past, relive it over and over again so i can make myself feel worse, then try to make myself feel better by thinking of the "good times", only to then get confused and wallow in what i think i need, and do not have. i am ungrateful so often for what i have so graciously been given by my creator, and i look to the future for a time when i will not have to be so sad. the most ironic part of it all is, i am the one who is choosing to make myself sad. i am the one choosing to relive things. healing is one thing, but just constantly rehashing things because i can't seem to find anything better to do... that is another.

so, although this is very, very personal, and a maybe on the border line of being too personal, i am going to venture out and put this post on my blog. i feel as though i am not the only one going through a time of waiting right now, and mayvbe you will read this and feel comforted in the least that you have someone else who is right there with you. the Lord is good y'all. yes, i am extremly exhausted. but, the Lord is in the business of revival. this whole sadness thing is very wierd to me, because spiritually, i know He is doing something great. i am just one of the impatient ones. the child that is in the back of the car saying, "are we there yet?" so, although, i know am not there yet, i also know, the Lord does have a plan. Do i want it to be here now? YES. But do know, KNOW, KNOW, KNOW in my soul that the Lord must have me here for a reason. yes. so, thank you Jesus for taking me through this time of impatience, and teaching me some sort of patience. thank you for bringing me to a point where my hand is open, but there is still healing and restoration going on. thank you Lord for your grace and mercy, and for not growing weary of me for being frustrated with you and where i am at. i want so badly to know you in every way possible.


thanks for listening. love you guys.

ash

ps- the book that is currently kicking my butt:
What's a Girl to do? by Janet L. Folger I could not for the life of me get the picture of the book on here, i think my bloggy thing is being wierd.. but here is the link for barnes and noble!! check it out... it is amazing thus far. love, love, love you guys.
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?z=y&EAN=9781590523308&itm=1

Lets Get UPDATED... Pics FiNaLLY!!

This is from last weekend! Two of the loves of my life, Robin and Elise, all hung out after church. These girls have been soooooo helpful and just such a blessing in my life!! This is us after eating at Palio's!!! Yummy to my Tummy!!!!!!! This was the Friday before last!! We were playing around before we went out to eat and had a girls night!!! We had some amazing wine that night called Ecco Domini I believe!! It was also very good!! Elise looks tough! Watch out now ;)

This weekend, My cousin Gena (well 2nd cousin, she is my moms 1st cousin) came to visit us in Houston!! This is John, Ryan, Gena and little baby Dylan!! SOOOOO CUTE!! We love them! Ryan was a hoot, and Dylan is SUCH a well-behaved baby!! Doesn't Gena Look BEAUTIFUL!

Here is my Dylan and I!!!! I got some of my baby fix in!! It was great!! LOVE THEM! (im not a baby stalker, i just love little ones!! promise!)

On Friday night, Mom and I played with the newest addition to our family, ROCKY, while we waited for Daddy to get home!!

Here is ROCKY the ROCKSTAR!! yess... we have come up with a lot of different nicknames!! He is ohhh sooo cute, don't ya think? He looks a lot like Kujoe, but he is a little bit more stout.

And again. This pic may gross you out bc he is licking me, so sorry if it does!!

Well, sweet friends, that is about it!! My mom made some amazing food, so im about to go chow down!! Love you all!!

Ashie

Random Thoughts

I am currently at home (aka Spring, Texas) and I am sitting on the couch, with the new puppy at the end of it sleeping, and also waking every few minutes because of how hard it is raining and thundering outside. The new puppy does not belong to me... no, its my mom's and dad's and it is oh, so cute. I still miss Ku-joe though. :) The rain is soo calming, I wish I had a book with me, and that way I could just settle one in and read. Oh well though, lets just be honest... i'd like to be lazy and watch t.v., but the dish is out due to the HUGE storm we are having outside.

anywhoooooo... earlier I was in a major "write on my blog" mood, but then the mood passed, and also was not around the computer, thus, you are about to get to read a list of my random thoughts just for the sake of posting! ;)

1. The interview with MacArthur HS went very well this week!! If nothing else comes of it, it was at least encouraging!!!!
2. I love coffee. we already knew this, but i mean, it is just one of Gods gifts to humans in my opinion. Geez, Louise its good. I actually tried a new coffee this week from a place Lauren told me about, I think its called Texas Roast.... anyways, the boys there had me try this mocha they had. Are you ready for what flavors it had in it???? PREPARE YOURSELF.... it had dark chocolate, a hint of vanilla, and get ready.... chile!! ummmmm, wierd, yet delightfully tasty. although, once i found out it had chile flavoring in it (powder, i am guessing?) i decided my eyes were watering and my tounge was burning, when lets just be honest... I think it was all in my head! ha.
3. I want to give a little SHOUT OUT to my sweet new friend LAUREN WILLIAMS!!!! Not only was she sooooo encouraging to me this week, but she really just listened to me, and prayed over me, and just was really there. Thanks girl, LOVE YOU! (Lauren also tried the coffee, and seemed to like it. I don't think it made her eyes water... he he)
4. I will be posting pictures of the new Puppy, ROCKY, very soon. I am just too lazy to get out the camera cord right now... so look back soon! he is cute, he kind of looks like a raccoon, which may seem wierd, but hes adorable.
5. The Lord is so faithful. I think so often when I get in times of just pure falling on my face, and getting picked back up by the Lord, sometimes i get caught up in what is not happening to me, that i get sidetracked from seeing the Lord's hand and grace in everything he has brought me through as well as the journey that I am on at the moment. Whether I am sad, happy, or just anxious, the Lord is still the Lord. He loves this mess that is me, and He knows my hurt. This is sometimes hard for me to grasp, and I think at times when I am not seeing healing in the way that I would like to see that healing, I often get mad at the Lord. Well, maybe more frustrated, than mad. Then, I try to tell the Lord what I THINK that He should be doing with my life. ha ha... the Lord is good, bc he still loves me just as much when i am seeking him with all I have, or when I am simply ignoring life in general and everything it entails. Bottom line, He is good. I have no clue where the Lord is going to have me 3, 6, or even 12 months from now, but I know he has my best intrest in mind, and that He will be glorified in it. Thank you Jesus for your soverienty!!!
6. I like the show Man vs. Wild. Bear Grylls is hardcore.
7. I think I am starting to want a Cocker Spaniel doggy. Hmmm.... we will see!!
8. The Lord has taught me sooooo much this week, and it was a hard week, but HE is good!! Hallelujah!!

Well, friends and family, I love you. I am going to pay attention to Bear Grylls now bc the T.V. is working!! yah!!!! :)

peace. ;)
ps- excuse the spelling errors. i know i spelt many things wrong, and i don't feel like checking, and yes... i want to be an english teacher, but i just don't care. sorry! love you all. :)

Sadness is a wierd thing.

Sadness. I think it can sideswipe you when you are least expecting it. it comes, and then there it is, and there is not always something that you can do about it. i've been having quite a few of those moments lately. i realize that this is fairly common with all the changes that you go through after you graduate.. but, im ready for something. what that something is, i am not quite sure. all i know is that the Lord gives you what you need, when you need it, and that is never to be questioned. tonight i think that i was given something that i needed, and although it did not necessarily make anything (the situation) better or worse, it did make me feel better. i know this is vague, so it may not make sense, but i am thankful. thankful for the sadness, and thankful for times of learning, thankful for the moments when i don't know anything. i am sad. but, i think it is okay. i know eventually the sadness will go away, and things will get better, or different anyways and i will find normalcy within that different. but for right now, i am going to keep trying to be consistent with seeking the Lord's face and trying to understand that where he has me, and what has happened in this last year there is a reason for. which i know, there is a reason for it... i just don't know what it is. so until then, i will do my best, and make it through- not on my own, but, I will make it through.

Ko-Joe

Our puppy died today. Last night he evidently started throwing up constantly, and my mom took him to the vet the next morning. Come to find out, he was very sick, and we had to put him down. I know some people might find this dumb... to love a puppy so much. My family kind of makes our dogs part of our family. My mom calls them our "brothers", I mean, we don't put them above the needs of the humans in our family, but we do consider them very, very important. Ko-Joe has gone through three name changes since we got him, and he was sort of special to me bc we got him when I was making some major decisions. Most of all, I am worried about my mom. She is taking it hard. She was the one who mainly took care of him, and he lived with them, so if you could just pray for her, that would be awesome. It is not her fault at all that he died, he has been a sick puppy regardless of how close we watched him, or what meds we gave him, but I fear she blames herself. So, please, please pray for her. Her name is Sheri, and she is the best mom EVER.

I am going to post some pics of Ko-Joe. He was so sweet, yet so spunky. He would lick ya at first, and then he would want to bite. He still had baby teeth to lose. He would run so fast we would have to all swarm around the den in order to catch him. He had a high-pitched bark that was annoying, yet endearing at times. He sat like a person. No joke. He didn't really like cameras, I think it was the flash, so we never really captured the sitting like a human, but he did. Most of all, he made all of us smile. We loved him.

I am FLaKY sometimes...

do you ever remember the episode of friends, when Phoebe is commenting on all the charactersitics of her "friends". She calls Rachel flaky, and Monica obsessive, and so on and so forth. I am the "flaky" friend sometimes. I hate talking on the phone sometimes, but yet, I complain when I haven't spoken to someone in a while. Its sort of ridiculous, and I am now taking full responsibility for it. The good/funny thing is that I think that my closest friends realize this about me, and still find it in their hearts to love me, call me out when needed, and love me through all of my "flakiness". One thing I have noticed about my little flaky self is that I am a TON more flaky when there are a million things going on in my head. My mind goes back and forth from wanting to be with people, to wanting to shut myself up in my room never to have human contact again. (okay, maybe that is a little dramatic.. but you get the jest)

Today is one of my flaky days. I don't really know what I want, but I know what I SHOULD have been doing today. I should have been in the word, and really digging in deep into what the Lord wants to speak to me, but instead, I have chosen to be lazy and lay on the couch. I don't have any more interviews this week, and so I have decided that today should be my "lazy" day, when, lets just face it, almost everyday is my lazy day at the moment......
One thing I do really look forward to is Thursdays. I am involved in the Recovery Ministry at the church, and it is just an amazing time of worship, teaching, confession and support. I even look forward to the drive. I get my alone, Let's worship Jesus time, or my lets blast the music and think time. Its nice either way :)

A little update, and then I must go because I am meeting someone for dinner. This week has been awesome, as in the fact that I have two interviews next week!! Hootie Hootie Hoo!! :) I have one interview at MacArthur High School on Monday at 11am, and then an interview for a long term sub position at a Charter School that is located in Dallas. The long-term sub position would be for the rest of this year, and the HS position I am interviewing for is for the following school year!! So, if you could keep me in your prayers next week, it would be greatly appreciated!!

Well I must go now. Thanks for listening to my ramblings, The Lord is so good to us, and I am so thankful for that!! Love you all!! :)

Sweet Days with my Creator

The Lord gave me a thought today, that throughout the day progressed into a true revelation from Him. You know those gentle still whispers that you know only come from our Sweet Lord. It was that constantly, all day long. It was nice. His fellowship on days like these makes the bad days seem as though they have never happened. (not bad days necessarily with God, but just my selfish, progressive sinful days, which happen a lot more than not.)
I must back up. I have been doing a lot of searching for what the Lord's will for my life is, especially in this time of "rest" that he has given me before I get my job. This has been hard for me. I do not like to "rest", and I will practically do anything I can, in order not to rest. In the past when I cannot control things, I have controlled them by other sinful means, so that I may feel some sort of control. This made it where it was easy to feel "okay", or at least "better" about things because I let myself believe the lie that I was in control through my sinful behavior. Now that this particular behavior has been brought to light, and I am really trying not to do it anymore, sins and issues that I did not even know that I dealt with have come to light. It is not the prettiest picture, and it is hard sometimes not to just want to lie in bed and cover myself up with the pretty ruby colored down comforter on mattress and silently pray for the storm to pass. (and yes, i must say, unfortunatly, i have done this since graduation.) I find myself searching for peace and understanding, but not going to the person who can help me to understand. i procrastinate because i do not want to even begin to walk on the road ahead, because i do not want to fail. i hate to fail. i like to please people, and most of all, myself. one of my friends pointed out something to me the other day, that i felt was right in front of me all along, yet when she said it, it made it stick. "don't you think that if you were to fail your teaching test, or not get a teaching job, that the Lord probably has another plan for your life?" And there in lies the truth. I am not in control. My sweet Lord and Savior is, and I so desperatly need Him to be the one that controls my life, yet I so often take my eyes off Him to see what I can do. How I can change things, how I can take on the world, in all my strength. Are you hearing a common theme here... "I". Thats right, I am a whole lot of selfish.
Now, to what I feel like the Lord has revealed to me:
1. I really want to live more misionally. I want to serve others and live like Jesus did. I want to be like those people who drop everything and move to Africa and help the children that are HIV positive and tell them about Jesus and His love. I want to really see my depravity on a whole different playing field. As much as I want this, and I really do think it is important for me to get away at some point in my life and go see the world, and the people who do buy a cup of coffee that costs $5 on a daily basis, I have also realized that may not be what the Lord has put in my heart. There are lost people here too. I so often get on this kick, that people who are missionaries are such better people than anyone living here. I have adopted the wrong mindset in the process of trying to renew my view of things. You see, that is not the way that the Lord judges things. For some reason this has been so hard for me to grasp. The Lord does not "grade" us, he does not look at what one person does works wise, versus what another person might do. So, maybe, just maybe, the Lord may have for that one person to go overseas and live thier life out for Him in a foriegn country, and for another person they may have them living in New York, in the fashion district, starting real relationships with people who need Him there. The Lord doesn't just love the poor, he loves the rich and greedy as well. So, while I have been scolding myself for my love of fashion and the "nice things" maybe the Lord has put these things in me for a reason. Now... this is not be confused with the fact that at times I can abuse this, and I can make it unhealthy and an idol in my life. This is something that I have to keep myself in check with, or really, the Lord must constantly lead me to confession about. But, maybe me wanting to be an AP English teacher in a more suburban area/district isn't something to be embarrassed about, but rather to be embraced. Maybe the Lord has put that in me for a reason. No maybe about it.
Now, I must preface all this with the fact that no one in my family has made me feel this way, rather I have adopted a ton of different views in the last year without really praying about them and looking them over in a real truthful way. I am just learning how important it is to look for the Lord's will in YoUR life... and not compare yourself to others. You will always fall short, because you are your own worst ememy. Besides... what we bring to the Lord is like "filthy rags", but through his Grace and Will we can show the Lords love, and maybe begin to see things a little more clearly through the looking glass of the Lord.
2. I need to "rest" in Christ in this time. Sadly, I am figuring this out right before the time is almost up... but, nevertheless, He has showed it to me. The two things I need to be doing does not consist of laying in my bed all day worrying about the future. I am to dig deep into his word, and study my butt off for my test. These are the two things that I have been given to do. And I will honor Him by doing these things. Oh, and most of all, TRUST HIM. He has yet to let me down so far ;)

Thanks for listening, I know this was a long post. Love you all so very much.