he forgives...

plans are something that i have come to realize do not always work out.  whether it was a life plan you have had since you were five, or the plan that you made five minutes ago....plans dont always seem to work out just the way we want them.  yes, we can scheme and hope that our heavy-laden plans work out, but when it comes down to it i think that "our" plans dont always seem to be his plans.  reflection while moving on seems to be the name of the game for me these days.  looking at what i know i have been told and moving forward with that word and trying (trying being the key word because i suck at it...) to be believe in what i know i have been told.  i have also begun to decipher between the words know and think or feel.  my heart is such a land mine at times, if triggered or stepped upon in the wrong way, can and will explode in any given moment.  but its not the kind of explosion where it ends up all over the other people around you... it is more of an internal land mine that at any moment can switch off and blow me to pieces for a given moment.  

there is a way for this not to happen... its just finding out what that is.  pressing into the lord i obviously the main ingredient...but with that has to come faith.  has to come belief.  where i do have belief... my heart and my head dont always seem to agree with that notion.  my mind knows what it is right...but my heart is wayward.  i dont even know what i want, yet i act like a little child when i dont have what i think i could possibly want at that point in time.  when somebody says something it triggers me to think and mull over the possiblilites and the thinking behind the statement that has been said to me.  even if it is in a flippant manner i take it in such a way that i take it as what i should be thinking or doing... which is not right.  i take what people say a lot of the times as much as serious as what the lord says... if not, even more honestly, more seriously than what the lord says.  this is sad for me.  it makes me uncomfortable and feel angry at myself for letting that happen.  fear of man is what some people call it... i call it sin.  i am so easily distracted, and satan knows that.  my very core of my heart and soul and mind want to abandon everything for the Lord, yet i get scared in so many sectors of my life without even realizing it.  i let it rule me, instead of trusting and believing that the lord who has brought me to this place, will finish out the work that he has so meticulously started.  i write all this because i know that there are probably people who may go through this similar thing.  we know what is right... we know what we need to do... we know what we have been taught about our Lord, but sometimes we have a hard time believing it.  we are like peter... doubting in the most crucial of times.  the encouraging thing about peter is that Christ still loved him.  Christ loved him and singled him out even when he knew what Peter was going to do to him... deny him, curse him.  although i desire not be compared to peter... at my very core i am peter.  loving christ with all my heart, but at times, when i get scared, i deny his plan.  

this blog is going to be kind of open-ended.  i know God is good... that he is better, and in most areas of my life i have really tried to recklessly abandon so much for his name, yet there are still some areas, i am finding out, i have my fist so tightly clenched around that it is detrimental to my soul.  i know the Lord will work with me to unclench my fist, but oh, how i long for it to happen without bruises, hurts and growing pains.  there is beauty in the journey though... i must remember that.

Consuming fire, fan into flame, a passion for your name.... Lord have your way....

more than that we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope and hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.

hebrews 10:22

God is better.  Love you guys.

some updates :)

1.  first of all.... i was going to post some of my favorite upcoming fall favorites, but somehow it did not work!  booo!  and i do not know how to delete that last post which i accidently posted, so sorry about that for all you onlookers!! :)

2.  i am currently in the process of going through ECAP, my alternative certification program, and i am enjoying it for the most part! ;)  i have made some new friends, so that has been a lot of fun, and one of my favorites from college is in my classes, Lauren, which has been a total blessing and a half!! 

3.  Penelope.  oh, how i love my sweet little pup, but my goodness she was a little cantankerous this weekend to say the least!  can i just tell you she decided it would be good to find my computer cord that goes from my blackberry to my mac and chew it up.  ohhhhh penelope.  then she found one of my sweaters!  Evidently the girl does not know YOU DONT MESS WITH MY CLOTHES.  she went to jail for a few hours... aka her kennel.  (before you report me to PETA, let me just say, she was fine.  it was simply because i was a bit frustrated and i did not want her chewing up some more important items!)  Nevertheless, i love her so.  she is the sweetest thing most of the time and keeps me company in my apartment.

4.  I will be starting work at Arlington High School in two weeks!  TWO WEEKS!  I am getting pretty nervous if we are being honest... but I know that everything will be okay. I am excited about working with the girls, and getting to teach Sophomore level English!  I do, however, have to float this year!  AKA, have to share a classroom with 3 other people.  That is what makes me the most nervous.... i can be organized in a contained space but to have to travel to 3 different spots?  I have to have a cart....the kids will call me cart lady.... haha, oh goodness.  The Lord is trying to teach me patience and constantly checking me about grumbling lately, so may i just state for the record this is not me complaining but merely voicing my concerns.  he he :)  (The Lord is still working on the grumbling!)

5.  About the Lord, HE IS SO GOOD!  How sweet is the Lord.  Man, the Lord has been showing me a lot through his Truth, and I am so thankful for that.  Not that every day has been rosy by any means, but I feel so undeserving to have such an amazing God who chooses to share his Truth with me and allow my heart to feel his presence and for things to connect the way they have been.  He is healing so many parts of my heart and breaking so many other parts to get me to see the junk that is blocking me from realizing and applying his truth!  Now a week ago i might not have seen this as amazing, but the Lord has done a lot in a week!  Praise Jesus for his sweet grace!  

6.  My sweet little cheerleading girls get to be on TV tomorrow!  Woo!  They will be on the show "Nashville Star"! One of the final contestants went to Arlington High School so she is filming a concert there!  The girls are so cute and excited!  So pray for me tomorrow... i am sure many of them will be wanting to show out a little and I will be watching over all our little angels- Freshman, JV and VARSITY!  ha.... I'm sure it will be great, and I know they are excited!  It is an amazing experience for all of them!  

Well that is all I have for today!  Just felt like bloggin ;)  Hope you like my new little playlist on here!  Wooo!  

New Fashion Wants!

Who I Am...

Something I saw on another blog and thought would be fun... plus I wanted to tag a bunch of people because i thought it would be interesting!! Sooo... I tag Lauren Williams, Elise, Rob, Cari, Michelle Sanders, Lauren Barksdale, and Steph Orr! LOve you guys! 

i am:  a contemplator.  a deep thinker.  a reader.  a dreamer.  

i think: i am right most of the time, or until proven wrong. that love should be something that is widely spread.  that lying is something that should not be looked at lightly.   

i know: that jesus is my savior.  that the lord has me right where he wants me.  that i am a bad driver.  that i shouldn't talk on the phone or text when i drive...

i want: to live a meaningful life.  to be an amazing teacher and coach.  to go to africa someday to love on children and adults.  to find my soulmate :)  my laundry to do itself and then fold itself :)

i have: a coffee addiction.  a shopping addiction.  a new puppy.  a love for fashion.  amazing friends that would rock your world.  a desire to go to NEW YORK in Autumn.

i wish:  that i could be content in every stage of life without thinkin about it!  that my favorite latte from the bagel shop could be transported to me at any time i wanted it.  i wasn't such a bad driver.  that i could find a way to share the gospel with everyone i encounter.  everyone could know the love that i have found in my sweet jesus.  i wasn't selfish and unreasonable at times.  

i hate: rudeness.  meanness. when people lie.  when people are malicious.  when people honk.  when things are not organized.  when people don't consider others feelings before themselves. 

i miss: having long hair.  my best friends who have moved.  living close to my parents and brother. living with girls... at times.  ;) being competley financially depedent on my parents.  ha.

i feel: sleepy.  overwhelmed, yet encouraged.  loved.

i crave:  deep meaningful relationships.  getting to know my sweet jesus better.  coffee from iris bagel and coffee shop.  pumpkin spice lattes from starbucks and christmas music  YEAR AROUND!  

i search: for great coffee shops.  amazing chapsticks. new books,  skin remedies.  jeans that make you your bootie look good! :)

i wonder: what the next year will look like.  if i will be a good teacher.  

i regret:  nothing.  (or try not to anyways...)

i love:  my jesus.  my family.  my friends.  my church.  lattes.  my puppy penelope.  a comfy bed.  down comforters.  love.  bubble baths.  hanging out with the people i love.

i care: about people.  how you are doing.  how my family is.

i am not: someone who really likes to cook.  a great driver.  a good mathematician.  

i believe: that everything happens for a reason.  

i dance: around the house.  in the car.  to rap music... to any music.  when no one is looking.

i sing: in the car.  loud in the shower.  everywhere.

I laugh: a lot. at myself.  well, at pretty much anything.  (great odds, if you want someone to laugh at your jokes...find me.  hehe)

i cry: more than i used to.  at sappy love scenes.  more as a i get older.  

i don’t always:  understand.  clean my car as i should.  

i write: to do lists.  in my journal.  in the margins of my bible.  on my blog.  in the books i read.  

i lose:  my keys all the time.  

i never:  am on time.  

i listen: to lots of different kinds of music.  to my friends.  to my family.

i can usually be found: reading.  writing.  planning.  at my favorite coffee shop.

i am scared:  of criminals.  of heights.  of late night news casts.  my friends or family not knowing the Lord.  

i need: love.  hugs.  coffee.  intellectual stimulation.  friends.  family.  jesus.  

i can’t wait: to see what the lord is going to do in my life.  to teach english.  until i go shopping again! ;)  to go to new york someday.  for christmas to get here again.  for it to be ugg weather.  

Little Miss. Unfaithful

there is something in the writing down of my thoughts and feelings that seem to calm my spirit.  I don't know why that is, because much of what I write are ramblings that do not always make sense, but still... something about being able to write it down helps me process.

i am having a hard time with what i feel like the lord is telling me right now.  funny how i can be so thankful for where he has brought me from and still have the audacity to not fully trust him in everything i feel i am hearing from him.  distractions are so easy to have, or rather, i am so easily distracted.  even when i feel the lord is telling me something, and i know in my soul what i am hearing, i can still get thrown off by the voices of outside opinions.  i am the one who asks for the opinions though, and they really are appreciated... but why can't i just take the Lord at his word?  

even when we are faithless, he is still faithful-- for he cannot deny himself.  2 Timothy 2:13.  Although i know this verse, and it has captivated my heart and blows me away every time i read it, i really have a desire to be completely faithful to the Lord.  to understand his will above all others and live it out unapologetically.  the problem with that is, well, me.  i am prideful.  i dont want to get hurt, i want to protect myself.  i mean... i need to right?  WRONG.   if anyone is looking out for my heart, that would be my sweet jesus, and where i know that, it is like i get on this track of wanting to please people and please myself so at times i do things that do not represent or really go along with what the lord is showing me.  (i have learned in recovery that this is called fear of man.  more on that later ;))  

its funny when the lord starts to reveal something to you though... because it seems to keep unraveling every which way you turn.  you start to see his grace and humor in the things around you.  i personally do not believe in coincidences, so i love when the lord does this.  i think it comes in all different forms too... maybe you may think that is silly, but i really believe that the lord can show him through anything that he so chooses.  i desire to seek him, and see that his love is DEEP and ABIDING and will NEVER leave me even if i so choose to leave it.  

I am doing a Beth Moore study called "Jesus the one and only" and today she asked us to describe what Jesus means to us.  What comes to mind when we think about Jesus?  Wow... although I am usually one of many words, it was hard for me express what Jesus was.  Nothing is sufficient... so I wrote Love.  His love, grace, and mercy transcends all things and so much more than our brains can comprehend.  That is another reason i think the lord is so cool... just when i think i am starting to figure out this whole relationship thing out with him, he completely catches me off guard and presents something that i have never seen before.  i love that.  i love that he continues to teach when i am unfaithful.  i love that he still loves me at the end of the day even when i doubt.  i love that he sees when my heart is breaking and comforts me about the same thing that he has to comfort me about for the past year.  i love that he listens to my requests when it comes to, well, anything.  he is so gracious.  

so, you would think at this point i would just be jumping up and down on a couch professing my love for Christ like Tom Cruise did for Katie Holmes on Oprah (i know, weak comparison... that was more for laughs ;)) but yet i still get down about things and make them about me and not about me.  can we say idolatrous, selfish, prideful, ect?  I am notorious for putting myself above the lord when i really am not even trying to.  this is something that i must constantly watch and seek the lord about because trying to find more of myself will not give me more of christ.  wherever more of christ is, that is what i desire.

i need to go to sleep now, thank you for listening, my soul yearns...

Singing a New Song...

Disclaimer:  About to get somewhat personal on this blog... or about as personal as I would get to the blogging world, so if you are not ready for that please do not proceed with reading :)

Yesterday was a year since my engagement was broken off.  I had known that this date was coming and really did not know how I was going to react to the day when it actually got here.  Where i know that seems like such a long time, this past year has been full of ups and downs and really, nothing that I expected.  Even tonight, as I sit here on the new love seat (to me anyways, my parents gave it to me) while my sweet puppy is chewing on her bone with glee, I would not have imagined myself in this position a year ago.... let alone six months ago.  The Lord has brought me to places that I never thought I would be, but within that has come such joy and trust that I did not have in the Lord before.  So, although my heart has been broken, the Lord is repairing it.  He has continued to woo me and romance me in the wonderful relationship that we have today.  He has allowed me to see his grace is so many avenues, avenues that I would have never thought would have opened up.  And although I am not in the place that I thought I would be as a 22 year-old, I am grateful.  I am grateful that his plans are far better than I could have planned for.  I am thankful for the hope that he has that perfect mate for me out there somewhere.  That He has something far better than I could possibly imagine, and that He has allowed me to mature through Him in this past year.  I am happy that I am different from who I was.  I am happy that maturity has happened through the pain... and this joy that can only be found in the Lord has really bombarded my life.  I am thankful that when I hear a love song, the Lord allows me to hear about his sweet grace, that my love story is being written by my Savior... and it is with Him.  :)  

Now, where I would like to say that I am 1o0% healed of my broken-heartedness, I would be lying... however, where I am from where I was is something only of the Lord.  And I am working on really trying wholeheartedly giving everything over to Him and dying to myself daily to see his full glory at work in my life.  I am soo thankful that he is patient with me and still wants me to be His even after he has seen me at my absolute worse.  I have had every emotion under the sun this past year with everything that has went on... from guilt to anger to devastation to doubt, yet he has hung with me.  He has reassured me of his love.  He has showed me there is nothing under the sun that is better or more fulfilling than a relationship with him.  How precious these hard times have been... how precious is it to have a Savior that truly listens and shares in your hurts with you.  A Savior who loves your through the doubt and anger and who knew even before you were born what would be in my life.  How Sweet it is to be loved by you, Sweet Jesus.  

I am learning a lot about the Lords love right now... his grace, and most of all, how the Lord is not legalistic with his love, grace, or goodness.  The more I learn, the more I want to know... the more I see his grace in mine, and my sweet friends lives, the more convinced I am of his promise and his right to the trust that he asks of us.  This year has been a year of trust, which at many times I was terrible at.  Constantly asking the Lord is he is sure?  If he really thinks this is the right thing for my life... maybe I heard wrong.  Maybe I am just being silly, or inconsiderate, or selfish.... which I am MANY of those things MUCH of the time... but the Lord has had such patient reassurance in what He has told me.  He is showing me a lot about Trust, and how different His Trust is from what we could possibly know as Human beings.  He is not a God who disappoints but a God who knows what is best for us... through grief, anger, hurt, good times, bad times... he longs to be with us.... to share in our sufferings, to give us joy even though we have done NOTHING to deserve it.  This has been another big thing for me this year... the undeserving grace that he so lavishly pours onto us.  That is a hard concept, and I think it is something for someone who can be as judgmental as I am to accept.  I more tend to lean on the legalistic side, so the teaching of this concept has been a hard thing to learn, and I believe He is still not done teaching me... but He has shown me a lot in this area as well and I am thankful.  

So, in a way, this is a huge milestone for me.  A realization of sorts that although has been a year in the making, today, has hit me over the head with such force that it is hard to deny.  

Thank you sweet Jesus for this year of hardship and learning and grace and goodness.  You are good and far better than I can possibly comprehend.

Thank you sweet friends for listening this year, for sitting with me while I have cried and allowed me to sob in disbelief of where the Lord was taking me.  For listening to me gripe, rejoice and everything in between.  Thank you to my girls from church, for allowing me to feel like a family... for seeing Christ's beauty and grace in my hurting and helping me to see His grace and hand in all of it.   I have developed some amazing friendships this past year, and where I know it is normal to do this when it is new years, I felt today was the day for this post.

You know how some things just stir your affections for the Lord?  One of the things that stirs my affections for the Lord is music.  Everything about it, the melodies, the lyrics the voice that carries the tune...oh, I just love it!  One song in particular today has really made me think and rejoice, so below I have put the lyrics.  I hope you can enjoy it as much as I have today!

Arithmetic by Brooke Fraser

I've been staring at the sky tonight, marveling in passing time.  wondering what to do with daylight until I can make you mine.  You are the one I want, you are the one I want.

I've been thinking of changing my mind, it never stays the same for long, but of all the things that I know for sure you are the only certain one.  you are the one I want, you are the one I want.  I've been counting up all my wrongs, one sorry for each stop, see id apologize my way to you if the heavens stretched that far.  because you are the one i want, you are the one i want.  

i wont find what i am looking for if i see by keeping score because i know now you are so much more than arithmetic. because if i add, if i subtract, if i give it all and start to take some back i have forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact that you are the son.  so you are the one i want.  when the years are showing on my face and my strongest days are gone and when my heart and flesh depart this place from a life that has sung your song.  you'll still the be one i want, you'll still be the one i want.... you'll still be the one I want!  

Update on Life in Pictures!

My best friends and loves: Elise and Robin!
My other best friend, Ryan!  
Another one of my loves, Audrey!  She is my cousins little girl, and is the CUTEST thing ever!
My new puppy, Penelope, who keeps me company in my new apartment!
Cheer Camp 2008!  Freshman won the Spirit Stick!  WOOO HOOO!
We won some ribbons!  Way to go girls!
They crack me up... I love them!
End of Day 2....tired.
Haley hurt her ankle tumbling, so we documented the event!  Love her!
Me and the other cheer sponsors!
Some of my girls...
Some more....
And more.... ;)
Bjer came for a visit!  I LOVE HIM!  He loves me too...can you tell! he he :)
more to come....didn't want to overwhelm you though!