Are emotions the way of our hearts telling us what we desperatly need to hear, or are they something that get in the way of what we actually need to be doing? Is it necessary to have that "stomach flip" to know something is right? Or is it the thinking part of the equation that gets one the right descion. I wonder that quite frequently, espeically lately. There are many descions that are coming up.. and even more to come as I get out of school, and get a job, ect. These are scary descions... descions that will determine the rest of my life... or so I think. One wrong move... and poof, I'm going down the drain. (Now, you may thinking, wait! Ash has gone off the deep end! No, no my friends, do not fret!) That is the human side of what I am thinking. ME, me, me, me, me.... what about me? Then on Sunday, like a load of bricks... I am hit with the heavy burden of.. am I being selfish and or prideful. For one... this life is not about me, never has, and never will. It is about my Savior who died on the Cross for my sins... it is for his glorification. Yet.. I worry about what will happen in the next five minutes, and how it will determine my future. Now the question at hand is... How do I get outside of this thinking? I am a natural born planner.. I mean I love to plan.. color-coding, calendars... (I mean I have five calendars HANGING UP in my room... some would call that a bit obsessive), but this is what I like to do. I like to have a plan.. I do not like unknowns... in fact, I think unknowns are silly. I think it is important to know what is going to happen in the future, plan for it, and have A and B solutions in case plan A does not work out. I like to think through ways to handle things, so in the future if that particular situation does come about.. I will handle it with the grace, and love that I need to. Does that always happen... no! But, yet, I still plan. So much so, I take others and thier needs and care out of the equation some time. There are some that disagree with this, and say that I consider others feelings way too much.. which I tend to do as well. So the big question is... Where is the balance? Where does the trusting God part come in.. and knowing that he will provide everything I need for every situation... the right things will be, he is not going to take me down a path where he will not take care of me. But, I fret. I worry, I worry myself sick. I get nervous, I do not want to eat... So many things to think about.. to plan.
I guess all this to say that I need to find a balance. It can only come from the Lord, and I know that.. but I have a hard time trusting that and knowing that will come about without my help. Which is about the MOST silly and PRIDFUL thing EVER! (just so everyone that is reading this knows, it is not exactly gramatically correct.. just trying to write my feelings down.)
So where do I end this blog? I think I will end it with NO ending.. just for the simple fact of.. I have no clue what to do..... I don't know where to start to trust... Do I read more, Do I need to spend more time with the Lord, Do I need to rest in his presence..... now quite sure yet, All I know is that he will lead in due time!
Love you all
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