Home for Clarity

I have gone home to Houston to gain a little perspective, and hopefully gain some clarity. School has been crazy... literally. I feel like I have no time to do anything. I need to clean my apartment so badly, deep clean, but I also have to study. And there is my personal life... getting older is hard. I am just not a big fan of it... but then again, I do not think I want to be 16 again. No way jose!! ha ha..
Tonight I went with my daddy to Barnes and Nobles and got a few books. This weekends goal: have some GREAT family time, read a LOT, and just get in the word! Tonight I got the books: Velvet Elvis (one of my really good friends told me it was amazing), Becoming Who God Intended by David Eckman, and Let me be Woman by Elisabeth Elliot. I am hoping to gain some perspective for with these books as well. A lofy goal, but worth trying. ;)
The passage that I am really trying to focus on right now is Jeremiah 17:5-10. This has really been making me think, and actually, I was brought to this passage last summer... which if interesting and bit ironic. Anyways, verse 9 says "The heart is decietful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" I guess the thing that I am really wrestling with is does that mean that emotions of the heart are bad... and if they are where is the line of good and bad. Of coarse I know that there are some emotions that can drag some "simple" situation into a larger and more "complicated" one, but at the same time.. are the feelings warranted? I guess, so far, my answer to this question is... I am not quite sure yet. I think that if you are in the word, and really, REALLY trying to follow what the Lord's will is, he will somehow give you clarity, or a peace of mind or something. I know there are dry times, but I just think that either way, God has a plan, and he is soveriegn, so his plan will previal. And then I think.. well I get WAY too carried away on emotions, and sometimes do not look at the truth enough. (or at least, this is what I have been told, so thus, I am trying to evaluate that as well.) Anyways, that is just what my heart is wrestling with right now. I am excited about what the Lord is teaching me, or at least I am trying to be :)
If you are reading this please pray for clarity of mind for me... and that I will trust in the Lord COMPLETLY. There is obviously a sector in my life I am not completly giving to the Lord, and I think he is showing me that. Scary.. he he :) But God is good!!

It is well, It is well, It is well with my soul!!
Love you guys, goodnight!

My mind goes a mile a minute....

Are emotions the way of our hearts telling us what we desperatly need to hear, or are they something that get in the way of what we actually need to be doing? Is it necessary to have that "stomach flip" to know something is right? Or is it the thinking part of the equation that gets one the right descion. I wonder that quite frequently, espeically lately. There are many descions that are coming up.. and even more to come as I get out of school, and get a job, ect. These are scary descions... descions that will determine the rest of my life... or so I think. One wrong move... and poof, I'm going down the drain. (Now, you may thinking, wait! Ash has gone off the deep end! No, no my friends, do not fret!) That is the human side of what I am thinking. ME, me, me, me, me.... what about me? Then on Sunday, like a load of bricks... I am hit with the heavy burden of.. am I being selfish and or prideful. For one... this life is not about me, never has, and never will. It is about my Savior who died on the Cross for my sins... it is for his glorification. Yet.. I worry about what will happen in the next five minutes, and how it will determine my future. Now the question at hand is... How do I get outside of this thinking? I am a natural born planner.. I mean I love to plan.. color-coding, calendars... (I mean I have five calendars HANGING UP in my room... some would call that a bit obsessive), but this is what I like to do. I like to have a plan.. I do not like unknowns... in fact, I think unknowns are silly. I think it is important to know what is going to happen in the future, plan for it, and have A and B solutions in case plan A does not work out. I like to think through ways to handle things, so in the future if that particular situation does come about.. I will handle it with the grace, and love that I need to. Does that always happen... no! But, yet, I still plan. So much so, I take others and thier needs and care out of the equation some time. There are some that disagree with this, and say that I consider others feelings way too much.. which I tend to do as well. So the big question is... Where is the balance? Where does the trusting God part come in.. and knowing that he will provide everything I need for every situation... the right things will be, he is not going to take me down a path where he will not take care of me. But, I fret. I worry, I worry myself sick. I get nervous, I do not want to eat... So many things to think about.. to plan.
I guess all this to say that I need to find a balance. It can only come from the Lord, and I know that.. but I have a hard time trusting that and knowing that will come about without my help. Which is about the MOST silly and PRIDFUL thing EVER! (just so everyone that is reading this knows, it is not exactly gramatically correct.. just trying to write my feelings down.)

So where do I end this blog? I think I will end it with NO ending.. just for the simple fact of.. I have no clue what to do..... I don't know where to start to trust... Do I read more, Do I need to spend more time with the Lord, Do I need to rest in his presence..... now quite sure yet, All I know is that he will lead in due time!

Love you all

remember the old days...

This may sound very silly, but when I was little I always wanted to be a professional singer/songwriter, or be a teacher. Of coarse, the teacher thing I am now, hopefully, going to make happen... but I doubt the other dream will ever come true. Sounds quite silly really.. man did I drive my brother crazy when I was younger. I would sing, and sing, and sing... and then my mom and dad bought me a microphone.. so I sang even more. I bet my brother heard the ace of base song, "I saw the sign" a million or so times. But on days like today I wonder.. do you give up on that dream you still have so much passion for and realize that it is never going to happen... or do actually practice and do something about it. Now don't worry, I have not gone off the deep end. I do not think that a label is about to pick me up and let me sing for them. I can sing so out of tune... and harmonizing.. dont get me started. It would take a lot of practice. But I would be content to sing backup somewhere. You know when your heart just really has a longing to do something.. that is one of my hearts longing. But I would only want to sing in the christian realm. Songs about the Lord.. because that is what my drive is about. I read this really interesting piece in a John Piper book of Bricey's. He wrote about worship.. and how it is totally about the Lord, and us wanting to make sure our voices sound great.. is tuning him out... and making ourselves more glorified. Don't get me wrong... not many people can concentrate when a person is up there singing completly off tune with no concept of how they sound.. the important thing is to let the Lord move, and we can't do that when we are trying to be the centerpiece.. or the focal point. I do not know... I think the Lord really got me thinking about that... I think that is one of the reasons I have not been able to sing on a praise band type thing.. and that I need practice. But I must admidt even though I have heard this a couple of times before... it never really clicked until I read that.
The Lord is doing so much in me right now.. I can really feel his presence.. which is awesome, but for some reason a bit scary too. Why scary? I do not really know... probably because I need to get to know Him better, and the fear of the unknown pops quite frequently into my head. I know the Lord is going to put me somewhere to serve him... I just do not know where. But, he will provide a perfect, perfect place for me to be! The Lord is good.. and it is so wonderful to reflect on his majesty and grace.

I have so much school this week it is insane... and a little bit unnerving. I really do not even know where to start. I have two tests, a paper to write, community service work and letter form thing to fill out, graduation application, sign up for the teacher certification test, and my bookfile of 75 minimum childrens books, an author powerpoint, biblotherapy outline, activity outline, and a childrens book to write. :) Can you tell I am jumping with joy!! ha ha.. I will get though it.. just pray for God to place a renewal of thoughts and peace and just that I will trust in him and NOT BE STRESSED!

The wedding planning this week is going to have to go on the backburner.. even though we really need to get the save the dates out. But in all reality, another week will not hurt us.

One more thing... I have decided I want to re-learn how to play the piano. I really do.. I have been thinking about this for months now.. now when I will have time.. who knows? but it is a future endevor of mine.

Love you guys.. gotta go read now!

Bricey's sisters visit!

me and stace face!
bricey being a beached whale at the pool.. ha ha ha
me and my baby cousin ryan.. he is the cutest little man! and we have another one coming! yah for preggers Gena! Plus he is our ring bearer! :)
the five of us at the lakehouse after a fun day of jet skiing!
the fab four!
funny faces at the game.. we werent paying attention!
Think I figured out this picture thing! Pics from last weekend with Bricey's sweet sisters! We really enjoyed having them down here!! We miss them!

Rain.

Rain is so beautiful.. the noise, and just the look of how it is outside. The sky after it rains is probably my very favorite part. It is always some different color. I do not understand how anyone could not believe there is a God. Look outside. God made all of this. This beautiful, beautiful Earth. I am in an aweful mood today. It is refreshing to wake up and be satisfied, and that is what I am today. Today is the day I wish I could be in heaven and sit with my heavenly father and just love and hug on him. That may sound silly to many, but that is what I want to do today. But I guess I will settle for spending some time with my Jesus, and then studying and laying around :)
One of my best friends Elise let me borrow all her Cd's last night, and I am sooo excited!! I got to put them all on my Ipod! Yah for space on the Ipod!! I had never heard Phil Wickam, and now, I am in love. I am also in love with Joy Williams. Love it love it! I will have a meaningful blog here sometime soon... and hopefully I will be able to post pics here soon, I just do not know how to do that yet! Love you all! Have a great day!

God is good.

Here lately, the Lord has really been growing me and stretching me in soo many different ways. At times, it is just so frustrating. I know that there will be attacks when you living for the Lord, but when this happens it gets really hard. Today was one of those days. First of all, can I just say that I am so thankful for the church that the Lord has brought us to. I go to The Village in Flower Mound, Texas, and I am so thankful to have a pastor, Matt Chandler, who speaks truth when he preaches. Tonight, we went to church, and it was so powerful. First of all, the 'praise and worship' part of it was amazing... and then Matt's message was equally as powerful. Here lately, I have really been struggling with having FAITH that everything will work out in the way that is suppossed to work out. I have a problem with wanting to control everything. Some would say I am a planner :) And the Lord has constantly been bombarding me with verses that combat the exact thing that I am worrying over. I worry over things that are so dumb like.. if I have everything planned for the wedding, school, am I calling everyone enough and letting them know I love them (that is not dumb).... but in the end, everything will work out. (And I need to trust in this fact!) But here is the thing I have realized. I am constantly worried that I am letting down the Lord! I am still investigating this fact, but I do not know (after talking with many different people) that you cannot let down the Lord. HE knows what we are going to do, before we do it. But again, that is just something I worry about constantly. So then, the past four days the Lord has hit me hard over the head with verses that show me he is soverign, and in control! For instance, Luke 22:32, or Genesis 41:52, Psalm 62. Just so many passages about trusting him, and how you have to have faith in what you pray. I have never really thought about this fact. Call me crazy, but honestly, I just haven't. If I do not believe that the Lord is going to do something in my life, how am I going to give it over to him? So I have been majorly seeing the Lord saying, Trust me my little ashie, I will take care of it. Cast your cares on me. I am so thankful for Brice. When I am feeling like this, he always has a verse to pick me up. God has grown him so much.. it is so fun to watch. Anyways, today I was fretting about something, and he called me and he just shared Psalm 87, this is how I have felt lately. But how good is God, that he gave Brice those verses to share with me. And how thankful I am for him, and for my Mimi to talk about such things with!! God is good, and he is has a plan! It is as simple as that, and if I would just dwell on that, and focus on living for him, than I would have a lot less stress, that would be for sure!