The angst of waiting

Christmas is usually my favorite season. I mean, I get into it...and I usually start around October. Yes, October. I know, I know...let's at least let Thanksgiving get here, but there it is. Not this year. This year has been different. Not that I haven't enjoyed putting up my Christmas tree, or burning my "evergreen" candle to make my living room smell sweetly of Christmas time. Rather, it has just been a really big time of reflection and just even waiting. I do not know if I have ever really gotten the whole true, real reason for Christmas. Don't get me wrong...I get that fact that Jesus came and was born and how awesome that is. However, I do not think I have ever gotten the angst of the waiting part. The advent part. The waiting on something better and worthwhile and something that could drastically change us all part. I think in the midst of heartbreak or maybe even warfare of the soul where you are really feeling the weight of something greater than yourself, have I really had the opportunity to feel the angst of waiting.

The angst of waiting for perfect timing can be extremely hard. One reason this is probably so hard is the simple task- waiting (which is not oh, so simple when you actually have to do it). Waiting sucks. Especially in this zip-zap world that we live in. We long for instant gratification and when we don't get it we become dissatisfied and unhappy. We look for something more. We look for something better; or even a replacement of sorts. I think the grass is greener mentality comes out at this time. One thing I have noticed about myself here lately is the amount of good advice that will come out of my mouth and then when that gets tested I believe I fail miserably. It is frustrating to say the very least. Why can't what I read and what I know to be true just come as a natural thing and progression in my life. Refinement.
"He knows what He is doing with me, and when he has tested me, I will come forth as pure gold." Job 23:10
I will not even pretend to have it all together. I am quite a far cry from that. I mean, if you read my blog at all I think I talk about waiting and such a lot...because obviously I have some trust issues with the Lord. Here lately though, I have really been blessed by the Lord to see these major areas where I am not trusting him, or where I feel like He is allowing me some room to really be tested on some things He is showing me and doing in my life. In that, there has been this angst. This want to be where He desires me to be.

As Christmas day approaches, I have also been thinking on timing. The sermons I have heard lately and also things I have been reading have spoken a lot about timing The timing of the Christ-child. The waiting on the Messiah. The anticipation of what was to come. The hope that filled people's hearts for something greater than themselves. For something that would rescue them from their hurts, their pains, their sorrow. The Lord waited for perfect timing for Jesus to come. There were prophesies made and many thought He was to come sooner. The Lord waited for the perfect time though...not what was expected, but what was right. This thought has been coming to my mind a lot here lately. It just has really been sinking in how great our God's plans are for us and how He has so much better long-term plans for us than we could possibly think of. And also how timing is everything. I know that is saying that is probably overused, but over the past couple of months, I have really come to believe them to be true. Timing is everything. And the Lord has a right timing for everything. I believe this with all my heart. It is not our job to look at our lives and say, "You know Lord, I don't think you have this right...." instead we just have to trust that He knows what He is doing. (Trust me...I am preaching to myself here.) With that, I still believe we can wait anxiously. Anxiously awaiting our Savior and what He is to do and to bring. We can hope. We can pray. We can say, come quickly Lord Jesus, we long for your coming. BUT, trusting that He is to come, that He is to bring a mighty deliverance...that angst in waiting; it can be tough. I do believe, even in the hardest of days, in the end His timing and His best is worth the wait. I mean, we got Jesus...that is a pretty awesome gift, right?

Food for thought..more so for me. Just thought I would share. Love you all so very much and I hope you have a very Merry Christmas wherever you are.

Idealistic or Hopeful?

I am in a season in which two very valuable things to me are being and have been sacrificed. One not so voluntarily, and the other, after much prayer, wrestling and much fight, voluntarily given up. I do not know what this season will bring about in my life. One has already happened, one will in the next couple of months. Obedience seems to be the word that comes to the forefront of my mind here lately. Not in a self-righteous, man, I am awesome way kind of way, but in a humble, I know this is my only option and the Lord will bless it kind of way. This has been a season where I have no clue what the Lord is up to, but I also know He is out for my good, and I am learning that more and more every day. Like really, really learning that...even in the super hard lessons (which seem to be the theme this year). With that though, I do not think I would want to take back this entire year. If I look back from last year at this time, things that have happened have shaped and molded me into who I believe the Lord is making me into. I do not love some of the things that have happened, and understanding seems to be bit by bit, and just sometimes overrated because I do not know if I will understand for quite some while, but again, I know they have to be for a purpose.

Both of these things have been things that, in hopes of letting go, there is hope for some greater plan, greater happiness and more so greater joy in Christ. When it comes down to it, that is all I am living for...

It has taken me about 3 years and 7 months (yes, I counted it...this is why journals are good!) to get to this point and it has been nothing short of a journey. Literally there has been a lot that has happened in these 3 years and 7 months, but as I approach every new day the Lord begins to reveal more and more of this awesome puzzle that He is putting together. (The puzzle being ME!;)) I am encouraged during this time with the scripture He so readily makes available to me. 1 John 3:19-21 says,
"By this we shall know that we are of truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything."
God knows everything in my heart. From my deepest desire to know and love him and to bring Him glory with my life, to my desire for Him to allow and bring my sweet one and future beloved into my life so I can love, build up HIm up and who will also take care of me and try to love me as Christ loves the church. (Have you ever thought of how huge of a task this is women...I mean seriously, think on that. Men have a huge task ahead of them in marriage). A desire for the Lord to bring someone with an unquenchable passion for Him into my life who wants to be with me. HE knows that I desire that. He knows all the desires of my heart and I am rest assured that if these deep-seeded heart desires do not match His will for my life then He WILL change those desires. For He is good and does good and will not let his child suffer. He knows what He is doing.
2 Timothy 2:13 says,
"If we are faithless, he remains faithful."
That alone is one of the most encouraging things I know of. When I look at other's circumstances around me (even my pastor of almost 4 and 1/2 years Matt Chandler and his wife Lauren) they have had much heavier of things to bear then what I have felt as though I have had to "endure". Sometimes I can be a bit dramatic, however I have had to go through trials that have been very hard for me. There have been (and still are) times when it is easy for me to faithless. It is sometimes easier (or so I think at the time..) to take the faithless, hopeless, "everything is awful' route. But, when I really think about it, and think on it...is that really the easier route? I think not. All that develops is a bitter and resentful heart that is not characteristic of the woman I long to be.
At times, I think I am the girl who people think needs to "get a grip" or one that seems to hold some very idealistic ideals of life and hope for seemingly impossible things. I am not realistic some people have said. But isn't that what Christ is in the business of doing...making the impossible possible? Of restoration? If he takes my mourning and turns it into dancing. If he takes my weeping and turns into laughing and most of all if He takes my sadness and turns it into joy, isn't that the same God that can make all things new and make hope something that is tangible?
I tell my kids every day to believe in the impossible. I encourage them to know how wonderful they are. To focus on things they have control over and not only achieve those, but dream big. Hope. Love others and believe there is a greater plan for your life than what you can see right now. Sometimes I think the Lord brought me into teaching because maybe I do have a somewhat idealistic view on life. I was thinking about this a lot in the past few weeks, and then the thought came to mind- maybe it is not an idealistic view I have on life, but rather, maybe, just maybe it is Christ's joy in my life and the Hope for what is to come and my hope in Him. How awesome would it be if I could really say that and constantly live in that abundant joy?
Listen, I don't know why I am 25, still single, living alone, and so busy that I do not have time to turn around at the moment instead of being a married woman of 25 living with her sweet hubby and baby(ha, that is where I thought I would be at this point)...but this is where the Lord has me. They say acceptance is important and I think that is where I am right now. I am hopeful for what is to come, hopeful that hte Lord is to do a GREAT work in me that will solely glorify Him and also in the lives of those closest around me. I am thankful He is allowing the fog to lift from a very cloudy and unsure season...even if it is just for today. Paul Tripp said on Sunday at church, "God will take us where we have not intended to go so that He can produce in you what you could not acheive on your own." He calls this uncomfortable grace. If that is what He is calling me to, then I will choose to rejoice in that and be expectant when He brings a conclusion and some sort of understanding to this time.

Hallelujah, He makes all things new. You bring restoration, Sweet Jesus.

Understanding is becoming Overrated ;)

There are times when I long for the old. Maybe not necessarily what used to be, but more for simplicity. Something that just calms your heart. A warm cup of coffee, and book, and no worries. I have been having a real time of reflection and thinking upon life and where the Lord has me right now, where I long to be, what my wants and desires are, and just where I am realistically. I think it is okay to dream. To want for the future and even get excited about what the future might hold, but I also try to keep my heart grounded. I try not to get in that all-encompassing daydream for the future. I try not to get ahead of where the Lord has me right now, even at times I think it may be a little easier to look past where I am right now and think on the future.

I have been praying a lot here lately about what the Lord wants me to do with this time that I have right now. I feel like some big decisions are around the corner, and just asking Him to show me where He desires to use me and what He desires to do with my time and my heart and my energies. That prayer being something that has been becoming a recurrent theme here in the past week especially, the Lord gently slapped me across the face last night with an answer. It seems to be the answer that has also become a recurrent theme in the past month and a half. This theme in my life is not something that I really love because I am not very good at it. It is called...drum roll please...waiting patiently. Waiting on the Lord and the Lord, ALONE. Have you ever been in a time of waiting?

I have the opportunity to speak in a conference for teen girls coming up very soon. To tell you that I am excited about this would be the understatement of the century. I have felt like the Lord would have me work and share my story with teen girls for a VERY, very long time. Over and over again I have felt the Lord speak this into my heart, especially when I was in the midst of a battle with my flesh over a serious stronghold. I have felt he would use me for Him in some sort of way with what I have struggled with in the past. Out of nowhere, quite frankly, I was asked to be apart of this conference. I get to speak to teen girls about eating issues and really more about the idols we hold in our hearts and how we put them upon the throne of our hearts instead of our Sweet Jesus. I get to talk about my journey and how the Lord has wooed me to Himself. As I was searching though my journals of the past 5-6 years, the Lord really showed me something I could truly use where i am right now. He also showed me how much of a pattern He has with me. Literally in ALL of my journals the phrase "wait patiently" was written over and over again. Crazy, right? Over and over and over again, here lately the Lord shows me He has a plan with what He is doing in me and through me and will do for me if I would just trust him and WAIT on Him. Not wait on a specific person, but wait on Him. Another word that was constantly written over and over and over again was the word trust. As I was going through my 11 journals I was amazed at 1- how much the Lord has chosen to do (and I don't say this in a prideful way, I say this in a the Lord is awesome because I was an absolute MESS) and 2- how much of what He has said in the past is still so relate able to where I am right now and 3- how the Lord has done what He has spoken to my heart so far.

I think in a time of uncertainty the Lord has been so gracious to let some things happen for me that are things I have prayed over for years. He has allowed some things to come into my life and has shown me even when I am in a desperate cry of uncertainty and misunderstanding that He is on the throne, He knows what He is doing, and He will do what He has promised. I may not get to choose how that looks or what or when that will be, but He has a plan and He is not someone who gives empty promises. It is not a coincidence that I have kept journals over the trials of life and my everyday and where the Lord has brought me from. It is not coincidence that the Lord had Autumn ask me to be apart of the conference. It is not coincidence that there are phrases written over and over and over again in my journals that the Lord is speaking into my heart right now. The Lord is good and gracious and does not change. He longs for his children to be secure in HIm. And Him alone. Not a dream, but in Him.

Have you ever been in a place where the Lord, even though speaking so gently to your heart, has to absolutely flood you with the truth of who He is? The Lord loves me so much because I know He is doing this. In times of sadness or times of loss or uncertainty which is where I am at right now or feel like I am at right now, the Lord shows me His love has not grown cold. Last night in some serious time of prayer I was praying that the Lord would show me where He wants me. It doesn't matter where I want to be, but where does he want me? What does HE want me to do? I have come to a point of frustration with myself and I just really, really want to do what HE wants...not me. Because His will is going to prevail at all costs, so regardless of what I may want to happen or what I may desire, I think it would be MUCH easier to just submit to His plan for me. What is it, I ask over and over and over again. What do you desire for me to learn, what do you desire to do in this time?! After I prayed these words last night I looked up Streams in the Desert. What was the devotional entitled, "Wait on God's Time'. It was about Sarah and Abraham. "If God had told Abraham in Haran that he must wait for thirty years until he pressed the promised child to his bosom, his heart would have failed him. So, in gracious love, the length of the weary years was hidden, and only as they were nearly spent, and there were only a few more month to sait, God told him that "according to the time of life, Sarah shall have a son" (Gen 18:14).

"Take heart, waiting one, thou waitest for One who cannot disappoint thee; and who will not be five minutes behind the appointed moment; ere long "your sorrow shall be turned into joy".

As if that was not enough, I went to my bed got out my Bible and my Charles Spurgeon devotional and started to read and digest it. "Get thee up into the high mountain." Isaiah 40:9 "Rouse yourself, O believer, from your low condition! Cast away your sloth, your lethargy, your coldness, or whatever interferes with your pure love for Christ, your soul's Husband. What beguiles you into such folly that you remain in the pit when you may sit on a throne? Do not live in the lowlands of bondage now that mountain liberty has been conferred on you. Do not be satisfied any long with your dwarfish attainments, but press forward to more sublime and heavenly things.

I went on to read Isaiah 40:9-319 Get you up to a high mountain,
O Zion, herald of good news; [1]
lift up your voice with strength,
O Jerusalem, herald of good news; [2]
lift it up, fear not;
say to the cities of Judah,
“Behold your God!”
10 Behold, the Lord God comes with might,
and his arm rules for him;
behold, his reward is with him,
and his recompense before him.
11 He will tend his flock like a shepherd;
he will gather the lambs in his arms;
he will carry them in his bosom,
and gently lead those that are with young.

12 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand
and marked off the heavens with a span,
enclosed the dust of the earth in a measure
and weighed the mountains in scales
and the hills in a balance?
13 Who has measured [3] the Spirit of the Lord,
or what man shows him his counsel?
14 Whom did he consult,
and who made him understand?
Who taught him the path of justice,
and taught him knowledge,
and showed him the way of understanding?
15 Behold, the nations are like a drop from a bucket,
and are accounted as the dust on the scales;
behold, he takes up the coastlands like fine dust.
16 Lebanon would not suffice for fuel,
nor are its beasts enough for a burnt offering.
17 All the nations are as nothing before him,
they are accounted by him as less than nothing and emptiness.

18 To whom then will you liken God,
or what likeness compare with him?
19 An idol! A craftsman casts it,
and a goldsmith overlays it with gold
and casts for it silver chains.
20 He who is too impoverished for an offering
chooses wood [4] that will not rot;
he seeks out a skillful craftsman
to set up an idol that will not move.

21 Do you not know? Do you not hear?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth?
22 It is he who sits above the circle of the earth,
and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers;
who stretches out the heavens like a curtain,
and spreads them like a tent to dwell in;
23 who brings princes to nothing,
and makes the rulers of the earth as emptiness.

24 Scarcely are they planted, scarcely sown,
scarcely has their stem taken root in the earth,
when he blows on them, and they wither,
and the tempest carries them off like stubble.

25 To whom then will you compare me,
that I should be like him? says the Holy One.
26 Lift up your eyes on high and see:
who created these?
He who brings out their host by number,
calling them all by name,
by the greatness of his might,
and because he is strong in power
not one is missing.

27 Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord,
and my right is disregarded by my God”?
28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
29 He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
30 Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

Okay, God...you have got my attention. Whatever the future holds, I know the Lord is going to do something with this time that He has me in. He will do good because He is good. And I also believe He will continue to nail this into my head until I believe Him. Oh, simplicity in Him. Oh, to not only KNOW He is better and His plans are better, to BELIEVE Him.

Wanted to share how sweet our God is to me. Love you all, and HAPPY Thanksgiving! love love love you.
Ash

Death to a plan.

I will be 25 this month. I have always been a planner. Not the kind of planner that just writes in her planner every now and again. Nope. I am the girl that not only writes in her planner, but color-codes it, and also likes to know months and sometimes even a year in advance of what is going to happen-- sometimes I think that is to protect myself and my heart. When something happens to a plan that I have had in place, I tend to get a little rattled. Especially when it is a deep-seeded, in my heart, really think it is going to happen plan. I am at a crossroads in a sense with that right now. Something has happened that I did not plan for and has completely shaken the whole "plan" I had in my head of what was to happen and what was to be, and even what I thought the Lord had for me. Things have been shaken in my life and "plans" that I had for my life and what was going on have drastically changed.

What do you do when your plans change? Are you one who doesn't really mind that, and just kind of goes with the flow? See, I am not like that. In the particular situation I am in, I can honestly say I have had to fight every fiber of my being not to do things that would cause my heart pain in the end by me trying to control the situation. You see, today though, I realized I was still trying to control some part of the plan I thought was to be in place. Today, I realized I have not given my "plan" to God. Instead, I have clung onto it for dear life in fear that if I let go of this plan, let go of this dream if you will, then it will not come back around. That it will not come to fruition and that I will look like a stupid and silly girl. once again. in that, I realized that there lies the problem. I may have given a lot of what is going on over to God, and He has given me peace through a lot of my situation I am in right now, but there is still this part of me that is trying to control it. Maybe not an outward part of me that is physically doing something, but rather my heart...by its hurt I am clinging on to this fear, and in that fear I have thought that if I just cling to this plan that somehow, that will make it okay. That eventually, if I hang on to this plan, maybe I won't be wrong. Maybe, just maybe, something will happen. That is very wrong thinking. And I realized that today. I have to give my WHOLE heart to God, and with that that means every single "plan" I have for the future and what I have and want for myself. The Lord knows my desires, so surely He knows I have this magical "plan" for myself. So far, every plan, especially relationship wise have yet to work out for me. I watch my friends and family members whom are married. Some of babies now. Some of are trying for babies, and some are just in the "thinking about babies" stage. I watch how in love they are. I watch how they get to dream and plan together. How they get to rely on each other and support each other. I watch how they get to grow together...and I think I get a little jealous. I wonder, why can't that happen to me? Lord, why do I have to feel like that stupid, silly girl/friend that just hopes for that?

Today I called my daddy. He knows me better than most people. It is almost annoying. He literally can predict my movements and it absolutely makes me mad. He gives me his opinions that also tend to make me mad, because he does not really sugar-coat anything. Rather he gives it straight to me. What I have to come to learn is there are times when he is wrong. He is not always right, but most times, more than not, he is right, especially when it comes to what I might be doing in a situation. Today I called him very upset. In his tender, yet tough voice he asked me why I was so upset. I went on to tell him. After talking and crying on the phone to him, he went on to tell me that, "Ash, what are you so scared of? What are you holding on to? What is wrong with you being wrong? Why do you always have a plan? You clearly aren't trusting God with yourself and you are holding on to this plan you have for yourself for dear life? What is that helping? Who is that helping? That is clearly not helping you, but rather destroying you a little bit every day. Let go of the plan. Ash, if you keep getting in the way, if you keep holding on to this idea of what might happen, or what could of happened, you are going to have a hard time getting on with your life and letting what is supposed to happen happen. Has God ever hurt you? He is not about to start. He has you, Ash, He has you." This was a pretty big conversation for my dad and I. We spoke for a long time about this. We talked about my feelings and what I feel like the Lord has been telling me, and then the dreaded subject...this plan I have had for myself. He gave me some hard truths because he loved me today. I cannot always take what he says as complete and utter truth because he is human, just like everyone else, but today he helped me.

I had a plan. it is not the plan anymore. even if no one else knew this plan, I had it in my mind, and the Lord knows my heart, thus He knew what I had planned for my life. I don't think there is a problem with having a plan...it is just when you aren't flexible with those plans that it starts to be (and is) very harmful to yourself. If I truly believe His promises, if I truly believe everything my Lord and God is telling me during this time of sadness for my heart, and this time of really, really having to trust Him above everything else. Then I have to let this plan die. I have to believe that the Lord is good. That He is gracious. That He will not take me somewhere I am not supposed to be, but rather He will lead me right to where He wants me and it will all be for my good. I cannot throw this pity-party for myself where I feel sad and call myself a stupid girl and think that this is somehow going to help me. That isn't believing God. That is prideful Ash feeling bad for herself because her "plan' and what she wanted did not work out this time. That is not giving into the peace that the Lord has given me that passes all understanding...that is me taking 12 giant steps back and choosing to live in the fear of what could be, or what this place I am in means.

All I have heard in the last month has been certain phrases over and over and over again. It has ALL been Jesus. Faith. Hope. Wait. Waiting. Wait. Faith. Believe. Belief. Faith. Hope. Wait. Wait patiently. The woman must wait. Wait. Wait patiently, I have a plan for your life. God has not forgotten he has engraved your name upon his hands. Hope. Believe in MY promises. Believe Me. Have Faith. Wait, Ash. Wait. Wait paitently. Do not lose heart. Have faith in what I have told you. Have faith in WHO I AM.....over and over and over and over again. As I am typing this, it is almost just silly that I have moments of disbelief or loss of hope. To write everything that I feel like the Lord has shown me and that He has shown me would take a wayyy longer blog post then what you want to read, or probably I want to type.

A few things though I do want to share. Tonight I went to a live recording of a worship CD at the Oaks Church. This is the church that Bethany Dillon and Shane and Shane go to and help lead at. Tonight was much needed. Almost every single verse that they had that flashed up were verses the Lord has given me over the last month. Not even joking...gotta love when the Lord does that. I truly believe with all my heart there are no coincidences, especially when you are walking through a time of trial and perhaps hurt. Tonight they talked about fear. They talked about healing. Then they talked about God delivered them and healed them in the sense of that he healed the fear in their hearts and gave them a peace that passes all understanding. They also talked about after trusting God and after He gave them this peace, that He also healed their hurts. We sang that God is good. We sang that there is only one word that can save us...Jesus. Tonight was needed, especially after this afternoon, because the thing is, I am holding on to this fear. As much as God has been soooo gracious to me during a hard time I am going through right now, I have not allowed that peace to absolutely flood me because I am so fearful of letting go of this plan. Of looking silly to others. Of feeling silly and being sad and letting go of this "idea" I have and want so badly. But, what I realized today is I can still have hope and believe in what the Lord has told me, but I must be open to what the Lord has for me. I can still have and trust in what I think my sweet and loving Jesus is telling me without having a plan. My plans have obviously not worked up until now, so why start thinking they will work now?

Some things I have read and have stuck with me in the past month-
"I know that waiting on God requires willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts. It is easy to talk oneself into a decision that has no permanence- easier sometimes than to wait patiently."
Truly my heart waits silently for God;
my deliverance comes from Him.
In truth he is my rock and deliverance,
my tower of strength, so that I stand unshaken....
Trust always in God, my people,
pour out your hearts behome him;
God is our shelter.

Waiting silently is the hardest of all. - Elisabeth Elliot, "Passion and Purity"

No good thing does the Lord withhold from those who walk uprightly. Psalm 84:11

Therefore brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, bu the new and living way he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God Let us draw near with a true heart and full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering for he who promised IS faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together as is the habit of some, but encouraging one anotehr and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. Hebrews 10:19-25

Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the Olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, and I Will take joy in the God of my salvation. Habakkuk 3:17-18

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage, wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14

Blessed be the Lord! for he has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy. The Lord is my strength, and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped and my heart exults, with my song and I give thanks to him. Psalm 28:6-7

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing us for eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen, but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"What we have known of our faithful God proves that He will keep us to the end. Let us not, then, reason to the contrary to evidence. How can we ever be so ungenerous as to doubt our God? Lord, throw down the Jezebel of our unbelief and let the dogs devour it." Charles Spurgeon

"God is very good to those who trust in Him, and He often surprises them with unlooked-for blessings. Little do we know what may happen ut us tomorrow, but this sweet fact may encourage us: not good thing will be withheld from us. (Psalm 84:11) Chance is banished from the faith of Christians, for they see the hand of God in everything. The trivial events of today and tomorrow may involve consequences of the highest importance. O Lord, you graciously deal with your servants as you did with Ruth." Spurgeon

And from my beloved Beth Moore, and believing God. This is a creed that she asks us to adopt while reading and praying through her book and study-
God is who He says He is.
God can do what He says He can do.
I am who God says I am.
I can do all things through Christ.
God's word is alive and active in me.

And lastly,
"I am who I am" Exodus 3:14

Who am I to question God? Who am I to have a plan and think it is better than what He is choosing to allow me to go through right now? The most obvious answer to that question is I am not God and I do not know what is best for me, and to truly believe that I must let go of my plan. Oh, growth...it hurts, but it is for our good and will ultimately deliver better results than I could have hoped for. I must trust in that. I must trust in Jesus and what He has told me...but most of all, I must trust in WHO HE IS. Not in a stupid plan I thought I had for myself and thought would work out. Many are the plans of a man's heart, but the Lord's purpose will prevail. I pray that this is not something that I just blog about, but rather, I walk in and believe and pray from here on out.

Amen. Thanks for listening.

an unexpected gift

Do you ever have those weeks where they feel like they have lasted a month? Well, this is how I have felt this week. It has not only been emotionally and mentally draining, but I think I have just reached my breaking point in how exhausted I am. Sometimes I am so very thankful for how busy I am. I am one of those personalities that likes to throw myself into things and likes to be busy (even though I am sure I am complain about it at times...maybe too much). Here lately I think I have been on overload, though. Work has been absolutely crazy, and as much as I love my girls, it is getting to that time of year where the holiday season looks beautiful because it is time for a break for all of us from each other. But, it is also playoff season. Playoff season is dreaded. Not because I do not want my school to do well, but because it is trips taken that are far away from home in which we do not stay the night (which I am glad) but rather ride on a bus to and from these events and do not get home until super late. Then after this we have school the next day and usually still have cheerleading the next day. Needless to say, I get to see a lot of Texas during this time, and although it may be fun the first trip, it gets wearisome after the first longer-distance trip to cheer a game.

This week has been emotionally exhausting for many reasons, some not all bad, but I think when you add all of this emotion into you being so exhausted and quite frankly a little overworked, you (I) get into a place that is not the best. Today I had the thought that I am not that nice of a person when I am exhausted and don't feel well. (Oh, yes, I have been running a 100 degree temp the past few days too! Oh, the weather this season;)) ALL this to say, I wanted to share an encouraging tidbit with you. Not a depressing ones even though it seems that I have just complained for a couple of paragraphs. I do not think I have blogged about this, but I had a student whom I love that through a series of events in which I will not talk about on here, was incarcerated. I love this kid, and it was very sad to see some of it go down as well as hear about a lot of it. This week, I got a letter from him...from prison. Some people might find it a little crazy that I got excited about this, but this kid remembered me enough to write me a letter!? He started it out with "Well, Miss. Kep, I never thought I would be in this type of situation that I am in. I remember one day after class you pulled me to the side to ask me about my situation or what not. It was nice to know you care." He goes on to tell me has 2 to 25 years. He told me he wrote me to say thank you and then he started in on a book he had read while in prison and that I should read it and even gave me the summary (the kids know where to get me...reading;)) but in and out of the letter he talks about how he realized he shouldn't have been into what he had been into and about his court dates and how jail is not fun. He then wrote "Miss. Kep, right now I wish I could be sitting in yo English class laughing at you telling a joke that probably wasn't funny. Just playin, but for real Miss. Kep, will you pray for me?" I share this because for me it was encouraging. Not encouraging in the sense that this baby is in jail, but encouraging in the sense that even in my worst weeks when I am feeling tired, or overworked, or see some hard things and have to make executive decisions about them, God is good to remind me that he is gracious enough to let these kiddos know I care. Even in our worst weeks, even when there does not seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel, my Lord is so gracious to remind me that He has me where I am for a reason. He has put me in this specific spot for a reason. I may go through hurt, sadness, even times where I just do not understand why I may be put through something, or why my sweet babies have to go through hard situations, but HE is GOOD. He has a plan. I mean, who would have thought I would get a letter from this kiddo?! And he asked me to pray for him? I just think my God is so good. Even in the sadness, or when I have had emotionally draining weeks in which I cannot fathom to take one more thing...he sends me gentle, sweet, and profound reminders of how good He is and how He has got me right where He wants me.

Praise his name.

A gentle reminder?

There are things that I am never going to pretend to know. Why things happen the way they do, or why circumstances sometimes dictate what emotion you may have at that given moment even though you know in your heart otherwise. However, I am the personality type that does try to find out. To dig deeper, to figure out why. At times, I think this is one of the worst possible things for me. You see, I try to get ahead of the Lord in this, I guess. It is frustrating, annoying and extremely unnerving at times. Why, do I choose to want answers to questions that are beyond my knowledge or understanding? Why do I fight peace?

I do not know if you have ever been in this situation, but for me, I am starting to learn the major need in trusting in Jesus. Not just saying I trust in Jesus, but when it is being tested, actually trust, wholeheartedly in Jesus. I feel like in a sense when I am trying so hard that I am also just trying to find my own outcomes, find my own solution so that I could be better. Which in turn, is just me trying to fix myself. Ummm, I don't know if you have ever done that, but that does not exactly work. :) Good for us, we have Jesus.

I don't really have much to say tonight, other than I cannot sleep, and this is on my mind. How gracious is my sweet Father that he deals with me, and loves me and actually does not think of it as "dealing" with me, but rather loves me. He even brings so many examples of his loving kindness and what he is trying to teach me, into my life daily. Today, I was almost frustrated at how much I felt the Lord was trying to show me, yet I was constantly questioning the Lord...trying to figure it out. By this point, if you read my blog, you know I am a teacher. It has been one of the best things I have ever done. I cannot explain to you the rush I get when I teach or how often the Lord allows me to feel like I am exactly where he wants me, and where he has planned for me to be all along. That in itself is such a blessing. My babies at school have a lot of stuff going on. I mean you have a regular teenager, but then add a bit of poverty and things such as gang affiliation, drugs, no parent interaction, etc, and you have got yourself a little teenage breakdown cocktail just waiting to be mixed. One of my kids today came in crying...balling, beside herself. Through a series of events something has happened to one of her family members and he is currently in a very hard situation. Regardless of how her family member got there, she loves that member of her family. She cares for them. She desires the best for them. She is protective of them. Today, someone said something discouraging to her that rocked her to the core. She came in beside herself, and I had the opportunity to speak with her about it. There are many times the Lord allows me to talk about Him in the classroom. One of them presented itself today. I got to talk about belief, and faith, and hope that does not disappoint. We talked about faith, and what faith was. We talked about believing even when situations come up that are unexpected and uncomfortable. I felt as though, as I was speaking to this young girl, the Lord was speaking right to me saying, "Ashie, trust me. I have a plan. I always have had a plan. This is but a blip of time in your life...trust me in whatever trials you are going through. Believe what I have told you. Believe in who I am, and who I say I am. Believe and trust me. Just trust me." After our talk, that thought kept resonating with me. Right before this, a student had walked into my classroom. She is one of my students from the first year I started teaching. She is a lovely girl, whom I have had the opportunity to get ot know. She has shared much of her life with me, and I get chances to chat with her. She came into today out of no where to tell me something. I automatically assumed that something was wrong because she teared up as she began to speak. She said, "Miss. Kep, I just wanted to come and tell you how much I appreciate you. I was sitting at home this morning and Freedom Writers came on. I thought about you, and your class, and what all I have learned from you and I just wanted to say thank you. You have inspired me." Needless to say, I was taken aback. I do not share this with you to brag...but to tell you how good my God is. In times of uncertainty for me, it is easy to lean towards the edge of insecurity....or rather, jump off the cliff. I tend to stay strong for awhile, really get in the word, but I am fighting off lies like crazy. You know those lies, ladies, the lies of. "You aren't good enough", "no one loves you", "you aren't doing well at anything you are trying", "this is just going to end up bad for you...", and my personal favorite, "you should have known (enter given situation here)...how could you be so dumb". In the midst of those LIES, and let's call them out for what they are...lies, it is easy to believe them. Even if I could rationalize all day that these things are lies straight from the pit of hell, when you start to replay them over and over in your mind, you tend to see them as truth. Today, and not just in these two examples, the Lord not only let me recite truth to people and preach to the choir (that would be me:)) but also had someone come in, whom I care deeply for and want the best for, and tell me I was worth something. I do not doubt that the Lord did that on purpose. And the thing is, he did that for this unbelieving daughter. How gracious is he. For me, grasping that grace is undeserved, and that he doesn't hold things over my head is very hard for me sometimes. It isn't what I preach to others, but it is a struggle for me to accept and live in. Regardless of this, I believe the Lord is starting to work it out. It has the be a potential of hard, tough lessons, but I am hopeful of what the Lord will show me and grow me in. I am hopeful that through whatever situation he gives me, whether through school, cheer, personal, church, etc, he will show me a deeper sense of Him and His character.

Oh, how he loves us even when we are trying to believe but yet fail miserably. I heart Him...and guess what, He hearts us, too.

Love y'all. Thanks for listening.

What a difference a day makes...

Disclaimer: I know I am a young, 3rd year teacher that might have "wild ideas" about education in my head, but I truly believe everything below.


I don't know what the future holds for me. I don't know who I will end up. One thing I do know for sure is that I want to help people. It is what I feel like I have been called to do. I feel like the Lord has called me to teach and that is how I get to help people now. I have always wanted to work with young, teenage girls, and also, just high school kids. The Lord has allowed me to do this, and for that I cannot even begin to tell you how thankful I am. Even on my worst days at work, there is still a light at the end of the tunnel because I get to do something I love so very much. And, the Lord really has given me this unreal love that comes with teaching and for these kids. A love I can only say is from Him, because in my own strength I just do not think that I could love them like I do. I want the best for them. And the Lord has even given me the babies that not everyone seems to like, ya know. The ones that sometimes are the outcasts or the ones that don't get much attention. Sometimes, I even get the little gangsters, and to be honest, they are some of my favorites. Once you get past the whole "I am tough, don't talk to me" stage, you start to see who they are. You get to know them, and you get to encourage them to be something they never thought was possible. That is why I love teaching.

Today one of my babies came in that has not been there but for about 2 class periods. Needless to say, only being there twice in a six-weeks will make your grade really, really bad. And to be honest with you, I was frustrated. I figured this child was just skipping my class and could care less about English and was just out doing stuff that was not beneficial to society. This child came in after school and asked for their makeup work. Come to find out the student was kicked out of their house and been in a shelter for 4 or 5 weeks. The student desired to catch up on their work and not be failing. The student went on to tell me more, and all I could think is wow, I cannot believe I just assumed the child was not coming to class and doing, quote unquote gang related things. I mean, why would I automatically assume that? That child has no idea I thought that(or maybe she did...), and I am willing to bet I may not have been the only teacher that thought that, but I felt so bad. That is one of the things I have been thinking about since the school day ended today. These kids desire to make something of themselves. Whether they show that or not...they do. This kid came in with a chip on their shoulder and I just assumed the worst, instead of trying to figure out what was going on. Yes, the child was out a lot, but what clarity comes when actually finding out more about the person. I would have never known that if she did not come tell me. I would have assumed she was just a kid that didn't care and was failing my class on purpose. I would say that is something that has happened to me. I didn't used to assume that about the kids that didn't come...at least I didn't my first year. Now, in my 3rd (I know that is not long...) I am already assuming such things? It makes me sad. It was a reality check.

I have also started reading a book called, "Waiting on Superman". It talks about the disconnect between the school system in America and other school systems in the world. We are falling behind because of many different things. But is also talks about some of the ways that people are trying to change the education system in America. Did you know that many places in the North have lotteries that families enter in order to get into a good school with good teachers? Absolutely breaks my heart. I am on of those people that believes in the public school system. I desire to help the kiddos that don't have much, that have been dealt a hard card in life. The babies that have to overcome many obstacles in order to succeed. It is such a joy to watch them and help them realize they are worth something. They are not what they have been told in the past. They are not failures. They will succeed, they will make something of themselves, they can make good grades, they can learn. At this point in time I believe I will always want to be a classroom teacher. I cannot imagine being in a different position, however there is so much to be done in the Education system. I watch change happen at my school, and how people react to that change. I watch the amazing people I work with who desire to show the kids they are something more than what they have been told, or what they have settled for (gang violence, drugs, alcohol, cutting, eating disorders, depression, etc). But then I watch the other teachers...the ones who are fed up. They may have once been the teachers that drove the school, but now they are frustrated and the way they channel that is by taking it out on the kids, or the other teachers in the school. It is a fine line that many teeter between. It is easy to see how people can become hardened and decide to just give up. The teachers get tired, they are overworked and underpaid. (I am not necessarily talking about me...I mean, I am single and make enough money to support myself, so I feel fine) When things change it is easy to breakdown, to look at what is wrong with the process and pick it apart.
side note- my district has just adopted new curriculum, starting a new test while still giving the standardized test the kiddos have to take this year, and adopted new textbooks. Needless to say, the teachers are tired and seem to get frustrated with the time lines and the new things that are given to them.
But, what I wish we could see is the district is trying to change. That is my opinion. It may not be the way you individually would have done it, but things are being handed down because there is a desire for the kids to learn, for the kids to achieve more, to become rigorous well-rounded individuals. I wish everyone would stop taking it out on one another. It is so frustrating to me to see professionals do that to one another. To hurt each other because they are mad at a situation. They talk and rant and rave about everything that is wrong and go against the system instead of just trying it. Instead of trying to change it, we want to do the same thing we have done in the past. Do we do that because we are afraid of change? I am fully confident in the school I work in. I see the people, whether they are frustrated, and I really would be willing to bet that the majority of them really do care and want the best for the kids. They teach at the best of their ability and go over and beyond what they are asked to do. We all have bad days. We all have days and wonder...what the heck am I doing here? But, on those days I hope we remember the students like came into my classroom after school today. Most of our babies, whether they come up and talk to you about it or not...have a reason they might be falling short. They are capable. We can help them. Even in our most frustrating times...we are there for a reason. You are valuable. The kids we teach are valuable. What you do is valuable. Sometimes, we just need a reality check.

at a loss

At a loss for words here lately. I think I have gotten here quite a few times to write, and as I am writing I realize that what I am typing may not be that interesting, or is complaining or just have had a hard time finishing posts. Hopefully, I will finish this one. Today was one of those days where I came to a lot of conclusions about myself. Not necessarily bad, but just coming to realize who exactly I am, and what I probably cannot be, and maybe a little bit of what I may eventually be capable of. Cheerleading has taken over much of my time in the past 6 weeks. And let me tell you, it has been a fast and furious and hard 6 weeks, but I think it is finally starting to slow down. I hope anyways...;). I don't know exactly what I was expecting as a first year head coach, but I do not think I was expecting exactly all that has come with this job. I constantly running with a chicken with her head cut off (but as the weeks have gone by, a much more GRACEFUL chicken with her head cut off) and I have learned a lot about myself in these 6 weeks. I have learned that insecurities come out a flyin' when you are faced with a very hard challenge you don't know if you can get through. I have learned, once again, the Lord is always there and always, always takes care of me. In a couple of situations this year I have become extremely frustrated and have questioned that a bit. I have questioned the whole, God is out for our good thing. I know, that is terrible, but there it is. It is something that I have struggled with for quite awhile. I feel like the Lord is constantly trying to hammer this into my head, and little hard headed Ash tends to need hard lessons to learn this. It is super frustrating on my end at times/extremely cool how the Lord works these things out and shows me. It is always hard, but it is frustrating because I feel like I should know this by now. After all that the Lord has taken me through, you think by this point I would know and BELIEVE that He is out for my good, right? Wrong, hard-headed Ash is constantly doubting. I just have gotten so annoyed with myself about this. I am constantly asking for reassurance, constantly questioning, instead of just believing that the Lord has got it and being secure in Him. Oh, the lessons that I have yet to learn. In the same way though, it has been extremely cool to see the Lord working in and around my life through all of this and other such things He has placed in my life. When I take myself out of the picture, stop being so selfish, and look at what is going around me, I will see He is out for my good and out for all our, as believers, good. He is so stinkin' good I think that is when the frustration hits. When will I actually start believing that?! Knowing that every single day, no matter the trial, or what small or big thing is going on, He is out for our Good and for His glory. When will that be enough? Today was one of those days where I feel like my sense of entitlement was magnified and I was reminded how selfish I actually am. First it was the still small voice about a situation, then it was my sweet boyfriend bringing something to my attention, and then it was me seeing some of the hurts that my girls are going through and dealing with at such a young age. All of that coupled together is the Lord out for my good. Out to teach me, mold me, refine me; make me into something beautiful. I am thankful for that. I am thankful He loves me enough to continually show me things about me and also that are outside of me and point me to Him. He has beyond blessed me with the people in my life. Even in the hard times, even when cheerleading is pushing me past the point of frustration, and even when I am at happiest, He has it all under control. He knows what He is doing. He is out for my good. Oh, that I would keep pressing into that fact, and that I would truly believe it.

"Hush now, put that thought down.."

Have you ever imagined what life would be like without a season change? How greatly our moods might be affected if there was never a change. If there was only super hot summers or bitterly cold, dreary winters. Even the most perfect fall days might become tiresome due to them becoming just ordinary to us. I have been thinking a lot on this here lately. I don't know if the weather has prompted this in me due to the fact that it has been a sweltering 100-something degrees and no matter where you go you are reminded how happy you are that it will be getting cooler sometime in the near future. It is almost like that reprieve is encouraging in some sort of way, even in the midst of the 100 degree weather. The Lord has done a lot in my heart this past year. Where I was a year ago and where I am now are completely different heart postures. He has brought people in and out of my life that have really showed me different things and he has also taken me through times that were hard and tiresome and has brought me to the other side of them within the past year. It is interesting to me how sweet and gracious our God is. He continually amazes me in how He loves me and pursues me even though I am sinful. I am constantly insecure or fearful in situations, but continues to surround me with truth and love this child of his who doesn't always believe or trust Him. Here lately, the Lord has really been talking to me about Trust and belief. Many times I say that I believe that the Lord is in control or that I truly trust what the Lord is doing, when in all actuality believing God and believing in God are two very different things. God, has been showing me a lot of this this past summer. To be quite honest with you, when things go good for me, I am very skeptical on how they will end up. Whether that be relationships, or school, or really anything in my life. I have learned to play out the worst possible scenario to "protect" myself in case something really bad happens. This might come because that is the way that I decided to "protect" myself after some stuff happened that I had never planned on happening in my life. Who knows, but regardless of how or why I started doing this, the Lord and some of my very close friends have called me out on this this past summer. My dad actually called me out on it as well (My Dad is good at calling me out on such things...;)). The more that I have been called out on this by the people whom I love, I have also lovingly been called out by my Heavenly Father. I swear, every time I was called out about such things there was some sort of scripture that was in my Bible study that day or that before I spoke with my friends about what trust and belief looks like. Just saying I believe God does not really mean that I am trusting him with what he is doing and actually believe in what I think He has been showing me. Convicting for sure. God has been so gracious to me. He has far exceeded any plans I would have had for myself at this point in my life. Yes, there were a few things in college and right out of college that I may not have planned out personally for myself, but how gracious He has been to bring out about a life that I could have never imagined. I am doing something I love. I LOVE to teach. LOVE it. The Lord has allowed me to do something that I have dreamed about since I was 5, literally. I love how the Lord has stirred my affections for Him through the profession He has chosen to allow me to be apart of. I have always had such a heart for ministry and for youth, and He has allowed me to do coach young girls, use my personal experiences to talk and relate with them and love on them. He has allowed me to be in a school where the kids are not loved on too much by their parents, and let's face it, if you know me you know how much I like to tell you I love you or how much I want you to know how special you are, and I get to do that on a daily basis with these kiddos!! AND, I get to teach English. And I love that part of it, too. I say all this, because I was thinking on how easily I choose to believe that something bad is going to happen. Yet, the Lord has OBVIOUSLY taken care of me, even when things have not gone as planned. Who am I to question my sovereign King?? Seriously, the Lord has overwhelmingly been showing me these FACTS about who He is and who I say He is, and who I choose to believe He is. I think it is easy to doubt, but as women, I think we are especially susceptible to worry, doubt, fear, etc. We choose to dwell on the "what ifs" or how we may feel like we don't measure up, or what we lack, rather than focusing on what the Lord has showed us or the certainty of God's promises. How different would our lives be if we lived in constant belief that Christ is true to His Word. That He has every intention of making his name renown, and that He has paid the ultimate price for our salvation and that he knows every hair on our head. I mean, if the Lord knows that, and cares enough to know that, surely He cares about how I am doing and knows the plans He has for me.
The Lord had me turn to Hebrews 6:10-20 the other day. Honestly, I turned to the wrong book and started reading and thought, MAN Lord that is awesome and totally what I needed to hear, but didn't really fit exactly with what the question asked me in the Bible study, only to realize I turned to the wrong book. But, I also needed to read what I accidentally turned to. ha, I LOVE when the Lord does that! So cool and totally not coincidental if you ask me. ;)
Anyways, Hebrews 6 is talking about the certainty of God's Promise. In my walk with Christ, the Lord has constantly pointed me towards such men as Moses and Abraham in my studies. I don't know why that is, other than I have a lot to learn, and these men are great examples of faith and also what to do, but also how they reacted and how things happened because they reacted in certain ways.

"For God is not so unjust to overlook your work and the love that you showed for his sake in serving the saints, as you still do. And we desire each one of you to show the same earnestness to have the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you may not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises. For when God made a promise to Abraham, since he had no one greater by woe to swear, he swore by himself, saying, "Surely I will bless you and multiply you." And thus Abraham, having patiently waited, obtained the promise. For people swear by something greater than themselves, and in all their disputes an oath is final for confirmation. So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek."
Hebrews 6:10-20

I guess the point of this post is to say, Why don't I believe in what the Lord is doing more? Why don't I trust that He has put me here for a reason, and He will not lead me astray. Why do I not trust, that at times, even if things are hard or difficult to walk through, that He will bring me out of it and into another season. Why do I not believe that He longs to love me and bless faithfulness? Probably because I know I can be wayward. BUT, the Lord is sweet to forgive us and to love us even though He knows we are not perfect and that we are going to mess up. I can rest in the fact that He knows my heart and because of that and despite that, He still loves me. That, to me, is the best news I have ever heard. And even if something happens where things don't go as planned, I have Christ. Shouldn't that be enough? It just makes me giddy knowing the Lord loves me THAT much. How, sweet He is. and OH, how He loves us. If only I would live my life out daily believing that and understanding that today was given as a gift to live out of Him and that He knows that He is doing FAR better than I ever will or plan. How different I would live.

I leave you with some lyrics from a song that I am LOVING right now. For any women that read this blog, I HIGHLY recommend this CD. You can get it on Itunes and it is Donna Stuart's "Help Me Believe". Here are some of the lyrics...or, well I tried. ;) Ha, I couldn't find all the lyrics. BUT LISTEN TO HER CD, LADIES...you won't regret it! :)

This is from Blue Skies-
Quiet now, calm down, I am not going, going anywhere.
Get up now, I know you fell down, you were never meant to stay there.
Dust your knees, look at me, no I am not disappointed.
Have faith in me, please believe, I am not here, I'm not to condemn.

I am your blue skies through clouds of rain
I am your lamb of promise that I will stay
I want you to remain. I want you to obey. Me.

Hush now, put that thought down, that's not who, who you really are.
Come now, I will show you how, I will show you how to keep in step with the Spirit in your heart.

Put your hope in me. Put your trust in me. Put your hope in me. Put your Trust in me.


I LOVE YOUUUU ALL! :)
ash:)

A heavy-hearted request:)

One of the things about getting older is that there is more of a chance, or so it seems, that as you get older people close to you may pass away. Or at least, the possibility of this happening seems much closer than it used to be due to deteriorating health of family members, or other such factors. So is true with my Papa. My Papa has been very sick for awhile and without going into huge detail, is once again about to have a surgery that is very dangerous. It is not necessarily a dangerous surgery in the sense where many people do not make it, but rather is a surgery that is risky for him. For awhile now my Papa has been sick. He has had a plethora of things he has been sick with including infasima, heart attacks and disease, and cancer...twice. Somehow, though God's grace, he has come out of all these things. After awhile though, it is bound to wear on a person. Around Christmas time we found out that his heart was beating at a very low percentage. My Papa has been saved multiple times by his heart defibrillator. It has now been so overworked, due to his heart needing this miracle of a contraption, that he is having to have it replaced tomorrow. This surgery, from what I have been told, is done many times a day on many different people, without a problem. Papa is a high risk patient, though. He has many different issues with his health and putting him under and then stopping his heart to take the old defibrillator out, and put the new defibrillator in, will be a risk. But, it is a risk that he has chosen to take, because without it, his unit is bad and could possibly not save him once again if his heart is to go out.

What I would like to ask you for today is prayer. I don't really know what kind of prayers to ask for. Maybe some prayers of peace for my Grandma (Norma) and my Papa (people call him Kep). I can't possibly know what my Papa and Grandma are feeling, but I do know it is likely to be a hard morning tomorrow, either way. There is sure to be some heavy-heartiness on both sides and rightfully so. I have watched my grandma say bye to my Papa twice before major surgeries. This kind of broke my heart both times and so, in thinking on that today I thought the best thing I could do was ask for prayer. (They have been married for 50 years). I would like to ask that you pray for my Dad (Bob) and my Aunt Kathy and their spouses tomorrow. Aunt Kathy and Dad and my mom have been through this several times, and I don't think that necessarily makes any of this easier. As heavy-hearted as I am about this today, he is not my dad, so I am not quite sure how I would be feeling if that was the case. Please be in prayer for my cousins as well, Sam and Jen and then my bro Bj. Pretty much the whole fam.


As I was thinking this morning, I was trying to think of some sort of gift that I could get my Papa. I am one of those people that likes to give gifts. Maybe it is one of my love languages, who knows, but it is what I do when I am at a loss for words, or just feel like a person needs a pick-me-up, etc. The only thing I have come up with is scripture. That is only comforting thing. In the midst of all this, I have been thinking, what do people do without Christ? When all is falling apart, when there seems to be a fork in the road and you are unsure of the way it will go, who do they look to? I just really, really am thankful for the Lord in my life and in my families life. I am thankful that both my grandparents know the Lord and that I have gotten to watch my grandpa come sooooo much closer to the Lord than he used to be. I have really, really been encouraged by his relationship with Christ and in watching him grow through all this. I venture to say that without all this sickness that has happened, I do not know if he would be in the same place with the Lord. The Lord surely takes us through refining periods, and my Papa has been put through it. But through that refining he has come out beautiful and with scars but stories to tell and love to give and share. He has been such a HUGE part of my families life. A rock...and I really do mean that. He has been there and supported and encouraged so many members of my family. The thing about tomorrow is it could go great. It could be a 30-45 minute surgery with no complications and his ticker may start tickin' like it has never before. However, there is a chance it might go south. So, the reason for this post is just to convey to you how much I would appreciate prayer. I am not trying to be dramatic or say that something bad is going to happen to him, and I have faith that the Lord know exactly what He is doing and loves my Papa and my Grandma, and knows what is best. His plans are not mine and I am well aware of that. I would just really appreciate prayer tomorrow.

My Papa's surgery is scheduled for 8:30 a.m. tomorrow morning at Baylor Dallas. His team of doctors are amazing and have worked with him several times. Please pray for their hands and minds tomorrow as they do this operation. My Papa has to be at the hospital tomorrow morning at around 5 or 5:30 a.m. I believe, so prayer today as well, would be great...

I will leave you with the below devotional that I did the other morning. I just found it to be encouraging/exactly what I feel like the Lord has been showing me lately. Maybe this will not be such a depressing end to a blog.

Ruth 2:17
So she gleaned in the field until even.

Let me learn from Ruth, the gleaner. As she went out to gather the ears of corn, so must I go forth into the fields of prayer, meditation, the ordinances, and hearing the word to gather spiritual food. The gleaner gathers her portion ear by ear; her gains are little by little: so must I be content to search for single truths, if there be no greater plenty of them. Every ear helps to make a bundle, and every gospel lesson assists in making us wise unto salvation. The gleaner keeps her eyes open: if she stumbled among the stubble in a dream, she would have no load to carry home rejoicingly at eventide. I must be watchful in religious exercises lest they become unprofitable to me; I fear I have lost much already-O that I may rightly estimate my opportunities, and glean with greater diligence. The gleaner stoops for all she finds, and so must I. High spirits criticize and object, but lowly minds glean and receive benefit. A humble heart is a great help towards profitably hearing the gospel. The engrafted soul-saving word is not received except with meekness. A stiff back makes a bad gleaner; down, master pride, thou art a vile robber, not to be endured for a moment. What the gleaner gathers she holds: if she dropped one ear to find another, the result of her day's work would be but scant; she is as careful to retain as to obtain, and so at last her gains are great. How often do I forget all that I hear; the second truth pushes the first out of my head, and so my reading and hearing end in much ado about nothing! Do I feel duly the importance of storing up the truth? A hungry belly makes the gleaner wise; if there be no corn in her hand, there will be no bread on her table; she labours under the sense of necessity, and hence her tread is nimble and her grasp is firm. I have even a greater necessity, Lord, help me to feel it, that it may urge me onward to glean in fields which yield so plenteous a reward to diligence.

(thank you Mr. Charles Spurgeon...)

Thank you so much and I will keep you posted.

Random Facts

Have you ever been in a random mood?? Well, I am in one today, and quite frankly putting off what I need to be doing- that being lesson planning for both Cheer and English and taking a shower and doing my hair (which I am seriously considering just puting up in a bun). So, here goes my random rambling. Feel free to read and partake and tell me random things on your blogs. It makes me happy to hear such things.

1. I love Harry Potter. Like, love love. The other day I shot off fireworks, Roman Candles to be exact, and I felt like Harry Potter or Heromine Granger with their wands. It was pretty cool. You should try it. but you should also make sure it is pointed far away from you. Fire hazard, you know.
2. I have a Nook. It is super cool, but I have yet to finish a single book on it because I have bought 7 books on it and I am reading them all at the same time. I should really get on that....
3. I am really starting to get ready for Fall. In contemplating about the seasons, I have decided it is my favorite. This is a pretty big statement due to the fact that I love Christmas so much. But, Fall does usher in those seasons, thus why I love it. I also love crisp air, leaves, PUMPKIN SPICE LATTES, and listening to Brooke Fraser at this time. Oh, memories. Fall also has super cute clotehs and I can start wearing sweaters and sometimes my UGGS (which continue to be my favorite and most comfortable shoe EVER) during this season. I also get to see my fam more and my birthday is at this time. What more can a girl ask for.
4. I am on a Bethany Dillon kick these days. I love her music and her lyrics.
5. I am cutting my hair and coloring it back to my regular hair color. I am very excited. Why, do I always want to change my hair color and then decide that I should have stuck with what I had before. insecurity? or is it just I am impatient and want something new. Oh, the options that could be the answer...anyways, I am super excited about cutting my hair. It has been long for SOOOO long now. Time for a change! Woo!
6. It will be football season before we know it, which means I will have no life. I am excited to see the kiddos. I will actually know some of the kids on the football team this year due to the fact that I have taught many of them. And my girls will be cheering on the Varsity team. That is exciting.
7. I am moving to a different apartment and I am dreading packing Luckily I have two best friends who have nominated themselves to help me back. Thank you Elise and Robin. I will be holding you to this...at least you will help me calm down when this time comes. ;)
8. My dog likes to sleep. She sleeps all the time. Sometimes I think she has some form of narcolepsy, but then again maybe she is just lazy. She sure is cute though. And I am also glad I have her at night. I know she could not maul anyone if they broke in, but she could growl and bark really loud. Maybe.
9. My brother and his wife are having a baby girl. I am super excited to hold her and to spoil her and to sing to her and to love on her and to rock her and to read to her. I am really excited to buy her cute clothes and babysit her. I am also super excited that she will be mixed because she is going to be the cutest little girl ever. I cannot wait until she comes!! That is in the fall, too. See what I mean about the being the best season EVER!!!!!!! :)
10. I want to have a 10th interesting fact due to it being even. Let's see....I have decided I want to learn to play guitar. I am not the most AMAZING singer out there, but I would like to play guitar so I can at least have a little praise and worship time with myself and the Lord. Now, whether I will ever do that, we will see. Maybe I should pick up the piano again, at least I know the basics of that.

That is it for now. Thank you for partaking if you made it to the end. If you didn't, it is okay. I might not have either.

Talk to you soon!

A woman to be praised

As I am getting older, I am starting to realize what it will take to be a "woman to be praised" as Proverbs 31 talks about. I am also starting to realize how much of a fight it is between the flesh (what I want and feel like is right to do in a situation) and the Spirit. I am in a constant battle between what I should do and what I feel like I want to do in a situation. If you are woman, I am sure that you can relate to this. I am constantly going back and forth between trying to control and manipulate a situation, and then living in fear and anxiety about if I am not in control of a situation what might happen to me. What grieves my soul about this is how much I make it about me. I am constantly living in fear of what might happen rather than living in the present. I am not realizing and adopting the Lord's truths in my life, but rather claiming my falsehoods as truth and living in them. That, my friends, is a very dangerous and shallow living. The Lord has been gracious for the past few months of showing me how much insecurity I deal with on a daily basis and how much it affects my life, minute by minute. One might see this as an excuse that I am trying to use, but it is not. The accuser, as the Bible describes him in Revelation 12:10 is constantly "prowling like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour" (1 Pet 5). Where there are many times where my insecurities are self-imposed, there are also very real times I have believed what the accuser is accusing me of. Does that make sense? Have you ever felt that way? The Lord has graciously placed women in my life who help to call this out in me and help me see truth from falsehood. I am thankful for community such as these women. They help me see where the Lord is working, and also where I am not allowing Him to work. They also help me see His grace and His love for me in every single situation, while also helping to see the calming affects of his touch. You see, when the Lord starts working in you, there is no stopping Him. This has always been proven to be a great thing in my life, but has also always proven to have some growing pains associated with it. I am hard-headed at best, and like to be right. I don't like to be proven wrong, and where I would love to say that the Lord has hit that right out of me, I am sad to say, I am in a constant rendering of my soul to His plan and not mine. Through this, the Lord has shown me quite a bit more than I could have bargained for. Things that are hard for me to accept, such as me being precious in His sight, even when I sin constantly. That is hard for little Miss. Perfectionist to accept. If you are woman and you are reading this, maybe you relate. I am constantly checking my motives recently, and let me tell you friends, I have my own agenda at heart most of the time. This is sobering to see because that is not what I have been called to do or to be. I am not called to have my own agenda, but rather, I am called to have Lord's at heart. It is good to see what I want, and how that does not always align with what the Lord is calling me to, but it has also shown me what a sinful heart I have. I am very poor in Spirit, but through Christ, I am more. That, out of all things, has been very cool to see. He loves me enough to call these things out in me and let me have these great growing pains in my soul, to make me into something new. To make me into a woman, that hopefully is on the right track towards a Proverbs 31 woman. To eventually be that wife that uplifts her husband and to be that Mom that loves her kids and prays for children without ceasing. Who not only loves her kids, but speaks truth into their lives even when it is hard to hear. Who is constantly on her knees before the Lord so that she may know the heart of Him who made her. I want to be that woman so badly. I desire to know the Lord's will and let that play out in my life. I desire for insecurity not to have a stronghold in my life, but rather render that to the Lord and be confident in that fact. Where I am far away from that now, I am starting to believe it is possible.

To be quite transparent with you today, yesterday was one of those days where I was really feeling the weight of insecurity all around me. It was so strong, I really felt helpless in every situation. Have you ever felt that way ladies? I felt like everything I was doing was just a symptom of insecurity, yet I had NO idea how to tame it. I was talking to the Lord all day yesterday, asking for peace, and there were definite glimpses, but still in the midst of that insecurity I felt powerless and helpless, and just plain defeated. I am a studier by nature. I love reading and I love finding out things by studying books and the Word. I also love to write. The Lord uses this in my life to develop an affection for Him that is beyond anything I have ever experienced. He tends to allow me to be reading or studying material that is PERFECT, timing-wise, in my life. Right now I am reading and devouring a book called So Long, Insecurity and also doing a study called Living Beyond yourself Exploring the Fruit of the Spirit. Both of these are by Beth Moore, and can I just tell you that through the Lord that woman is blowing me up. The Lord has totally put these two things in my life and before me because He drastically wants to change the way that I see things and myself. This is hard for me to admit, because if I am being honest, I tend to not always see myself in the best light. Why would I be worth wanting? This is something that has come about in the last few years, that I am recognizing now as insecurity. It has now been deeply rooted, thus why it is painful to dig it out. (Disclaimer- I am not telling you this because I want you to feel bad for me, but because maybe you relate. Maybe you feel the same way...) With this, the Lord had me read and write out a prayer this morning. I would like to share some of it with you. This prayer is from the book So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore. Most of it is what she had already written out. I will not share exactly what I have written on the parts where I shared because this is a blog, and I feel like some things should be kept. :) However, I would like to share some it. I hope it blesses your heart like it does mine. I highly encourage any women reading this to go get this book. It has been life changing for me. So, I leave you with the prayer. I will warn you that it is long, if you do not read all of it, please come back to it. I promise you it will not leave you feeling disappointed or as if you wasted your time. Love you all...

Deliver me, Lord. You have not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love, and of a sound mind. That's what scripture says. I claim each of those priceless traits as mine this day. Your desire is for me to be free of every unhealthy motivation. Reveal any place they reside uncontested in me, and supply the courage I need to refuse to do their biding. You have searched the deepest recesses of my heart and mind. I don't need to hide anything from You or act stronger or more together than I am. Help me to come before You with complete transparency, and grant me a supernatural confidence that I am safe with You and loved by you. I don't have to muster up feelings I don't posses or hang my head in defeat or shame. Because of your grace I can come just as I am. This is the way I would describe myself to You right now...(Insert your own feelings here)

But Lord, You know me better than I know myself. You know why I think like I do why I feel like I do. You know my every thought. My every disappointment. You know every ugly and ridiculous thing I've ever said or done out of insecurity. You see every fissure in my soul, and look beyond the point of my failure to the depth of my need. As you reveal yourself in me, I ask that you also mercifully reveal myself to me. Grant me insight into patterns I've developed, and give me answers that bring healing. Make me wholly unafraid of anything that I might see in myself in the light you provide. Help me to trust that You only shed light where You're willing to heal.

God you know the complexities of my soul and that most of the time I can't even figure myself out. You know how I swing like a dizzy pendulum between self-loathing and self-exaltation. As I begin this prayer of restoration, I ask you Lord, to help me take responsibility for the insecurity that is my own doing. My own fault. My own sin. I am painfully aware that I've created some of my own misery. I have tried to make a god of myself too many times, and it hasn't worked. It will never work. In calling me to this time of confession, Your desire is my freedom, not my self-condemnation, so with confidence, I welcome the one and reject the other. With these things hear my confessions.. (you insert here..:))

Please forgive me of my self worship. For my relentless pursuit of control and for my futile attempts at doing your job. Forgive me for my foolish pride. Forgive me for nursing my ego until it grows so fat that everything touching it bruises it. Forgive me for my miserable self-absorption. Forgive me for the jealousy and covetousness that feed my insecurity. Forgive me for turning too many things into competitions. For being so fixated on what I don't have that I leave the gifts that you have given me undeveloped and much less effective than you intended them to be. Forgive me for thinking pitifully little of the person you've made. Forgive me for committing the flagrant sin of despising myself and considering myself inferior to others. Forgive me equally for every time I've sighed with relief at the thought that I might be superior after all. Forgive me for my unbelief. If I realized how valuable I am, my insatiable need for affirmation would be quieted. Forgive me for being such a perfectionist that resist doing something good out of fear it won't be great. Forgive me for the inordinate self-protection that has only managed to imprison me. Forgive me also for... (your turn again, Ladies...)

This very moment I receive your lavish forgiveness and Your complete cleansing and in Your name I realize all the shame that has come from self-inflicted insecurity. From now on Lord, and every day for the rest of my life, heighten my conviction until I'm instantly aware when insecurity is my own making. Help me to recognize any form of pride or unbelief and to refuse it immediately.

Now, Lord, I ask you to pull up the roots of insecurity that were not of my own doing, and usher in the healing and restoration. You know every single place where instability has touched my life. You remember details that were long erased from my memory but are still inflicting insecurity. You know what first frightened me into believing that no one and nothing could be trusted and that I'm on my own out here in a very unsafe world. You know the rational origin of every irrational fear. You know where I developed a belief system based on the frailties of man instead of the bedrock of you. You have been with me every moment even when I felt there was no one to take care of me. I give You my whole heart. Touch every broken and wounded place with your healing hand.

Lord, empower me to forgive those who have let me down, failed to protect me, or inflicted injury upon me. Help me to see them as needy, broken people in their own right, and Lord where there is still life and opportunity, bring redemption to those relationships. Help me to understand the gravity of this juncture: that if I do not seek healing and wholeness, I will instead end up perpetuating the cycle of injury. Break the cycle with me, O Lord. Break the cycle with me.

I pray this blesses you today. I also pray that if you relate with anything I am saying that the Lord will really start to do a major work in you, as he is in me. He is SO gracious and SO good and we should be so grateful that He has chosen us to work in. Praise be to His glorious name!

Until Later, I love you all.

Ashie

Time for a change

I have been wanting to write for quite some time now, but have either not had time or hit a wall while writing. So here I am again, hoping to finish out at least one meaningful post.

Do you ever feel restless? I am sure that this is a silly question being as if you are a woman and you are reading this blog, you might have felt restless and just decided to look at some blogs to preoccupy your mind a bit. I am restless today. Not a bad kind of restless, but I think more of a restlessness that is just going to play itself out and then I will figure out why I am restless. Summer has begun, and cheer camp is over. Praise the Lord. Today was my first real day of nothing planned. Well, I take that back, I had something this morning for school, but it was done by 11. All that to say, I grabbed a nice little bite with my grandparents at their casa and then came back home, jumped in my pjs and hopped into bed with my journal, Bible and So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. It has been awhile since I have had nothing planned for an extended period of time, and so I thought I would just rest. My plan was to read and journal and then in the lull and calm, I would fall into a deep sleep and take the most wonderful nap of my life. Alas, that is not exactly what happened. I found myself first opening my journal and writing down goals I had for myself this summer. Not necessarily a bad thing...I mean a girl has got to have goals, right?! Especially Miss. Planned, here. Then I started reading. As I was reading from my amazing book I got to a stopping point and decided to take a nap. And then the phone rang. So much for the nap. The funny thing about today has been how much my interruptions have seemed to point me towards Jesus. Instead of napping and resting that way, I have really gotten a chance to rest in the Lord. It has been a fun day. The title of my post today is "Time for Change". The reason I have entitled that is because the Lord has really done some work in my heart in the past half of the year. Well, really the past 3 years, but I have seen significant changes in the past 6-7 months. It has actually been quite cool, because where I was feeling like I was in the wilderness and still really trying to seek Him, I am now seeing a lot of things come to fruition which creates an amazing amount of thanksgiving in my heart as well as praise. How great is my God that he would be gracious enough to show me such love and at that, lavish it upon me. Even in some situations that have happened personally and professionally the Lord has used certain people to engage me and call me on some things, that I believe the Lord has been trying to show me for a long time. It was a like a light-bulb went off. I very, very bright light-bulb that is so blinding you wonder how you did not see it the whole time. As much as I can grow weary of the wilderness season, it has been ever so lovely to see Christ in so much of ins and outs of my life lately. He is just soooooo good!! He constantly amazes me with HOW MUCH grace He lavishes upon me. He continues to unravel these truths for me and show me that they are actual truths and I need to abide in them and just trust Him.

All this to say, today will not be a long post (at least for me, you know I am long-winded) but I wanted to drop a line and say hello and just talk about how GOOD our God is. Here pretty soon I will be changing up my blog a bit. I think it is time for a change since the Lord is doing so much in my heart! I am SUPER excited for what He might have me share on this. One I guess, if nothing else, to brag on how GREAT He is. (Disclaimer: He doesn't need me to brag on Him, but it is fun when I can;)) Some of the things I hope to talk about are the following- how the Lord is working on my heart about insecurity, pride, fear and anxiety. So many of these issues He is helping me battle out....hopefully to the DEATH! I know you may be thinking, Ashley calm down, but I am really pumped to see what He is up to with me. I am telling you, He is up to something, and I LOVE it!

I will leave you with some truths I am loving right now!!

I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

Isaiah 41:9-10

Do not be deceived my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whole there is not variation or shadow due to change. Of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of first fruits of his creatures.

James 1:16-19

Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on the earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you will also appear with him in glory. Put to death therefore what is earthy in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming. In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander and obscene talk from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on a new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has given you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love , which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

Colossians 3:2-10,12-15

Love you guys! I will write again soon! :)

Hair Conundrum

color?
color?
not color, but cut??
cut?? Really, just the bangs:)
color?
My hair is killing me...so, now is the time for input. PLEASE...

I have been told to stay brown, but I am not totally shut down to the idea of going to back to blonde-ish. Defintely not Blonde-blonde, but sunkissed maybe?!? My hair is just driving me crazy, and I just want something fun. input please :)