A woman to be praised

As I am getting older, I am starting to realize what it will take to be a "woman to be praised" as Proverbs 31 talks about. I am also starting to realize how much of a fight it is between the flesh (what I want and feel like is right to do in a situation) and the Spirit. I am in a constant battle between what I should do and what I feel like I want to do in a situation. If you are woman, I am sure that you can relate to this. I am constantly going back and forth between trying to control and manipulate a situation, and then living in fear and anxiety about if I am not in control of a situation what might happen to me. What grieves my soul about this is how much I make it about me. I am constantly living in fear of what might happen rather than living in the present. I am not realizing and adopting the Lord's truths in my life, but rather claiming my falsehoods as truth and living in them. That, my friends, is a very dangerous and shallow living. The Lord has been gracious for the past few months of showing me how much insecurity I deal with on a daily basis and how much it affects my life, minute by minute. One might see this as an excuse that I am trying to use, but it is not. The accuser, as the Bible describes him in Revelation 12:10 is constantly "prowling like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour" (1 Pet 5). Where there are many times where my insecurities are self-imposed, there are also very real times I have believed what the accuser is accusing me of. Does that make sense? Have you ever felt that way? The Lord has graciously placed women in my life who help to call this out in me and help me see truth from falsehood. I am thankful for community such as these women. They help me see where the Lord is working, and also where I am not allowing Him to work. They also help me see His grace and His love for me in every single situation, while also helping to see the calming affects of his touch. You see, when the Lord starts working in you, there is no stopping Him. This has always been proven to be a great thing in my life, but has also always proven to have some growing pains associated with it. I am hard-headed at best, and like to be right. I don't like to be proven wrong, and where I would love to say that the Lord has hit that right out of me, I am sad to say, I am in a constant rendering of my soul to His plan and not mine. Through this, the Lord has shown me quite a bit more than I could have bargained for. Things that are hard for me to accept, such as me being precious in His sight, even when I sin constantly. That is hard for little Miss. Perfectionist to accept. If you are woman and you are reading this, maybe you relate. I am constantly checking my motives recently, and let me tell you friends, I have my own agenda at heart most of the time. This is sobering to see because that is not what I have been called to do or to be. I am not called to have my own agenda, but rather, I am called to have Lord's at heart. It is good to see what I want, and how that does not always align with what the Lord is calling me to, but it has also shown me what a sinful heart I have. I am very poor in Spirit, but through Christ, I am more. That, out of all things, has been very cool to see. He loves me enough to call these things out in me and let me have these great growing pains in my soul, to make me into something new. To make me into a woman, that hopefully is on the right track towards a Proverbs 31 woman. To eventually be that wife that uplifts her husband and to be that Mom that loves her kids and prays for children without ceasing. Who not only loves her kids, but speaks truth into their lives even when it is hard to hear. Who is constantly on her knees before the Lord so that she may know the heart of Him who made her. I want to be that woman so badly. I desire to know the Lord's will and let that play out in my life. I desire for insecurity not to have a stronghold in my life, but rather render that to the Lord and be confident in that fact. Where I am far away from that now, I am starting to believe it is possible.

To be quite transparent with you today, yesterday was one of those days where I was really feeling the weight of insecurity all around me. It was so strong, I really felt helpless in every situation. Have you ever felt that way ladies? I felt like everything I was doing was just a symptom of insecurity, yet I had NO idea how to tame it. I was talking to the Lord all day yesterday, asking for peace, and there were definite glimpses, but still in the midst of that insecurity I felt powerless and helpless, and just plain defeated. I am a studier by nature. I love reading and I love finding out things by studying books and the Word. I also love to write. The Lord uses this in my life to develop an affection for Him that is beyond anything I have ever experienced. He tends to allow me to be reading or studying material that is PERFECT, timing-wise, in my life. Right now I am reading and devouring a book called So Long, Insecurity and also doing a study called Living Beyond yourself Exploring the Fruit of the Spirit. Both of these are by Beth Moore, and can I just tell you that through the Lord that woman is blowing me up. The Lord has totally put these two things in my life and before me because He drastically wants to change the way that I see things and myself. This is hard for me to admit, because if I am being honest, I tend to not always see myself in the best light. Why would I be worth wanting? This is something that has come about in the last few years, that I am recognizing now as insecurity. It has now been deeply rooted, thus why it is painful to dig it out. (Disclaimer- I am not telling you this because I want you to feel bad for me, but because maybe you relate. Maybe you feel the same way...) With this, the Lord had me read and write out a prayer this morning. I would like to share some of it with you. This prayer is from the book So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore. Most of it is what she had already written out. I will not share exactly what I have written on the parts where I shared because this is a blog, and I feel like some things should be kept. :) However, I would like to share some it. I hope it blesses your heart like it does mine. I highly encourage any women reading this to go get this book. It has been life changing for me. So, I leave you with the prayer. I will warn you that it is long, if you do not read all of it, please come back to it. I promise you it will not leave you feeling disappointed or as if you wasted your time. Love you all...

Deliver me, Lord. You have not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love, and of a sound mind. That's what scripture says. I claim each of those priceless traits as mine this day. Your desire is for me to be free of every unhealthy motivation. Reveal any place they reside uncontested in me, and supply the courage I need to refuse to do their biding. You have searched the deepest recesses of my heart and mind. I don't need to hide anything from You or act stronger or more together than I am. Help me to come before You with complete transparency, and grant me a supernatural confidence that I am safe with You and loved by you. I don't have to muster up feelings I don't posses or hang my head in defeat or shame. Because of your grace I can come just as I am. This is the way I would describe myself to You right now...(Insert your own feelings here)

But Lord, You know me better than I know myself. You know why I think like I do why I feel like I do. You know my every thought. My every disappointment. You know every ugly and ridiculous thing I've ever said or done out of insecurity. You see every fissure in my soul, and look beyond the point of my failure to the depth of my need. As you reveal yourself in me, I ask that you also mercifully reveal myself to me. Grant me insight into patterns I've developed, and give me answers that bring healing. Make me wholly unafraid of anything that I might see in myself in the light you provide. Help me to trust that You only shed light where You're willing to heal.

God you know the complexities of my soul and that most of the time I can't even figure myself out. You know how I swing like a dizzy pendulum between self-loathing and self-exaltation. As I begin this prayer of restoration, I ask you Lord, to help me take responsibility for the insecurity that is my own doing. My own fault. My own sin. I am painfully aware that I've created some of my own misery. I have tried to make a god of myself too many times, and it hasn't worked. It will never work. In calling me to this time of confession, Your desire is my freedom, not my self-condemnation, so with confidence, I welcome the one and reject the other. With these things hear my confessions.. (you insert here..:))

Please forgive me of my self worship. For my relentless pursuit of control and for my futile attempts at doing your job. Forgive me for my foolish pride. Forgive me for nursing my ego until it grows so fat that everything touching it bruises it. Forgive me for my miserable self-absorption. Forgive me for the jealousy and covetousness that feed my insecurity. Forgive me for turning too many things into competitions. For being so fixated on what I don't have that I leave the gifts that you have given me undeveloped and much less effective than you intended them to be. Forgive me for thinking pitifully little of the person you've made. Forgive me for committing the flagrant sin of despising myself and considering myself inferior to others. Forgive me equally for every time I've sighed with relief at the thought that I might be superior after all. Forgive me for my unbelief. If I realized how valuable I am, my insatiable need for affirmation would be quieted. Forgive me for being such a perfectionist that resist doing something good out of fear it won't be great. Forgive me for the inordinate self-protection that has only managed to imprison me. Forgive me also for... (your turn again, Ladies...)

This very moment I receive your lavish forgiveness and Your complete cleansing and in Your name I realize all the shame that has come from self-inflicted insecurity. From now on Lord, and every day for the rest of my life, heighten my conviction until I'm instantly aware when insecurity is my own making. Help me to recognize any form of pride or unbelief and to refuse it immediately.

Now, Lord, I ask you to pull up the roots of insecurity that were not of my own doing, and usher in the healing and restoration. You know every single place where instability has touched my life. You remember details that were long erased from my memory but are still inflicting insecurity. You know what first frightened me into believing that no one and nothing could be trusted and that I'm on my own out here in a very unsafe world. You know the rational origin of every irrational fear. You know where I developed a belief system based on the frailties of man instead of the bedrock of you. You have been with me every moment even when I felt there was no one to take care of me. I give You my whole heart. Touch every broken and wounded place with your healing hand.

Lord, empower me to forgive those who have let me down, failed to protect me, or inflicted injury upon me. Help me to see them as needy, broken people in their own right, and Lord where there is still life and opportunity, bring redemption to those relationships. Help me to understand the gravity of this juncture: that if I do not seek healing and wholeness, I will instead end up perpetuating the cycle of injury. Break the cycle with me, O Lord. Break the cycle with me.

I pray this blesses you today. I also pray that if you relate with anything I am saying that the Lord will really start to do a major work in you, as he is in me. He is SO gracious and SO good and we should be so grateful that He has chosen us to work in. Praise be to His glorious name!

Until Later, I love you all.

Ashie