at a loss

At a loss for words here lately. I think I have gotten here quite a few times to write, and as I am writing I realize that what I am typing may not be that interesting, or is complaining or just have had a hard time finishing posts. Hopefully, I will finish this one. Today was one of those days where I came to a lot of conclusions about myself. Not necessarily bad, but just coming to realize who exactly I am, and what I probably cannot be, and maybe a little bit of what I may eventually be capable of. Cheerleading has taken over much of my time in the past 6 weeks. And let me tell you, it has been a fast and furious and hard 6 weeks, but I think it is finally starting to slow down. I hope anyways...;). I don't know exactly what I was expecting as a first year head coach, but I do not think I was expecting exactly all that has come with this job. I constantly running with a chicken with her head cut off (but as the weeks have gone by, a much more GRACEFUL chicken with her head cut off) and I have learned a lot about myself in these 6 weeks. I have learned that insecurities come out a flyin' when you are faced with a very hard challenge you don't know if you can get through. I have learned, once again, the Lord is always there and always, always takes care of me. In a couple of situations this year I have become extremely frustrated and have questioned that a bit. I have questioned the whole, God is out for our good thing. I know, that is terrible, but there it is. It is something that I have struggled with for quite awhile. I feel like the Lord is constantly trying to hammer this into my head, and little hard headed Ash tends to need hard lessons to learn this. It is super frustrating on my end at times/extremely cool how the Lord works these things out and shows me. It is always hard, but it is frustrating because I feel like I should know this by now. After all that the Lord has taken me through, you think by this point I would know and BELIEVE that He is out for my good, right? Wrong, hard-headed Ash is constantly doubting. I just have gotten so annoyed with myself about this. I am constantly asking for reassurance, constantly questioning, instead of just believing that the Lord has got it and being secure in Him. Oh, the lessons that I have yet to learn. In the same way though, it has been extremely cool to see the Lord working in and around my life through all of this and other such things He has placed in my life. When I take myself out of the picture, stop being so selfish, and look at what is going around me, I will see He is out for my good and out for all our, as believers, good. He is so stinkin' good I think that is when the frustration hits. When will I actually start believing that?! Knowing that every single day, no matter the trial, or what small or big thing is going on, He is out for our Good and for His glory. When will that be enough? Today was one of those days where I feel like my sense of entitlement was magnified and I was reminded how selfish I actually am. First it was the still small voice about a situation, then it was my sweet boyfriend bringing something to my attention, and then it was me seeing some of the hurts that my girls are going through and dealing with at such a young age. All of that coupled together is the Lord out for my good. Out to teach me, mold me, refine me; make me into something beautiful. I am thankful for that. I am thankful He loves me enough to continually show me things about me and also that are outside of me and point me to Him. He has beyond blessed me with the people in my life. Even in the hard times, even when cheerleading is pushing me past the point of frustration, and even when I am at happiest, He has it all under control. He knows what He is doing. He is out for my good. Oh, that I would keep pressing into that fact, and that I would truly believe it.