You're All I need!

My heart is really heavy right now, but in a way that I don’t really know how to explain. However, I am in a writing sort of mood, so bear with me as I try to explain. There are have been so many things that have happened in the past 3 weeks and bottom line what comes to mind when thinking about everything and how things are starting to play out… is that God is gracious, kind, and above all HE IS BETTER. Do you ever have those days, where the only thing you can think of to do is just run to Jesus? These days, even though many times they are tough, are what I long for on a daily basis. Maybe not the part where they are really quote, unquote hard day; but the part about constantly running to Jesus. Never taking my gaze off Jesus, even for a second, is where I long to be. I long to constantly be engaging the Lord, and for the Lord to engaging me. For a soul that thirsts to go deeper on a regular basis, and not just is content with staying surface.
I am in a home group full of girls who, relationally wise, I have been able to go deep with and been able to bear my soul without condemnation. These girls are full of grace and love, and glimpses into who Christ has made us all to be, and is working on us to become. I am so thankful for what the Lord has done this past year. Broken engagement and all, the Lord is better. The Lord is good. The Lord is better than any relationship, friendship, material things… anything, that I could ever imagine or try to posesss. I cannot even imagine trying to look at a situation, or having days like this, without knowing the Lord. Knowing His love and joy are sufficient and will never fail.
There are many reasons that I have been heavy-hearted in the past couple of weeks, some of which, I do not plan on mentioning on my blog ;). However, I would like to share a few things. I am in a step-study currently though the church that I go to (The Village Church) and the Lord is doing some amazing things. I have had an anxiousness problem for about a year or so now. Maybe a little longer… but it has been most severe in the last year. I went to Recovery for several different things that coincided with my anxiousness and worry, but the Lord has begun to show me how much more it is about my Pride and Fear of man, and when really getting down to it… my control issues and taking my gaze off of the Lord… if even for a second. This not only has been an amazing process, but it has also been hard. Bittersweet perhaps… but more sweet J Not only is the Lord so gracious to give me glimpses into my depraved soul, but he is gracious enough to start showing me some healing in some areas that I did not know if I would ever be healed of. I have, and I am still finding out who I am in HIM. Not who I am in man’s eyes, but instead looking to Him for the grace and Love that only HE can give. How lucky we are to have a Sweet Jesus who took the wrath of our sins on the cross so that we could receive this amazing love. It is in a word unfathomable that he did such a thing, but how grateful I am. I am sure I will never be thankful enough, or fully understand the wrath that He endured on the cross, so that we may be free… but nevertheless, I am in constant awe of His grace and kindness.
I just found out that one of my dear friends, April, has cancer. This type of cancer is very rare, and can not be treated with chemo or radiation. I cannot say enough about this woman’s character and love for the Lord. Her faith is unwavering, and the way she is handling this all is far beyond I can even fathom. I have no clue how I would handle such news, but she knows that this is all apart of the Lords will. As much as I know that the Lord is in control, it is hard for me to have that kind of faith sometimes. I cannot tell you enough about April and her sweet character that she has shown me in just the little time that we have known one another, but in one word she is Faithful to our sweet Jesus. She knows his plan is far better than ours, and his will will prevail above our own. I ask you to pray for April. She is an amazing 22 year old woman who loves the Lord deeply and would appreciate your prayers for COMPLETE healing. I know prayer works. I pray that you will see this and commit to pray for her. She is an amazing woman is who is going to do great things for the Lord. I also ask that you pray for her pain levels. The tumor is on her muscle, which I can guess is VERY painful. They are going back in in a couple of weeks to remove more of the tumor. Cutting into the muscle is supposed to be a very painful process, so I just ask that you also pray that her pain level is minimal with all of these procedures going on.
I know I have put this on here before, but I would like to leave you with two songs…. Love you guys.
“Waiting Room”
I will run, I cannot walk. I will sing when there is no song, I will pray when there is no prayer. I will listen when I cannot hear. Sitting in the waiting room of silence. Waiting for that still, soft voice I know. Offering my words to the roof tops in your house… trusting that this closet’s where you are.
Lord, I know if you change my mind, you will change my heart in time. Soveriegn Lord, this time is from you. So, I sit in the waiting room of silence. Because its all about you.
I will fight, I cannot fear. I will trust when you don’t seem real. I tell when I cannot speak. I will step when I cannot see. Sitting in the waiting room of Silence, waiting for that still, soft voice I know. Offering my words up to the rooftops in your house. Trusting that this closet is where you are….
Lord I know if you change my mind, you will change my heart in time. Soveriegn Lord this time is from you, so I sit in the waiting room.

“My Hope”
You’re All I need. Apart from you, I can’t breathe. You’re all I need. Apart from you, I can’t see that… I’m broken, and bent sin, I’m desperate, and dirty within. I’m broken, and bent to sin. I’m desperate, and dirty within. You are my Hope! You are my Joy! You are my reason for living!!