The Lord has more or less been hammering this fact into my head here lately. With so many changes going on my life in the past few weeks, it is not totally crazy (if you know me..) for me to be as stressed as I am. I worry that I might fail. I worry that things won't work out. I worry that I am not being a good teacher or more, that I am not being the BEST teacher. I want the kids to not only learn from me and what I am teaching, but also know that I love them and that I care for them. Then, enter Varsity Cheerleading and Ash is a little stressed, to say the least. When things at work are stressful, or whenever any of my life really gets stressful, I tend to focus on every single little thing to make sure that I am "performing" well. Am I being a good friend? Am I loving others like I should? Am I doing my job to the best of my ability? Am I showing the love of Christ on a daily basis instead of being selfish and just looking out for myself? Am I loving on my kids like I should? Am I giving them my full attention when I should be? Am I being a good family member? Am I going to visit my grandpa that is really sick? All these things (and more) are questions that I ask of myself on a daily basis, sometimes hourly basis. One would say that is a bit obsessive. But, there it is.
One thing that has been on my mind quite a bit here lately is how I measure what I do. The song by Brooke Fraser, "Arithmetic" comes to mind. I am constantly trying to figure out if what I do adds up enough to be loved or admired, or whatever you want to call it. I always seem to think in the way of if I do x, y, and z this will make whomever (sometimes even the Lord) love me more. It is silly and really bad theology. The Lord doesn't love some future version of me, He loves me now. That is something that I have a hard time with. I mean, I am mess and here lately I could readily name everything for you about myself that is a mess that I need to be better about. It is hard for me to rest my mind in the Lord because I am constantly worried about something. Now, if you read my blog, you know that this is nothing new for me. The Lord is constantly working on me in the way of just resting in Him and knowing that He loves me right now. Right where I am...and He knew before time I was going to be like this. :) If only I could see that every single second of the day...I believe I would be much more at ease.
I am reading this book called, "Overcoming Fear, Worry and Anxiety" by Elyse Fitzpatrick. It is really good and has hit me in between the eyes every time I have read something from it. It is one of those books that I believe will take me awhile to finish because I am trying to absorb as much of it as possible. In the first part of the book it talks about what fear is and if you are indeed actually characterized by fear, worry or anxiety. It says, "Things are too good, this can't last, or Things are awful, this will never change!" The author goes on to say that she knows what it is to "feel like this and live in a state of constant muscle tightening and stomach churning and wrestling with the thought that everything is about to collapse. To let her mind go down every rabbit trail- imagining that the children are dead or her husband has lost his love for her or that she has some dread disease or...on and on it goes." These are all where my mind goes so much of the time (well, except the kids and husband thing...but variations of this still...) and so many times I choose to live in a state of fear, worry or anxiety instead of just giving it to the Lord and resting in Him. I know that many times we say that this is easier said than done, but the Lord has been so gracious lately that ANYTIME I go to Him, he gives me such a peace. If only I could be in the word all day and then feel this all the time. OR, if only I could trust that all the time the Lord has got me. That He has me here for a reason and that He knows what steps I will take and where He is going to take me. If only I realized that I did not add an hour to my day by worrying.
Last night I re-listened to a sermon by Adam Thomason, one of our campus pastors, about Biblical Faith vs. Counterfeit Faith. He spoke from John 4:36-38. "I sent you to reap for that which you did not labor." Adam goes on to say, "Oh how limitless would it be for a disciple of Christ if we were not limited by our circumstances." He spoke about how we should stop focusing on the flesh, but rather the spiritual element of things. He spoke about the assurance of things hoped for, not of things seen as well as the FACT that the Lord has gone before us and has planned all this to play out as it is pleasing to Him. We too often focus on whatever is going on and how it will affect ME and this given point and time, or in the future, rather than focusing on the greater thing...that being the Lord and His kingdom. He spoke about Hebrews 11 and how there were many that "died in faith not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on Earth." (Hebrews 11:13) By faith the Lord has asked us to trust him. Not to worry about what is to come or how we are going to get there, or how things are going to work out, but rather just trust Him. The Lord has really, really, REALLY been trying to hammer this into my head. And, yet, I still have days like today, after he shows me this again and again, where I worry all day. I worry about others not liking me, or me failing at things, or me not doing my job well, or my kids, or the list could go on and on.
"Already the one who reaps is receiving wages and gathering fruit for eternal life, so that sower and reaper may rejoice together. For here the saying holds true, One sows and another reaps. I sent you to reap that which you did not labor. Others have labored, and you have entered into their labor."
John 5:36-38
So, it is not about me. Rather, it is about Him. Every single thing I do should be looked at from that perspective, rather than my obsessive, people-pleasing have to make sure everything is fine with everyone perspective.
All this to say... the Lord is giving me a lot to think about, and I am thankful for that. It is never fun to look at your junk, because when you look at your junk you tend to see how deprived you are. But, oh, how wonderful the grace of Jesus that he saves us and reconciles us to Himself. I love Him and I am so thankful for his grace, and that he accepts me as I am. Even when it is hard for me to see that fact. I am sorry if you are a friend, or someone near and dear to me and you have had to deal with all of this with me here lately. I am trying to work on it...it is just a daily giving-over-to-the Lord kind of thing right now. In His grace, eventually I will get it. Until then, I will try to rest in Him and give it to Him daily. Thanks for dealing with me in the meantime...
Love you guys! Thanks for listening...
Ash:)
No comments:
Post a Comment