An atempt to unpack my life.

"And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age."

Matthew 28:20

(Below are some excerpts from The Power of the Cross by Charles Stanley)

"If you are in a position where you know that you cannot do something in and of your own strength, and that unless you completely trust God to do the work in you and through you, you will fail, then you are in the best possible position for the task to be accomplished. God knew before He asked you to do something that you couldn't do it by yourself. Ask the Lord to show you the first step that you need to take toward the goal. Do what He shows you do with all your strength, might, and talent. And then look for the second step that He leads you to take."

"I cannot do this, God, but You can. I'm willing to do whatever You tell me to do, but You'll have to provide the energy, the ideas, the resources, and the talent in order for this to get done."

The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid? Ps. 27:1

God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Ps.46:1

Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God. 2 Cor. 3:5

" When you are feeling burned out....

1. Put yourself into a position to rest. Take a long enough break for your body to mend, your mind to clear, and your heart to heal.

2. Ask the Lord to show you how to trust Him more.

3. Admit to the Lord that you are responsible for your burnout tendencies. Ask the Lord to show you what to do about the inner pain and emotional baggage that may be driving you to strive relentlessly for approval and perfection." "Lord, take the inner pain and the driving force within me causing restlessness and frustration. I release the responsibilities of my life to You. Show me how to lighten my load."

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matt. 11:28

Cast your burden on the Lord, And He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved. Ps. 55:22

Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

The past 4 months have been something that I am not used to. They have been non-stop. Now where I am never one to like to just sit, I have longed for it lately. Not even just longed, but really needed it. (Which is what I am getting at the moment due to being sick and not really having another option). One thing I am having to learn to do is rest in the Lord. One would say that patience is not one of my greatest attributes. And the word waiting has never been one of my favorite words.

In the past four months I have gone through a breakup with a guy I really did like, my papa has been really sick (near-death sick), my apartment has flooded and my stuff was ruined, I have started to take over a cheerleading program, my brother got married, and school has been a bit crazy with changes and such, and just in general life has been hectic. Now, I would be silly to think that I am the only one who has such things in thier life, however, I also think I need to notice it is time for me to take a breath. In talking to my mom yesterday in a near panic, she said, "Ash, you have to look at everything you have had going on in the past 4 months. You have had a lot on you plate, and no time to really process or rest in the meantime." The thing is, I just want to go ALL OF THE TIME. I never want to stop. When something stops I tend to just throw myself into something else. What I am finding is with me constantly throwing myself into things or activities, I am giving myself NO time to rest in the Lord. None.

I went to Hawaii a few weeks ago. It was beautiful, and quite honestly I had some amazing one-on-one time with the Lord. My sweet brother got married to the love of his life. And where it was a wonderful get-away, as soon as we got back I hit the ground running. I was trying to move back into my apartment, keep up with school, get everything organized and ready for my kids, and also get ready to take over the Varisty cheerleading program. The thing is...we all need time to rest. And there are going to be times when we hit rock-bottom. I think I have met my point. I think this sickness came at just the right time. I know may be a little silly to write...I only have fluish like stuff, not anything life-threatening...but if I have not learned anything else from the Lord, I have learned this...he will make you rest and get before Him when it is needed. I have tried feverishly to take everything into my own hands and make everything work. The thing is, I am not the one who can make everything work seemlessly together; only He can. And when I start to try to do this on my own, I only realize how very dependent I am on my God and how very inadaquate I am without him. I have no clue how people do things in their own strength because anytime I try to do that I fall flat on my face. I lose perspective. I forgot why I am teaching. Why I am taking over the Cheer program. I forget almost how to do things. I can't remember why I am in the place that I am. I can't seem to find focus and at times, when I am in the place, if I am drawing near to God, I am not really drawing near because it is on my terms.

The thing is that the Lord has placed me in this time for a reason. I am single right now for a reason. I have all the responsiblities I have at school, for a reason. Everything has happened for a reason, and regardless of the way I feel about my present situation, I have to look to Christ for any sort of validation or wholeness that I need. When I start looking to the left or the right for this validation, or acceptance, or understanding, I will be deeply disapointed. What I am finding is NOT ONE THING or PERSON can fill me like Christ. And the frustrating thing in all this, is I know that. But I act like I don't. And quite honestly, I more or less seem to not really "know" in my heart that Christ is sufficient. He is where I have to find my worth. He is where I have to go to find rest and peace and understanding and love. He is the only one that will complete me, and in this season of unknown and newness, I have to trust that He is sufficient and HE ALONE is where I will find rest and acceptance. I have to trust Him with the people in my life who are sick and aren't well. I have to trust Him in what my school has entrusted me with. I have to trust Him with where He has put me and what He is doing and yet to do.

I just have to trust. If you ever read my blog, you might be thinking...this girl has written this same thing about 50 times. You are so right. But thank God, He has yet to grow tired of me and I can still go to Him when I am doubtful and fearful of what is to come.

Praise Him in that.

I love you all. Thanks for listening. As soon as I get my camera thingy up and running I will put up pictures of my brother's wedding. It was beautiful.

Until later.

What a week.

There are days you know exactly what you are doing. Why you do it, and why it makes you happy. Then there are days that you really wonder why, oh why do you do what you do? No the kind of 'why am I doing this' where you want to quit entirely...but defintely puts you in a place where you wonder why things are the way they are. Why do people suffer? Why is that the way it has to be? Why can't everyday just be a day in which everything goes right. Where everything, even if it seems to not be falling in the right place, will somehow, some way, find its place. The past few days have been exhausting to say the least. Due to the part of blogging that is not exactly private, I cannot release the details of why it has been so bad. Let's just say the rain really does seem to make people crazy. It seems to make people act in ways that would not usually.

School has been hard lately. This week is has been a see-saw of ups and downs. At one moment I see such growth in my kids and then on the other hand these details are revealed about their lives that make me just want to cry out for them. You have heard me say this before, but these kids have it harder than many other people I have ever known. Then you think outside of that. What is happening to the people that you love. My pastor has a brain tumor. Even though we go to a big church, he has been someone who has really impacted my life with only personally really talking to him a couple of times. You wonder why things like this happen to such amazing Godly, people. You read the word, and somewhat understand, but I still do not think it takes away our longing to see an end to all this. Then you even look outside of that, what is happening on a global/world level. Haiti. Have you watched Marc Driscoll's sermon on Haiti. He recently went to Haiti. It is heartbreaking. I guess my point is, this is one of those weeks where you know what you believe, but you also know you need to be reminded of why you do what you do. Why is it that I teach these kids that don't seem to be thankful sometimes. Why do these babies have to hurt? Can I handle everything I have taken on? When are people who are hurting going to be healed? Why is there so much bad?

The thing is...I can read the answers to these questions...but are they engraven on my heart? Do I truely understand my place here on Earth? Do I understand that the Lord has a purpose for my life, and at times it is going to be frustrating and that I am going to be needing a clear reminder of why I believe what I do. I think my problem with this is feeling like I should just be confident in what Christ is doing...no matter the circumstance. Little Miss. Disbelief, as I have refered to myself before, is having a hard time this week. But, one thing I do know...through all this struggling, God is good. God has a plan, regardless of whether it is even in the ballpark of what my dreams have been...HE KNOWS. Praise him for that.

Until later.

The year of learning...a very wordy post. :)

That is what I would like to call this past year. It was very much a year of learning and the Lord providing different understandings upon my heart. I would have to say that this past year truely was a year of growth. I started to date, I found out how bad I am at dating (who is good at that..), I saw glimpses into my soul through what the Lord has shown me that were at times ugly, but I was thankful for seeing. I grew with my kids at school and I was pushed out of my comfort zone into places I have never been. I have gotten to become apart of these babies lives and it has pushed me more towards Christ than probably any other thing has in my life. I am so thankful for my job. I am so thankful for His grace in what I do. I am so thankful that He has allowed me to do something in which I get to be there and love on kids daily. I am even thankful for my crazy cheerleading position. The Lord is teaching me so much about myself and who I am through HIM. So often I try to take control and so often when I do this things backfire. As He continues to teach me that I am nothing without Him and that I am so much more successful when I trust in His direction for my life, I somehow am still amazed everytime this happens. It like a lightbulb comes on in a dark room, and then I can remember that I have been through almost the same exact thing not too long ago, and if I would have just resolved to trust and believe what the Lord showed me last time with almost this same particular situation, I would probably not be going through this growing pain again. :) But, I also know that the Lord knows me WAY better than I know myself, so He has a reason that I go through this over and over again.

The Lord has been so gracious to me in the past 6 years. (Well he has always been gracious, but let's just say I am way more aware of it than I have ever been before). I have had such a hard time with accepting who I am. From the way I look, to the way I am in just the everyday. I have truely struggled with worldy things such as my looks and what I bring to the table. I have desired to be desired and still at times desire both of these things very much. I have been through various trials with these very things and the Lord has brought me through them and through some of the toughest times, He has shown me He is not only enough, but He is also the only one that can sustain me and hold me in the what I might believe to be the hardest time in my life.

As I continue to learn what it is to be a woman of the Lord and to truely strive for His glorification, not my own, I am struck with how very wonderful He is. How great is our God and King that he has chosen me to love and to teach. How great is He that even when I don't understand or may shake my fist at Him and what I think is going on, he knew I would do that before time and still loves me. How great is our God and King that he decided to die on the cross for my sins and loves me more than I could ever imagine. And how great is our God and King that he continue to pursue my depraved soul even when I decide that I can control a situation far better than He.

How great is He who has saved. How great is He.

Therefore, preparing your minds for action and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 1:13

my soul yearns to be completely His and His alone...

Thanks for listening,

Ashie