faithless

My life has now become something that I find comfort in.  I have become comfortable within the change of newness that has come since college.  About 6 months ago I was singing a different kind of song... the kind of song in which the singer was very uncomfortable with the changes and did not really know how to feel about them.  Now I find myself in a different place.  A place I have become comfortable with, but know is only a temporary "comfort".  You see I have now finally have a regularity to my schedule, I somewhat have a plan.  My schedule does not really change, and in this I have become comfortable.  Wake up, let the dog out, take a shower, get ready, leave in a rush out the door usually while spilling coffee on myself, get to school just early enough to get myself together, pour into kids all day (or at least try to..) and teach my little heart out (again try to), bell rings- ash takes a breather, cheer practice, then home, dog, dinner, read/journal/get a reality check with jesus, go to bed.  This has become my schedule.  A schedule I was unsure of at the beginning of this new journey, if you will, but nevertheless, here I am; pretty comfortable.  

enter anything new.  and i mean anything... something that throws a wrench in my week, for the good or the bad, and i am bent out of shape.  questioning everything; panicked.  I want normalcy i scream inside... normalcy is all i want.  

normalcy?

see, this is where satan gets me.  just when i think i am finding my hope, love, joy in jesus, satan  and my own sinful desires, wishes and pride come up and completely blindside me creating this great fear in my heart.  "you are not ready...", "you are not okay...", "you are not there yet...", " you are not worth it...", "how could you think that something good can happen"...

I realize i am being very candid in this, so if that makes you uncomfortable I am very sorry.  my good friend on sunday said something to me that i have heard a million times before but really has stuck in my head, and very honestly i feel like this is the message that jesus is trying to get across to me.  "look to truth".  finding the truth is not necessarily ever that hard for me... it is the believing it part and clinging on to it part that sometimes gets me.  i never have a problem with the truth of how great and gracious our lord is.  i never have an issue with the fact that he is the risen son of God, and he is sovereign and everlasting.  you see, my hardship comes in the package of god will never accept me... god will never love me for the things i think or the things i do because he can see my heart.  this is a lie that is whispered to me on a daily basis.  i am not good enough.  and instead of saying, praise god, you are right, i am not good enough... i choose to get downcast and look for other ways to fill my soul to make myself feel better.  this is when the surrounding myself with truth would really help.  how amazing would it be to combat those thoughts with the beautiful truth of the lord.  although i have grown up knowing that the lord loves me unconditionally, no matter what i have done, for some reason i have a hard time believing that.  i live in this little word where it is never okay to do something wrong.  i have created this world in my life, and i have become the center of it.  this prideful world that i live in can crumble at any second when things do not go well.  this is not the case at all times, but i find myself going back to this at times lately.  and sometimes when this happens, i default and run to things that used to make me feel good for the moment.  this frustrates me and upsets me to no end.  it makes me uncomfortable, mad, and oh so frustrated with myself.  

you see even when i am feeling this way, the lord is still so near.  he is still so sweet.  he still always comes through to whisper, beloved i love you.  no matter what you think, or no matter what you feel in this moment, i love you more than you could possibly see or know.  he does not flaunt the fact that i don't deserve his love, but lavishes it on me.  and even after these sweet moments, i still go back to this anxiousness i so "comfortably" possess.  how sad.  

the lord is sweet though.  he is good, and i know even when i feel like i am not worth anything, he still picks me up and loves on me.  he still showers me with his grace and goodness and shows me, whether in that moment, or in a rare moment that i long to have far more often than naught, that he DOES love me.  whether i choose to believe it in that moment is up to me... but he loves me.  the truth is he loves me.  he loves the chattery, can't make up her mind, constantly finding something to worry about, dorky, extremely selfish, and way more serious at times than she needs to be Ashley.  i am thankful to our sweet lord for this, and i pray he continues to give me nuggets of truth.  i love him.  

Beloved, 

If we are faithless, he still remains faithful for he cannot deny himself.

2 Timothy 2:13

thanks for listening...

HELLO MY LOVES!!!! :)

Okay, I have not posted in 20 years... or so it seems, so I will begin my posting something that I posted on my facebook blog :)  Disclaimer:  I do not usually blog on facebook, but for some reason did that that particular day.  

Here it is:

Today, on this beautiful fall morning while driving with the windows down and listening to some John Coltrane in the background I started to reflect and think. When these "thinking/reflection" (for lack of a better word) comes on I love to take advantage of it. Writing it sometimes helps to process my thoughts.

The past year and a half has been a true, growing and defining time in my life. Never, would I have thought up the way the Lord has chosen to mature me and shape and mold me so that I know that I truely only should be living for him...and him alone. I am now at a point where the Lord has shown me all these different things through truely being brokenhearted. He has shown me He is near to the broken-hearted and constantly there when you call on him. I cannot imagine my life without my Savior or the goodness, love, joy and peace He alone has brought to my life. 

I am now a point where everything he has showed me is meant to be implemented. For the first time in my life I am living by myself, paying my own bills, and I have a full-time job. The transition from college life to the "work world" has really required a shift in thinking and living. College ends and you start to see some friendships start to dissenegrate (which sucks, but each individual is now going down a different path), and then it becomes a time when you start to see relationships in a new light. I think you start to appreciate them more than you once did. You are more thankful for the deep, abiding relationships that you do have. You recognize the difference in these relationships versus the old. It does not mean that the old relationships were not meaningful or that they did not play a huge part in your life...things just change. That is part of life.

Many of my friends are now either married or have met the person they believe that they will marry. This is also an interesting time for someone who is very, very single.(Haha..I am so dramatic.) I believe the Lord is growing me tremendously when it comes to this area of my life. Please do not hear me saying that I feel as though I have arrived. I believe whole-heartidly that the Lord can deliever us from whatever He so chooses, however when we start to believe we have arrived or overcome too much of our selves are in that thinking; thus proving we are still flawed and in fact have not arrived. (I apologize for my rant... I digress). All this to say where I would have been blue because my close friends have this (of what I have past and still at times percieve as true happiness) the Lord has now reformed my thinking to know that may not be what He has for me now. I am single, and for the first time in my life I am okay with that. I know I will be fine, and even more honestly I do not need a male to complete me. My thinking and heart have been transformed by the fact that the Lord's love is all I need. Although I do desire to meet my perfect one, I know that it will only be right in the Lord's sweet timing. This revelation and peace can only be seen as from Jesus. Even a month ago I was not believing that the Lord had a plan for me. Then all of a sudden...in His timing, there was a breakthrough. The breakthrough has not come without many trials, tears and even tests; but how sweet He is to challenge and allow me to be tested and see that when I trust in his sweet name I become completely secure in him. 

So although this stage may not be what I planned: 22 (almost 23), single, living alone,teaching and still learning; I am thankful. Thankful the Lord has provided clarity at times, unending grace,peace, and some good friends that I can talk deeply with. I am thankful for a job that I have always wanted and feel like the Lord has been preparing me for. My hope is the Lord will continue to grow, shape, and mold me into who He wants me to be and that eventually in the future I will find someone who has a deep, abiding love for the Lord and will listen to my dumb stories and enjoy my quirkiness. I hope to sit outside and dream and reflect on the Lord's goodness with that special one and that He will challenge me to be the woman that the Lord has created me to be over a cup of Joe. Until then I truely hope that I continue to seek to find my worth and love in the Lord and that I continue to see his hand in all situations. Thank you for your grace, peace and love sweet Jesus.

And for good measure: thanks for listening ;)