Reflection

Growing in the Lord can often times be uncomfortable and stretching. Although it something that you definitely want in your life,I believe the closer you get to him and how gracious of a King he is, you see many more sinful parts to your life. I am talking about the legalistic view of what is right versus wrong in your life, but rather you see parts of your heart that need major reconstruction.

This past year (looking back from last year at this exact time) has been a major growth year. At times it has been EXTREMELY uncomfortable, and hard. I felt at times I was left alone by the Lord and did not know why he had brought me to certain places in my life. Looking back over the course of the year from where he has brought me to now, I have to say I am very thankful. I believe every experience he brings in my life does have a major purpose for forming me and making me into someone who is more like Him. I not even close to being compared to Jesus, so don't think that is what I am saying. What I am saying is that I think he brings us through certain trials and maybe even heartaches (I feel this in my case) to bring us out on the other side to say, Look sweet child what I have had for you all along!? Why can't you just trust me?'. I know this quote may be used often, but I think it is so true. C.S. Lewis said, "We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." Often times, we get so caught up in what we want, what we could have, what we think we deserve that we don't look at where God has placed us, individually. Obviously my walk, nor my life is going to be the same as my friends. I may love what they have and think that is amazing for them, but if I covet that and desire that for my life, what does that say about my thankfulness for what the Lord has given me?

I have constantly been a person that looks at others lives and think, wow, that is really great that they have all of that... I wonder when that will happen for me. I am being extremely honest here. I can call it many different things, but when it boils down to it I have an extreme amount of pride, sometimes even manifesting itself as thwarted pride, which makes me think I deserve certain things. As I get closer and closer to the Lord, I realize I don't really deserve anything. The freeing part about this is it just makes you see how gracious and loving our sweet Jesus is. He desired me when he knew I would be a half-hearted creature. He knew he would reveal himself to me, and that I would still want to go play in the mud at times. He knew he would bring me out of things that could possibly cause me pain and heartache that were maybe just not right for me, and that I would fight him tooth and nail over it. He knew he would take me on a journey and that even when I am angry at where I might be, that He loves me just the same and desires me to see Him in all his glory. I amazed today at the journey of this past year. I went through some heartache and through that heartache he has brought me to another place all together. I feel he is still pressing on my heart daily, and showing me my sinful heart. And the funny thing is, I really believe as you get closer to the Lord, you just see your heart for what it is--wayward. And you are JOYFUL for how GRACIOUS Jesus is. You don't become down on yourself for messing that thing up (well maybe sometimes you do...) but rather you see that there is unlimited grace offered for you at the Cross and he has died in your place for all your sins. He loves you. like crazy loves you.

How great is a God that loves you so much. Oh, to know him more.