Balance

"We grow up when we see our lives from God's perspective; when we thank God for the role he has assigned to us and begin to see our cup as a gift instead of a cross; when each morning we ask, "God, how can I glorify You today in my given role?".

This quote is from a book I am reading called, "Calm my anxious heart" by Linda Dillow. Here lately, I find myself getting frustrated at all the roles I have to play. At how much is expected of me at work, and how much physically, mentally and emotionally that takes out of me. I find myself comparing myself to others and not necessarily wishing for what they are doing, but in a way coveting what I perceive to be "free time". That "free time" I seem to so want is probably to them just as busy as what my life may be perceived as. This morning I was reading and I read the above excerpt, as well as "To much is given, much is required". How true that is. In fact, I teared up a bit when reading this. Maybe that might not be that crazy since I can be an emotional woman, but here lately I have been trying to hold it together. Take it one day at a time, as many people tell me. This year we only have a conference (a break in the day where we can call parents, input grades, grade papers, work on any cheer stuff I have, etc.) every other day. Due to this, most of my school meetings are now before or after school, which takes any extra energy out of you that you may have possessed before the meeting. I have started to see sides of myself and others that are not the most pleasant. I long for the days when we had a conference everyday. I get frustrated and overwhelmed. My brain is fried, and I feel like I am constantly working. Trust me, I am not saying this in a complaing tone, although it may come off as that since this is not face-to-face conversation. Rather, I am telling you, I am having a hard time balancing when to stop working and take time for myself. I am in the word, but not as much as I would like to be. I think all the time, Ash, everything will only fall into place if you are in the word FIRST. I am playing the comparison game more often and being oober-critical of myself in everything, and especially the things I have struggled with most in the past. (Go figure since I just wrote a blog about that).

All that to say, what I am trying to find right now is balance. I have been a horrible friend, but I have to purposefully p;an a time when I can call my friends. Last week I fell asleep at 8:30 and also took a nap at 6 that night. I don't do that usually unless I am sick. I know I am not the only one feeling this way, because in talking to my colleagues they are feeling the same way. I can't imagine having babies and a husband right now and trying to balance all that without going insane. This week my good friend at school came in and said, "Ash, what are you doing!?" To which I replied, "Planning and color-coding my planner, silly!". To which he then told me that I was planning in a 2010 calendar. ha, depressing and also tells you my brain is a bit tired. Even in all this, I do know this is where the Lord has placed me and where he wants me--crazy schedule and all. Right now I am just being very convicted in being more positive and being more content with where I am right now. Not playing the people-pleasing game, the complaing game, the wish I had her job game, but rather having the, "Thank you, Lord for what you have blessed me with" posture. I can say there are lots of issues that this is hard for me- my type A personality, my perfectionism, my desire for the kids to succeed even if they don't want to, my people-pleasing....but what it all boils down to are sin issues I am not dealing with or refusing to see. That is always fun when the Lord points that out.

My last point is- where is my focus? Is it on Eternity and what the Lord wants for my life, or on ME? I so often make this world all about me and my wants and desires instead of who He is and what He desires for my life and for those around me. Instead of focusing on how I can minister to those around me and pour myself more into the Lord and the Lord's purpose for myself, I play the woe is me card. I don;t even mean to do it sometimes...I just get so frustrated and tired. I think there is a balance in life, and one must get rest and take care of oneself (hello Sabbath) but there is also the HUGE part where I must recognize that this world is not about me, but rather about my one true love, Jesus.

"If we want to be women of contentment, we must choose to accept our portion, our assigned roles from God. We must make the choice to dwell on the positive aspects of our role in life. If we don;t, we'll be discontent, always wanting something different from what we have been given."

Here's to restoration and contentment...

Blush

I got asked to contribute to a blog called Blush. Blush is a conference that I spoke at months back. This is probably the most raw I have been in a blog. Autumn, the founder of Blush, asked me to share my story with her readers. She asked me to post it on my facebook page, and I have decided just to retweet her tweet about my blog and put it on here. As much as I would like to say fear of man never has a hold on me, I still think it is a little hard to share your whole self with others.

So, that being said, here is the blog that I wrote. :)