It is so easy to be negative. I honestly think I would be likely to ramble off the negative things in my day way before I would list for you the good things that happened in the day. I started thinking about this today when I was sitting amongst many of my fellow educators. As some of you may know, it is testing season. Yes, TAKS testing to be exact. Not exactly the favorite time of many teachers. And also, a time of much complaining amongst the teachers. There is always some sort of topic that comes up that tends to be negative, whether it be about the test or some other something that the administration or higher ups may be asking us to do. Now, TAKS is not my favorite either. I have never been one to want to teach to the test. I believe that we can teach the skills without teaching the test, but that is a whole other blog. What I started thinking about as everyone was talking to each other about their frustrations is- why did I go into teaching? Not because I am having some change of heart, but rather, am I doing this for the right reasons? Am I being the best teacher that I can be? Am I coming here to love on my kids and teach them disciplines that are going to help them in life and being positive about it...or am I becoming jaded?
The thing about teaching is it can jade you. My goodness, there are so many hurting kiddos. And, it is easy to focus on all the bad stuff that is going on. I could tell you a handful of stories just from today that kids have told me. It is depressing at times and it can bring you down. I have wondered many times how to even present the Gospel to these kiddos when I have never gone through anything that my babies are experiencing. And there are all sorts of advice you get. "Leave it at the school...", "You just have to learn to disconnect when you get home...". "Just turn off your mind, that works for me...", "If they don't get it this year...they will get it next year.." (worst advice ever in my particular opinion). You also get the kind of advice that is backhanded and bit mean, "How many years have you been teaching?! Ohhhh, don't worry, that shininess will wear off. Just give it a couple of years..." That particular comment has been what I have been thinking on for most of the day. I could honestly not even tell you who told me that now that I think of it, but I remember the comment. I remember thinking...Man, I hope my shininess doesn't wear off and that I still love teaching as much I do now. This was almost exactly a year ago. It is interesting where I find myself now. The thing is where I do think that some of my idealistic world view of teaching might have changed, I would like to think I have not lost all my "shininess" but then, I started thinking...Am I being shiny? Yes, I know...shiny is maybe not the most eloquent of words, but since that was the word used we shall go with it.
I have been much more negative this year then I was last year. I am not really sure why that is. I don't really know if it has been a tougher year, kids wise. I mean I had gangster kids last year and felt just fine. I also had the attitude of I can conquer the world by teaching. Today, I started thinking...where is my drive? Where is my hope being placed? And if my hope is being placed in my abilities or talents, I am falling super short. You see, I am not the smartest. Yes, I would like to consider myself smart, but I am not some grammar genius, or writing wizard. And, if you speak with anyone close to me, you will know that my spelling is not as amazing as an English teacher's should be. But, I do try. Last year at this time, I was tired, but had such a feeling of success with what I had produced in my classroom. Or rather, what the Lord has produced in my classroom, because last year was only of Him. And this then got me thinking...have I been doing those same things in my classroom? Am I implementing the same things and ideas into my classroom? Am I being as fearless as I once was speaking truth into their lives and loving on them in a way that others refuse to. This year can't be that different. The counselors have told me that they specifically give me certain kinds of kids, because I have more "patience" with them (Which is ironic, being as I am the most impatient person on the face of the planet, but they still give them to me). This year, I have let me get in the way. I have looked into what is happening with me and what is going on in my personal life, and I really think that it has affected my teaching. Do I still think that I have been a good teacher? Well, I would say that I think at times I have given my best for what was going on...but, is that enough? Is that sufficient? Maybe by the world's standards...for sure. But the thing is, I haven't trusted this year. I haven't trusted that Jesus is going to swoop in and do what He always does. I haven't trusted that He, and He alone can pull them out of the muck and the mire and take them to a place where He loves on them and they feel complete acceptance. Instead, I have chosen to air on the side of contemplation where I try to figure out what I can do and how I could even ever explain such a man as Jesus to them. How could he possibly be relevant to them?? I am ashamed to say that that has been a lot of my thoughts this year. And, then something hit me the other night. God does not come for the put-together. He comes for the broken, the downcast, the hurt. He, and He alone can save our depraved souls and pour life into our souls. He alone can show us meaning, and give us meaning. He alone is meaning. How dare I think that the kids cannot possibly relate to my God.
My kids are constantly looking for approval. We all are. My kids constantly want to hear how good they are doing, or they want a hug, or they act up just so someone will notice something that they are doing....good or bad. It was like a grand revelation to me today when I was thinking of all this. The Lord has been showing me soo much this year through some things that have caused me pain. I really believe he has been shaping my mindset, and growing me, but it is that awkward, sometimes painful kind of growth. The kind where it lasts for awhile and then sometimes you may not notice until retrospection how far you have come. I am not saying this pridefully, I am saying this gratefully. Christ is showing me what it is to be a teacher. What it is to a child of His. As I watched the people around me, my co-workers and my kids, I watch different growths. I think many times we think we are at the peak of our maturity, but I highly doubt that at 24 I am at the height of my growth. (Or I hope not...) But, I do think the Lord is showing me some useful things. Some things that will shape how I do life and how I engage others.
"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation i nthe Spirit, any affections and sympathy, complete my joy by bineg of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus who though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on the cross. Therefore, God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee shall bow, in heaven and earth and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Therefore my beloved, as you have always obeyed so now, not only in my presence but more more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling for it is God who works in you both to will and to work for his good pleasure. Do all things without grumbling or questioning that you may be blameless and innocent children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain.
Philippians 2:1-18
I do not write this to stick to anyone. Honestly, I type the above because this verse was presented at church on Sunday and it has really broken me in the best possible way. This is what I need to be doing. Am I focusing on others? Am I seeing that Christ, who died the most horrific death for my sins that I continually do and have done and are to do, humbled himself among men and did not count others greater than Himself? Am I seeing that he did not count equality with God something to be grasped? Would I be obedient to the point of death? Am I having death to self or am I daily gratifying my desires and trying to make myself feel better?? Am I pouring into others, or am I focusing on myself and what could be going better for me? Am I finding things to stress on or am I focusing on the fact that my God sent Christ to die for my sins and because of this I have a hope that no one can take away? Am I showing this hope and love to my kiddos and others that are in my life?? Am I being believing in that hope or I am just saying that I believe in that? Am I counting others greater than myself, or am I having a 'me' attitude? And most of all...Am I trusting Christ? Am I being shiny? ;)
So, with all this said, these are the questions I am reflecting on today. We have such a great God and King. How precious He counts us that He grows, stretches and molds us into His image. Oh, how we should look upon these stages of life as a wonderful thing, for they produce perseverance and patience and above all else, an ever-abiding love for Christ. Oh, how I long for him to continue to grow me and to shape me and mold me and make me into his image. Oh, how I desire to love selflessly and not do things with grumbling or questioning or vain conceit. Oh, that He would continue to grow me and mold me.
Thanks for listening friends. I never really know how to end these things. I know this is another wordy blog. So, if you made it to the end...Thanks! :)
Love you all and unti later!
