Fragile

Fragile. I think this one word would sum up what I am feeling like right now. I feel like I am glass egg that is slowly and steadly being thrown back and forth between people, hoping that no one will drop me in the process. Yes, this is probably a "different" example, but this is how I feel. This year has been nothing short of a doozy. I have learned a lot of lessons through all the different relationships with people, and of course, I am still learning. I am a very sensitive person. I do not take pride in this fact, other than, it does come in handy if someone is hurting because I can usually pick up on it and be there for that person. On the other hand, however, it is quite exhausting because I take things WAY too seriously, and when others react in a manner that I would never act like (which hurts my feelings because I feel like they do not care) I am HYPERSENSITVE. Today has been a day in which I would catagorize as HARD.
I have panic attacks from time to time. They have gotten SOOO much better, but in the past few days they have come back. Not the full-fledged panic attacks, but the anxiety is there. I hate them... my palms get sweaty, I start to tingle, and WORST of all, I feel like I am going to throw up. (and if you know me at all, you know this is my worst fear) It makes me feel as though I am doing something wrong... I have this warped sense that someone is always mad at me. Why? I have yet to figure that out. I am always worried about it though. Today I have been in a constant state of prayer... trying to figure out why I am having so much anxiety right now.
I have yet to find the answer, but one thing I have noticed is I focus way to much on MYSELF, and not enough on THE LORD. I focus on how I am so sad about this or that, instead of TRUSTING that the Lord has a plan. He is not going to leave me hanging. Faith and Trust in Him is not quickly followed with the Lord forgetting about me, but is quite the contrary. He remembers us always, and have an ultimate plan that is WONDERFULLY made just for me!! That is good to know. It is also hard to remember on the hard days.. but I will keep reminding myself of these things. And the days will get better, I may just be having one hard day amongst several future WONDERFUL days.

I will leave you with a few verses...

And without faith it is impossible to please God, becasue anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir to the righteousness that comes by faith. By faith Abrham, when called to go to a place he would later recieve as an inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.

Hebrews 11:6-8

I am reminded by these verses that during difficult times there will not always be a clear vision of what the future will be. But it is important to Trust and Believe that the Lord has a plan for your life, and would not tell you to do something, or lead you a certain way, without first knowing the way he is sending you.

Love you guys oh so much.... More than ya'll know!! Have a good night :)

Married Life...

As I sit here, on a break from my mini-term, I am in a contemplative state. Why is it that women long to married so bad? Why is that we think that it will magically save us from all the problems we have had before? Maybe none of you know what I am talking about, but some of us do know what I am talking about. Shoot, I have definitely faced that.

Is the reason that we are so enthralled with the idea of being married because we have seen the Amazing Prince's in the old Disney Movies rescue the princess and they live happily ever after? Why is it that we always try to find someone to blame (for instance, Mr. Disney himself) for what we do not understand, choose not to come to grips with, or something that we do not have. I am in the middle of about three books right now, and this question sure does come up a lot, and with my present situation I think about this a lot. The book "Boy Meets Girl" is about courtship, and conducting oneself in a manner that is glorifying to God. (This is an amazing book by the way.) And it is great to read, but yesterday I just got in this state of perpetual sadness. I mean I was down... and constantly throughout the day the Lord was like "Ashley, TRUST ME!!". Continually, however, I would get back into the pit of my despair! How sad is that... I mean the Lord is CONTINUALLY good, and I know he has a plan, yet I continue to wallow in, well I am not even sure what you would call my state of mind.

Yesterday, during a lunch break from my Mini, I went to my favorite spot, the local Starbucks, and spent time with the Lord. God is good because I was having a hard time, and in walks one of my best friends Lesile! Lesile is by far one of the most wise women I have met. She always has a word of encouragement, and is just an encouragement in the Lord!! I really believe that the Lord brought her to Starbucks to encourage me! (And of coarse to get some great coffee :)) We spoke about what a girls heart wants, and how easy it is to get entangled in the wants and desires of the world. (I know this may sound very preachy, but it is so true.) Especially if you go to the school that I do. If you are not married by the age of 21 at my school, consider yourself a spinster. (Which, in all reality, is very far from the truth.) Lesile gave me the piece of advice to make all my requests known to God, and get to a point of constant reliance on the Lord. Even though I have heard this so many times, it was really good to hear.

The Lord is molding me, and making me into what he wants to be. He will bring a long the "married life" when he finds it fit for me to be married. There is no need to rush God's plan, because I will miss out on the BLESSING that his the journey through his plan. :)

Yah for Jesus! I love you all so much, have a great day!