There are things that I am never going to pretend to know. Why things happen the way they do, or why circumstances sometimes dictate what emotion you may have at that given moment even though you know in your heart otherwise. However, I am the personality type that does try to find out. To dig deeper, to figure out why. At times, I think this is one of the worst possible things for me. You see, I try to get ahead of the Lord in this, I guess. It is frustrating, annoying and extremely unnerving at times. Why, do I choose to want answers to questions that are beyond my knowledge or understanding? Why do I fight peace?
I do not know if you have ever been in this situation, but for me, I am starting to learn the major need in trusting in Jesus. Not just saying I trust in Jesus, but when it is being tested, actually trust, wholeheartedly in Jesus. I feel like in a sense when I am trying so hard that I am also just trying to find my own outcomes, find my own solution so that I could be better. Which in turn, is just me trying to fix myself. Ummm, I don't know if you have ever done that, but that does not exactly work. :) Good for us, we have Jesus.
I don't really have much to say tonight, other than I cannot sleep, and this is on my mind. How gracious is my sweet Father that he deals with me, and loves me and actually does not think of it as "dealing" with me, but rather loves me. He even brings so many examples of his loving kindness and what he is trying to teach me, into my life daily. Today, I was almost frustrated at how much I felt the Lord was trying to show me, yet I was constantly questioning the Lord...trying to figure it out. By this point, if you read my blog, you know I am a teacher. It has been one of the best things I have ever done. I cannot explain to you the rush I get when I teach or how often the Lord allows me to feel like I am exactly where he wants me, and where he has planned for me to be all along. That in itself is such a blessing. My babies at school have a lot of stuff going on. I mean you have a regular teenager, but then add a bit of poverty and things such as gang affiliation, drugs, no parent interaction, etc, and you have got yourself a little teenage breakdown cocktail just waiting to be mixed. One of my kids today came in crying...balling, beside herself. Through a series of events something has happened to one of her family members and he is currently in a very hard situation. Regardless of how her family member got there, she loves that member of her family. She cares for them. She desires the best for them. She is protective of them. Today, someone said something discouraging to her that rocked her to the core. She came in beside herself, and I had the opportunity to speak with her about it. There are many times the Lord allows me to talk about Him in the classroom. One of them presented itself today. I got to talk about belief, and faith, and hope that does not disappoint. We talked about faith, and what faith was. We talked about believing even when situations come up that are unexpected and uncomfortable. I felt as though, as I was speaking to this young girl, the Lord was speaking right to me saying, "Ashie, trust me. I have a plan. I always have had a plan. This is but a blip of time in your life...trust me in whatever trials you are going through. Believe what I have told you. Believe in who I am, and who I say I am. Believe and trust me. Just trust me." After our talk, that thought kept resonating with me. Right before this, a student had walked into my classroom. She is one of my students from the first year I started teaching. She is a lovely girl, whom I have had the opportunity to get ot know. She has shared much of her life with me, and I get chances to chat with her. She came into today out of no where to tell me something. I automatically assumed that something was wrong because she teared up as she began to speak. She said, "Miss. Kep, I just wanted to come and tell you how much I appreciate you. I was sitting at home this morning and Freedom Writers came on. I thought about you, and your class, and what all I have learned from you and I just wanted to say thank you. You have inspired me." Needless to say, I was taken aback. I do not share this with you to brag...but to tell you how good my God is. In times of uncertainty for me, it is easy to lean towards the edge of insecurity....or rather, jump off the cliff. I tend to stay strong for awhile, really get in the word, but I am fighting off lies like crazy. You know those lies, ladies, the lies of. "You aren't good enough", "no one loves you", "you aren't doing well at anything you are trying", "this is just going to end up bad for you...", and my personal favorite, "you should have known (enter given situation here)...how could you be so dumb". In the midst of those LIES, and let's call them out for what they are...lies, it is easy to believe them. Even if I could rationalize all day that these things are lies straight from the pit of hell, when you start to replay them over and over in your mind, you tend to see them as truth. Today, and not just in these two examples, the Lord not only let me recite truth to people and preach to the choir (that would be me:)) but also had someone come in, whom I care deeply for and want the best for, and tell me I was worth something. I do not doubt that the Lord did that on purpose. And the thing is, he did that for this unbelieving daughter. How gracious is he. For me, grasping that grace is undeserved, and that he doesn't hold things over my head is very hard for me sometimes. It isn't what I preach to others, but it is a struggle for me to accept and live in. Regardless of this, I believe the Lord is starting to work it out. It has the be a potential of hard, tough lessons, but I am hopeful of what the Lord will show me and grow me in. I am hopeful that through whatever situation he gives me, whether through school, cheer, personal, church, etc, he will show me a deeper sense of Him and His character.
Oh, how he loves us even when we are trying to believe but yet fail miserably. I heart Him...and guess what, He hearts us, too.
Love y'all. Thanks for listening.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
What a difference a day makes...
Disclaimer: I know I am a young, 3rd year teacher that might have "wild ideas" about education in my head, but I truly believe everything below.
I don't know what the future holds for me. I don't know who I will end up. One thing I do know for sure is that I want to help people. It is what I feel like I have been called to do. I feel like the Lord has called me to teach and that is how I get to help people now. I have always wanted to work with young, teenage girls, and also, just high school kids. The Lord has allowed me to do this, and for that I cannot even begin to tell you how thankful I am. Even on my worst days at work, there is still a light at the end of the tunnel because I get to do something I love so very much. And, the Lord really has given me this unreal love that comes with teaching and for these kids. A love I can only say is from Him, because in my own strength I just do not think that I could love them like I do. I want the best for them. And the Lord has even given me the babies that not everyone seems to like, ya know. The ones that sometimes are the outcasts or the ones that don't get much attention. Sometimes, I even get the little gangsters, and to be honest, they are some of my favorites. Once you get past the whole "I am tough, don't talk to me" stage, you start to see who they are. You get to know them, and you get to encourage them to be something they never thought was possible. That is why I love teaching.
Today one of my babies came in that has not been there but for about 2 class periods. Needless to say, only being there twice in a six-weeks will make your grade really, really bad. And to be honest with you, I was frustrated. I figured this child was just skipping my class and could care less about English and was just out doing stuff that was not beneficial to society. This child came in after school and asked for their makeup work. Come to find out the student was kicked out of their house and been in a shelter for 4 or 5 weeks. The student desired to catch up on their work and not be failing. The student went on to tell me more, and all I could think is wow, I cannot believe I just assumed the child was not coming to class and doing, quote unquote gang related things. I mean, why would I automatically assume that? That child has no idea I thought that(or maybe she did...), and I am willing to bet I may not have been the only teacher that thought that, but I felt so bad. That is one of the things I have been thinking about since the school day ended today. These kids desire to make something of themselves. Whether they show that or not...they do. This kid came in with a chip on their shoulder and I just assumed the worst, instead of trying to figure out what was going on. Yes, the child was out a lot, but what clarity comes when actually finding out more about the person. I would have never known that if she did not come tell me. I would have assumed she was just a kid that didn't care and was failing my class on purpose. I would say that is something that has happened to me. I didn't used to assume that about the kids that didn't come...at least I didn't my first year. Now, in my 3rd (I know that is not long...) I am already assuming such things? It makes me sad. It was a reality check.
I have also started reading a book called, "Waiting on Superman". It talks about the disconnect between the school system in America and other school systems in the world. We are falling behind because of many different things. But is also talks about some of the ways that people are trying to change the education system in America. Did you know that many places in the North have lotteries that families enter in order to get into a good school with good teachers? Absolutely breaks my heart. I am on of those people that believes in the public school system. I desire to help the kiddos that don't have much, that have been dealt a hard card in life. The babies that have to overcome many obstacles in order to succeed. It is such a joy to watch them and help them realize they are worth something. They are not what they have been told in the past. They are not failures. They will succeed, they will make something of themselves, they can make good grades, they can learn. At this point in time I believe I will always want to be a classroom teacher. I cannot imagine being in a different position, however there is so much to be done in the Education system. I watch change happen at my school, and how people react to that change. I watch the amazing people I work with who desire to show the kids they are something more than what they have been told, or what they have settled for (gang violence, drugs, alcohol, cutting, eating disorders, depression, etc). But then I watch the other teachers...the ones who are fed up. They may have once been the teachers that drove the school, but now they are frustrated and the way they channel that is by taking it out on the kids, or the other teachers in the school. It is a fine line that many teeter between. It is easy to see how people can become hardened and decide to just give up. The teachers get tired, they are overworked and underpaid. (I am not necessarily talking about me...I mean, I am single and make enough money to support myself, so I feel fine) When things change it is easy to breakdown, to look at what is wrong with the process and pick it apart.
side note- my district has just adopted new curriculum, starting a new test while still giving the standardized test the kiddos have to take this year, and adopted new textbooks. Needless to say, the teachers are tired and seem to get frustrated with the time lines and the new things that are given to them.
But, what I wish we could see is the district is trying to change. That is my opinion. It may not be the way you individually would have done it, but things are being handed down because there is a desire for the kids to learn, for the kids to achieve more, to become rigorous well-rounded individuals. I wish everyone would stop taking it out on one another. It is so frustrating to me to see professionals do that to one another. To hurt each other because they are mad at a situation. They talk and rant and rave about everything that is wrong and go against the system instead of just trying it. Instead of trying to change it, we want to do the same thing we have done in the past. Do we do that because we are afraid of change? I am fully confident in the school I work in. I see the people, whether they are frustrated, and I really would be willing to bet that the majority of them really do care and want the best for the kids. They teach at the best of their ability and go over and beyond what they are asked to do. We all have bad days. We all have days and wonder...what the heck am I doing here? But, on those days I hope we remember the students like came into my classroom after school today. Most of our babies, whether they come up and talk to you about it or not...have a reason they might be falling short. They are capable. We can help them. Even in our most frustrating times...we are there for a reason. You are valuable. The kids we teach are valuable. What you do is valuable. Sometimes, we just need a reality check.
I don't know what the future holds for me. I don't know who I will end up. One thing I do know for sure is that I want to help people. It is what I feel like I have been called to do. I feel like the Lord has called me to teach and that is how I get to help people now. I have always wanted to work with young, teenage girls, and also, just high school kids. The Lord has allowed me to do this, and for that I cannot even begin to tell you how thankful I am. Even on my worst days at work, there is still a light at the end of the tunnel because I get to do something I love so very much. And, the Lord really has given me this unreal love that comes with teaching and for these kids. A love I can only say is from Him, because in my own strength I just do not think that I could love them like I do. I want the best for them. And the Lord has even given me the babies that not everyone seems to like, ya know. The ones that sometimes are the outcasts or the ones that don't get much attention. Sometimes, I even get the little gangsters, and to be honest, they are some of my favorites. Once you get past the whole "I am tough, don't talk to me" stage, you start to see who they are. You get to know them, and you get to encourage them to be something they never thought was possible. That is why I love teaching.
Today one of my babies came in that has not been there but for about 2 class periods. Needless to say, only being there twice in a six-weeks will make your grade really, really bad. And to be honest with you, I was frustrated. I figured this child was just skipping my class and could care less about English and was just out doing stuff that was not beneficial to society. This child came in after school and asked for their makeup work. Come to find out the student was kicked out of their house and been in a shelter for 4 or 5 weeks. The student desired to catch up on their work and not be failing. The student went on to tell me more, and all I could think is wow, I cannot believe I just assumed the child was not coming to class and doing, quote unquote gang related things. I mean, why would I automatically assume that? That child has no idea I thought that(or maybe she did...), and I am willing to bet I may not have been the only teacher that thought that, but I felt so bad. That is one of the things I have been thinking about since the school day ended today. These kids desire to make something of themselves. Whether they show that or not...they do. This kid came in with a chip on their shoulder and I just assumed the worst, instead of trying to figure out what was going on. Yes, the child was out a lot, but what clarity comes when actually finding out more about the person. I would have never known that if she did not come tell me. I would have assumed she was just a kid that didn't care and was failing my class on purpose. I would say that is something that has happened to me. I didn't used to assume that about the kids that didn't come...at least I didn't my first year. Now, in my 3rd (I know that is not long...) I am already assuming such things? It makes me sad. It was a reality check.
I have also started reading a book called, "Waiting on Superman". It talks about the disconnect between the school system in America and other school systems in the world. We are falling behind because of many different things. But is also talks about some of the ways that people are trying to change the education system in America. Did you know that many places in the North have lotteries that families enter in order to get into a good school with good teachers? Absolutely breaks my heart. I am on of those people that believes in the public school system. I desire to help the kiddos that don't have much, that have been dealt a hard card in life. The babies that have to overcome many obstacles in order to succeed. It is such a joy to watch them and help them realize they are worth something. They are not what they have been told in the past. They are not failures. They will succeed, they will make something of themselves, they can make good grades, they can learn. At this point in time I believe I will always want to be a classroom teacher. I cannot imagine being in a different position, however there is so much to be done in the Education system. I watch change happen at my school, and how people react to that change. I watch the amazing people I work with who desire to show the kids they are something more than what they have been told, or what they have settled for (gang violence, drugs, alcohol, cutting, eating disorders, depression, etc). But then I watch the other teachers...the ones who are fed up. They may have once been the teachers that drove the school, but now they are frustrated and the way they channel that is by taking it out on the kids, or the other teachers in the school. It is a fine line that many teeter between. It is easy to see how people can become hardened and decide to just give up. The teachers get tired, they are overworked and underpaid. (I am not necessarily talking about me...I mean, I am single and make enough money to support myself, so I feel fine) When things change it is easy to breakdown, to look at what is wrong with the process and pick it apart.
side note- my district has just adopted new curriculum, starting a new test while still giving the standardized test the kiddos have to take this year, and adopted new textbooks. Needless to say, the teachers are tired and seem to get frustrated with the time lines and the new things that are given to them.
But, what I wish we could see is the district is trying to change. That is my opinion. It may not be the way you individually would have done it, but things are being handed down because there is a desire for the kids to learn, for the kids to achieve more, to become rigorous well-rounded individuals. I wish everyone would stop taking it out on one another. It is so frustrating to me to see professionals do that to one another. To hurt each other because they are mad at a situation. They talk and rant and rave about everything that is wrong and go against the system instead of just trying it. Instead of trying to change it, we want to do the same thing we have done in the past. Do we do that because we are afraid of change? I am fully confident in the school I work in. I see the people, whether they are frustrated, and I really would be willing to bet that the majority of them really do care and want the best for the kids. They teach at the best of their ability and go over and beyond what they are asked to do. We all have bad days. We all have days and wonder...what the heck am I doing here? But, on those days I hope we remember the students like came into my classroom after school today. Most of our babies, whether they come up and talk to you about it or not...have a reason they might be falling short. They are capable. We can help them. Even in our most frustrating times...we are there for a reason. You are valuable. The kids we teach are valuable. What you do is valuable. Sometimes, we just need a reality check.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)