10 things I did not know about myself, or rather, am more acutely aware as of late...(not in any particular order...)
1. I am extremely selfish person. I am not saying this in the aww, poor me, I want someone to feel bad for me kind of sense. But, rather, I have just realized how selfish I have become since living by myself. I like to do things on my time and not on others, and so when that is challenged I seem to have an issue with it. I am learning and trying not to be this way, but due to new things in my life I am much more aware of how selfish of a person I am. Not because anyone has pointed it out, but rather just because my first inclination seems to be for self, not for those I care most about. All this to say...I have a new thing I am working on.
2. I really, really, really like to have a plan. This may be because I like to be in control, but I am also realizing that if I do not have a plan I feel like my life is a little out of control. So, with all that said, if I did not already realize this about myself...I like to have plans. And as of late, I sometimes like other people to make them for me. Weird...
3. When I feel stressed it makes me even more stressed if things are unorganized or a wreck around me. This is ironic due to the fact that my apartment, more times than not, seems to be a wreck. Last night I slept twenty million times better just because my room was organized and clean when I went to bed. I am learning that if I just pick up after myself, I would not be so discombobulated when life gets busy and I do not have time to do a major overhaul on my apartment, or car, or classroom.
4. I say yes to many things and no to not so much. I am a people-pleaser by nature, and this has reared it ever-so ugly head as of late, especially with the job I have taken on at school. I am realizing how much this has started to rule my life and how I make my decisions. That is always a fun lesson....
5. When I get upset, I just need someone to hug me. They don't even have to say anything, but just a tight hug seems to help. I already knew I was a touchy person...and well, if you know me, you know I tend to get into people's bubbles and not really realize. But, that is another thing I have learned...I just need ya to hug me if I am upset.
6. Community is so important. I am learning this more as I am getting older (not that I am so old and wise yet...) but it is just so important that I have community. If I am not surrounding myself with my good friends, and family I tend to have a very hard time. I find so much joy in the community I have gotten from church, and just my sweet friends and family. Especially my best girlfriends whom love Christ so much and will point me in the right direction and shoot me straight when it is very much needed. When I first started work I through myself into it so much that I really did not have a personal life. I choose to throw myself into it and then whatever time I had leftover I could spend with others. What I am learning is that that is not really how it should work. I used to believe this was selfish...now I more believe it is necessary to my mental health. Maybe that sounds a little dramatic, but the thing is is when you are pouring yourself out at work you have to have that community to kind of help ya. To remind you of the things that are important. Luckily, I have a great group of sisters and brothers in Christ who are very close to my heart that challenge and lovingly engage me in this. I have had a lot of that here lately, and more than ever I am realizing how important community is and how much I have taken it for granted in the past.
6. I cannot save the world. If you know me, and you know my teaching philosophy, you may know that I tend to have the "I can save the world" mentality. The students that I get to teach are very near and dear to my heart and I have a very hard time with letting it go when I leave the school, and an even harder time when those kids mess up and their repercussions are great, or they let me down, or bad things happen to them. I love them so very much and tend to think that when these above mentioned things happened that I should have done something else, and I tend to get pretty down. This is quite prideful, due to the fact that I cannot save them. This is actually quite hard for me to admit, because Lord knows, I would love for help them. And, maybe I do help them, but the Lord is the only one that can save them. Not me. I have had a hard time coming to grips with that since beginning teaching. I think I go back and forth on my little pendulum of the mind of what is effective teaching and what is not. I see some teachers completely give up on their kids, and then others who probably, like me, become a little too emotionally involved. I honestly, don't even like saying that, or really know what the answer is. Because they do need someone to care about them, but taking it home and then letting it affect everything you do is not exactly healthy, nor a way in which I need to live. I have spoken about this on my blog many times here lately, but the Lord is teaching me a lot about Faith, Hope and Trust. All of which are things I need to work on. I need to have faith in the Lord of where I am right now and faith that He can work the big and small things out. I need to have Hope in what I believe instead of being unbelieving in the big and small. And then trust, oh trust, how I need to trust my sweet Jesus with the big and small.
7. As much as I am a glass half full kind of person for other people, for myself I tend to be a glass half empty. I am trying to turn over a new leaf with this...I tend to beat myself up when things get hard. No one wants to be around Debbie Downer, nor is good for those closest to you to hear someone gripe all of the time. It is one thing to vent, it is another to see your life as a mess with no way out. When I become overwhelmed, I become dramatic.
8. I am a list person. If I do not have a to-do list for the day I am not as effective. I also like crossing off the things on my list and will add things I have done if they are not on the list just to cross them off. It makes me feel more productive. And yes, I know I am crazy. :) Good crazy though, right??? ;)
9. Taking it to the Lord is always what I need to do FIRST, not last. I can gain much clarity from this rather than going and seeking it from others. He gives me a peace where as others may make me feel better for time being, but cannot give me such a peace.
10. I look way into the future, especially with work, I project. And I project things that are more on the negative side. I need to take one step at a time.
All this to say, the Lord is showing me a lot of things about myself that are super uncomfortable to know. :) I am thankful though, because if nothing else, it is His grace. He is lovingly engaging me, as well as has placed some very special people in my life whom are doing the same. I feel very blessed and thankful in the midst of chaos. He is truly showing me what it is to be a woman of God and what it is not. My life should not be characterized by fear, but rather by an unshakable trust in my Father. Oh, when I start to really, really believe this how my life will be changed. I am thankful He is showing me this, and letting me take steps out in faith, no matter how scary they might be, and no matter how many little steps back I tend to take before I actually, really trust Him. I am thankful for the amount of patience He has with me, as well as the amount of patience He has given those closest to me. What a great God and King we serve.
On a seperate note, please pray for my Pastor, Matt Chandler and his family this week. They are doing a very big MRI this week. It will tell them either very, very hard news, or very good news. Please pray it is the ladder. My pastor is very dear to my heart, and his wife is also. Please also pray that no matter the news the Lord will calm their anxious hearts before and after the fact. It is unnerving I am sure to know that one scan can change how you do things. Please be praying. I love them and desire healing for Him. His wife's name is Lauren if you would like to lift her up by name.
Love you guys. Thanks for listening :)
