Life Lately...a little out of order

Elise is going to kill me for putting this on here...but I LOVE HER!

Bjer Smeejer...(my brother) at home.  His hair looks beautiful huh!? :) Oh brother.

Bj, Nanaka, Me and Austin in Houston.

Austin and I by the tree.

This is Jessie.  He is 100 years old.  Just kidding...we have had him since I was 5 and bj was 4.  He is older and cannot see or hear.  Poor baby...I feel like we must take a pic with him everytime I go home due to his old age.

Bj being....well, Bj.

Some of my old home-group girls.  Some amazing relationships have developed from the deep community we have shared.  Steph also has now gotten engaged!! Yay her!! 

Jordi, Cole, and Me!! Jordan got engaged that night!!  

Some of my girls on my birthday at school! My cheerleaders threw me a birthday party in class!! My little pony was the theme! :)

More of my girls.  

My girls being crazy at a football game!

Me and one of my girls.

My bests @ my personal favorite...Palio's!

Haley and I at a volleyball tourney.  This was actually the night my apartment got broken into.

Elise and I!!!! How I love her.

A much needed update of sorts...

Helllooo my loves!! How I have missed thee, and blogging :)  I am in a bit of a hurry, thus this will not be a long post, but I just wanted to give a few updates.

Updates:

1.  Football season is over and I have officially survived my first "football/cheer season"!  Hootie, Hootie Hoo!

2.  My apartment got broken into....thus, I will be moving.  Although it sucks that I got broken into, I am SOO thankful that I was not here, and they did not take my puppy.  I am also thankful my dad was in town and was able to zoom over here.  I also hope they are having fun with maureen (my white macbook with my life on it...) and my pretty tv.  (sarcasm).

3.  School is going great...we are in the middle of our research paper, and although it is a frustrating thing to teach a sophomore a thesis statement, I am so happy to have this job.  I love these kids so much and I am so thankful the Lord has entrusted me with them.  I looooveee my job!  

4.  I am also excited about Christmas break!  Wooo!

5.  I got a Christmas Tree for my birthday and I am sooo excited to put it up!! hehe :)

6.  There is a new person in my life that I am very happy about ;) (im a cheeseball...)

7.  I really want to buy my puppy a sweater!  I mean... I know that may be overboard, but it is chilly out there and I think she needs a cute CHRISTMAS sweater!  :)  

8.  I have decided I am going to deep clean my car...it is in much need.  I am writing this on here because maybe I will actually do it since it is written on here ;0)

I realize this may not be the best update ever...but I will be back soon!! LOVE YOU GUYS! 

faithless

My life has now become something that I find comfort in.  I have become comfortable within the change of newness that has come since college.  About 6 months ago I was singing a different kind of song... the kind of song in which the singer was very uncomfortable with the changes and did not really know how to feel about them.  Now I find myself in a different place.  A place I have become comfortable with, but know is only a temporary "comfort".  You see I have now finally have a regularity to my schedule, I somewhat have a plan.  My schedule does not really change, and in this I have become comfortable.  Wake up, let the dog out, take a shower, get ready, leave in a rush out the door usually while spilling coffee on myself, get to school just early enough to get myself together, pour into kids all day (or at least try to..) and teach my little heart out (again try to), bell rings- ash takes a breather, cheer practice, then home, dog, dinner, read/journal/get a reality check with jesus, go to bed.  This has become my schedule.  A schedule I was unsure of at the beginning of this new journey, if you will, but nevertheless, here I am; pretty comfortable.  

enter anything new.  and i mean anything... something that throws a wrench in my week, for the good or the bad, and i am bent out of shape.  questioning everything; panicked.  I want normalcy i scream inside... normalcy is all i want.  

normalcy?

see, this is where satan gets me.  just when i think i am finding my hope, love, joy in jesus, satan  and my own sinful desires, wishes and pride come up and completely blindside me creating this great fear in my heart.  "you are not ready...", "you are not okay...", "you are not there yet...", " you are not worth it...", "how could you think that something good can happen"...

I realize i am being very candid in this, so if that makes you uncomfortable I am very sorry.  my good friend on sunday said something to me that i have heard a million times before but really has stuck in my head, and very honestly i feel like this is the message that jesus is trying to get across to me.  "look to truth".  finding the truth is not necessarily ever that hard for me... it is the believing it part and clinging on to it part that sometimes gets me.  i never have a problem with the truth of how great and gracious our lord is.  i never have an issue with the fact that he is the risen son of God, and he is sovereign and everlasting.  you see, my hardship comes in the package of god will never accept me... god will never love me for the things i think or the things i do because he can see my heart.  this is a lie that is whispered to me on a daily basis.  i am not good enough.  and instead of saying, praise god, you are right, i am not good enough... i choose to get downcast and look for other ways to fill my soul to make myself feel better.  this is when the surrounding myself with truth would really help.  how amazing would it be to combat those thoughts with the beautiful truth of the lord.  although i have grown up knowing that the lord loves me unconditionally, no matter what i have done, for some reason i have a hard time believing that.  i live in this little word where it is never okay to do something wrong.  i have created this world in my life, and i have become the center of it.  this prideful world that i live in can crumble at any second when things do not go well.  this is not the case at all times, but i find myself going back to this at times lately.  and sometimes when this happens, i default and run to things that used to make me feel good for the moment.  this frustrates me and upsets me to no end.  it makes me uncomfortable, mad, and oh so frustrated with myself.  

you see even when i am feeling this way, the lord is still so near.  he is still so sweet.  he still always comes through to whisper, beloved i love you.  no matter what you think, or no matter what you feel in this moment, i love you more than you could possibly see or know.  he does not flaunt the fact that i don't deserve his love, but lavishes it on me.  and even after these sweet moments, i still go back to this anxiousness i so "comfortably" possess.  how sad.  

the lord is sweet though.  he is good, and i know even when i feel like i am not worth anything, he still picks me up and loves on me.  he still showers me with his grace and goodness and shows me, whether in that moment, or in a rare moment that i long to have far more often than naught, that he DOES love me.  whether i choose to believe it in that moment is up to me... but he loves me.  the truth is he loves me.  he loves the chattery, can't make up her mind, constantly finding something to worry about, dorky, extremely selfish, and way more serious at times than she needs to be Ashley.  i am thankful to our sweet lord for this, and i pray he continues to give me nuggets of truth.  i love him.  

Beloved, 

If we are faithless, he still remains faithful for he cannot deny himself.

2 Timothy 2:13

thanks for listening...

HELLO MY LOVES!!!! :)

Okay, I have not posted in 20 years... or so it seems, so I will begin my posting something that I posted on my facebook blog :)  Disclaimer:  I do not usually blog on facebook, but for some reason did that that particular day.  

Here it is:

Today, on this beautiful fall morning while driving with the windows down and listening to some John Coltrane in the background I started to reflect and think. When these "thinking/reflection" (for lack of a better word) comes on I love to take advantage of it. Writing it sometimes helps to process my thoughts.

The past year and a half has been a true, growing and defining time in my life. Never, would I have thought up the way the Lord has chosen to mature me and shape and mold me so that I know that I truely only should be living for him...and him alone. I am now at a point where the Lord has shown me all these different things through truely being brokenhearted. He has shown me He is near to the broken-hearted and constantly there when you call on him. I cannot imagine my life without my Savior or the goodness, love, joy and peace He alone has brought to my life. 

I am now a point where everything he has showed me is meant to be implemented. For the first time in my life I am living by myself, paying my own bills, and I have a full-time job. The transition from college life to the "work world" has really required a shift in thinking and living. College ends and you start to see some friendships start to dissenegrate (which sucks, but each individual is now going down a different path), and then it becomes a time when you start to see relationships in a new light. I think you start to appreciate them more than you once did. You are more thankful for the deep, abiding relationships that you do have. You recognize the difference in these relationships versus the old. It does not mean that the old relationships were not meaningful or that they did not play a huge part in your life...things just change. That is part of life.

Many of my friends are now either married or have met the person they believe that they will marry. This is also an interesting time for someone who is very, very single.(Haha..I am so dramatic.) I believe the Lord is growing me tremendously when it comes to this area of my life. Please do not hear me saying that I feel as though I have arrived. I believe whole-heartidly that the Lord can deliever us from whatever He so chooses, however when we start to believe we have arrived or overcome too much of our selves are in that thinking; thus proving we are still flawed and in fact have not arrived. (I apologize for my rant... I digress). All this to say where I would have been blue because my close friends have this (of what I have past and still at times percieve as true happiness) the Lord has now reformed my thinking to know that may not be what He has for me now. I am single, and for the first time in my life I am okay with that. I know I will be fine, and even more honestly I do not need a male to complete me. My thinking and heart have been transformed by the fact that the Lord's love is all I need. Although I do desire to meet my perfect one, I know that it will only be right in the Lord's sweet timing. This revelation and peace can only be seen as from Jesus. Even a month ago I was not believing that the Lord had a plan for me. Then all of a sudden...in His timing, there was a breakthrough. The breakthrough has not come without many trials, tears and even tests; but how sweet He is to challenge and allow me to be tested and see that when I trust in his sweet name I become completely secure in him. 

So although this stage may not be what I planned: 22 (almost 23), single, living alone,teaching and still learning; I am thankful. Thankful the Lord has provided clarity at times, unending grace,peace, and some good friends that I can talk deeply with. I am thankful for a job that I have always wanted and feel like the Lord has been preparing me for. My hope is the Lord will continue to grow, shape, and mold me into who He wants me to be and that eventually in the future I will find someone who has a deep, abiding love for the Lord and will listen to my dumb stories and enjoy my quirkiness. I hope to sit outside and dream and reflect on the Lord's goodness with that special one and that He will challenge me to be the woman that the Lord has created me to be over a cup of Joe. Until then I truely hope that I continue to seek to find my worth and love in the Lord and that I continue to see his hand in all situations. Thank you for your grace, peace and love sweet Jesus.

And for good measure: thanks for listening ;)

Let's talk about BAD THEOLOGY...

what stirs you?

lately i have been thinking about what stirs my affections for the lord.  also what are the things that rather stir my feelings up rather than stirring my affections for the lord.  what are the things that i focus on too much that cause more stress and strife in my life than necessary?  there are many things that i focus on that cause me to take all of my focus off of christ and put it on myself.  namely, me.  i am the queen of worrying about how things will affect me... or how things will work out once i get into the mix of things.  one part of it is extremely selfish (well all of it), most of it is pride, full-out pride and thwarted pride, but when it really comes down to me not waking up and focusing all my energies on Christ and what he has done for me.  

instead i focus on how lonely i might be feeling, or how stressed out i am about school, or what if that lesson plan doesn't come out right and the kids don't understand and ultimately fail and then i am out of a job.  i mean... at the root of everything it comes back to my selfish desires.  me, me, me.  where i do think that the lord is killing a lot of that in me... and quite frankly, has killed a lot of that in me over the past year...it is still uncomfortable when it is pointed out.  my goal is to really start focussing on truth..."talking to myself, instead of listening to myself".  for when i listen to myself i am in a FAR WORSE condition and frame of mind (which i have been all week) versus when i talk to myself.

let me show you a little something from a book my best friend let me borrow:

"on a daily basis we are faced with two simple choices.  we can either listen to ourselves and our constantly changing feelings about our circumstances, or we can talk to ourselves about the unchanging truth of who God is and what HE HAS ACCOMPLISHED for us at the cross.  Far too often we choose to passively listen to ourselves.  We sit back and let our view of GOD and life be shaped by our constantly shifting feelings  about our ever changing circumstances.  Life is busy.  Often hard.  Full of distractions.  And before a morning cup of coffee, our passive  listening can take us on a roller coaster ride as we review a hundred different topics and experience a dozen varied emotions.  Is it a wonder we are so often unhappy?  We're listening to ourselves.  We need to start talking to ourselves instead"  (Mahaney 47).

so... to sum up.  this is where i am at.  stressed and feeling a bit... well, i am not sure.   but the passage from above definitely resinated with my soul.  Thank you C.J. Mahaney...and elise ;)  

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a couple of sidenotes:

1.  i am sick and thus feeling in a bit of a rut.

2.  i love teaching... i am just tired, and am needing a bit of encouragement.  and that will come.

3.  i know i started out using all lowercase, and then using some uppercase, and now some lowercase, and i am an english teacher.  sorry if that bothers you.  

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I will leave you with things that stir my affections for Christ and encourage you to make a list of the same.  not only is it fun... it is practical ;)

1.  obviously spending time with jesus... thus, writing/journaling,  getting in the word, reading...

2.  a good cup of coffee.  sitting in a little-known coffee shop, or starbucks  :)  listening to some ella, louis a, or etta.

3.  a good deep, conversation with friends.  where they are at, what they are struggling with, what is making them happy.  just truthful convos.  

4.  my kids-- the kids i teach that is.  that point when i see they truly understand what i am teaching... or when they just share important things with me.  (also, i love when they think i am a complete dork.  it is my calling. ha :))

5.  okay this may seem weird but CLOTHES.  designer clothes.  i mean.. i am in heaven at northpark.  okay, probably not literally, but i love looking at the different fabrics, putting the different things together and ahhh, i just love fashion.  i just get excited.  (this can sometimes tend to go on the bad side of things... i have to keep this in check...)

6.  my church-- oh, how i love the body of believers that i worship with.  they have impacted my life in numerous ways.  i am beyond thankful for my church.

7.  my family

8.  much needed sleep-- i know that may sound silly, but i am person who requires lots of sleep and when i get a chance to chill on a weekend... it makes me giddy and want to praise Jesus.

9.  music-- love it.  love it.

10.  singing...

11.  christmas time :)  i think that goes back to family and such.

okay, i am sure there is more, but no need to bore you.  i am going to go eat some dinner, take a bath and go to bed.  pray for me this week please.  although i have just written all of the above... sometimes that does not always correlate well with what i have already fixated my stress on.  i love you guys.

K-I-C-K-E-M, Kick em' Colts Kick Em'.........

Just a bit of an update until I have time for a full-on post.  This was the first week of my official teaching career.  My dream job.... and can I just tell you I literally have my DREAM JOB.  I am working with the kinds of kids I have always wanted to work with.  I have a venue to love on (in an appropriate way!!) these kids and encourage them.  I am just sooo excited!  hehe :)

I will update more later, but I just wanted to tell you that it is going great!  I even decorated my cart!  :)  hehe, I figure if you have to float between hallways you might as well do it in style ;)

okay, i love you all.  i will write more later... i'm a sleepy girl!  Good news though!  It is jeans friday tomorrow!  YES!  Halleluj, halleluj, halleluj, halleluj PRAISE YE THE LORD!

k bye.  :)