Comparison.

Comparsion.  It is something that is so easy to do and something that I tend to do quite frequently.  I think most people could probably admit that they sometimes play the game of comparsion.  If you are not a person who compares your life to others then I applaud you.  I do not think that we mean to do it, but I do believe that it happens and it can be a killer of the joy that the Lord has for us.

I have not written in a very long time.  Half of that is because I have been so busy and not made time and the other half is because I have been struggling with who I actually want reading this blog.  I have a bit of a fear of man issue that the Lord seems to keep pointing out this year (especially this year when I did not think I could get any worse at it) and with that I have not been writing.  I love to write.  Even this silly blog helps me think and vent.  Not vent where I am talking negatively about others, but helps me put what I am thinking somewhere.  It is almost therapy.  I like to get on here after I journal to the Lord and it helps me think through what I have just written.  I say all this because for some reason it has been a struggle to even get on here and write.  This is silly.  As I am writing this I want you to know I will be coming back to the question of who do we think God is?  How are we viewing God right now (aka- how am I viewing God right now)?

I have always been very wary of "preaching" to people.  I have come from a sweet family that has been burned many times by people "preaching" at them instead of loving on them as Christ loves the church.  I have always been very wary of people who choose to judge and are seemingly self-righteous and like to show to others that they are the most amazing Christians around.  It gets under my skin like no other thing because I believe that turns people away from Jesus.  In a culture where we need Jesus more than anything- why would you choose to be like that to perpetuate the problem?  Why would you choose to show Jesus as someone who is not loving, is not forgiving, and is judgemental and harsh?  Does it say in the Bible that God is a just judge and he will judge the sins of others?  Yes.  But does God tell us to be go out and tell everyone how horrible they are-- or even better- make people feel horrible because they are not living like you are (since it is important for everyone to be like us {sarcasm})?  I do not believe so.  Do not get me wrong- I think that there are those who are chosen to live a life where they do call people out on a regular basis, but I truly believe that those who are called to such big things are not self-righteous but are rather constantly submissive to God and what he calls them to say to others.  I do not believe that they come up with their own sermons or words.  If it is not from God I do not believe it should be said to others as from the word of God.

This year has been a great year of change.  It seems to me that the past 7 years have been that way for me.  I could probably go back in my blog and see such things that are present.  I have had a few broken-hearted times.  What I have found is that the Lord has used that time so much.  He has drawn me closer to Him and showed me and revealed things in me that I do not believe that I would have seen if I had not gone through hard times.  Lately, I have been praying that the Lord calm my heart.  I have always been one who stresses.  If you known me well at all, you know that is what I do.  I do not think it is OK or right that I stress, but alas, I do it frequently.  I have had some challenges this year.  The Lord was gracious enough to bring someone in to take Cheerleading from me.  Coaching Cheerleading, career wise, was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I dealt with parents who constantly saw me as a road block to their child's success, ran a rather large program, dealt with high school girls (enough said there) and was in charge of people who were my same age, and sometimes older.  It was an interesting spot to be in.  So, when I found out that my WONDERFUL principal had hired someone on to take cheerleading from me, tears were the only reaction I have.  Relief.  Gratitude.  and a question of what is next for me?

What I have found this year is that I have had a few words that have defined me.  coach.  cheerleading. single.  What is also true about those words is that they are no longer my titles or fields in which I am operating under.  Now I operate under the words of English teacher.  wife.  homemaker.  Ib teacher.  Can I just tell you that I do not feel that I am good at any of these quite yet.  Do I love my babies at school and hope and worry over whether I am teaching them and loving them like I need to?  yes.  Do I love my husband?  Of course.  But do I think that I measure up to all the qualities that a wife should be?  But I guess what I am getting at is I am not measuring up when it comes to the game of comparison.  I think instead of looking to my spiritual calling of a wife (which I truly do try to reach as much as possible on a daily basis, even though at times it seems impossible for this sinful, selfish human being), I look at others.  I am going to be real with you- I hate to cook most nights.  I have no interest.  When people start to talk about recipes, I just don't have any interest.  Some might find this selfish.  I have even asked myself that question.  Am I being selfish?  Bottom line is I will learn to cook well.  I will cook and do cook because I know that that is something that my husband likes me to do.  But it is not something that I find joy in.  And maybe I should.  As I write this I realize I should find joy in cooking for those I love, but I just am not a fan of cooking.  This is all to say that many of the "wifely duties" that so many woman say that we are called to are hard for me.  I have lived on my own for almost 6 years before I married Josh.  I think Elise (my constant source of encouragement and also rebuke if it is needed;)) told me about 8 times I needed a roommate to help sanctify me.  Now I am being constantly sanctified by my husband- which is the constant reminder of how much I need Jesus every day.  My question is- why is the game of comparsion so prevalent in my life?  Why do I constantly look at others and wonder why am I not that person or why did my life not end up that way?  I am where I am for a reason.  God put me here.  I firmly believe that, even on days that I question that.  God had me have a broken engagement, hard relationships, and other such things and has had me seek him through all of those things.  Why is it that I must try to put myself into this mold that people think I need to be in.

The good, the bad, and the ugly is unto Him in my life.  The eb and flow in life is unto Him.  Hard times are inevitable and most times we can choose for them to define us.  OR, we can choose for the Lord to define us.  I have always felt a little different.  I have felt that the Lord does have big plans for me, but I have never known what that will look like or how he could even use me.  The Lord has been challenging me in this this year.  The Lord has many purposes for each of his children and they will not all look the same.  And I venture to say- THAT IS OK.  I think the first thing is for me to accept this and acknowledge this and to live by this.  Actually, I think the first thing is to get in the word, and the second thing is above.  Thirdly, I think it is important to hear from others, but not to let what they think define my life.  God defines my life.  I believe God has put people in my life to walk through life with me, call me out, love on me, but I also believe that there are those who believe that is their roll when it is simply not.  I desire not to fall into the trap of making my life what someone else wants it to be.  If I do fall into the pattern of what someone "thinks I should be" rather than what God has called me to, what kind of life is that?  Rather, I want to live a life that is pleasing to God and is faithful to Him.  I desire to live a life pleasing to God.  I do not desire to compare myself to others for the rest of my life.  Comparsion...let us not let it rob us of joy, but let us see it for the sin that it is, call it out and rely on Christ to change us, mold us and love us into the people he desires us to be for him.