Little Miss. Unbelief

Do you remember the books from when you were little called, "Little Miss Sunshine" or "Mr. Happy"?  Many of the characters in these books could be me on any given day.  I tend to go about my day and face many of the characteristics that these cute, adorable, and sometimes irritating characters seem to embody in each of their books.  

The Lord has really been dealing with my heart is some major areas lately.  (What areas of the heart on not major?)  It is never fun when the Lord shows you something to work on...or maybe it is for you.  I, however, tend to sway towards the perfectionist side of things so it is hard for me when something is shown to me that I am not that great at well, being perfect at.  Even as I type these words I feel pride rising in me telling me to just delete that sentence.  Two areas of my life that the Lord is dealing with me in are Pride and Unbelief.  Can I just say these two areas are a little hard to swallow and at times to deal with.  I have literally tried to avoid it at times and take a nap instead of facing the Lord with it.  I know, that is sad.  So many things have been showed to me lately about how little I believe the Lord.  Sure, I believe in Him...but trusting him, that is another issue in itself.  How badly I wish that I could just say, "Here, Lord take (insert my problems here...)" and not worry about it.  Thing thing is I AM ABLE TO.  The Lord takes our burdens and carries them for us, yet I am constantly choosing to be little miss. control freak and little miss. unbelief instead of trusting him with some major issues in my life.  It is amazing to me, after everything he has brought me through, that I have even one ounce of disbelief.   that i am even afraid he will not come through with something I feel he has promised me is absurd.  I am so encompassed with my own disbelief that I tend to question the truth on a regular basis.  This has been brought to the light by the Lord, and it seriously just makes me sick.  How much I wish that I just believed him and did not question a thing in my life.  Instead I question most things, and try to take it in my own hands instead of trusting Him to take it for me.  I am immersed in this life of unbelief. 

I am constantly reminded of this as well.  Can I just tell you that when you ask the Lord to break of you of something, he will surely do it.  It may not be the way that you wanted him to break you, but nevertheless, he will do it.  I have been overwhelmed by the Lord showing me thing after thing that I do and say, that does not necessarily line up with what I say that I believe.  There are many ways in which he has shown me this- first it started out subtle, now it has become overtly obvious.  I have noticed how I will encourage my students in different ways and really believe what I am saying for their lives and really believe that the Lord can do that for them, but do not believe that the Lord could do that in my own life.  I notice how am half-hearted in prayer for myself because I do not think it will necessarily get answered.  I do not believe Him with things I feel that He has told me or things that he shown me because I am blinded by my own agenda or by my own hand trying to control things.  The Lord has overwhelmed me with scripture about how the Israelites were constantly begging for the Lord to do more and more, and complaining and wanting to go back to a place that was not good for their lives, that the Lord clearly showed them that they need to leave, but out of some sort of comfort zone that they believed to be there, they wanted to go back to that bondage.  Instead of praising the Lord for the freedom and provision he was bringing into their lives, they were complaining about the bread and being tired and other such things.  This is me...I am constantly going back on what the Lord has asked me to do and asking him, Are you sure this is your plan for me?  Are you sure Lord, because I am sure we could figure something out if this is not your will..."  All that to say, I am a very silly woman.  I am flawed and try to be extremely independent when all I need to be is dependent on the Lord.  I ask the Lord why constantly instead of praising Him for where he has brought me and praying for my future and my present.  I look way ahead in the future and choose to believe the lie that the Lord will never answer my request.  This is a lie. 

"The enemy taunts us with whispers like, You'll never be free.  You've tried a hundred times.  You go back every time.  You're hopeless.  You're weak.  You're a failure.  You don't have what it takes.  Every one of these statements about you is a lie if you are believer in Christ.  You do have what it takes.  You have Jesus- the way, the truth, and the Life.  But you can't just believe in him to be free from your stronghold.  You have to believe Him."

Beth Moore; Praying God's Word

 I have to believe this because that is what His word says.  When I read this passage and some of the verses that I will follow this post up with I was taken aback.  It is always amazing to me how the Lord knows when to hit you right between the eyes.  This unbelief is a tricky little thing too because it is not like I am really wanting to not choose the truth.  I do, but I am constantly believing these lies that are set before me.  Now, have I chased it with truth?  Obviously not because I am still dealing with this.  This is where I have gone wrong...I must chase this unbelief away with what the truth is and what the truth says.  

And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to go must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

Hebrews 11:10

For some reason, one I don't quite know yet, the Lord has been showing me a lot about Moses. I have even had someone tell me that I am a Moses of my day....in which after the Lord has been showing me SO much that has to do with Moses and the Israelites.  (Again, my fear of man is coming out a bit on sharing this with the blogging community- all five of you that read this- because I am afraid that someone will think I am trying to brag, or I am just being, well I don't know...but it just scares me a bit to share that.)  Now why...again, not quite sure, other than the whole disbelief thing...but here are some verses with that too:

"By faith Moses, when he  was born was hidden for three months by his parents, because they saw that the child was beautiful, and they were not afraid of the king's edict.  By faith Moses, when he was grown up, refused to be called the song of Pharaoh's daughter, choose rather to be mistreated with the people of God than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin.  He considered reproach of Christ greater wealth than treasures of Egypt, for he was looking to the reward.  By faith he left Egypt, not being afraid of the anger of the king, for he endured as seeing him who is invisible.  By faith he kept the Passover and sprinkled blood, so that the Destroyer of the firstborn might touch them.  By faith the people crossed the Red Sea as if on dry land, but the Egyptians, when they attempted to do the same, were drown."

Hebrews 11:23-29

The Lord is faithful.  The Lord is good.  The Lord gives us strength in Him, and wants me.  Little, obsessive-compulsive, messy apartment, impatient, constantly complaining and questioning me.  :)  And he wants you too.  We just have to be able to believe HIM.

We act out what we believe.  Not what we know.

Vickie Arruda

Whew, and with that, I am done for the night.  God is good...and he is continuing to show me how great he actually his.  I am out for his renown and my heart aches for him.

Love you guys...

I'm sooo excited, and I just can't hide it!!!!!!!

Disclaimer- Evidently I still do not know how to post pictures and write so the pictures come first on this post!  Sorry.  Here are some pics from the Cheer banquet-

the charm bracelet my kids got me:)My gIRLS!

One of my girls, Haley and I!
Lacey and I!  I think she is more peppy than I am!! 
Erin and I!! 

The coaches...a little blurry:)

A few updates...and I am not going to lie it may sound like I am bragging a bit, but I am just excited!

(This will probably be a little out of order!)

1.  I received an email tonight being asked to come speak at the AISD Career Expo due to me being recommended by my principal as an "exceptional first year teacher"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!! I AM SOOO EXCITED I CAN BARELY STAND IT!  I totally did a little dance around my apartment today!!!!!  I am not trying to brag...its just stuff like this has always been my dream so I just am super excited!  :)  I'll let you know what happens with all of that!  

2.  We had a cheer banquet this past weekend and I am just so proud of my girls!  I have really enjoyed watching them grow not only as cheerleaders but as young women!  I will be coaching JV next year so I get to move up with these girls.  I am very excited:)  *the pictures are above*

3. The Lord is showing me a lot of cool things right now.  I will write more about that later...it is some stuff I am still working through.

All in all everything is going good!  It is late and I will post again soon.  Just wanted to catch you up!  LOVE YOU GUYS! 

A face lift...if you will :)

I will post soon... I am trying to figure out something new with this blog.  So much has changed since I first started blogging so I thought I would change my blog up a bit!

more to come!  L.O.V.E Y.O.U. allllll!! 

 

I leave you with a picture...more to come SOON!  

A big day

you know, all though I did not vote for Obama, I think there is some sort of pride in the fact that we, as America, have gotten far enough where a black man has been elected and will be the next president of the United States.  I teach kids who everyday come to school heavy-hearted and at times beaten down by life.  They have circumstances that are far beyond anything I have ever had to deal with, and just in watching them, I think that tomorrow's inauguration will be a very big moment in their lives.  Where some of them do not really know much about politics, or they listen to their parents, and tend to agree with what they say...I know to each of the minorities, which are now, really majorities in the United States, this is a huge day for them.  It is a huge day for each and every one of the kids I teach because it is history.  They are going to be watching history in the making.  

I do not know why today has affected me in the way that it has.  I have thought a lot about Martin Luther King Jr, everything he stood for, and wondering what he would think about everything that will be happening tomorrow.  I have thought a lot about the prejudice people there are in America thinking that there is no way that a black man can run this country, or even wishing bodily harm upon him.  I have thought about people thinking that the world is ending because he is in office.  Bottom line with that is that the Lord is in control.  Obama could run us into the ground, or be the best president we have ever had.  That is only for the Lord to know and time to tell.  However, when I think about these things, my mind goes back to my kids at school.  What they go through on a daily basis, and what they have been taught about stereotypes and what they are worth because of what treatment they have been shown.  I think about how we talk about that there is no color, but there is a personality and depth and life and a soul behind each every INDIVIDUAL in my class.  I guess my hope in this time of "change" is that we, as adults, really do implement a change.  That we be the change we long to see in our nation, and in our community.  That we think about what the Lord has for our lives, and implement what he is showing us on a daily basis.  That we go to the word before we open our mouths, and we seek Him before we seek ourselves.  This is a tall order... I know, and all day that is what I have been thinking about.  The thing is...we (through the Lord) can be hope, and change, and light for the kids I teach, and even for their parents that I do not see.  Racism, judgement, inappropriate behavior towards others that we do not know can end with us.  So, although I do not agree with all of our new president's policies, I will support our president because that is what we are called to do right now.  I will also support him because I have 150 kids looking at me everyday as an example for what an adult should be.  I plead with you to be that example for someone that you are around as well, because it could affect one of the families of a child I am teaching...

An encouraging verse:

This is love for God: to obey his commands.  And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world.  This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.  Who is it that overcomes the world?  Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.

1 John 5:3-5

I love you guys.  Sorry this is so serious tonight...this has just been on my heart.  

Life Lately...a little out of order

Elise is going to kill me for putting this on here...but I LOVE HER!

Bjer Smeejer...(my brother) at home.  His hair looks beautiful huh!? :) Oh brother.

Bj, Nanaka, Me and Austin in Houston.

Austin and I by the tree.

This is Jessie.  He is 100 years old.  Just kidding...we have had him since I was 5 and bj was 4.  He is older and cannot see or hear.  Poor baby...I feel like we must take a pic with him everytime I go home due to his old age.

Bj being....well, Bj.

Some of my old home-group girls.  Some amazing relationships have developed from the deep community we have shared.  Steph also has now gotten engaged!! Yay her!! 

Jordi, Cole, and Me!! Jordan got engaged that night!!  

Some of my girls on my birthday at school! My cheerleaders threw me a birthday party in class!! My little pony was the theme! :)

More of my girls.  

My girls being crazy at a football game!

Me and one of my girls.

My bests @ my personal favorite...Palio's!

Haley and I at a volleyball tourney.  This was actually the night my apartment got broken into.

Elise and I!!!! How I love her.

A much needed update of sorts...

Helllooo my loves!! How I have missed thee, and blogging :)  I am in a bit of a hurry, thus this will not be a long post, but I just wanted to give a few updates.

Updates:

1.  Football season is over and I have officially survived my first "football/cheer season"!  Hootie, Hootie Hoo!

2.  My apartment got broken into....thus, I will be moving.  Although it sucks that I got broken into, I am SOO thankful that I was not here, and they did not take my puppy.  I am also thankful my dad was in town and was able to zoom over here.  I also hope they are having fun with maureen (my white macbook with my life on it...) and my pretty tv.  (sarcasm).

3.  School is going great...we are in the middle of our research paper, and although it is a frustrating thing to teach a sophomore a thesis statement, I am so happy to have this job.  I love these kids so much and I am so thankful the Lord has entrusted me with them.  I looooveee my job!  

4.  I am also excited about Christmas break!  Wooo!

5.  I got a Christmas Tree for my birthday and I am sooo excited to put it up!! hehe :)

6.  There is a new person in my life that I am very happy about ;) (im a cheeseball...)

7.  I really want to buy my puppy a sweater!  I mean... I know that may be overboard, but it is chilly out there and I think she needs a cute CHRISTMAS sweater!  :)  

8.  I have decided I am going to deep clean my car...it is in much need.  I am writing this on here because maybe I will actually do it since it is written on here ;0)

I realize this may not be the best update ever...but I will be back soon!! LOVE YOU GUYS! 

faithless

My life has now become something that I find comfort in.  I have become comfortable within the change of newness that has come since college.  About 6 months ago I was singing a different kind of song... the kind of song in which the singer was very uncomfortable with the changes and did not really know how to feel about them.  Now I find myself in a different place.  A place I have become comfortable with, but know is only a temporary "comfort".  You see I have now finally have a regularity to my schedule, I somewhat have a plan.  My schedule does not really change, and in this I have become comfortable.  Wake up, let the dog out, take a shower, get ready, leave in a rush out the door usually while spilling coffee on myself, get to school just early enough to get myself together, pour into kids all day (or at least try to..) and teach my little heart out (again try to), bell rings- ash takes a breather, cheer practice, then home, dog, dinner, read/journal/get a reality check with jesus, go to bed.  This has become my schedule.  A schedule I was unsure of at the beginning of this new journey, if you will, but nevertheless, here I am; pretty comfortable.  

enter anything new.  and i mean anything... something that throws a wrench in my week, for the good or the bad, and i am bent out of shape.  questioning everything; panicked.  I want normalcy i scream inside... normalcy is all i want.  

normalcy?

see, this is where satan gets me.  just when i think i am finding my hope, love, joy in jesus, satan  and my own sinful desires, wishes and pride come up and completely blindside me creating this great fear in my heart.  "you are not ready...", "you are not okay...", "you are not there yet...", " you are not worth it...", "how could you think that something good can happen"...

I realize i am being very candid in this, so if that makes you uncomfortable I am very sorry.  my good friend on sunday said something to me that i have heard a million times before but really has stuck in my head, and very honestly i feel like this is the message that jesus is trying to get across to me.  "look to truth".  finding the truth is not necessarily ever that hard for me... it is the believing it part and clinging on to it part that sometimes gets me.  i never have a problem with the truth of how great and gracious our lord is.  i never have an issue with the fact that he is the risen son of God, and he is sovereign and everlasting.  you see, my hardship comes in the package of god will never accept me... god will never love me for the things i think or the things i do because he can see my heart.  this is a lie that is whispered to me on a daily basis.  i am not good enough.  and instead of saying, praise god, you are right, i am not good enough... i choose to get downcast and look for other ways to fill my soul to make myself feel better.  this is when the surrounding myself with truth would really help.  how amazing would it be to combat those thoughts with the beautiful truth of the lord.  although i have grown up knowing that the lord loves me unconditionally, no matter what i have done, for some reason i have a hard time believing that.  i live in this little word where it is never okay to do something wrong.  i have created this world in my life, and i have become the center of it.  this prideful world that i live in can crumble at any second when things do not go well.  this is not the case at all times, but i find myself going back to this at times lately.  and sometimes when this happens, i default and run to things that used to make me feel good for the moment.  this frustrates me and upsets me to no end.  it makes me uncomfortable, mad, and oh so frustrated with myself.  

you see even when i am feeling this way, the lord is still so near.  he is still so sweet.  he still always comes through to whisper, beloved i love you.  no matter what you think, or no matter what you feel in this moment, i love you more than you could possibly see or know.  he does not flaunt the fact that i don't deserve his love, but lavishes it on me.  and even after these sweet moments, i still go back to this anxiousness i so "comfortably" possess.  how sad.  

the lord is sweet though.  he is good, and i know even when i feel like i am not worth anything, he still picks me up and loves on me.  he still showers me with his grace and goodness and shows me, whether in that moment, or in a rare moment that i long to have far more often than naught, that he DOES love me.  whether i choose to believe it in that moment is up to me... but he loves me.  the truth is he loves me.  he loves the chattery, can't make up her mind, constantly finding something to worry about, dorky, extremely selfish, and way more serious at times than she needs to be Ashley.  i am thankful to our sweet lord for this, and i pray he continues to give me nuggets of truth.  i love him.  

Beloved, 

If we are faithless, he still remains faithful for he cannot deny himself.

2 Timothy 2:13

thanks for listening...