HELLO MY LOVES!!!! :)

Okay, I have not posted in 20 years... or so it seems, so I will begin my posting something that I posted on my facebook blog :)  Disclaimer:  I do not usually blog on facebook, but for some reason did that that particular day.  

Here it is:

Today, on this beautiful fall morning while driving with the windows down and listening to some John Coltrane in the background I started to reflect and think. When these "thinking/reflection" (for lack of a better word) comes on I love to take advantage of it. Writing it sometimes helps to process my thoughts.

The past year and a half has been a true, growing and defining time in my life. Never, would I have thought up the way the Lord has chosen to mature me and shape and mold me so that I know that I truely only should be living for him...and him alone. I am now at a point where the Lord has shown me all these different things through truely being brokenhearted. He has shown me He is near to the broken-hearted and constantly there when you call on him. I cannot imagine my life without my Savior or the goodness, love, joy and peace He alone has brought to my life. 

I am now a point where everything he has showed me is meant to be implemented. For the first time in my life I am living by myself, paying my own bills, and I have a full-time job. The transition from college life to the "work world" has really required a shift in thinking and living. College ends and you start to see some friendships start to dissenegrate (which sucks, but each individual is now going down a different path), and then it becomes a time when you start to see relationships in a new light. I think you start to appreciate them more than you once did. You are more thankful for the deep, abiding relationships that you do have. You recognize the difference in these relationships versus the old. It does not mean that the old relationships were not meaningful or that they did not play a huge part in your life...things just change. That is part of life.

Many of my friends are now either married or have met the person they believe that they will marry. This is also an interesting time for someone who is very, very single.(Haha..I am so dramatic.) I believe the Lord is growing me tremendously when it comes to this area of my life. Please do not hear me saying that I feel as though I have arrived. I believe whole-heartidly that the Lord can deliever us from whatever He so chooses, however when we start to believe we have arrived or overcome too much of our selves are in that thinking; thus proving we are still flawed and in fact have not arrived. (I apologize for my rant... I digress). All this to say where I would have been blue because my close friends have this (of what I have past and still at times percieve as true happiness) the Lord has now reformed my thinking to know that may not be what He has for me now. I am single, and for the first time in my life I am okay with that. I know I will be fine, and even more honestly I do not need a male to complete me. My thinking and heart have been transformed by the fact that the Lord's love is all I need. Although I do desire to meet my perfect one, I know that it will only be right in the Lord's sweet timing. This revelation and peace can only be seen as from Jesus. Even a month ago I was not believing that the Lord had a plan for me. Then all of a sudden...in His timing, there was a breakthrough. The breakthrough has not come without many trials, tears and even tests; but how sweet He is to challenge and allow me to be tested and see that when I trust in his sweet name I become completely secure in him. 

So although this stage may not be what I planned: 22 (almost 23), single, living alone,teaching and still learning; I am thankful. Thankful the Lord has provided clarity at times, unending grace,peace, and some good friends that I can talk deeply with. I am thankful for a job that I have always wanted and feel like the Lord has been preparing me for. My hope is the Lord will continue to grow, shape, and mold me into who He wants me to be and that eventually in the future I will find someone who has a deep, abiding love for the Lord and will listen to my dumb stories and enjoy my quirkiness. I hope to sit outside and dream and reflect on the Lord's goodness with that special one and that He will challenge me to be the woman that the Lord has created me to be over a cup of Joe. Until then I truely hope that I continue to seek to find my worth and love in the Lord and that I continue to see his hand in all situations. Thank you for your grace, peace and love sweet Jesus.

And for good measure: thanks for listening ;)

Let's talk about BAD THEOLOGY...

what stirs you?

lately i have been thinking about what stirs my affections for the lord.  also what are the things that rather stir my feelings up rather than stirring my affections for the lord.  what are the things that i focus on too much that cause more stress and strife in my life than necessary?  there are many things that i focus on that cause me to take all of my focus off of christ and put it on myself.  namely, me.  i am the queen of worrying about how things will affect me... or how things will work out once i get into the mix of things.  one part of it is extremely selfish (well all of it), most of it is pride, full-out pride and thwarted pride, but when it really comes down to me not waking up and focusing all my energies on Christ and what he has done for me.  

instead i focus on how lonely i might be feeling, or how stressed out i am about school, or what if that lesson plan doesn't come out right and the kids don't understand and ultimately fail and then i am out of a job.  i mean... at the root of everything it comes back to my selfish desires.  me, me, me.  where i do think that the lord is killing a lot of that in me... and quite frankly, has killed a lot of that in me over the past year...it is still uncomfortable when it is pointed out.  my goal is to really start focussing on truth..."talking to myself, instead of listening to myself".  for when i listen to myself i am in a FAR WORSE condition and frame of mind (which i have been all week) versus when i talk to myself.

let me show you a little something from a book my best friend let me borrow:

"on a daily basis we are faced with two simple choices.  we can either listen to ourselves and our constantly changing feelings about our circumstances, or we can talk to ourselves about the unchanging truth of who God is and what HE HAS ACCOMPLISHED for us at the cross.  Far too often we choose to passively listen to ourselves.  We sit back and let our view of GOD and life be shaped by our constantly shifting feelings  about our ever changing circumstances.  Life is busy.  Often hard.  Full of distractions.  And before a morning cup of coffee, our passive  listening can take us on a roller coaster ride as we review a hundred different topics and experience a dozen varied emotions.  Is it a wonder we are so often unhappy?  We're listening to ourselves.  We need to start talking to ourselves instead"  (Mahaney 47).

so... to sum up.  this is where i am at.  stressed and feeling a bit... well, i am not sure.   but the passage from above definitely resinated with my soul.  Thank you C.J. Mahaney...and elise ;)  

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a couple of sidenotes:

1.  i am sick and thus feeling in a bit of a rut.

2.  i love teaching... i am just tired, and am needing a bit of encouragement.  and that will come.

3.  i know i started out using all lowercase, and then using some uppercase, and now some lowercase, and i am an english teacher.  sorry if that bothers you.  

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I will leave you with things that stir my affections for Christ and encourage you to make a list of the same.  not only is it fun... it is practical ;)

1.  obviously spending time with jesus... thus, writing/journaling,  getting in the word, reading...

2.  a good cup of coffee.  sitting in a little-known coffee shop, or starbucks  :)  listening to some ella, louis a, or etta.

3.  a good deep, conversation with friends.  where they are at, what they are struggling with, what is making them happy.  just truthful convos.  

4.  my kids-- the kids i teach that is.  that point when i see they truly understand what i am teaching... or when they just share important things with me.  (also, i love when they think i am a complete dork.  it is my calling. ha :))

5.  okay this may seem weird but CLOTHES.  designer clothes.  i mean.. i am in heaven at northpark.  okay, probably not literally, but i love looking at the different fabrics, putting the different things together and ahhh, i just love fashion.  i just get excited.  (this can sometimes tend to go on the bad side of things... i have to keep this in check...)

6.  my church-- oh, how i love the body of believers that i worship with.  they have impacted my life in numerous ways.  i am beyond thankful for my church.

7.  my family

8.  much needed sleep-- i know that may sound silly, but i am person who requires lots of sleep and when i get a chance to chill on a weekend... it makes me giddy and want to praise Jesus.

9.  music-- love it.  love it.

10.  singing...

11.  christmas time :)  i think that goes back to family and such.

okay, i am sure there is more, but no need to bore you.  i am going to go eat some dinner, take a bath and go to bed.  pray for me this week please.  although i have just written all of the above... sometimes that does not always correlate well with what i have already fixated my stress on.  i love you guys.

K-I-C-K-E-M, Kick em' Colts Kick Em'.........

Just a bit of an update until I have time for a full-on post.  This was the first week of my official teaching career.  My dream job.... and can I just tell you I literally have my DREAM JOB.  I am working with the kinds of kids I have always wanted to work with.  I have a venue to love on (in an appropriate way!!) these kids and encourage them.  I am just sooo excited!  hehe :)

I will update more later, but I just wanted to tell you that it is going great!  I even decorated my cart!  :)  hehe, I figure if you have to float between hallways you might as well do it in style ;)

okay, i love you all.  i will write more later... i'm a sleepy girl!  Good news though!  It is jeans friday tomorrow!  YES!  Halleluj, halleluj, halleluj, halleluj PRAISE YE THE LORD!

k bye.  :)

mercy comes with the morning..or night ;)

fear is such a crutch.  it is something that either can sneak up on you, or seems to loom over you seemingly debilatating you for a time.  when you give into fear, it becomes a crutch because instead of powering through the fear, you not only stay fearful, but doubt and disbelief begin to sneak in.

i hate change.  really, i do.  or at least i hate the beginning stages of change.  it takes me quite a while to settle into change sometimes... sometimes even a year.  it scares me because it is different.  there is no past to rely on, but instead it is all future and present.  that scares me.  i like to succeed and it scares me that i may fail.  i get scared that this new phase may be something that i will be awful at, and i will fail miserably.  the one key factor in this whole paragraph would be the constant usage of "me" and "i".  could i be anymore self-centered?  oh, i would not put it past me... but i am definitly self-focused lately.  i fear failure.  i fear change.  i fear this new stage in life.  i mean going to school... that was easy.  make your schedule, buy your books and supplies, attend class, study and you are golden.  there doesn't really seem to be a sure-fire formula for my new phase of life though.... other than this- have faith.  believe that the lord is faithful, and that the lord knows better than i do.  that he is soveriegn in his plans, and his love is everlasting.  that i am there to love on those kids and show them jesus.  that although this time in my life is very scary for me, it can be exciting if i choose to see it that way.  i can reep joy out of the situation if i see the lord in it, and love people the way the lord would.  my job is to show christ in my actions, teaching, reactions and service to these kids, as well as teachers.  

i have such a fear of letting people down.  of showing the "real" messed up me... not that people don't already see it.  i want people to see this perfect package.  but keeping up the facade can be exhausting and trying.  i have been shown so many things this week.  it has been a breakthough kind of time in the past 2 weeks.  i had a major cry out to the lord session not too long ago, and since then the lord has been showing himself in ways and times that i have been least expecting.  sometimes i do not know why it surprises me... he is the Lord.  he can do anything he wants.  he has really spoken truth into my life this past week though scripture, music, matt's sermon this past week, and some of my sweet friends.  i am thankful for this time.  for this time of reflection and study.  i feel like i am starting to come back to life, if that makes sense.  i was starting to feel a bit stagnate; the way i have been living has been completely me-centered.  i have chosen to wallow or live in a fear that has begun to cripple me.  this is not what the lord wants for my life.  very clearly the lord has really shown me that he cares about the heart, and how i live out the word for HIS GLORY.  Not Ashley's glory.  

i have asked for wisdom, and he has given it to me in many different forms, and yet i have been double-minded in whether i have wanted to follow what he has willed.  i have been doubtful and have gone from belief and finding and seeing that the Lord is gracious and good, to becoming angry and bitter and what stage of life i find myself in right now.  how ungrateful and idolatrous.  how extremely self-centered for me to be thinking about how I am... when there is a world who does not know him.  

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.  But let him ask in faith, with no doubting,  for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.  For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."

James 1:5-8

i am home right now, houston, and i am sitting outside in the backyard.  there is a gentle breeze blowing; a reassuring comfort of the lord goodness and steadfastness.  it is neither too hot, nor too humid.. which in houston seems to be a bit of a miracle, and the sky is a pretty shade of blue-purple.  the lord shows himself to me constantly through nature.  i am thankful for this time in my life, even though at times i do not always see it as a time to be thankful for.  i would like to apologize to the few that read my blog for how unfaithful i have been in the past month or so.  there have been true, honest posts about how i long to be faithful, but not real change.  i long to change that, and i believe with all my heart that the lord is starting to move me in that direction.  how thankful to him i am for that.  how thankful i am to him for bringing me back to him and comforting me and showing me the very broken, prideful, idolatrous parts of my heart, and allowing the process to begin to start healing.  oh, how i love christ and his ways.  his mercy is sweet and although pain is in the process, how sweet it is when we come out on the other side.  i am thankful for him, for his renewing of my desire for him and for his renown.  i pray he will remain close, and that i will believe that is his plan is truely better instead of fighting and complaining like those in the desert because of the unknown and the uncomfortable. 

 i was made to live for you christ, continue to grow and shape me into your image.  i love you and want to know you more.  may this be my plea for progress.  

Thinking...but just wanted to say Hello.

i really would like to blog, so i am going to have a small post here.  i am wanting to actually blog about something inparticular, but until i get my thoughts totally together, i thought i would just ramble a bit.

i am procrastinating a bit today... what i really need to be doing is organizing my school stuff, getting the calendar ready and spending some much more needed time with jesus.  its funny to me, really not funny, but maybe more interesting that i put such important things off until it is the absolute last minute that i can squeeze it in.  this is something that frustrates me about myself.  i am not always like this, because the truth is is that i like to be planned.  i enjoy having a schedule and it being somewhat regulated.  i love being busy, but i also love the "scheduled" busyness.  it makes my life run smoother when i have a plan.  it also seems when i don't have a plan i am so lazy.  i am lazy in my pursuit of christ and everything that falls inbetween.  i was very convicted of that this morning, and i am still convicted of it as i am writing this.  i am in this reflective mood today... you know the kind of mood where its good to get things done, but you also want to be by yourself so you can think about things while making plans.  so, on that note i'm going to go change out of my gross workout clothes and get ready to go work.

so, all i wanted to say was hi.  i love you all.  i will blog more later, just wanted to say hello.

he forgives...

plans are something that i have come to realize do not always work out.  whether it was a life plan you have had since you were five, or the plan that you made five minutes ago....plans dont always seem to work out just the way we want them.  yes, we can scheme and hope that our heavy-laden plans work out, but when it comes down to it i think that "our" plans dont always seem to be his plans.  reflection while moving on seems to be the name of the game for me these days.  looking at what i know i have been told and moving forward with that word and trying (trying being the key word because i suck at it...) to be believe in what i know i have been told.  i have also begun to decipher between the words know and think or feel.  my heart is such a land mine at times, if triggered or stepped upon in the wrong way, can and will explode in any given moment.  but its not the kind of explosion where it ends up all over the other people around you... it is more of an internal land mine that at any moment can switch off and blow me to pieces for a given moment.  

there is a way for this not to happen... its just finding out what that is.  pressing into the lord i obviously the main ingredient...but with that has to come faith.  has to come belief.  where i do have belief... my heart and my head dont always seem to agree with that notion.  my mind knows what it is right...but my heart is wayward.  i dont even know what i want, yet i act like a little child when i dont have what i think i could possibly want at that point in time.  when somebody says something it triggers me to think and mull over the possiblilites and the thinking behind the statement that has been said to me.  even if it is in a flippant manner i take it in such a way that i take it as what i should be thinking or doing... which is not right.  i take what people say a lot of the times as much as serious as what the lord says... if not, even more honestly, more seriously than what the lord says.  this is sad for me.  it makes me uncomfortable and feel angry at myself for letting that happen.  fear of man is what some people call it... i call it sin.  i am so easily distracted, and satan knows that.  my very core of my heart and soul and mind want to abandon everything for the Lord, yet i get scared in so many sectors of my life without even realizing it.  i let it rule me, instead of trusting and believing that the lord who has brought me to this place, will finish out the work that he has so meticulously started.  i write all this because i know that there are probably people who may go through this similar thing.  we know what is right... we know what we need to do... we know what we have been taught about our Lord, but sometimes we have a hard time believing it.  we are like peter... doubting in the most crucial of times.  the encouraging thing about peter is that Christ still loved him.  Christ loved him and singled him out even when he knew what Peter was going to do to him... deny him, curse him.  although i desire not be compared to peter... at my very core i am peter.  loving christ with all my heart, but at times, when i get scared, i deny his plan.  

this blog is going to be kind of open-ended.  i know God is good... that he is better, and in most areas of my life i have really tried to recklessly abandon so much for his name, yet there are still some areas, i am finding out, i have my fist so tightly clenched around that it is detrimental to my soul.  i know the Lord will work with me to unclench my fist, but oh, how i long for it to happen without bruises, hurts and growing pains.  there is beauty in the journey though... i must remember that.

Consuming fire, fan into flame, a passion for your name.... Lord have your way....

more than that we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope and hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.

hebrews 10:22

God is better.  Love you guys.