Singing a New Song...

Disclaimer:  About to get somewhat personal on this blog... or about as personal as I would get to the blogging world, so if you are not ready for that please do not proceed with reading :)

Yesterday was a year since my engagement was broken off.  I had known that this date was coming and really did not know how I was going to react to the day when it actually got here.  Where i know that seems like such a long time, this past year has been full of ups and downs and really, nothing that I expected.  Even tonight, as I sit here on the new love seat (to me anyways, my parents gave it to me) while my sweet puppy is chewing on her bone with glee, I would not have imagined myself in this position a year ago.... let alone six months ago.  The Lord has brought me to places that I never thought I would be, but within that has come such joy and trust that I did not have in the Lord before.  So, although my heart has been broken, the Lord is repairing it.  He has continued to woo me and romance me in the wonderful relationship that we have today.  He has allowed me to see his grace is so many avenues, avenues that I would have never thought would have opened up.  And although I am not in the place that I thought I would be as a 22 year-old, I am grateful.  I am grateful that his plans are far better than I could have planned for.  I am thankful for the hope that he has that perfect mate for me out there somewhere.  That He has something far better than I could possibly imagine, and that He has allowed me to mature through Him in this past year.  I am happy that I am different from who I was.  I am happy that maturity has happened through the pain... and this joy that can only be found in the Lord has really bombarded my life.  I am thankful that when I hear a love song, the Lord allows me to hear about his sweet grace, that my love story is being written by my Savior... and it is with Him.  :)  

Now, where I would like to say that I am 1o0% healed of my broken-heartedness, I would be lying... however, where I am from where I was is something only of the Lord.  And I am working on really trying wholeheartedly giving everything over to Him and dying to myself daily to see his full glory at work in my life.  I am soo thankful that he is patient with me and still wants me to be His even after he has seen me at my absolute worse.  I have had every emotion under the sun this past year with everything that has went on... from guilt to anger to devastation to doubt, yet he has hung with me.  He has reassured me of his love.  He has showed me there is nothing under the sun that is better or more fulfilling than a relationship with him.  How precious these hard times have been... how precious is it to have a Savior that truly listens and shares in your hurts with you.  A Savior who loves your through the doubt and anger and who knew even before you were born what would be in my life.  How Sweet it is to be loved by you, Sweet Jesus.  

I am learning a lot about the Lords love right now... his grace, and most of all, how the Lord is not legalistic with his love, grace, or goodness.  The more I learn, the more I want to know... the more I see his grace in mine, and my sweet friends lives, the more convinced I am of his promise and his right to the trust that he asks of us.  This year has been a year of trust, which at many times I was terrible at.  Constantly asking the Lord is he is sure?  If he really thinks this is the right thing for my life... maybe I heard wrong.  Maybe I am just being silly, or inconsiderate, or selfish.... which I am MANY of those things MUCH of the time... but the Lord has had such patient reassurance in what He has told me.  He is showing me a lot about Trust, and how different His Trust is from what we could possibly know as Human beings.  He is not a God who disappoints but a God who knows what is best for us... through grief, anger, hurt, good times, bad times... he longs to be with us.... to share in our sufferings, to give us joy even though we have done NOTHING to deserve it.  This has been another big thing for me this year... the undeserving grace that he so lavishly pours onto us.  That is a hard concept, and I think it is something for someone who can be as judgmental as I am to accept.  I more tend to lean on the legalistic side, so the teaching of this concept has been a hard thing to learn, and I believe He is still not done teaching me... but He has shown me a lot in this area as well and I am thankful.  

So, in a way, this is a huge milestone for me.  A realization of sorts that although has been a year in the making, today, has hit me over the head with such force that it is hard to deny.  

Thank you sweet Jesus for this year of hardship and learning and grace and goodness.  You are good and far better than I can possibly comprehend.

Thank you sweet friends for listening this year, for sitting with me while I have cried and allowed me to sob in disbelief of where the Lord was taking me.  For listening to me gripe, rejoice and everything in between.  Thank you to my girls from church, for allowing me to feel like a family... for seeing Christ's beauty and grace in my hurting and helping me to see His grace and hand in all of it.   I have developed some amazing friendships this past year, and where I know it is normal to do this when it is new years, I felt today was the day for this post.

You know how some things just stir your affections for the Lord?  One of the things that stirs my affections for the Lord is music.  Everything about it, the melodies, the lyrics the voice that carries the tune...oh, I just love it!  One song in particular today has really made me think and rejoice, so below I have put the lyrics.  I hope you can enjoy it as much as I have today!

Arithmetic by Brooke Fraser

I've been staring at the sky tonight, marveling in passing time.  wondering what to do with daylight until I can make you mine.  You are the one I want, you are the one I want.

I've been thinking of changing my mind, it never stays the same for long, but of all the things that I know for sure you are the only certain one.  you are the one I want, you are the one I want.  I've been counting up all my wrongs, one sorry for each stop, see id apologize my way to you if the heavens stretched that far.  because you are the one i want, you are the one i want.  

i wont find what i am looking for if i see by keeping score because i know now you are so much more than arithmetic. because if i add, if i subtract, if i give it all and start to take some back i have forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact that you are the son.  so you are the one i want.  when the years are showing on my face and my strongest days are gone and when my heart and flesh depart this place from a life that has sung your song.  you'll still the be one i want, you'll still be the one i want.... you'll still be the one I want!  

Update on Life in Pictures!

My best friends and loves: Elise and Robin!
My other best friend, Ryan!  
Another one of my loves, Audrey!  She is my cousins little girl, and is the CUTEST thing ever!
My new puppy, Penelope, who keeps me company in my new apartment!
Cheer Camp 2008!  Freshman won the Spirit Stick!  WOOO HOOO!
We won some ribbons!  Way to go girls!
They crack me up... I love them!
End of Day 2....tired.
Haley hurt her ankle tumbling, so we documented the event!  Love her!
Me and the other cheer sponsors!
Some of my girls...
Some more....
And more.... ;)
Bjer came for a visit!  I LOVE HIM!  He loves me too...can you tell! he he :)
more to come....didn't want to overwhelm you though! 

Been gone Awhile...

But, im still here.  I know it has been awhile.  I don't know what it has been, I mean I have been super busy with school ending, and going to cheer camp (pictures to come) but all in all, I have just had a lot on my heart and mind that I really did not know if I wanted to post or not.  

Here are the latest updates, and I will post some pics soon, as well as probably my usual more serious type of post. ;)  

1.  I survived Cheer camp.  There were a few mishaps, but hey! what is any camp without a girl trying to sneak out, or a bus running into another bus!?  Don't worry... I will dedicate a whole post to cheer camp.  bahaha.

2.  I am really excited about teaching at Arlington.  I have a lot of reading to do, but, I am soo excited about the curriculum as well as the teachers i am working with!

3.  I move into my very own apartment next weekend.  Scary and Cool at the very same time.  I am becoming an adult!  ;)

4.  I got a puppy!  I adopted her...her name is Penelope.  She is a King Charles Spaniel, and is ohhh so cute!! She looks like Lady, from Lady and the Tramp!  Sooooo Sweet!  She just lovess to lay with you and chew on bones!  she is 9 months old, and I already love her!

5.  The Lord is showing me a lot.  He never ceases to amaze me.  He is showing me a lot about love and contentment in Him.  I don't know if I am fully there (in a sense, I wonder if we will ever be FULLY there until we die...) but I really believe I am seeing what contentment in Him and Him alone looks like.  It is showing up in my descions, as well as patience.  If you are reading this and are very close to me, and haven't seen a change in my patience....well, at least I am trying to work on it!  I think there is a change...but who knows!

6.  I will have the rest of my alternative certification the rest of July, sooo July is going to busy!  

Well, that is about it with the updates.  Love you all, pictures to come.  

Roots

You know, so often I think that we get away from the fact that the Lord has put us here for HIS GLORY and HIS RENOWN, not our own.  I mean, this could possibly be just me, and that is just fine, but I am thinking that this may be something that all of us, as believers, deal with from time to time.  (I tend to deal with this more times than not!)  The Lord is so gracious to point this out to me though.  

This week has been a toughie for me...not sure why, other than I was not daily confessing where I was and, yet again, NOT TRUSTING the Lord with my present, past and future.  When I am not in a constant confession with the Lord, I am also usually not being obedient to where the Lord wants me.  I fight within myself to be this perfect little person and have everything right, before I feel like I can bring it before him.  This is some mixed up thinking that I have.... if you are reading this and you are not a believer, I would like to note that I this confession thing is not something to be looked at as a legalistic practice.  But, something that I am grateful for, because through mistakes and other sin issues that the Lord shows me, he allows his grace to cover.  For me, it is easy for me to begin the thinking of I have to do everything perfect before I can bring it before the Lord.  This is such wrong thinking.....and something I have been dealing with this week.  I have been processing a lot this week, which I do think is also from the Lord...but I still was not obedient this week in the way I was doing things.  I was looking to myself instead of the Lord and doing things to convey to myself that I was perhaps "in control" of my surrounding as well as everything that might happen in the future.  

Here lately the Lord has really been bringing me back to the passage in Jeremiah about being planted by the water....

"Thus says the Lord: Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes his flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord.  He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not seen any good to come.  He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land.  Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose TRUST IS THE LORD.  He like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.  The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick, who can understand it?"

Jeremiah 17:5-9

So, this may seem really silly, but I have been kind of in awe of trees lately.  I know...this may sound crazy; but hear me out.  Look at the biggest trees you can find.  They are strong, but not immune to decay.  They are usually thick in the trunk and a beautiful shade of green at the top when healthy.  When unhealthy, there can be branches that are dead, lifeless.  They must be cut off from the tree, because they are of no use.  I just think that this illustration in the Bible is a good way to look at our lives.  Are our roots founded in the land, or for us the Word of Life, and are we planted by the water?  What kind of tree would we look like, when we compare ourselves to the passage above?  

Another passage that I was actually looking at this morning, and was pointed to through my step-study at church was Hebrews 12:5-17:

"And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?  My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him.  For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son who whom he receives.  It is for discipline that you have to endure.  GOD IS TREATING YOU AS SONS.  For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?  If you are left without discipline in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and sons.  Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them.  Shall we not much more be subject to the Father or Spirits and live?  For they disciplines us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness.  For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.  Therefore, lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put to out of joint but rather be healed.  Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.  See to it that one one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no "root of bitterness" springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal.  For you know that afterward, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears."

So many times I think we look at discipline with a negative connotation, instead of looking at it as something will refine us and something that is done out of love.  I am challenged, encouraged and uplifted by this passage, because it makes me look at discipline in a way that I do not always think about it....

Just some things the Lord is really making me think on, and I wanted to share ;)  I love you all....

I GOT THE JOB!!!!

 I am now an Arlington Colt!! WOOO HOOO!! I will be teaching English II (Sophomore Level) and I will be the Freshman Cheer Sponsor!! Hootie, Hootie, Hoo!! I AM SOOO EXCITED!! 

Thank you all for praying so much!! I cannot think of anything more perfect!  I am pumped about what the Lord is about to do and is doing!! Praise the Lord for his grace, provision and letting me plan a little bit ;)  YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! he he :)

Love you guys SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!

Prayer Please... :)

I know I said I would post pictures next time... and I PROMISE to next time, but I have a favor to ask ;) Will you please be praying for me today, especially around the time of 3:30? I have an interview with Arlington High School to be one of the English teachers and the Freshman Cheerleading Sponsor. Not only would this be an amazing school to teach at...it has a lot of tradition and support for teachers as well as students, BUT I would get to pour into young girls!! Plus...let's just be honest.... I LOVE to be peppy, so it would just be perfect!!! :)

So, if you see this, please pray for me at 3:30 pm today. Pray that I answer the questions in the way that really shows that I have knowledge of what I am speaking of, as well as the fact that I am passionate about teaching and learning!! :)

Love you all!! THANK YOU!

The heaviness of the heart...

One thing that I seem to be running into a lot is the constant ups and downs of my emotions.  

DON'T WORRY!!! I have not become some freako (freako, did I just make up a word? I think I did...ha) in the past 24 hours... or crazier than I already was for that matter, but let me explain.  The Lord is doing so much in my life right now.  Even in the past couple of weeks he has been crazy gracious, the word I used to describe him this morning in my small group, to me with things I don't deserve.  The whole lonliness part of everything seems to still be creeping in though.  This frustrates me....but I also can see that this is probably going to part of the whole "everyone is graduating, moving on and moving away" phase of my life.  I have kind of sat still in a sense when it comes to me graduating.  I graduated a semester early from many of my friends, and I am glad I did this, but I have drug my feet when it has come to getting involved or getting out of the whole DBU scene.  I don't know to really explain what I am feeling... I feel a lot of my emotions (the sadness that comes on out of nowhere) has a lot to do with the fact that I only half way faced graduation.  Yes, I graduated, but my friends were still just down the road.  I was still going to my homegroup at the school...now, my friends are graduating and about to move on.  I will soon find out where my job is going to be and move on as well.  I have this bad tendency to want to hold on to the past.  I want to relive all the good things over and over again, but by doing this I hinder the present as well as the future.  Where this can be good, in the way of memories, it is bad when it starts to hinder you from doing what you need to be doing in the moment ya know?  I don't know guys...I think I just have a lot on my mind at the moment and this is one of those things.  This is something that I am still working out in mind as well as my heart, so thank you for listening to my thinking aloud.  I am sure I will come back to it at some point! :)

Today was the last meeting of my small group for my step-step study.  It is bittersweet.  I have grown to love these girls so much, and their encouragement has been soooo appreciated and needed in my life.  We are still going to meet at least once a month, which I am BEYOND excited about!  There is so much I have learned from going through the Recovery Process at The Village, and I hope to still be involved and really apply these principles as well as really try to keep my hands open so that the Lord can constantly break down my walls of pride and idolatry so that I may keep seeing this growth that I am seeing right now.  As I have gone through this process there has been sooo much that the Lord has brought me out of, and is still continuing to break down in me and use for his glory.  I have seen soo much of his grace and kindness towards me.  I have also seen that he is just and forgiving.  There are three main words that I have been focusing on as I have been going through this process.

My three main words that I am focussing on here lately, that seem to be the montra for my life are: Trust, Steadfast and Faith.

Trust-a firm belief or confidence in the honesty, integrity, reliability, justice, ect. of another person or thing; faith; confident expectation, anticipation, or hope (to have trust in the future); keeping, care, custody; something entrusted to one....

This is from Websters Dictionary... a couple of many definitions. Trust is my main word I am focussing on right now. The Lord is trustworthy ya know... so why do I not trust him all of time? I like where the definition says... something entrusted to one... or in our case ONE!

Steadfast- firm, fixed, settled or established; not changing, fickle, or wavering, constant.

Not only do I want to stay steadfast with my recovery (step study I am doing with the church and implementing these practices into my life), I also want to stay steadfast with my descions and knowledge/discernment that the Lord has given me, as well as just know that the Lord is steadfast ya know.

Faith- unquestioning belief that does not require proof or evidence; COMPLETE confidence, trust, or reliance.

That is pretty much self-explanatory.

All this to say that my heart is heavy today, but in a good way.  When I think of heaviness many times I think of it in a negative way, but I think heaviness can also be a good thing.  It is a sign we are processing things in our hearts and that the Lord is doing a work.... or that is what I believe.  I am so thankful for my recovery process and will probably eventually post my testimony on here.  But, until then, I just want to speak from the overflow of my heart that he is gracious, loving, kind and is way more generous than he should probably be.  I long to be thankful in this stage of my life that I am currently in, and will continue to strive towards that goal.

I love you guys, Thanks for listening!!

AND DONT WORRY, i know you are probably getting tired of my wordiness, so the next post will be PICTURES!  WOOO!  I LOVE YOU GUYS!