My Prayer

I will run, I cannot walk.
I will sing when there is no song.
I will pray when there is no prayer.
I will listen when I cannot hear.

Sitting in the waiting room of silence.
Waiting for that still soft voice I know.
Offering my words up to the rooftops of your house,
hoping that this closet's where you are.

Lord, I know if you change my mind, you will change my heart in time.
Soveriegn Lord, this time is from you, so I sit in the waiting room of silence.. because it is all about you.

(some of the Shane Barnard Song from Psalms)

This is my prayer right now... and sums up how I am feeling! more to come later...

Heavy-hearted

Tonight I have a very full mind. I know we all do this.. you get all excited about getting into bed and laying your head on the pillow, only to find out when you crawl into bed you are restless and it is going to be a long night! Today was a great day... I needed a great day, and the Lord gave it to me! But sometimes nights get hard. I start thinking, and then I tend to focus on myself more than Christ and his perfect plan. Some things today were just made very clear to me, which is great, but sometimes this makes things hard. No one ever said things wouldn't be hard from time to time though. One thing I have learned through my situation is that God is so good. He is so good about so many things... he picks you up and holds you near when he knows you need it. He also allows you time to grow.. and sometimes lets you get to the point where your heart is overflowing, and you don't think you can take anymore, and lets you get a little bit past that.. and then comes to your rescue. The Lord is sufficient. I know I have yet to see what that really means, and although this time in my life has been hard, it is yet to be anything like something that is life-threatning. But, I have learned a lot of lessons through it. I have learned what it is to rely on God, and it is a whole different level of trust than I have ever been accustomed to. I am not good at it yet, but the Lord is teaching me everyday. He is slowly... or I am SLOW TO LEARN to take it day by day.

Today I came upon this verse, and I found it really encouraging.

Therefore the Lord wants to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.
Isaiah 30:18

I honestly have no idea what the Lord has planned for my life. I know that HE has a plan though. It is really encouraging to know that he has had a plan for my life even before I was born. I am thankful that there is a plan.... even though I do not know what it is.

I got a new digital camera this past weekend, so I think I am going to play around with it tomorrow... so pictures to come!!! I love you all very much, thank you for listening...

Houston Trip.. and My VeRy FIrsT Concert!!

pretty sure I'm in love!! ha ha LIFEHOUSE

GOO GOO DOLLS

Me and AM DANCIN!

Thumbs up for my first concert!

Trying to be pretty!! colbie!! yah! She was great!

So this weekend (labor day weekend) me and one of my best friend's AMBER decided to take a trip to see my parentals in Spring, Texas. (Spring is located right outside Houston and the Woodlands) Come to find out.. Amber's parents were moving to Houston from Arizona this weekend!! We were excited because we knew we would see them as well! What was even more exciting was to find out they live about two streets over from my parents in the SAME neighborhood!! Such a small world!! :)

On the way down to Houston we HAD QUITE a trip. First off... we were hungry. So we decided to stop at a Subway by school on the way. ummm... walked in, waited in line, only to see that there was mold in the cheese and the meat looked not so fresh. So we decided to stop at a different Subway on the way. This particular Subway was not in a good part of town, and needless to say it took a really long time... and it was scary!! (I get scared easily, but it really was scary!!) Then, I was being a bit anxious, and in turn was not paying attention to how much gas we needed, and even though I heard Skittle (my car) beep that it needed more gas, I somehow ignored it. So we BARELY made it to the gas station. Then after pulling out of the gas station, we got pulled over. Evidently, one of my headlights was out. Then we started going to wrong way down 45... my fault... but don't worry, we finally made it here!! I WAS SO READY TO BE OUT OF THE CAR!! :)

Tonight we went to my FIRST EVER CONCERT! It was the Goo Goo Dolls (headlining) and it was so much fun!! I was in such a need of a fun girls night out, and this was PERFECT!! (Thank you Hai!!) Me and Amber had so much fun and we got to see Colbie Calliat, one of my new favorite singers! Yah!! Here are some pictures of our fun night!! :)

Fragile

Fragile. I think this one word would sum up what I am feeling like right now. I feel like I am glass egg that is slowly and steadly being thrown back and forth between people, hoping that no one will drop me in the process. Yes, this is probably a "different" example, but this is how I feel. This year has been nothing short of a doozy. I have learned a lot of lessons through all the different relationships with people, and of course, I am still learning. I am a very sensitive person. I do not take pride in this fact, other than, it does come in handy if someone is hurting because I can usually pick up on it and be there for that person. On the other hand, however, it is quite exhausting because I take things WAY too seriously, and when others react in a manner that I would never act like (which hurts my feelings because I feel like they do not care) I am HYPERSENSITVE. Today has been a day in which I would catagorize as HARD.
I have panic attacks from time to time. They have gotten SOOO much better, but in the past few days they have come back. Not the full-fledged panic attacks, but the anxiety is there. I hate them... my palms get sweaty, I start to tingle, and WORST of all, I feel like I am going to throw up. (and if you know me at all, you know this is my worst fear) It makes me feel as though I am doing something wrong... I have this warped sense that someone is always mad at me. Why? I have yet to figure that out. I am always worried about it though. Today I have been in a constant state of prayer... trying to figure out why I am having so much anxiety right now.
I have yet to find the answer, but one thing I have noticed is I focus way to much on MYSELF, and not enough on THE LORD. I focus on how I am so sad about this or that, instead of TRUSTING that the Lord has a plan. He is not going to leave me hanging. Faith and Trust in Him is not quickly followed with the Lord forgetting about me, but is quite the contrary. He remembers us always, and have an ultimate plan that is WONDERFULLY made just for me!! That is good to know. It is also hard to remember on the hard days.. but I will keep reminding myself of these things. And the days will get better, I may just be having one hard day amongst several future WONDERFUL days.

I will leave you with a few verses...

And without faith it is impossible to please God, becasue anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir to the righteousness that comes by faith. By faith Abrham, when called to go to a place he would later recieve as an inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.

Hebrews 11:6-8

I am reminded by these verses that during difficult times there will not always be a clear vision of what the future will be. But it is important to Trust and Believe that the Lord has a plan for your life, and would not tell you to do something, or lead you a certain way, without first knowing the way he is sending you.

Love you guys oh so much.... More than ya'll know!! Have a good night :)

Married Life...

As I sit here, on a break from my mini-term, I am in a contemplative state. Why is it that women long to married so bad? Why is that we think that it will magically save us from all the problems we have had before? Maybe none of you know what I am talking about, but some of us do know what I am talking about. Shoot, I have definitely faced that.

Is the reason that we are so enthralled with the idea of being married because we have seen the Amazing Prince's in the old Disney Movies rescue the princess and they live happily ever after? Why is it that we always try to find someone to blame (for instance, Mr. Disney himself) for what we do not understand, choose not to come to grips with, or something that we do not have. I am in the middle of about three books right now, and this question sure does come up a lot, and with my present situation I think about this a lot. The book "Boy Meets Girl" is about courtship, and conducting oneself in a manner that is glorifying to God. (This is an amazing book by the way.) And it is great to read, but yesterday I just got in this state of perpetual sadness. I mean I was down... and constantly throughout the day the Lord was like "Ashley, TRUST ME!!". Continually, however, I would get back into the pit of my despair! How sad is that... I mean the Lord is CONTINUALLY good, and I know he has a plan, yet I continue to wallow in, well I am not even sure what you would call my state of mind.

Yesterday, during a lunch break from my Mini, I went to my favorite spot, the local Starbucks, and spent time with the Lord. God is good because I was having a hard time, and in walks one of my best friends Lesile! Lesile is by far one of the most wise women I have met. She always has a word of encouragement, and is just an encouragement in the Lord!! I really believe that the Lord brought her to Starbucks to encourage me! (And of coarse to get some great coffee :)) We spoke about what a girls heart wants, and how easy it is to get entangled in the wants and desires of the world. (I know this may sound very preachy, but it is so true.) Especially if you go to the school that I do. If you are not married by the age of 21 at my school, consider yourself a spinster. (Which, in all reality, is very far from the truth.) Lesile gave me the piece of advice to make all my requests known to God, and get to a point of constant reliance on the Lord. Even though I have heard this so many times, it was really good to hear.

The Lord is molding me, and making me into what he wants to be. He will bring a long the "married life" when he finds it fit for me to be married. There is no need to rush God's plan, because I will miss out on the BLESSING that his the journey through his plan. :)

Yah for Jesus! I love you all so much, have a great day!

These are a few of my favorite things...

1. JESUS and his sweet Grace and LOVe!!
2. My family
3. Books that I find interesting, or that I can learn something from! (and yes, I LOVE Harry Potter Books!!)
4. Fashion: and when I say fashion, I mean from head to toe: the bag, the shoes, the scarves, ect.
5. Snow Caps
6. Old music!! (from the 40s and 50s)
7. My CoMFy bed!!
8. Down comforters
9. A child's heart and innocence :)
10. Children's books
11. Babies.... okay, I am starting to sound like a stalker of children, but I am not I promise!!
12. Starbucks
13. The Bagel Shop I like to go to :)
14. My pink comfy blanket and pillow
15. Hot New Guy (my monkey I sleep with- yes, I know I am 21 and have a stuffed animal)
16. Running
17. Nike Watches
18. Sweet Friends that I have been blessed with!
19. Spending sweet time with the Lord, and having days in which he shows me sooo much!
20. Playing at the Lake!!
21. Shopping
22. Anthropology
23. In Style Magazine
24. Bare Essuntials Makeup- ITS AMAZING!
25. UGGS.... I mean I loooooovveee these things!!!!!!!!!!
26. Skittle... my lime green bug!!
27. My relationships with my family members :)
28. Barnes and Noble!!

Okay... I am getting bored, and I am sure you are too!! he he, love you all!

Lonliness... It SUCKS!! :)

Lonliness. It is such a funny thing. It can strike at any moment, and it always comes at the most inoppurtune moment. In fact, if I never had to feel lonliness, I would probably be very grateful!! :) But then again, who knows. I am just definilty not liking this lonliness thing, but I also know that character is built when going through hard "storms" in life. I have noticed myself trying to think of things that will make myself feel better.. for instance, perhaps cutting my hair short to go along with my new stage in life. However, then I realize, that would be a GRAVE MISTAKE because I LOVE my hair long, and cry everytime I cut it!! :) Then I try to use what every girl, well maybe not every girl, but many that run in my circle like to do.............. shop! Oh, yes. Shop. At times, I feel as though this should be my calling in life. I could go to Northpark all day, shop and eat at the little eateries around the mall, and be perfectly content. (Or so I think.) But then, I get convicted for shopping with money I do not have. I have come to a conclusion. The Lord is the only thing that can fill my Lonliness. Yes, I know this may be a very simple concept, but I am still learning. :)