I will be 25 this month. I have always been a planner. Not the kind of planner that just writes in her planner every now and again. Nope. I am the girl that not only writes in her planner, but color-codes it, and also likes to know months and sometimes even a year in advance of what is going to happen-- sometimes I think that is to protect myself and my heart. When something happens to a plan that I have had in place, I tend to get a little rattled. Especially when it is a deep-seeded, in my heart, really think it is going to happen plan. I am at a crossroads in a sense with that right now. Something has happened that I did not plan for and has completely shaken the whole "plan" I had in my head of what was to happen and what was to be, and even what I thought the Lord had for me. Things have been shaken in my life and "plans" that I had for my life and what was going on have drastically changed.
What do you do when your plans change? Are you one who doesn't really mind that, and just kind of goes with the flow? See, I am not like that. In the particular situation I am in, I can honestly say I have had to fight every fiber of my being not to do things that would cause my heart pain in the end by me trying to control the situation. You see, today though, I realized I was still trying to control some part of the plan I thought was to be in place. Today, I realized I have not given my "plan" to God. Instead, I have clung onto it for dear life in fear that if I let go of this plan, let go of this dream if you will, then it will not come back around. That it will not come to fruition and that I will look like a stupid and silly girl. once again. in that, I realized that there lies the problem. I may have given a lot of what is going on over to God, and He has given me peace through a lot of my situation I am in right now, but there is still this part of me that is trying to control it. Maybe not an outward part of me that is physically doing something, but rather my heart...by its hurt I am clinging on to this fear, and in that fear I have thought that if I just cling to this plan that somehow, that will make it okay. That eventually, if I hang on to this plan, maybe I won't be wrong. Maybe, just maybe, something will happen. That is very wrong thinking. And I realized that today. I have to give my WHOLE heart to God, and with that that means every single "plan" I have for the future and what I have and want for myself. The Lord knows my desires, so surely He knows I have this magical "plan" for myself. So far, every plan, especially relationship wise have yet to work out for me. I watch my friends and family members whom are married. Some of babies now. Some of are trying for babies, and some are just in the "thinking about babies" stage. I watch how in love they are. I watch how they get to dream and plan together. How they get to rely on each other and support each other. I watch how they get to grow together...and I think I get a little jealous. I wonder, why can't that happen to me? Lord, why do I have to feel like that stupid, silly girl/friend that just hopes for that?
Today I called my daddy. He knows me better than most people. It is almost annoying. He literally can predict my movements and it absolutely makes me mad. He gives me his opinions that also tend to make me mad, because he does not really sugar-coat anything. Rather he gives it straight to me. What I have to come to learn is there are times when he is wrong. He is not always right, but most times, more than not, he is right, especially when it comes to what I might be doing in a situation. Today I called him very upset. In his tender, yet tough voice he asked me why I was so upset. I went on to tell him. After talking and crying on the phone to him, he went on to tell me that, "Ash, what are you so scared of? What are you holding on to? What is wrong with you being wrong? Why do you always have a plan? You clearly aren't trusting God with yourself and you are holding on to this plan you have for yourself for dear life? What is that helping? Who is that helping? That is clearly not helping you, but rather destroying you a little bit every day. Let go of the plan. Ash, if you keep getting in the way, if you keep holding on to this idea of what might happen, or what could of happened, you are going to have a hard time getting on with your life and letting what is supposed to happen happen. Has God ever hurt you? He is not about to start. He has you, Ash, He has you." This was a pretty big conversation for my dad and I. We spoke for a long time about this. We talked about my feelings and what I feel like the Lord has been telling me, and then the dreaded subject...this plan I have had for myself. He gave me some hard truths because he loved me today. I cannot always take what he says as complete and utter truth because he is human, just like everyone else, but today he helped me.
I had a plan. it is not the plan anymore. even if no one else knew this plan, I had it in my mind, and the Lord knows my heart, thus He knew what I had planned for my life. I don't think there is a problem with having a plan...it is just when you aren't flexible with those plans that it starts to be (and is) very harmful to yourself. If I truly believe His promises, if I truly believe everything my Lord and God is telling me during this time of sadness for my heart, and this time of really, really having to trust Him above everything else. Then I have to let this plan die. I have to believe that the Lord is good. That He is gracious. That He will not take me somewhere I am not supposed to be, but rather He will lead me right to where He wants me and it will all be for my good. I cannot throw this pity-party for myself where I feel sad and call myself a stupid girl and think that this is somehow going to help me. That isn't believing God. That is prideful Ash feeling bad for herself because her "plan' and what she wanted did not work out this time. That is not giving into the peace that the Lord has given me that passes all understanding...that is me taking 12 giant steps back and choosing to live in the fear of what could be, or what this place I am in means.
All I have heard in the last month has been certain phrases over and over and over again. It has ALL been Jesus. Faith. Hope. Wait. Waiting. Wait. Faith. Believe. Belief. Faith. Hope. Wait. Wait patiently. The woman must wait. Wait. Wait patiently, I have a plan for your life. God has not forgotten he has engraved your name upon his hands. Hope. Believe in MY promises. Believe Me. Have Faith. Wait, Ash. Wait. Wait paitently. Do not lose heart. Have faith in what I have told you. Have faith in WHO I AM.....over and over and over and over again. As I am typing this, it is almost just silly that I have moments of disbelief or loss of hope. To write everything that I feel like the Lord has shown me and that He has shown me would take a wayyy longer blog post then what you want to read, or probably I want to type.
A few things though I do want to share. Tonight I went to a live recording of a worship CD at the Oaks Church. This is the church that Bethany Dillon and Shane and Shane go to and help lead at. Tonight was much needed. Almost every single verse that they had that flashed up were verses the Lord has given me over the last month. Not even joking...gotta love when the Lord does that. I truly believe with all my heart there are no coincidences, especially when you are walking through a time of trial and perhaps hurt. Tonight they talked about fear. They talked about healing. Then they talked about God delivered them and healed them in the sense of that he healed the fear in their hearts and gave them a peace that passes all understanding. They also talked about after trusting God and after He gave them this peace, that He also healed their hurts. We sang that God is good. We sang that there is only one word that can save us...Jesus. Tonight was needed, especially after this afternoon, because the thing is, I am holding on to this fear. As much as God has been soooo gracious to me during a hard time I am going through right now, I have not allowed that peace to absolutely flood me because I am so fearful of letting go of this plan. Of looking silly to others. Of feeling silly and being sad and letting go of this "idea" I have and want so badly. But, what I realized today is I can still have hope and believe in what the Lord has told me, but I must be open to what the Lord has for me. I can still have and trust in what I think my sweet and loving Jesus is telling me without having a plan. My plans have obviously not worked up until now, so why start thinking they will work now?
Some things I have read and have stuck with me in the past month-
"I know that waiting on God requires willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts. It is easy to talk oneself into a decision that has no permanence- easier sometimes than to wait patiently."
Truly my heart waits silently for God;
my deliverance comes from Him.
In truth he is my rock and deliverance,
my tower of strength, so that I stand unshaken....
Trust always in God, my people,
pour out your hearts behome him;
God is our shelter.
Waiting silently is the hardest of all. - Elisabeth Elliot, "Passion and Purity"
No good thing does the Lord withhold from those who walk uprightly. Psalm 84:11
Therefore brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, bu the new and living way he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God Let us draw near with a true heart and full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering for he who promised IS faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together as is the habit of some, but encouraging one anotehr and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. Hebrews 10:19-25
Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the Olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, and I Will take joy in the God of my salvation. Habakkuk 3:17-18
Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage, wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14
Blessed be the Lord! for he has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy. The Lord is my strength, and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped and my heart exults, with my song and I give thanks to him. Psalm 28:6-7
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing us for eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen, but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
"What we have known of our faithful God proves that He will keep us to the end. Let us not, then, reason to the contrary to evidence. How can we ever be so ungenerous as to doubt our God? Lord, throw down the Jezebel of our unbelief and let the dogs devour it." Charles Spurgeon
"God is very good to those who trust in Him, and He often surprises them with unlooked-for blessings. Little do we know what may happen ut us tomorrow, but this sweet fact may encourage us: not good thing will be withheld from us. (Psalm 84:11) Chance is banished from the faith of Christians, for they see the hand of God in everything. The trivial events of today and tomorrow may involve consequences of the highest importance. O Lord, you graciously deal with your servants as you did with Ruth." Spurgeon
And from my beloved Beth Moore, and believing God. This is a creed that she asks us to adopt while reading and praying through her book and study-
God is who He says He is.
God can do what He says He can do.
I am who God says I am.
I can do all things through Christ.
God's word is alive and active in me.
And lastly,
"I am who I am" Exodus 3:14
Who am I to question God? Who am I to have a plan and think it is better than what He is choosing to allow me to go through right now? The most obvious answer to that question is I am not God and I do not know what is best for me, and to truly believe that I must let go of my plan. Oh, growth...it hurts, but it is for our good and will ultimately deliver better results than I could have hoped for. I must trust in that. I must trust in Jesus and what He has told me...but most of all, I must trust in WHO HE IS. Not in a stupid plan I thought I had for myself and thought would work out. Many are the plans of a man's heart, but the Lord's purpose will prevail. I pray that this is not something that I just blog about, but rather, I walk in and believe and pray from here on out.
Amen. Thanks for listening.
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