There are things that I am never going to pretend to know. Why things happen the way they do, or why circumstances sometimes dictate what emotion you may have at that given moment even though you know in your heart otherwise. However, I am the personality type that does try to find out. To dig deeper, to figure out why. At times, I think this is one of the worst possible things for me. You see, I try to get ahead of the Lord in this, I guess. It is frustrating, annoying and extremely unnerving at times. Why, do I choose to want answers to questions that are beyond my knowledge or understanding? Why do I fight peace?
I do not know if you have ever been in this situation, but for me, I am starting to learn the major need in trusting in Jesus. Not just saying I trust in Jesus, but when it is being tested, actually trust, wholeheartedly in Jesus. I feel like in a sense when I am trying so hard that I am also just trying to find my own outcomes, find my own solution so that I could be better. Which in turn, is just me trying to fix myself. Ummm, I don't know if you have ever done that, but that does not exactly work. :) Good for us, we have Jesus.
I don't really have much to say tonight, other than I cannot sleep, and this is on my mind. How gracious is my sweet Father that he deals with me, and loves me and actually does not think of it as "dealing" with me, but rather loves me. He even brings so many examples of his loving kindness and what he is trying to teach me, into my life daily. Today, I was almost frustrated at how much I felt the Lord was trying to show me, yet I was constantly questioning the Lord...trying to figure it out. By this point, if you read my blog, you know I am a teacher. It has been one of the best things I have ever done. I cannot explain to you the rush I get when I teach or how often the Lord allows me to feel like I am exactly where he wants me, and where he has planned for me to be all along. That in itself is such a blessing. My babies at school have a lot of stuff going on. I mean you have a regular teenager, but then add a bit of poverty and things such as gang affiliation, drugs, no parent interaction, etc, and you have got yourself a little teenage breakdown cocktail just waiting to be mixed. One of my kids today came in crying...balling, beside herself. Through a series of events something has happened to one of her family members and he is currently in a very hard situation. Regardless of how her family member got there, she loves that member of her family. She cares for them. She desires the best for them. She is protective of them. Today, someone said something discouraging to her that rocked her to the core. She came in beside herself, and I had the opportunity to speak with her about it. There are many times the Lord allows me to talk about Him in the classroom. One of them presented itself today. I got to talk about belief, and faith, and hope that does not disappoint. We talked about faith, and what faith was. We talked about believing even when situations come up that are unexpected and uncomfortable. I felt as though, as I was speaking to this young girl, the Lord was speaking right to me saying, "Ashie, trust me. I have a plan. I always have had a plan. This is but a blip of time in your life...trust me in whatever trials you are going through. Believe what I have told you. Believe in who I am, and who I say I am. Believe and trust me. Just trust me." After our talk, that thought kept resonating with me. Right before this, a student had walked into my classroom. She is one of my students from the first year I started teaching. She is a lovely girl, whom I have had the opportunity to get ot know. She has shared much of her life with me, and I get chances to chat with her. She came into today out of no where to tell me something. I automatically assumed that something was wrong because she teared up as she began to speak. She said, "Miss. Kep, I just wanted to come and tell you how much I appreciate you. I was sitting at home this morning and Freedom Writers came on. I thought about you, and your class, and what all I have learned from you and I just wanted to say thank you. You have inspired me." Needless to say, I was taken aback. I do not share this with you to brag...but to tell you how good my God is. In times of uncertainty for me, it is easy to lean towards the edge of insecurity....or rather, jump off the cliff. I tend to stay strong for awhile, really get in the word, but I am fighting off lies like crazy. You know those lies, ladies, the lies of. "You aren't good enough", "no one loves you", "you aren't doing well at anything you are trying", "this is just going to end up bad for you...", and my personal favorite, "you should have known (enter given situation here)...how could you be so dumb". In the midst of those LIES, and let's call them out for what they are...lies, it is easy to believe them. Even if I could rationalize all day that these things are lies straight from the pit of hell, when you start to replay them over and over in your mind, you tend to see them as truth. Today, and not just in these two examples, the Lord not only let me recite truth to people and preach to the choir (that would be me:)) but also had someone come in, whom I care deeply for and want the best for, and tell me I was worth something. I do not doubt that the Lord did that on purpose. And the thing is, he did that for this unbelieving daughter. How gracious is he. For me, grasping that grace is undeserved, and that he doesn't hold things over my head is very hard for me sometimes. It isn't what I preach to others, but it is a struggle for me to accept and live in. Regardless of this, I believe the Lord is starting to work it out. It has the be a potential of hard, tough lessons, but I am hopeful of what the Lord will show me and grow me in. I am hopeful that through whatever situation he gives me, whether through school, cheer, personal, church, etc, he will show me a deeper sense of Him and His character.
Oh, how he loves us even when we are trying to believe but yet fail miserably. I heart Him...and guess what, He hearts us, too.
Love y'all. Thanks for listening.
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