This year has been one that has started out fast and furious and not exactly slowing down for me to take a breather. I know the new year started out in January, but I feel as though December has been part of this long season for me. (Well, really part of the hard season started long before that) My papa is very sick. He is the most amazing man. He loves the Lord, and has been through way more sickness than most people. A little background on my Papa- He had a heart attack when I was 16, and had to have heart surgery to repair what was going on in his heart. I saw him have another heart attack when I went to see him in the ICU and I watched as the nurses and doctors rushed in and shocked his body back into being stable. From there he has had many more heart problems, and many more surgeries. He has been in the hospital more times than I can count on two hands. He has had cancer...in two different places. From there he has more heart problems and had to have a defibrillator put inside him to help regulate his heart. With his heart issues, he also has infasema. With that comes breathing problems and lots of them, which doesn't help the heart issue. All this said, I have watched this man who I have always loved really transform in his walk with Christ. Our Sweet Jesus has been so very good. He really has transformed his heart and brought him back to Him through all this sickness. It's pretty ironic sometimes the way that Christ woos us to Him. It is usually in ways that we can never conceive or begin to plan for ourselves. At least that is the way that it is for me. The Lord is so gracious to us. He is JEALOUS for us! How awesome is that? He loves us that much. He loves us enough that he died one of the most TERRIBLE deaths just to be able to say that we are His and that our sins are forgiven. When I think that way, I wonder why I worry about any outside thing. Afflictions, or whatever you would like to call them, they are conquered by his affections for us. No matter what happens to us...we have Christ. A king who died for us and loves us even when we are disobedient, crazy children. I know our sin grieves Him, but I also tend to think that when we try to make our own plans he may just laugh a bit because, oh, if we only knew what He had planned for our lives.
I am a person who likes to plan. I mean, I have been planning on being a teacher since I was five. As life has progressed, the Lord has graciously allowed me to teach and do something that stirs my affections for him EVERY SINGLE DAY. To get to say that my work is something that draws me towards Christ is something that I am extremely grateful for. He desires to do good. I have had such a hard time accepting that for awhile. I get in this cycle of thinking that it's okay to plan for good things for others, but that will not happen for me. Now, do not hear me preaching any prosperity gospel here. People all over the Bible are killed for what they believe and sometimes do not always see the fruition of what they started, but God is still glorified through that. My point, however, is believing in the fact that the Lord desires to do good. He desires for his renown to be known and for us to know him at a more intimate level. He desires for us to seek Him, and be completely okay if it was just Him and I forever. The Lord has had me in a period of waiting here lately. And by here lately, I mean for awhile. This has been a bit of a harder season, because outside of many things that I have gone through I have constantly seen the Lord's hand in everything that He has me apart of in the past, where as this season I have not really understood why he has me where He does.. This season has been harder because, one- I am not patient, and two- I have trust issues. The Lord has shown me that I have major trust issues with Him. I desire to do things on my own time table instead of His. Even as the Lord has been teaching me this, oh, for at least the past 4 years, I still many times more than not try to control the outcome. Which, news flash to Ash, that is not possible. That only seems to make things worse and cause more pain for me and sometimes others. The Lord is just so cool in how He has been working on and transforming my heart. The people he has brought into my life, that friends that he has me share my life with, and just in general where he has placed me. I have been so upset that I am living so far from everyone and not understanding why the Lord has me where I am...even though I enjoy it most times. (See how I am like a child who doesn't get her way??) I have cried out to the Lord over things that have even happened this year, with my Papa, and my apartment, and even as far as just what my kids have to go through whom I teach at school. Honestly, I have thrown a pity party...and then come to the Lord apologizing for my hearts posture. Every time the Lord has taken me back in and loved on me (and quite frankly never had to take me back in because He always had me). I don't deserve good, or patience from Him, yet he gives it to me...daily. He has taken things, even from almost 4 years ago and healed those areas of my life. He has used those things to reveal other dark places in my heart and show me what I need to work on and what I need to surrender to Him. He has showed me how gracious He is and how he really is Abba. I can crawl up into his lap anytime and tell him my troubles and He will listen. There is also good when I sit and listen to Him. He has taught me a lot about faith, especially in the past four months, and is continuing to teach me. The fact that He does this for me is way beyond my comprehension. The fact that He loves me that much and He has made that known to me is just phenomenal. He is teaching me that in the midst of sadness, or loneliness, or in a time where you do not understand what He is doing, to trust Him. It can be the smallest of trust and He will take it. (Even though I long to trust Him fully with every sector of my life...)
"I know that my redeemer lives."
Job 19:25
"You half think it presumption to say, 'He lives as my Redeemer,' yet remember: if you have a faith that is only the size of a grain of mustard seed, that little faith entitles you to say it. But there is also another word here, indicative of Job's strong confidence: 'I know.' To say, ' I hope so,' or 'I trust so' is easy and there are thousands in the fold of Jesus who hardly get much further. But to reach the essence of consolation, you must say, 'I know.' Ifs, buts and perhapses are sure murderers of peace and comfort. Doubts are dreary things in times of sorrow. Like wasps, they sting the soul! If I have any suspicion that Christ is not mine, then there is a vinegar mingled with the gall of death; but if I know that Jesus lives for me, then darkness is not dark."
"If you come to Him, He will say 'Amen' in your soul; His promise will be true to you. Jesus fulfilled the words of the prophet, 'A bruised reed shall not break' (Isaiah 42:3). O poor, broken, bruised heart, if you come to Him, He will say 'Amen' to you and that will be as true in your soul as in hundreds of cases in years past. Christian is not comforting to you also that there is not a word that has gone out of the Savior's lips that He has ever retracted? The words of Jesus will stand when Heaven and Earth pass away. If you take hold of but half a promise, you find it to be true. Beware of him who Bunyan called "Clip-promise," who destroys much of the comfort of God's Word. He does not doubt the promise, but he clips the edge of it. He suggests that the promise will not be fulfilled, only a part of it. But Jesus said, "yea, and...Amen.' (2 Cor 1:20) in all His offices. He was a Priest to pardon and cleanse once, He is Amen is Priest still. He was King to rule and reign for His people and to defend them with His mighty arm, and He is an Amen King, the same still. He was prophet of old to fortell good things to come, and His lips are sweet and drip with honey still. He is an Amen prophet. He is Amen in every single title that he bears; your Husband, never seeking a divorce; your friend, sticking closer than a brother; your shepherd, with you in death's dark vale. He is your help and your deliverer; your castle and your high tower; the horn of your strength, your confidence, your joy, your all in all, and in everything, your 'yea, and ...Amen."
(Charles Spurgeon)
With all this said, I am excited what the Lord is about to do. I am expectant. Even if things go bad, He is teaching me there is more fullness of Him in that. It is not to say that I will always handle the pain or whatever is going on in the best possible way, but oh, how I long to be completely content in light of His grace and mercy.
Thanks for listening. :) Love you guys...All three of you. ;)
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