Confessions of a tired school teacher...

The following are random facts about myself...

Since I have become a teacher I hate talking on the phone. Well, really, once I get on the phone I am fine...but I hate, hate calling people back. It is a little ridiculous and anti-social. I feel as though I need to work on this but after being around people all day, sometimes I just like a minute to myself.

This bring me to another point...since becoming a teacher, I have become less social in my personal life. For instance, I enjoy living alone. I think I get lonely at times, but then again, I am constantly with people, so sometimes it is nice to just come home and not worry about anyone, ya know? Some may find this weird...but there it is. Since I am around kids all day long and they are constantly needing you (which I am not complaining here...that is one of the draws to teaching for me...I love my babies...) sometimes I just like to be a bit of a loner. I have my set friends and at times, it is just nice to hang out with them and I am completely content with that.

I am not good keeping my room clean. It is always dirty at the foot of my bed. Mainly this is due to the fact that I have clothes that I wash and then never put up. I hang up some clothes and then drape others over my chair. It is like a disease. I have a problem with putting up clothes. I don't mind washing, but I hate folding and putting them up in the right place. The catch is I tend to get super stressed when things are messy. Oh, the web I weave for myself...

I am addicted to watches. I have bought 3 sport watches in the past month and a half. I justify this by the fact that I am a coach.

My T.V. does not work in my den due to it not being hooked up correctly. Because of this I have to watch T.V. in my room. I am too lazy to call Uverse, even though I pay money to them every month and I am not getting to tape my shows because it is not hooked up.

This brings me back to the phone thing...I hate when people don't leave messages. If you call me and I don't answer, please leave a message. There is NO chance of me calling you back unless you are one of my best friends or mom if you do not leave a message. I am soooo bad about that.

I buy too many magazines and then never throw them away. I am borderline hoarder due to the fact that I keep them so much. I threw away about 60 of them around December, and I am getting towards that number again. I am always afraid if I throw something away I will need it. Then I watch the show "Hoarders" on A&E, which scares me, and I decide that it is time to throw things away. :)

Where I am not a procrastinator usually, lately I have been. I procrastinate on things I am afraid I will be bad at. It is something I am trying to work on...

I drink about 4 cups of coffee a day. It is ridiculous, but I get caffeine headaches if I do not. And, let's just face it, coffee is amazing.

For the last confession of the day I would like to address my job. As exhausted as I get throughout the week and as many of the confessions above are due to the kind of job that I have, my confession is... I would not change any of this for anything. If you have kept up with my blog you might say I have been in a bit of a funk in the past couple of months. Things have just not been the best, and I have been a tid bit frustrated. Today was a day in which my kids were showing me some of thier writings because we are doing a unit where they write vignettes and tell me about thier lives. Today, I got to read what they think about themselves. It was one of those perfect days with my students. One of those days where I got to talk to them and joke with them, but also they shared so much with me. It was one of those days where I just felt like I was where I was suppossed to be. The Lord is so gracious in what He has allowed me to do. He lets me be apart of these kids lives and share moments with them. It is something I have always wanted to do, and I get to do it. Even on the most frustrating days, when I am hearing "Miss.Kep" for the 40th time, there is always something redeeming in the day. Even more so than that, everyday the Lord shows me something about grace and His love. It is soo cool how he does that. He woos me in the work that I do. We have such a gracious and loving God. I just can't help but be thankful for where he has me and joyous in how wonderful days are like today.

That is all for now. Thanks for listening. Love you guys!! HAPPY HUMP DAY! :)

Intentional Living

It is raining tonight. It was one of those nights where the weather is totally matching my mood. And of course, I forgot my umbrella at school, so hopefully it will not be raining tomorrow morning.

This semester is my favorite semester with my kids. By this time I have gotten to know each and every one of them pretty well, and so now comes the deeper part of the relationship. I have learned how they react when they are upset or happy or, well many different emotions, and they have finally started feeling comfortable enough to share things with me and to let their guard down. This time of the year is always very bittersweet for me because these babies who I have grown to know and love are telling me deep and important things about their lives and soon they will be out of my class. I remember telling my grandmother last year how much of a bittersweet time this was. I am finally getting to know them, and soon they will be out of my class. We are doing these writings in class right now. They get to do a memoir-like project where they get to talk about their lives. We also are reading a book that has much today with societal norms amongst the poor. It is interesting to watch them read this and then think about their own lives. Not every single one of them is below or on the poverty line, but many are. Many don't really see their parents or really even know who their parents are. They have a love/hate relationship with school. They hate it because they have to do work, they love it because they get to see Teachers and Administrators and Friends that love them. Today was one of those bittersweet days. There was a lot of good that happened and some frustrating things that happened as well. I love them so much, even when they come in and are completely checked out. There is usually always a reason for them being checked out. As a teacher, it is sometimes hard for me to always recognize that. I get frustrated with the kid standing not even 2 inches from my face and wanting to hug me and talk to me about her day (when it has just started...) or the kids that are constantly yelling "Miss. Kep, Miss. Kep, Miss.Kep..." when I am trying to do something else. I get so frustrated in that moment.."Don't they see I am doing something.." I think selfishly, rather then embracing them and trying to live in the moment.

On days like this I get frustrated. Especially when I think over my day and think of what all I was doing and think whether I could have been more loving or more intentional with my sweet kiddos. As I have taken on more responsibilities at work, it is bound to be like this most of the time. My attention will unfortunately be divided. But, more times than not I hope that I am conscious of being intentional with the kiddos. With my English babies when I am supposed to be with my English babies, and with my Cheerleading girls, when I am supposed to be with my Cheerleading girls. There is so much to be distracted by, but there is also so much to do if I am concentrated on the task at hand...whomever I am supposed to be with at that moment.

I think as life gets busier, we all tend to face this. We get bombarded and busy and don't pay attention or catch things that may be super important to others, or even to ourselves. We get bogged down with what we feel we must do at that moment, rather than living in that moment. This is just something I am thinking on. My life as a single person is bound to get much busier eventually. I watch my friends at school with kids and how they have to juggle those things and be present when they are with their kids at home, and then leave that and then try to be fully present when they are with our babies at school. It is just a hard thing, I think, when you get busy and you feel overwhelmed or you have so many things on your plate and you want to be great at all of them. When this happens to me I tend to try to do everything at once, instead of stopping and taking one thing at a time. This is something I need to work on and saw ever so clearly today, and recently.

Tryouts for Cheerleading are this week. I will be very ready for that to be over...but until then I I will try to be patient and present with whomever I am with or speaking with and try not to focus on what I am stressed out about. This second-year teacher is learning...maybe by the time I am in my 20-something year of this I will have learned how to do it well.

Love you guys and hope you are at home and listening to the wonderful rain!

Until Later,

Bruised Reed

Tomorrow starts the first day that I will officially be the head Cheerleading coach for Arlington. To say that I am a bit nervous, might possibly be an understatement.

This year has been one that has started out fast and furious and not exactly slowing down for me to take a breather. I know the new year started out in January, but I feel as though December has been part of this long season for me. (Well, really part of the hard season started long before that) My papa is very sick. He is the most amazing man. He loves the Lord, and has been through way more sickness than most people. A little background on my Papa- He had a heart attack when I was 16, and had to have heart surgery to repair what was going on in his heart. I saw him have another heart attack when I went to see him in the ICU and I watched as the nurses and doctors rushed in and shocked his body back into being stable. From there he has had many more heart problems, and many more surgeries. He has been in the hospital more times than I can count on two hands. He has had cancer...in two different places. From there he has more heart problems and had to have a defibrillator put inside him to help regulate his heart. With his heart issues, he also has infasema. With that comes breathing problems and lots of them, which doesn't help the heart issue. All this said, I have watched this man who I have always loved really transform in his walk with Christ. Our Sweet Jesus has been so very good. He really has transformed his heart and brought him back to Him through all this sickness. It's pretty ironic sometimes the way that Christ woos us to Him. It is usually in ways that we can never conceive or begin to plan for ourselves. At least that is the way that it is for me. The Lord is so gracious to us. He is JEALOUS for us! How awesome is that? He loves us that much. He loves us enough that he died one of the most TERRIBLE deaths just to be able to say that we are His and that our sins are forgiven. When I think that way, I wonder why I worry about any outside thing. Afflictions, or whatever you would like to call them, they are conquered by his affections for us. No matter what happens to us...we have Christ. A king who died for us and loves us even when we are disobedient, crazy children. I know our sin grieves Him, but I also tend to think that when we try to make our own plans he may just laugh a bit because, oh, if we only knew what He had planned for our lives.

I am a person who likes to plan. I mean, I have been planning on being a teacher since I was five. As life has progressed, the Lord has graciously allowed me to teach and do something that stirs my affections for him EVERY SINGLE DAY. To get to say that my work is something that draws me towards Christ is something that I am extremely grateful for. He desires to do good. I have had such a hard time accepting that for awhile. I get in this cycle of thinking that it's okay to plan for good things for others, but that will not happen for me. Now, do not hear me preaching any prosperity gospel here. People all over the Bible are killed for what they believe and sometimes do not always see the fruition of what they started, but God is still glorified through that. My point, however, is believing in the fact that the Lord desires to do good. He desires for his renown to be known and for us to know him at a more intimate level. He desires for us to seek Him, and be completely okay if it was just Him and I forever. The Lord has had me in a period of waiting here lately. And by here lately, I mean for awhile. This has been a bit of a harder season, because outside of many things that I have gone through I have constantly seen the Lord's hand in everything that He has me apart of in the past, where as this season I have not really understood why he has me where He does.. This season has been harder because, one- I am not patient, and two- I have trust issues. The Lord has shown me that I have major trust issues with Him. I desire to do things on my own time table instead of His. Even as the Lord has been teaching me this, oh, for at least the past 4 years, I still many times more than not try to control the outcome. Which, news flash to Ash, that is not possible. That only seems to make things worse and cause more pain for me and sometimes others. The Lord is just so cool in how He has been working on and transforming my heart. The people he has brought into my life, that friends that he has me share my life with, and just in general where he has placed me. I have been so upset that I am living so far from everyone and not understanding why the Lord has me where I am...even though I enjoy it most times. (See how I am like a child who doesn't get her way??) I have cried out to the Lord over things that have even happened this year, with my Papa, and my apartment, and even as far as just what my kids have to go through whom I teach at school. Honestly, I have thrown a pity party...and then come to the Lord apologizing for my hearts posture. Every time the Lord has taken me back in and loved on me (and quite frankly never had to take me back in because He always had me). I don't deserve good, or patience from Him, yet he gives it to me...daily. He has taken things, even from almost 4 years ago and healed those areas of my life. He has used those things to reveal other dark places in my heart and show me what I need to work on and what I need to surrender to Him. He has showed me how gracious He is and how he really is Abba. I can crawl up into his lap anytime and tell him my troubles and He will listen. There is also good when I sit and listen to Him. He has taught me a lot about faith, especially in the past four months, and is continuing to teach me. The fact that He does this for me is way beyond my comprehension. The fact that He loves me that much and He has made that known to me is just phenomenal. He is teaching me that in the midst of sadness, or loneliness, or in a time where you do not understand what He is doing, to trust Him. It can be the smallest of trust and He will take it. (Even though I long to trust Him fully with every sector of my life...)

"I know that my redeemer lives."

Job 19:25

"You half think it presumption to say, 'He lives as my Redeemer,' yet remember: if you have a faith that is only the size of a grain of mustard seed, that little faith entitles you to say it. But there is also another word here, indicative of Job's strong confidence: 'I know.' To say, ' I hope so,' or 'I trust so' is easy and there are thousands in the fold of Jesus who hardly get much further. But to reach the essence of consolation, you must say, 'I know.' Ifs, buts and perhapses are sure murderers of peace and comfort. Doubts are dreary things in times of sorrow. Like wasps, they sting the soul! If I have any suspicion that Christ is not mine, then there is a vinegar mingled with the gall of death; but if I know that Jesus lives for me, then darkness is not dark."

"If you come to Him, He will say 'Amen' in your soul; His promise will be true to you. Jesus fulfilled the words of the prophet, 'A bruised reed shall not break' (Isaiah 42:3). O poor, broken, bruised heart, if you come to Him, He will say 'Amen' to you and that will be as true in your soul as in hundreds of cases in years past. Christian is not comforting to you also that there is not a word that has gone out of the Savior's lips that He has ever retracted? The words of Jesus will stand when Heaven and Earth pass away. If you take hold of but half a promise, you find it to be true. Beware of him who Bunyan called "Clip-promise," who destroys much of the comfort of God's Word. He does not doubt the promise, but he clips the edge of it. He suggests that the promise will not be fulfilled, only a part of it. But Jesus said, "yea, and...Amen.' (2 Cor 1:20) in all His offices. He was a Priest to pardon and cleanse once, He is Amen is Priest still. He was King to rule and reign for His people and to defend them with His mighty arm, and He is an Amen King, the same still. He was prophet of old to fortell good things to come, and His lips are sweet and drip with honey still. He is an Amen prophet. He is Amen in every single title that he bears; your Husband, never seeking a divorce; your friend, sticking closer than a brother; your shepherd, with you in death's dark vale. He is your help and your deliverer; your castle and your high tower; the horn of your strength, your confidence, your joy, your all in all, and in everything, your 'yea, and ...Amen."

(Charles Spurgeon)

With all this said, I am excited what the Lord is about to do. I am expectant. Even if things go bad, He is teaching me there is more fullness of Him in that. It is not to say that I will always handle the pain or whatever is going on in the best possible way, but oh, how I long to be completely content in light of His grace and mercy.

Thanks for listening. :) Love you guys...All three of you. ;)

GET THIS!!!

Ahhh, breath of fresh air my friends.

Three of my favorite songs we sing at the Village are on this Cd-

Healing is in your hands, Our God and How He loves us!

Love you guys!! Hope you are having a WONDERFUL day on this BEAUTIFUL DAY! It is almost Spring...I can feel it!!! ;)

Wait.

Some things I am LOVING in "Passion and Purity"...

"Never pass up an oppurtunity to keep your mouth shut" is a good rule that harmonizes with scripture..."Keep your mouth shut and show your good sense". "...The man who talks too much meets his deserts," and "When men talk too much, sin is never far away; common sense holds its tongue.''

How long must I wait, Lord?

Never mind, child. Trust me.

"When the will of God crosses the will of Man," Addison Leitch said, "Somebody has to die." Life requires countless "little" deaths- occasions when you are given the chance to say no to self and yes to God.

We die in order to live.

What to do with Loneliness-

Be still and know that he is God.

Remember that you are not alone.

Give thanks.

Refuse self-pity.

Accept your loneliness.

offer your loneliness up to God.

Do something for somebody else.

rebellion- if this is the will of God for me now, He doesn't love me.

rejection- If this is the what God is giving me, I won't have any part of it.

faith- God knows exactly what He is doing.

acceptance- He loves me. He plans good things for me. I'll take it.

"Through affairs of the heart God uncovers our true intentions..."

(All of the above is from Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot)

God is teaching me much about waiting. Waiting for what I am not quite sure of right now...but I know He, alone, is able to do much in very mighty ways. My prayer is that he continues to show me to trust Him in uncertain times and be faithful with what he has given me right now. More than anything the Lord keeps bringing out in scriputre the words 'trust' and 'wait'. I am also seeing so much of what the woman's job is, and that is to wait patiently. The Lord will come. The Lord will act mightly and give me the desires of my heart, and if he doesn't give me my desires of my heart, He will mold my desires to be His if I seek after Him. I know now that I must focus on my babies at school and that I am to be faithful and loving in all of my relationships with others. No matter where the Lord has me, or what He has me to do, may I say and know that I am His and His alone and wherever He may have me go, may I say "Yes, Lord."

I would be silly to think that many people follow my blog. I think the idea of blogs are so cool, but then sometimes you feel more like you are talking to yourself...or rather, venting. Nevertheless, I still blog. :)

I feel as though I am always wordy and without pictures. If I was not so technically challenged I would put more pictures on here. But, for now, my writing will have to suffice.

I have a new hero. Not that she has necessarily taken the place of any of the other heroines in my life, but oh, how I already love her. I have picked up the book "Passion and Purity" here lately. You may be thinking...Oh, Ash- another dating book. But, oh how this is so much more. This woman's life is incredible. I am not even done with the book yet, but oh my how I love her and how Christ is speaking to me through her story. You should read it if you have not....and single girls, you should especially read it! You will find such wisdom and really may be able to relate with her and where she was when she was your age (my age, our age...). I am not even done with her story and she blows me away. She is a true heroine in the Christian faith and just such an encouragement while reading. I mean seriously, if you are down in the dumps about dating, or life, or just where you are....read this story! I am sure the Lord will speak to you, just as he has to me, if you ask it of Him! Oh, how I love when he shows up...and how he does it often.

Love you guys!