Ashie Nichole soon-to-be Kavanagh

An update of sorts

2012-01-03T19:03:00.000-08:00

I have dragged my feet to post this...most honestly, probably a bit out of fear. I think I have been dealing with a bit of fear on the front of some of the things in my life. The Lord is graciously working on my heart, which is good, stretching and tough at times. In the end, I am thankful the Lord goes after my heart as he does.

The news... I am engaged! If you know me well, you already know this. But, here are some details! His name is Josh Kavanagh. He is spectacular. He loves me well, has and does pursue me well, is strong-willed, compassionate, caring, thoughtful, smart, and is also a teacher. Above all, he loves Jesus. He challenges me, and engages me in such a loving way. I am thankful the Lord has brought him into my life, and the Lord has blessed me by allowing me to do life with this amazing man.

We have known each other, and of each other for quite a while. My friend Tiffany from high school first introduced us, and we also went to college together. Josh was my SWAT leader at DBU, although I must admit he remembers this much better than I do. (Yes, I guess I am a bit of a jerk on that front.) As the years passed, we have kept in touch, but have never dated. This last year he asked me out, and I though, what the heck! So glad I said yes because his country charm and his sweet spirit took me in! He has loved and pursued me well from the beginning, and the day before my birthday (November 19th) he asked me to be his wife! We will now be getting married on June 22nd.

I wanted to share some pictures of my beloved and also hoping this will get me on a blogging role yet again. It has been a crazy year at school this year. They have taken away a conference from us every other day, and add that in with the extra-curricular that I do, plus any sort of life I would like to have, it leaves little time for blogging about my musings about life. Alas, I shall try harder, for no other reason that it is therapeutic to me plus I love the blogging community. :)

Enjoy the pics and thanks for reading my catch up!

Love you all,
Ash

Reflection

2011-11-19T07:29:00.001-08:00

Growing in the Lord can often times be uncomfortable and stretching. Although it something that you definitely want in your life,I believe the closer you get to him and how gracious of a King he is, you see many more sinful parts to your life. I am talking about the legalistic view of what is right versus wrong in your life, but rather you see parts of your heart that need major reconstruction.

This past year (looking back from last year at this exact time) has been a major growth year. At times it has been EXTREMELY uncomfortable, and hard. I felt at times I was left alone by the Lord and did not know why he had brought me to certain places in my life. Looking back over the course of the year from where he has brought me to now, I have to say I am very thankful. I believe every experience he brings in my life does have a major purpose for forming me and making me into someone who is more like Him. I not even close to being compared to Jesus, so don't think that is what I am saying. What I am saying is that I think he brings us through certain trials and maybe even heartaches (I feel this in my case) to bring us out on the other side to say, Look sweet child what I have had for you all along!? Why can't you just trust me?'. I know this quote may be used often, but I think it is so true. C.S. Lewis said, "We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." Often times, we get so caught up in what we want, what we could have, what we think we deserve that we don't look at where God has placed us, individually. Obviously my walk, nor my life is going to be the same as my friends. I may love what they have and think that is amazing for them, but if I covet that and desire that for my life, what does that say about my thankfulness for what the Lord has given me?

I have constantly been a person that looks at others lives and think, wow, that is really great that they have all of that... I wonder when that will happen for me. I am being extremely honest here. I can call it many different things, but when it boils down to it I have an extreme amount of pride, sometimes even manifesting itself as thwarted pride, which makes me think I deserve certain things. As I get closer and closer to the Lord, I realize I don't really deserve anything. The freeing part about this is it just makes you see how gracious and loving our sweet Jesus is. He desired me when he knew I would be a half-hearted creature. He knew he would reveal himself to me, and that I would still want to go play in the mud at times. He knew he would bring me out of things that could possibly cause me pain and heartache that were maybe just not right for me, and that I would fight him tooth and nail over it. He knew he would take me on a journey and that even when I am angry at where I might be, that He loves me just the same and desires me to see Him in all his glory. I amazed today at the journey of this past year. I went through some heartache and through that heartache he has brought me to another place all together. I feel he is still pressing on my heart daily, and showing me my sinful heart. And the funny thing is, I really believe as you get closer to the Lord, you just see your heart for what it is--wayward. And you are JOYFUL for how GRACIOUS Jesus is. You don't become down on yourself for messing that thing up (well maybe sometimes you do...) but rather you see that there is unlimited grace offered for you at the Cross and he has died in your place for all your sins. He loves you. like crazy loves you.

How great is a God that loves you so much. Oh, to know him more.

Balance

2011-09-24T08:49:00.000-07:00

"We grow up when we see our lives from God's perspective; when we thank God for the role he has assigned to us and begin to see our cup as a gift instead of a cross; when each morning we ask, "God, how can I glorify You today in my given role?".

This quote is from a book I am reading called, "Calm my anxious heart" by Linda Dillow. Here lately, I find myself getting frustrated at all the roles I have to play. At how much is expected of me at work, and how much physically, mentally and emotionally that takes out of me. I find myself comparing myself to others and not necessarily wishing for what they are doing, but in a way coveting what I perceive to be "free time". That "free time" I seem to so want is probably to them just as busy as what my life may be perceived as. This morning I was reading and I read the above excerpt, as well as "To much is given, much is required". How true that is. In fact, I teared up a bit when reading this. Maybe that might not be that crazy since I can be an emotional woman, but here lately I have been trying to hold it together. Take it one day at a time, as many people tell me. This year we only have a conference (a break in the day where we can call parents, input grades, grade papers, work on any cheer stuff I have, etc.) every other day. Due to this, most of my school meetings are now before or after school, which takes any extra energy out of you that you may have possessed before the meeting. I have started to see sides of myself and others that are not the most pleasant. I long for the days when we had a conference everyday. I get frustrated and overwhelmed. My brain is fried, and I feel like I am constantly working. Trust me, I am not saying this in a complaing tone, although it may come off as that since this is not face-to-face conversation. Rather, I am telling you, I am having a hard time balancing when to stop working and take time for myself. I am in the word, but not as much as I would like to be. I think all the time, Ash, everything will only fall into place if you are in the word FIRST. I am playing the comparison game more often and being oober-critical of myself in everything, and especially the things I have struggled with most in the past. (Go figure since I just wrote a blog about that).

All that to say, what I am trying to find right now is balance. I have been a horrible friend, but I have to purposefully p;an a time when I can call my friends. Last week I fell asleep at 8:30 and also took a nap at 6 that night. I don't do that usually unless I am sick. I know I am not the only one feeling this way, because in talking to my colleagues they are feeling the same way. I can't imagine having babies and a husband right now and trying to balance all that without going insane. This week my good friend at school came in and said, "Ash, what are you doing!?" To which I replied, "Planning and color-coding my planner, silly!". To which he then told me that I was planning in a 2010 calendar. ha, depressing and also tells you my brain is a bit tired. Even in all this, I do know this is where the Lord has placed me and where he wants me--crazy schedule and all. Right now I am just being very convicted in being more positive and being more content with where I am right now. Not playing the people-pleasing game, the complaing game, the wish I had her job game, but rather having the, "Thank you, Lord for what you have blessed me with" posture. I can say there are lots of issues that this is hard for me- my type A personality, my perfectionism, my desire for the kids to succeed even if they don't want to, my people-pleasing....but what it all boils down to are sin issues I am not dealing with or refusing to see. That is always fun when the Lord points that out.

My last point is- where is my focus? Is it on Eternity and what the Lord wants for my life, or on ME? I so often make this world all about me and my wants and desires instead of who He is and what He desires for my life and for those around me. Instead of focusing on how I can minister to those around me and pour myself more into the Lord and the Lord's purpose for myself, I play the woe is me card. I don;t even mean to do it sometimes...I just get so frustrated and tired. I think there is a balance in life, and one must get rest and take care of oneself (hello Sabbath) but there is also the HUGE part where I must recognize that this world is not about me, but rather about my one true love, Jesus.

"If we want to be women of contentment, we must choose to accept our portion, our assigned roles from God. We must make the choice to dwell on the positive aspects of our role in life. If we don;t, we'll be discontent, always wanting something different from what we have been given."

Here's to restoration and contentment...

Blush

2011-09-14T16:40:00.000-07:00

I got asked to contribute to a blog called Blush. Blush is a conference that I spoke at months back. This is probably the most raw I have been in a blog. Autumn, the founder of Blush, asked me to share my story with her readers. She asked me to post it on my facebook page, and I have decided just to retweet her tweet about my blog and put it on here. As much as I would like to say fear of man never has a hold on me, I still think it is a little hard to share your whole self with others.

So, that being said, here is the blog that I wrote. :)

Jaded Beauty

2011-07-15T08:11:00.000-07:00

As woman, we all have that tendency to pick ourselves apart. Although some women might be more forthcoming with what they see wrong with themselves, I still believe most women, if not all, scrutinize about the way the look, feel, or may be perceived. Some women may mask this with overconfidence, wearing clothes that show off their figures, or buying things that make them feel better. Others might completely obliterate any good qualities that can be perceived from others because they have such a low view of the beauty of who they are. I tend to be on the pendulum that swings from one extreme to the other.

Jaded beauty these days is much of what we look like, how we are perceived and even more so, what we want to be perceived as. Do you want to be perceived as someone who does not care what people think, or do you want to make sure everyone takes notice of you and who you are? The thing is, I think we all long to be known as women. We long for someone to come along, take notice and not only be drawn to us, but rather be CAPTIVATED by us. We do not want them to just see our outward beauty and be taken by that (even though that is nice to think about) but we want them to notice all of us. We long for someone to see our quirks and love us just the same as they did before they found out about them. When thinking about the word "jaded" I start to think about where we have gone wrong in deciding what makes someone beautiful. We don't necessarily look at unique qualities within a woman, but rather compare them to ourselves and think what we might do to make ourselves better or more desirable than the next. We play the "comparison game" rather than looking at ourselves and working on inward beauty.

I know that when I see someone who is physically more fit than I am or skinnier, has that amazing body we may all covet, I struggle with comparison and then try to come up with a plan to be the next Victoria Secret beauty. I don't want to be ordinary, but rather extraordinary. I want others to think I am the best....aww, jaded beauty. Jaded beauty can also be looked at as pride. Thwarted pride or just all out "I am the best looking woman in here" kind of pride...either way, we are all jaded. We don't try to make our inward beauty shine because we are too worried about what others may think, or how we feel our bodies look that day, or what size we used to be, or that blemish that ever-so-suddenly appeared on our face when we have something really big we need to look GREAT for that particular day. We scrutinize over how we can do better and look better and how today will be different and we will feel differently tomorrow if we just do something different tomorrow (make ourselves better).

I would wager to say Jaded beauty is not something new that has just happened in this century. Sure, we have a new definition of beauty than they had in the 19th century, but have we really changed our thinking over how to be beautiful? I don't think so. Yes, we may have sky-high ads of the "perfect" Jenn Anniston drinking her smart water with her long luscious hair that makes us feel a bit down on that extra cupcake we indulged in today, or not working out in a week. But do you not think that they may have had beauty standards back in the day that were similar, just maybe not posted on billboards?! (And don't get me wrong, I love me some Jennifer Anniston...just saying the girl looks great in all ads BUT it is posted everywhere ya look). I guess what I am getting at here is honestly, until I start looking at what is inside me and what the Lord has made me to be,do I honestly get closer to the "beauty" model that I am supposed to be longing after. I still struggle with it on a daily basis, and probably more like an hourly basis on a bad day, thinking about how I look, how i am perceived and other such things that are really not important to my quality of life in the long run. However, it is still there... the way you fix that is finding your worth in something that is not of you. I honestly do not think there is a way to find worth unless you are looking at the Creator who made you. He knows every hair on your head and made you unique for a reason. We all have a purpose for being here, and in that, I think we should rejoice. He has made us unique. He didn't make us all look the same, act the same, or have the same figure, because (as I think of it) it would be BORING. What is unique about everyone being the same?? So, why do we long for that on such a constant basis?

Maybe, you are different. Maybe you don't really struggle with the whole beauty issue. That is AWESOME if that is so. But, for me, I must say I struggle with this very frequently and the only way I find solace in this situation is by realizing that the Lord did not call me to be a size 2 for my life mission. He called me to "work with willing hands, have a heart that people can trust in, dresses herself with strength, opens her hands to be poor and reaches out her hands to the needy, strength and dignity are her clothing and she laughs at days to come, opens her mouth up with wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue, she does not participate in idleness and most of all she remembers CHARM IS DECEITFUL AND BEAUTY IS VAIN BUT A WOMAN WHO FEARS THE LORD IS TO BE PRAISED." (paraphrased a bit...from Proverbs 31).

Oh, to be that woman.

Love you all!

"Kep" Keplinger...how I miss him SO.

2011-07-06T19:14:00.000-07:00

There are many times in life where we are faced with hard things. I believe as you get older, you tend to experience these more so than when you did when you were younger. At least, I think that it may hit you a bit harder because you are older and understand it more thoroughly than you might have at a younger age. Monday, the 27th, on my grandparents 57th wedding anniversary, my Papa left this Earth to be with my heavenly Father. I don't really have much to write in this post, because most of it is below. This is what I had the privilege of saying about my Papa, who meant and still means, so very much to me, at his funeral. I thought it would be cool for my friends to get to read how awesome of a man he was. So here, sweet friends, is a blog dedicated solely to my sweet Papa- "Kep" Keplinger. :)

Hello, my name is Ashley Keplinger and I am the second oldest grandchild of my sweet Papa, Kep.

There are a lot of things that I could tell you that were funny about my Papa and I’s relationship. Perhaps, I could tell you how I never really knew his name was not “Kep Keplinger” until this past year. I know a 25 year old should know that, but I just thought his parents did not feel like being creative and wanted everyone to remember his name. I never knew that he just was not too fond of his first name, so he went by Kep. I could tell you that he always had a witty joke to offer when you were down, and could make light of any situation, and then in turn tell you how it would be okay and to have HOPE that things would turn out okay- to believe that things would work out because God had his best in mind for you. I could tell you many funny stories about my Papa, but I think I would rather tell you the most important thing that he left with me. This would be his faith and determination he had in everything he did. I watched my Papa grow more in the Lord the past 10 years than I did in my entire life. I watched him encourage others through extreme adversity and hardships and at all times have a smile on his face and a joke to offer.

“You can’t help but fall in love with him”. A doctor said this about my Papa on the day that Pop decided he was tired of all his treatments. It was interesting to me on the last days he was around how much every doctor and nurse seemed to really be moved by my Papa, and how much emotions and heart were involved in what they were doing. One of the male nurses, Mark, bought a cake that said “Happy 57th Anniversary Mom and Pop” on the last day we were at the hospital. The man that turned off his defibrillator machine, who was obviously close to Papa after 10 years of working with him, teared up when turning off his unit. Some of the doctors and nurses seemed truly surprised when he decided to quit treatments. You see, the thing about my Papa is he was not one to ever give up. In fact, in my entire life I do not think I ever saw him give up on something. And to be honest with you, I do not believe that he gave up the day that he decided he did not want any more evasive treatments, or drugs making his heart pump.

I believe he was ready to go home. Not his house home, but rather home to be with our Sweet Jesus. The day after he decided to be moved to hospice, Romans 8:18 was one of the verses that was found in my devotional. As I read on, I felt the Lord was saying, Look what your Papa gets to encounter! He gets to encounter ME!

Romans 8:18-24 says-
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed in us. For creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope, that the creation itself will be set free from bondage of decay to obtain the freedom of glory of the children of God. For we know that whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

I believe this passage sums up what the Lord did through my Papa. I truly believe my Papa was a living, breathing example of the gospel being lived out. Although we groan inwardly and ache for what is to come, we wait with HOPE for what is to come. We have HOPE that there is something greater calling us and in the end we will be restored and get to be with Him who made us and loves us so. As my Papa’s body was giving up the past 10 years, my papa “hoped in what he did not see and waited with patience”. What a testimony and what a GREAT gift the Lord gave to my Papa. I believe suffering is allowed so that we can see something greater and get something more out what has been given to us. Although this thorn in his side was given to my Papa, he fought the good fight. So, at this time I know that I grieve for myself, my precious grandma, my family, and his sweet friends, but I know right now my Papa is not grieving. I truly believe he is in a much better place than he was when he was with us. He has fought the good fight and he Won! He with our Lord Jesus Christ in Glory!!!!

In ending this I believe my Papa would share this hymn with you rather than say one more thing about him. He was never one to boast about himself. I would always sing to and with my Papa, so bear with me as I try to do so and leave you with this- “Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in his wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim. In the light of his glory and grace.”

Thank you.

Love you guys,
Ash

Day 5-To the ONE that makes my heart come alive...

2011-06-20T08:30:00.000-07:00

Sweet Jesus,

This last year and half has been something that I have not expected. I did not expect many of the things that happened or came to pass in my life. At first and throughout many of the struggles I was very opposed to them and did not want to accept what was going on in my life. I cried out of help over and over again and there were many tears that were involved in the process. I believe you allowed those tears and hurt so that you could come rescue my heart. You allowed many things to happen in my life this past year so that I could see your Grace and also so you could show me some things that I lacked and needed to learn. You allowed some of my hardest life-lessons and heartbreak this year, but through that you showed up so completely. You showed me more than ever who you are and who you are not. You showed me characteristics of yourself that no one else possesses. You showed me how easy it is for me to look for my worth in worldly things, such as a boyfriend, my work, my kids at school, and image of what I feel I should look like instead of finding them completely in you. You showed me what it is to have a heart that is completely broken but truly only wants what YOU want...not what I want. You showed me a dream can be broken and yet a new one can be built. You showed me that even when someone betrays you as a friend that you are there and can love me so completely when that happens. You have showed me that I must have love for others even when that is the least of what I would like to do. You have showed me there is a line between letting others walk all over me and standing up for myself. You have instilled in me and continue to show me what the fruits of the Spirit are. You continue to show me where I am lacking and how far you have brought me. You continue to show me that I am a work in progress yet you have made me believe you love me the same. You loved me for who I was yesterday and today, not some future version of myself. You finally have allowed my heart to come to a place where I believe this. You have made my heart come alive. You have showed me that I do not need a man in my life for this to happen. You have showed me that ALL I REALLY NEED is YOU. All of the extra things that I have in my life are blessings from you so that I can see and show more of you. You have allowed such growth, even when it was excruciatingly painful. You have allowed those scars to shown, but you have produced fruit from these things. You have brought me to a place where I am finally OK with where I am at. It is not dependent on what is happening around me and my circumstances, but rather on your love and recognizing that you DO NOT CHANGE and will not change. Even when everything around me is crumbling down, you stand strong. For that, Lord, I am thankful. You are the one that has truly made my heart come alive, and for that I am eternally thankful. Thank you for loving me and helping me realize I do not need a husband (or other things I may have made as an idol) to make my heart come alive... I need you.

Love you,
Ashie

"a general wearing out process"

2011-06-13T20:30:00.001-07:00

Noah Calhoun- "I don't think of it as sick. I think of it as a general wearing out process."

Did I just quote The Notebook? Yes, I did. This quote has been coming to my mind in the past week. It has been a tough past week- my sweet cousin was in the hospital because she was going into premature labor, and it took a few days to figure this out and make sure the baby was okay (she is not due until the end of July). Two of my very favorite people in the whole wide world are moving across the country (denial was happening for quite awhile, and now it is actually happening) and to top it all off Papa is back in the hospital. The quote has more been coming to my mind about Papa. I have written about him many times, and maybe it gets old that I write about him so much, but I do love him so. This time around he went in because he could not breathe very well. Come to find out he has lots of fluid around his lungs, but not because of what you might think of. All the food and drink that he is in taking has been going straight to his lungs, not his stomach. Needless to say, this is not good. They told him he must be on a feeding tube. He was not too happy about this, but when they told him what the alternative would be for him, he decided this was the only choice (which it was). He has been in a lot of time this time around. He has also been more stressed and anxious (which does not happen very often) and his feeding tube has come out about 4 or 5 times now. It stayed in all day today, so that is a praise. They must keep him on a feeding tube in order for him to digest food, and for it to go to the correct place, without it his outlook is bleak. They want to do a surgery on Wednesday to put a port in his stomach, but this will be somewhat risky due to the condition he is in. They want to keep him on a feeding tube for at least 6 weeks to see how he does with this. However, his left lung is not cooperating. His left lung has fluid surrounding it and they cannot remove it with lasiks. So, their plan is to inject a needle into the tissue around the lung and try to remove the fluid. I am gathering that if this works, then he will be able to have the surgery on Wednesday, which seems to be crucial, as well.

The quote has come to my mind, because his body is wearing out. It seems to be "a general wearing out process". He is the most precious person. The other day I came home from a trip, and even though he was feeling absolutely horrible and just needed to rest, he tried to turn around in his bed and ask me about my trip and some adventures I had partaken in in the past week. He also made a few jokes. One thing about my Pop, his humor is intact. I would like to ask you something-- please keep him and my grandmother, Norma, in your prayers. She is trying to stay strong, he is trying to do the same as well I believe he is just tired. The last thing I want is to lose him, but I desire for him to not be in pain and also just have a peace about the situation. Please pray for peace for both him and my grandmother and if they choose to do the surgery that it goes well, and that it does not put him in further pain or make him any more uncomfortable than what he is. I would really, really appreciate your prayers.

While we are at it- would you mind praying for my cousin Laura? She is at home now, but they will have to watch her now that she has gone into premature labor. Their baby Kennedy seems to be just fine, but please pray that the rest of her pregnancy is healthy and that Kennedy comes on time and when she is fully developed and that Laura is not stressed until then about the process. I can only imagine what was going through her mind last week.

I love you guys. Thanks for always listening, and more importantly, thanks for always praying.
Ash

Day 4- Favorite Outfit

2011-06-06T07:55:00.000-07:00

I am not going to lie... I don't know if I have a favorite outfit. I mean, I definitely have favorite pieces that I wear, but a favorite outfit I have probably not had since I was about 10. When I was 10 I got to go to the Limited too (any of my girls remember this store?!?) and pick out an Easter outfit. I took a couple of pieces that were not thrown together in the first place and put them together. To my surprise and utter GLEE, the Limited too managers decided it was an awesome idea to put those pieces of clothing together and then decided to make it a window display. I felt like a fashion stylist. And to that day I have decided that I must always be shopping to find the newest looks that someone might have glanced over (this may or may not be how I justify shopping sometimes)....;). All that to say, here are a few of my favorite things. Quite honestly, after having to be in dresses and heels the past week for things after school or things such as graduation, I am fully convinced I am a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal. Dressing up is fun, but not something I want to do everyday.

This is my go-to outfit for summer. A t-shirt and shorts.

I love Uggs. This is far from a confession if you know me. I love them and will not apologize for it. Trust me, if you put your feet into some, your life would be changed. Ask my besties...they have been converted. I know that I cannot wear these in the summer, that would be quite stupid, but they are fav in winter. In or out of style, I will be true to you, Oh Uggs.

Lastly, would be my cream coat, my black skinny jeans and my anthro boots. Again, a winter-ish outfit, but it is one of my very favs. Unfortunately my beautiful and C-U-T-E cream coat was stolen while in New Orleans. So RIP cream coat... I hope your new owner loves you even though they stole you. I realize this is not the most flattering of pictures of me...but it is about the outfit, right?!

Well ,that is all for today. I apologize if any boredom came from this post, but I had to post Day #4! Hopefully Day #5 will be much more interesting!!

love you all.
Ash :)

Day 3- Who Inspires Beauty?

2011-05-28T19:26:00.000-07:00

This might be a strange post. The question that has been posed is- who inspires beauty? I think this is a great question with many possible answers. I thought about talking about all the great women in my life- my Mimi, my Mom, people like my old youth minister's wife Amy Dean. All of these people have inspired so much within me and have helped mold and shape me into who I am today. I have chosen 4 people. The first three people I have chosen are my three best friends- Nicole, Elise and Robin. These three women have closely walked with me in my life and inspire great beauty. Each one of them are different, but lovely all the same. They all love the Lord with all of their heart, mind and soul. All three are now married and each honor God in their marriages. They are all Godly women, whom I have had a GREAT joy in walking with. These women hold me accountable, love me, have cried with me, and are SOOO funny! They are some of the most wonderful women I know with such great passion for our God and King.

Nicole has been one of my best friends since the 7th grade. This girl has so much joy in her heart and is one of the kindest people I have ever known. We became close after both not being invited to a sleepover our 7th grade year. Ever since that sad night, we have been the best of friends. Her encouragement and love for the Lord, and sweet spirit inspire beauty. She is one of the most lovely people I know and she is a Godly woman that most definitely shines from the inside out (even though you can see she is SO beautiful on the outside)!!!!

Elise has been one of my best friends since my senior year in college. She is one of those people that I instantly bonded with and the Lord has only grown our relationship stronger since that day! Lise is one of those friends that I will be friends with until the day I die. She is one of the most amazing women that I know. She encourages people daily and is one of the most selfless people I know. She loves her husband so much and has impressed me with how wonderful she is at being a wife. She may not think that, but I have to say, her example of her relationship with her husband and how she prays for him and really desires to be a Godly wife is inspiring. The thing about Lise is she values her relationship with the Lord above all. She encourages others in this as well without condemnation. I find this rare. She is true gem and one of my favorite people, and I am blessed to call her my best friend.
Robin is another one of my sweet besties. I think sweet is synonymous with Rob. I love her so much. She has also been one of my best friends since my Senior year in college. She has lived near me the past two years, and has been my lifeline. She is moving to Iowa soon.... which to be honest with you, makes my heart extremely sad. You see, the thing about Rob is everything about her inspires beauty. She loves the Lord with all her heart, is extremely smart and lovely and witty and just an incredible friend. She would be there for you even if it was the most inconvenient thing for her. I have been so blessed by her friendship. She has listened to me during some of my hardest times and has stuck by me and made me feel better. She is realistic yet kind and caring. I love her so very much. She is also pregnant. As if it was at all possible, pregnancy has made her even cuter and more beautiful. She has got that glow if you will. :) She is another friend I cannot see ever not being friends with.
These three women are some of the most wonderful people I know. It is a pleasure to know them, to grow with them, and to be their best friends.

The last set of people (which may seem like the weird part of my post) I would like to shine the light on would be my students. I will not be posting a picture of all of them, but I just have to say they inspire beauty. They inspire that deep hearted beauty within me. I see all of their personalities and sweet spirits, or even their rough-around-the edges just need Jesus selves and I am inspired to live and be better. They inspire beauty because I see them and want to be better. I want to be a leader. I desire to be a good role-model and show them the love of Jesus. So, my babies, as I call them, inspire true beauty.

Love you all.
Ash:)

Project 31- Day 2

2011-05-18T17:16:00.001-07:00

Question #2- What makes you uniquely YOU?

I am sure I could do this post many different ways, but in midst of lacking creativity, here is a random list of things about muah.

I am a coffee-drinkin', skinny jean wearin', Jesus lovin', Harry Potter fanatic that happens to get to do something that I am absolutely in love with every day.

I have been so excited about doing this particular blog post for so long. I have thought of fun things I could mention about myself or funny anecdotes I might tell. But when it comes down to it, I don't have a lot to say. There are so many things that make up who I am. The main thing that makes me who I am though is Jesus. It is my relationship with Him. It is the relationship that He has so graciously allowed me to have with Him that makes me who I am. Now do I deny that I am creator of amazing birthday raps, creator of the Friday song for my kids at school, and maybe a crazy driver!?!? No! But, those are not the things that make me. They are things that maybe set me apart. But in the end, I am being made, shaped and molded by my creator. He has grown my affections for things I never thought 10 years ago I would have a love for. He has grounded me to a place where I am more grateful and less childish and selfish. (I say less selfish due to this being an issue that is being worked on ;)). But I really do not think that I could say that I am who I am, without mentioning my Christ. Some might call that "overly religious" or she is one of those "weird Jesus-lovers" but I am telling you, He has brought me through so much, rescued my heart and then taken it, mended it and fully hidden it in Him, that to not tell you about what He has done in my life and not brag on Him would not be a good reflection of who I am now.

So, I leave you with a few fun facts.
1. I am my father's daughter. I love to read and write and debate (when I have a good argument. Until then, I will not put in my two sense). I am a thinker and a lover of culture and of people. I love to see what can happen when people are thrown together and watch how people react to one another. I like to solve problems and fix things. I like to help.
2. I am also my mother's daughter. I am the first one to make a stupid comment that I will not catch was stupid until after the entire car has started laughing at my seeming ditsy comment. I like to be goofy. I love to love. I want to make sure you know I love you, and that I will keep loving you as long as I have breathe. I don't like division and I long for everyone to see the good in each other. I desire for my babies to see how much I love them and I wish I could take everyone of them in and let them know they are dearly loved and there is something much greater than any of us that brought us all here. I love flowers and beauty and say "Thank you Jesus" when I find a parking spot. I love to come home and veg out watching Friends or The Office. And I like to try to be funny even if it is just for a pity laugh from the people that mean the most to me in my life. And most of all... I will keep touching you until you tell me to stop. I can't help it. I am touchy. I feel like that is the way you will know you are loved by me. It is my love language....so deal with it. ;)
3. I love to read. I have loved to read since I was little. I read all the Anne of Green Gables series when I was in the 3rd grade and devoured books ever since. I guess it works out that I now get to teach some of the literature that so dearly love.
4. I live for Christmas season. It is my favorite. I love Christmas music, the decorations, the beautiful coats worn during the cold weather and the seasonal drinks at Starbucks.
5. The Fall and Spring are two of my favorites as well because it reminds me of the goodness of Christ. Whether it is the old making way for the new, or the something growing and shedding it's old skin, I love love love the changing of the seasons.
6. I love school supplies- always have, always will. I am enamored with school supply stores and it makes my heart happy to have a new purple or pink pen.
7. I love Harry Potter and will not be ashamed of it!!! They are one of the most well-written series ever written and until you have read them all, I do not believe you can argue with me about this.
8. I love fashion. If this at all makes sense, it stirs my affections for my creator. I find people so innovative and creative which brings me back to how creative our amazing God is. And do not write me off as just "another Dallas girl that is into THINGS". Where I could see myself easily getting caught up in that if I do not check myself regularly, I truly appreciate the designer and what it took to make the piece. I love the patterns, the textiles and different textures they use to communicate their view of design. It intrigues me.
9. I am independent. I do not need anyone to complete me, but it excites me to think of the future possibilities that the Lord has for me.
10. I love to study. Yes, I am that person. I enjoy studying. I love to read and write and take notes. I want to go back to school and I desire to be a life-learner. It is in me forever...maybe that is why I desire so greatly for my kids to WANT to learn!!

So in ten not-so-brief thoughts here I am. Love you all and thanks for reading.
Ash

The List

2011-05-17T19:29:00.000-07:00

Hello!! :)

I will not be doing day #2 today because I want enough time to spend with each "day" that I blog. But, I did want to post the questions for some of my friendlies that asked!!! Also, I want you to check out the blog that I got it from! I will be adding her to my blog roll, and I also want to share with you another blog that I am highly encouraged by- Ashley Venable's blog. I actually do not know Ashley too well, but met her through a friend this past year and have followed her through her blog. She is something else (wonderful) and truly a joy to follow when it comes to the blogging world and just an encouragement as a fellow Christian woman living our her life for our sweet Jesus! Christian women trust me on this, follow her blog!!

The blog that the project actually comes from is She Breathes Deeply. You should check out her blog as well, ladies! It is encouraging and fun to read!! :) I don't know about you, but I am all about the encouragement end of things so I highly reccomend.

Okay, now on to PROJECT 31!!! I am excited!

Here are the questions-THE LIST:

Day 1. What does beauty mean to you?
Day 2. What makes you uniquely you?
Day 3. Who is someone you know who inspires beauty?
Day 4. Style 31. Post a pic of you in your favorite outfit.
Day 5. Write a blog thanking someone who has made your heart come alive.
Day 6. Jaded beauty. Has the world's definition of beauty ever jaded you?
Day 7. Write a blog to encourage another beautiful woman.
Day 8. Have a beauty secret (e.g. hair tip, make up tip)? Share, please!
Day 9. What virtues do you value in yourself?
Day 10. What is Jesus teaching you as a wife, mom, or friend? (Or just woman in general?)
Day 11. Post a recipe. Or if you don't cook, try a new recipe and write about how it turned out (pictures please!).
Day 12. Write about what wears you out as a woman.
Day 13. Write about something you would like to change about yourself for the better.
Day 14. Style 31. Post an outfit pic!
Day 15. Write to encourage a friend. Inspire her beauty.
Day 16. Write a letter to your daughter, or a young girl in your life. Tell her what beauty means.
Day 17. Write about 3 things that make you happy.
Day 18. Describe your personality.
Day 19. Write about your favorite comfort food (we are women- we ALL have comfort food!)
Day 20. Write about your job and why you love it or hate it.
Day 21. Write a letter to your husband to encourage him (or if you are single- your future husband.)
Day 22. What are some needs that need to be met in your community? Blog about how to extend your hand to those who need you.
Day 23. What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses?
Day 24. What is Jesus teaching you presently?
Day 25. Style 31. Post a pic of your favorite comfy clothes.
Day 26. What do you hope your grandchildren will say about you someday when you are gone?
Day 27. Write a blog to encourage someone and build their confidence!
Day 28. Write about your insecurities as a woman.
Day 29. Write about "a day in the life of me." (Pics are great!)
Day 30. Who is your role model as a woman?
Day 31. Write about your dreams and goals as a beautiful woman!

So besties, ladies, and lovely's get ready, set... BLOG!!! Love you all!!

Ash :)

What is Beauty?

2011-05-16T18:56:00.000-07:00

I am starting a new series of blogs. I have wanted to write quite a bit in the past few months, but have either been lazy, felt a little too vulnerable with the topics, or just wrote half only to be unispired to write the rest of it.

I saw on a friend's blog that she was doing 31 days of entries. The 31 is signifigant because it has do to with the Proverbs 31 woman. Lately, I have been thinking about what makes me, uniquely me, and other women, uniquely them. I will post all the entires in the next blog, but Day 1 of the blog asks the question- What does beauty meant to you? I think this is a good question for any woman to ask herself.

I have been thinking on this question for about 2 months now, after seeing it on my friend's blog. Beauty. It is one of the things that every woman deals with on a constant basis. We fight off what we feel we look like, or portray on a daily basis. If you are a Christian, you wonder if you are living what is characteritic of a Godly woman. If you are married maybe you think in the terms of whether you are living as a Godly wife should, and as a single, you think, am I doing this right? At least, that is what I think. What also comes to mind for me as a single woman is- am I alright just being me? Is there something wrong with me that I am still single when all my freinds are married. Hear me out before you start thinking that I have some major single issues. I think that there is always a image issue with women. I think we all handle it differently, but in the end, I think there is always something in us wondering if we could be better, look better, be funnier, wittier, more on-key and cool. The question that has come to my mind lately while feeling this way is- what good is that doing me, or what way is that making me better? The answer is it isn't. It isn't making me better, rather it is making me pick myself apart and try to be like others.

So, the answer to this question in my mind is simple. Beauty is being you. Unique and wonderful you. The Lord knows you and made you to be the wonderful person you are. Are you going to mess up? Heck yes. Are you going to have days where you feel like you should probably just stay in and eat your cares away with chocolate and watch "Say yes to the dress" for the 20th tim?. Probably...but those days are amongst the ones that make you who you are. The Lord has made us all unique and individuals for a reason. There is a reason HE choose to place us in our very routine we have now. He put us here for a reason and that reason is uniquely yours.

So, my challenge to myself, and to others is why keep trying to change who you are to fit in some mold that probably you have drawn up for yourself? Why not just work with what the Lord has given you and find all of your beauty in Him? I am talking to myself here, but this is something I feel the Lord is laying on my heart over and over again. So, be yourself and find you beauty in Him and what He has placed you in and around. Can't be too tough, right? Let's try together.

Proverbs 31:10-31

10 Who can find a virtuous wife?

For her worth is far above rubies.

11 The heart of her husband safely trusts her;
So he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
And willingly works with her hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
She brings her food from afar.
15 She also rises while it is yet night,
And provides food for her household,
And a portion for her maidservants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
From her profits she plants a vineyard.
17 She girds herself with strength,
And strengthens her arms.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is good,
And her lamp does not go out by night.
19 She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hand holds the spindle.
20 She extends her hand to the poor,
Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of snow for her household,
For all her household is clothed with scarlet.
22 She makes tapestry for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies sashes for the merchants.
25 Strength and honor are her clothing;
She shall rejoice in time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.
27 She watches over the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “ Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates.

Papa

2011-04-05T17:10:00.000-07:00

My papa is getting surgery on Thursday. Or he is scheduled to get a surgery on Thursday. He has been scheduled for this surgery twice now, and both times he has gone in there has been something wrong with his health in addition to what he was going in for, so they had to postpone surgery. He is getting his defribullator replaced. I am not sure what all goes in to this surgery and I believe I may have even blogged about this back in August when he was to get it then. There is also a lot of stuff going on with school and such, and all I keep thinking right now is I know nothing of what is to happen, or what might transpire in the next few days, but I know the Lord will take care of me. He always has, He always will... and He continues to sustain me in the meantime. I think Papa is pretty scared about the surgery. Which makes me sad and just want to give him a hug and go hang out with him until the surgery. Then, I seem to think I am jumping the gun a bit... he may not even have the surgery, and could and will probably make it through fine. I feel selfish for worrying about work and some things that are in transition for me at work due to me probably having my job when others might. I should just be thankful. Today was just a day it would have been nice to come home to someone who I could have told about my day, but didn't have to, ya know? Just to come home and sit and maybe watch TV, eat and sit in silence with that person just knowing that they are there. But on the bright side that is something I look forward to someday having. Shoot, maybe I just need to get a roommate. ;)

So, if you do read this by Thursday, 2 things-
1. Will you please pray for my Papa? I know I have asked that a lot, but y'all have been faithful and it has always worked out. Love when the saints pray for my Papa. :)
2. Don't worry... I am not on the edge of some depressional down spiraling. I guess I just wanted to type it out. Emotional Ashley emerges again. :) A girl's gotta be honest with herself, and I can be emotional (for those of you that know me best that might be reading this you are probably thinking, oh ash, that is an understatement and laughing a bit). Let's face it... the Lord made me that way. And I am comfortable in it.

That is all for now. As they say in recovery... Thanks for listening.

Realization.

2011-03-26T17:20:00.000-07:00

Something dawned on me this past week. I like where my life is at right now. I love my job, my friends, my relationship with my Sweet Jesus, my church, and my apartment. I love my red furniture and my robin-egg blue plates. I like that I can rearrange my furniture without consulting anyone to see if that will upset them, or that I can leave a cup out on the table and it not bother anyone. I am content. (Do you know how wonderful that feels to say that!?!?!!!) Do I want some things in the future that I may not have yet? Very much so. But, they are far from defining me. Do I have a lot of growth to do?! Ummm, that would be a big YES. The Lord has been above and beyond gracious to me this year though and has let me grow in crazy ways I honestly did not know would be possible. I feel as though He has something in the works for my life that I will be so very giddy about in the future, but in the meantime, He has me right where He wants me. Do I get lonely sometimes? Of course... I think every single 25 year-old woman might tell you that they get lonely time to time when they see that cute couple who can't stop staring at one another. However, this week I was reminded over and over again by the Lord how I was okay and how He has finally brought me in this season where I am content. It does not mean that things don't bother me, or I don't get down from time to time, but I know I am okay. I know that my relationship status does not define where I may have allowed it to in the past. I also know that there is no rushing God's timing no matter how much I may TRY to do so. So, as I sit here tonight typing on my school-issued MacBook, watching all sorts of girly television and drinking my sweet tea, I am thankful. No use in pushing God's timing even if that is all I have ever tried to do in my life. I am ever so thankful He has a plan for my life that I have yet to see or live out. Praise be to Him who loves this goofy, sometimes dramatic, type A, perfectionist yet messy girl and that He knows my heart better than anyone and still loves me. And here is to being content in this single season as long as he calls me to it.

Snow day post...

2011-02-09T11:41:00.000-08:00

It has been awhile since I have posted anything, plus with these unexpected "snow" days, I thought why not post a bit! Last post I talked about the angst of waiting. That seems to be the theme of the current season I am in. However, I will say that since my last post my heart is way more at rest. There is no other explanation for that except the Lord's grace in my life. I have been in constant prayer of many things over the past few months, and the Lord has been gracious to answer or rather deliver. The feeling of peace that I have at this time is nothing short of Him. Let me tell you why...(and then the blog will get a bit lighter!)

1. There is a very big uncertainty about my job right now. If you know me well, or maybe even if you don't know too well, you know how much I talk about my job. To say I love my job might be the understatement of the century. I have wanted to be a teacehrs since I was 5...literally. I am in love with job. I am in love with my kids. I am in love with teaching. I am in love with developing relationships with them and getting to know them and hopefully show them Jesus. I am in love with encouraging them and seeing them grow. I am even in love with being at a school that has babies that are on the lower end of the economic scale. I love how I have grown from teaching. I love how Cheerleading (even though it has been a bit of a thorn in my side the past year or so) has allowed the Lord to grow me in ways I have needed to really grow in. All that said- there is a major budget cut going on in education right now. I must be honest and say I did not know that it would be as bad as it is right now. Nor did I realize how much impact it would have on my job. However, our superintendent came out with a new video speaking to all the AISD employees telling us that we are in a very bad spot due to a deficit we already had and now additional cuts from the state. We are losing a lot, including UTA stadium and many jobs and dissolving of many programs. One of the next proposed cuts are firing of 775 Probationary teachers. I fall under this category because I am in year 3 of my teaching. You are in probationary for years 1-3. This is scary. If they go through with this it will save them A LOT of money, but you will also be losing a lot of teachers that have a passion for teaching. (And I realize I may just seem to be saying this because I am in this category, but some of the best teachers I know with awesome ideas and drives and passions are in this category). They have also told us that if we do keep our jobs we will gain another section for teaching as well as lose a conference period every other day. This may not seem like a lot, but especially for those of us that may have to keep extracurriculars it will be a lot of extra work. Which in the grand scheme of having a job, I guess that really doesn't matter. All this to say...I feel as though I am in another time of uncertainty. Who knows what will happen. Maybe they will find another way to save money, but either way someone is going to lose a job. There is anxiousness all around me in the faces of my co-workers. I love the family that has been developed at my school and it is scary to think that that will change. BUT here is the thing the Lord is yet again pounding into my head- He has different plans for me than I might have for myself. And what i have to do and continue to do is Trust Him and wait. ACTUALLY TRUST HIM. I am venturing to say I think I am getting there. I have a crazy peace..and even though I get that stupid anxiousness of "Ash what if you write this and then lose your job the next day...what are you going to say then?" I have to say that the Lord is going to take care of me. I mean, He has, He will. He will find some way for me to make money. To have a ministry. He knows my heart...he knows my desires, and most of all His plan is way better than my own. And hopefully, I am still teaching next year. Hopefully at the school I am teaching at. The unknown is scary, especially because I truly truly love teaching so much! I am not just saying it...it brings my heart joy. But, the Lord knows that right? Right.

SOOOO, with that being said, I would like to list some things I am thankful for. Not in any particular order, what I am blessed to say I have and thankful for!!
1. Jesus!!!! This is obvious and my relationship is SUPER important and has been invaluable (obviously). I just love Him so much!!
2. My job. I love teaching. I love my babies. I love my girls. I love getting to be creative and dorky and the kids laughing at my jokes, when let's face it...I am not too funny. ;)
3. The relationships I have right now and the relationships that are developing. I love how the Lord works things out and brings new people in your life as well as the old to show you how GOOD and GRACIOUS He is. That is the best.
4. The new found patience the Lord is giving me. Who knows why he is being that gracious, but OH MY WORD, is it new and something that I am SO excited about!
5. School supplies. Yes, I said it... I love me some markers, post-it notes, highlighters and other various organizational tools.
6. Uggs- I probably post this everytime, but I mean it is SO cold outside. If you have Uggs you understand. If you don'...I am sorry. ;)
7. My planner and how it keeps me organized.
8. My Iphone
9. My church and the people in it.
10. A solid group of people that are around me. I know that I mentioned the whole relationships thing above, but the Lord truly has blessed me with the people that I get to call friends and family members in my life. I cannot even imagine doing life without them.

There is way more, but that is all I have for right now. ;) Here are some other updates before I go-
1. Recent Picture of Nennie-Bug

2. I had the opportunity to speak in the Blush Conference here recently. Please check them out and the website out if you have never heard of it!!! The Lord is going to do and is doing some mighty things through this ministry!!!

3. My long-time bestie from Junior High and High School got engaged!!!! Congrats to my little muffin! ;)

5. I heard a sermon recently about singleness, dating and marriage. One of the things that Adam talked about was how to wait in the Lord in your singleness or dating life...and that is preparing to be a wife by serving the Lord. I read this verse and it has just really caught me with how much there is to being a wife. I am not any where close to being a wife to anyone, but I think that this was a wise thought in the sense of preparing yourself to be a Godly woman, thus a Godly wife.
You can find his sermons (WHICH I TOTALLY RECOMMEND!!!) at www.redrevolution.com

Proverbs 31:10-31

10 Who can find a virtuous wife?

For her worth is far above rubies.

11 The heart of her husband safely trusts her;
So he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
And willingly works with her hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
She brings her food from afar.
15 She also rises while it is yet night,
And provides food for her household,
And a portion for her maidservants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
From her profits she plants a vineyard.
17 She girds herself with strength,
And strengthens her arms.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is good,
And her lamp does not go out by night.
19 She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hand holds the spindle.
20 She extends her hand to the poor,
Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of snow for her household,
For all her household is clothed with scarlet.
22 She makes tapestry for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies sashes for the merchants.
25 Strength and honor are her clothing;
She shall rejoice in time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.
27 She watches over the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “ Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates.

Lastly, this is more of request, but would you please pray for AISD? I don't know what to say to pray for exactly, but maybe just for the decisions that the higher ups have to make. And peace for everyone involved and with whatever happens. Love you guys so much! Thanks for reading my blog!!!!

The angst of waiting

2010-12-23T12:21:00.000-08:00

Christmas is usually my favorite season. I mean, I get into it...and I usually start around October. Yes, October. I know, I know...let's at least let Thanksgiving get here, but there it is. Not this year. This year has been different. Not that I haven't enjoyed putting up my Christmas tree, or burning my "evergreen" candle to make my living room smell sweetly of Christmas time. Rather, it has just been a really big time of reflection and just even waiting. I do not know if I have ever really gotten the whole true, real reason for Christmas. Don't get me wrong...I get that fact that Jesus came and was born and how awesome that is. However, I do not think I have ever gotten the angst of the waiting part. The advent part. The waiting on something better and worthwhile and something that could drastically change us all part. I think in the midst of heartbreak or maybe even warfare of the soul where you are really feeling the weight of something greater than yourself, have I really had the opportunity to feel the angst of waiting.

The angst of waiting for perfect timing can be extremely hard. One reason this is probably so hard is the simple task- waiting (which is not oh, so simple when you actually have to do it). Waiting sucks. Especially in this zip-zap world that we live in. We long for instant gratification and when we don't get it we become dissatisfied and unhappy. We look for something more. We look for something better; or even a replacement of sorts. I think the grass is greener mentality comes out at this time. One thing I have noticed about myself here lately is the amount of good advice that will come out of my mouth and then when that gets tested I believe I fail miserably. It is frustrating to say the very least. Why can't what I read and what I know to be true just come as a natural thing and progression in my life. Refinement.
"He knows what He is doing with me, and when he has tested me, I will come forth as pure gold." Job 23:10
I will not even pretend to have it all together. I am quite a far cry from that. I mean, if you read my blog at all I think I talk about waiting and such a lot...because obviously I have some trust issues with the Lord. Here lately though, I have really been blessed by the Lord to see these major areas where I am not trusting him, or where I feel like He is allowing me some room to really be tested on some things He is showing me and doing in my life. In that, there has been this angst. This want to be where He desires me to be.

As Christmas day approaches, I have also been thinking on timing. The sermons I have heard lately and also things I have been reading have spoken a lot about timing The timing of the Christ-child. The waiting on the Messiah. The anticipation of what was to come. The hope that filled people's hearts for something greater than themselves. For something that would rescue them from their hurts, their pains, their sorrow. The Lord waited for perfect timing for Jesus to come. There were prophesies made and many thought He was to come sooner. The Lord waited for the perfect time though...not what was expected, but what was right. This thought has been coming to my mind a lot here lately. It just has really been sinking in how great our God's plans are for us and how He has so much better long-term plans for us than we could possibly think of. And also how timing is everything. I know that is saying that is probably overused, but over the past couple of months, I have really come to believe them to be true. Timing is everything. And the Lord has a right timing for everything. I believe this with all my heart. It is not our job to look at our lives and say, "You know Lord, I don't think you have this right...." instead we just have to trust that He knows what He is doing. (Trust me...I am preaching to myself here.) With that, I still believe we can wait anxiously. Anxiously awaiting our Savior and what He is to do and to bring. We can hope. We can pray. We can say, come quickly Lord Jesus, we long for your coming. BUT, trusting that He is to come, that He is to bring a mighty deliverance...that angst in waiting; it can be tough. I do believe, even in the hardest of days, in the end His timing and His best is worth the wait. I mean, we got Jesus...that is a pretty awesome gift, right?

Food for thought..more so for me. Just thought I would share. Love you all so very much and I hope you have a very Merry Christmas wherever you are.

Idealistic or Hopeful?

2010-12-18T09:12:00.000-08:00

I am in a season in which two very valuable things to me are being and have been sacrificed. One not so voluntarily, and the other, after much prayer, wrestling and much fight, voluntarily given up. I do not know what this season will bring about in my life. One has already happened, one will in the next couple of months. Obedience seems to be the word that comes to the forefront of my mind here lately. Not in a self-righteous, man, I am awesome way kind of way, but in a humble, I know this is my only option and the Lord will bless it kind of way. This has been a season where I have no clue what the Lord is up to, but I also know He is out for my good, and I am learning that more and more every day. Like really, really learning that...even in the super hard lessons (which seem to be the theme this year). With that though, I do not think I would want to take back this entire year. If I look back from last year at this time, things that have happened have shaped and molded me into who I believe the Lord is making me into. I do not love some of the things that have happened, and understanding seems to be bit by bit, and just sometimes overrated because I do not know if I will understand for quite some while, but again, I know they have to be for a purpose.

Both of these things have been things that, in hopes of letting go, there is hope for some greater plan, greater happiness and more so greater joy in Christ. When it comes down to it, that is all I am living for...

It has taken me about 3 years and 7 months (yes, I counted it...this is why journals are good!) to get to this point and it has been nothing short of a journey. Literally there has been a lot that has happened in these 3 years and 7 months, but as I approach every new day the Lord begins to reveal more and more of this awesome puzzle that He is putting together. (The puzzle being ME!;)) I am encouraged during this time with the scripture He so readily makes available to me. 1 John 3:19-21 says,
"By this we shall know that we are of truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything."
God knows everything in my heart. From my deepest desire to know and love him and to bring Him glory with my life, to my desire for Him to allow and bring my sweet one and future beloved into my life so I can love, build up HIm up and who will also take care of me and try to love me as Christ loves the church. (Have you ever thought of how huge of a task this is women...I mean seriously, think on that. Men have a huge task ahead of them in marriage). A desire for the Lord to bring someone with an unquenchable passion for Him into my life who wants to be with me. HE knows that I desire that. He knows all the desires of my heart and I am rest assured that if these deep-seeded heart desires do not match His will for my life then He WILL change those desires. For He is good and does good and will not let his child suffer. He knows what He is doing.
2 Timothy 2:13 says,
"If we are faithless, he remains faithful."
That alone is one of the most encouraging things I know of. When I look at other's circumstances around me (even my pastor of almost 4 and 1/2 years Matt Chandler and his wife Lauren) they have had much heavier of things to bear then what I have felt as though I have had to "endure". Sometimes I can be a bit dramatic, however I have had to go through trials that have been very hard for me. There have been (and still are) times when it is easy for me to faithless. It is sometimes easier (or so I think at the time..) to take the faithless, hopeless, "everything is awful' route. But, when I really think about it, and think on it...is that really the easier route? I think not. All that develops is a bitter and resentful heart that is not characteristic of the woman I long to be.
At times, I think I am the girl who people think needs to "get a grip" or one that seems to hold some very idealistic ideals of life and hope for seemingly impossible things. I am not realistic some people have said. But isn't that what Christ is in the business of doing...making the impossible possible? Of restoration? If he takes my mourning and turns it into dancing. If he takes my weeping and turns into laughing and most of all if He takes my sadness and turns it into joy, isn't that the same God that can make all things new and make hope something that is tangible?
I tell my kids every day to believe in the impossible. I encourage them to know how wonderful they are. To focus on things they have control over and not only achieve those, but dream big. Hope. Love others and believe there is a greater plan for your life than what you can see right now. Sometimes I think the Lord brought me into teaching because maybe I do have a somewhat idealistic view on life. I was thinking about this a lot in the past few weeks, and then the thought came to mind- maybe it is not an idealistic view I have on life, but rather, maybe, just maybe it is Christ's joy in my life and the Hope for what is to come and my hope in Him. How awesome would it be if I could really say that and constantly live in that abundant joy?
Listen, I don't know why I am 25, still single, living alone, and so busy that I do not have time to turn around at the moment instead of being a married woman of 25 living with her sweet hubby and baby(ha, that is where I thought I would be at this point)...but this is where the Lord has me. They say acceptance is important and I think that is where I am right now. I am hopeful for what is to come, hopeful that hte Lord is to do a GREAT work in me that will solely glorify Him and also in the lives of those closest around me. I am thankful He is allowing the fog to lift from a very cloudy and unsure season...even if it is just for today. Paul Tripp said on Sunday at church, "God will take us where we have not intended to go so that He can produce in you what you could not acheive on your own." He calls this uncomfortable grace. If that is what He is calling me to, then I will choose to rejoice in that and be expectant when He brings a conclusion and some sort of understanding to this time.

Hallelujah, He makes all things new. You bring restoration, Sweet Jesus.

Understanding is becoming Overrated ;)

2010-11-24T10:59:00.000-08:00

There are times when I long for the old. Maybe not necessarily what used to be, but more for simplicity. Something that just calms your heart. A warm cup of coffee, and book, and no worries. I have been having a real time of reflection and thinking upon life and where the Lord has me right now, where I long to be, what my wants and desires are, and just where I am realistically. I think it is okay to dream. To want for the future and even get excited about what the future might hold, but I also try to keep my heart grounded. I try not to get in that all-encompassing daydream for the future. I try not to get ahead of where the Lord has me right now, even at times I think it may be a little easier to look past where I am right now and think on the future.

I have been praying a lot here lately about what the Lord wants me to do with this time that I have right now. I feel like some big decisions are around the corner, and just asking Him to show me where He desires to use me and what He desires to do with my time and my heart and my energies. That prayer being something that has been becoming a recurrent theme here in the past week especially, the Lord gently slapped me across the face last night with an answer. It seems to be the answer that has also become a recurrent theme in the past month and a half. This theme in my life is not something that I really love because I am not very good at it. It is called...drum roll please...waiting patiently. Waiting on the Lord and the Lord, ALONE. Have you ever been in a time of waiting?

I have the opportunity to speak in a conference for teen girls coming up very soon. To tell you that I am excited about this would be the understatement of the century. I have felt like the Lord would have me work and share my story with teen girls for a VERY, very long time. Over and over again I have felt the Lord speak this into my heart, especially when I was in the midst of a battle with my flesh over a serious stronghold. I have felt he would use me for Him in some sort of way with what I have struggled with in the past. Out of nowhere, quite frankly, I was asked to be apart of this conference. I get to speak to teen girls about eating issues and really more about the idols we hold in our hearts and how we put them upon the throne of our hearts instead of our Sweet Jesus. I get to talk about my journey and how the Lord has wooed me to Himself. As I was searching though my journals of the past 5-6 years, the Lord really showed me something I could truly use where i am right now. He also showed me how much of a pattern He has with me. Literally in ALL of my journals the phrase "wait patiently" was written over and over again. Crazy, right? Over and over and over again, here lately the Lord shows me He has a plan with what He is doing in me and through me and will do for me if I would just trust him and WAIT on Him. Not wait on a specific person, but wait on Him. Another word that was constantly written over and over and over again was the word trust. As I was going through my 11 journals I was amazed at 1- how much the Lord has chosen to do (and I don't say this in a prideful way, I say this in a the Lord is awesome because I was an absolute MESS) and 2- how much of what He has said in the past is still so relate able to where I am right now and 3- how the Lord has done what He has spoken to my heart so far.

I think in a time of uncertainty the Lord has been so gracious to let some things happen for me that are things I have prayed over for years. He has allowed some things to come into my life and has shown me even when I am in a desperate cry of uncertainty and misunderstanding that He is on the throne, He knows what He is doing, and He will do what He has promised. I may not get to choose how that looks or what or when that will be, but He has a plan and He is not someone who gives empty promises. It is not a coincidence that I have kept journals over the trials of life and my everyday and where the Lord has brought me from. It is not coincidence that the Lord had Autumn ask me to be apart of the conference. It is not coincidence that there are phrases written over and over and over again in my journals that the Lord is speaking into my heart right now. The Lord is good and gracious and does not change. He longs for his children to be secure in HIm. And Him alone. Not a dream, but in Him.

Have you ever been in a place where the Lord, even though speaking so gently to your heart, has to absolutely flood you with the truth of who He is? The Lord loves me so much because I know He is doing this. In times of sadness or times of loss or uncertainty which is where I am at right now or feel like I am at right now, the Lord shows me His love has not grown cold. Last night in some serious time of prayer I was praying that the Lord would show me where He wants me. It doesn't matter where I want to be, but where does he want me? What does HE want me to do? I have come to a point of frustration with myself and I just really, really want to do what HE wants...not me. Because His will is going to prevail at all costs, so regardless of what I may want to happen or what I may desire, I think it would be MUCH easier to just submit to His plan for me. What is it, I ask over and over and over again. What do you desire for me to learn, what do you desire to do in this time?! After I prayed these words last night I looked up Streams in the Desert. What was the devotional entitled, "Wait on God's Time'. It was about Sarah and Abraham. "If God had told Abraham in Haran that he must wait for thirty years until he pressed the promised child to his bosom, his heart would have failed him. So, in gracious love, the length of the weary years was hidden, and only as they were nearly spent, and there were only a few more month to sait, God told him that "according to the time of life, Sarah shall have a son" (Gen 18:14).

"Take heart, waiting one, thou waitest for One who cannot disappoint thee; and who will not be five minutes behind the appointed moment; ere long "your sorrow shall be turned into joy".

As if that was not enough, I went to my bed got out my Bible and my Charles Spurgeon devotional and started to read and digest it. "Get thee up into the high mountain." Isaiah 40:9 "Rouse yourself, O believer, from your low condition! Cast away your sloth, your lethargy, your coldness, or whatever interferes with your pure love for Christ, your soul's Husband. What beguiles you into such folly that you remain in the pit when you may sit on a throne? Do not live in the lowlands of bondage now that mountain liberty has been conferred on you. Do not be satisfied any long with your dwarfish attainments, but press forward to more sublime and heavenly things.

I went on to read Isaiah 40:9-319 Get you up to a high mountain,
O Zion, herald of good news; [1]
lift up your voice with strength,
O Jerusalem, herald of good news; [2]
lift it up, fear not;
say to the cities of Judah,
“Behold your God!”
10 Behold, the Lord God comes with might,
and his arm rules for him;
behold, his reward is with him,
and his recompense before him.
11 He will tend his flock like a shepherd;
he will gather the lambs in his arms;
he will carry them in his bosom,
and gently lead those that are with young.

12 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand
and marked off the heavens with a span,
enclosed the dust of the earth in a measure
and weighed the mountains in scales
and the hills in a balance?
13 Who has measured [3] the Spirit of the Lord,
or what man shows him his counsel?
14 Whom did he consult,
and who made him understand?
Who taught him the path of justice,
and taught him knowledge,
and showed him the way of understanding?
15 Behold, the nations are like a drop from a bucket,
and are accounted as the dust on the scales;
behold, he takes up the coastlands like fine dust.
16 Lebanon would not suffice for fuel,
nor are its beasts enough for a burnt offering.
17 All the nations are as nothing before him,
they are accounted by him as less than nothing and emptiness.

18 To whom then will you liken God,
or what likeness compare with him?
19 An idol! A craftsman casts it,
and a goldsmith overlays it with gold
and casts for it silver chains.
20 He who is too impoverished for an offering
chooses wood [4] that will not rot;
he seeks out a skillful craftsman
to set up an idol that will not move.

21 Do you not know? Do you not hear?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth?
22 It is he who sits above the circle of the earth,
and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers;
who stretches out the heavens like a curtain,
and spreads them like a tent to dwell in;
23 who brings princes to nothing,
and makes the rulers of the earth as emptiness.

24 Scarcely are they planted, scarcely sown,
scarcely has their stem taken root in the earth,
when he blows on them, and they wither,
and the tempest carries them off like stubble.

25 To whom then will you compare me,
that I should be like him? says the Holy One.
26 Lift up your eyes on high and see:
who created these?
He who brings out their host by number,
calling them all by name,
by the greatness of his might,
and because he is strong in power
not one is missing.

27 Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord,
and my right is disregarded by my God”?
28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
29 He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
30 Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

Okay, God...you have got my attention. Whatever the future holds, I know the Lord is going to do something with this time that He has me in. He will do good because He is good. And I also believe He will continue to nail this into my head until I believe Him. Oh, simplicity in Him. Oh, to not only KNOW He is better and His plans are better, to BELIEVE Him.

Wanted to share how sweet our God is to me. Love you all, and HAPPY Thanksgiving! love love love you.
Ash

Death to a plan.

2010-11-07T19:13:00.000-08:00

I will be 25 this month. I have always been a planner. Not the kind of planner that just writes in her planner every now and again. Nope. I am the girl that not only writes in her planner, but color-codes it, and also likes to know months and sometimes even a year in advance of what is going to happen-- sometimes I think that is to protect myself and my heart. When something happens to a plan that I have had in place, I tend to get a little rattled. Especially when it is a deep-seeded, in my heart, really think it is going to happen plan. I am at a crossroads in a sense with that right now. Something has happened that I did not plan for and has completely shaken the whole "plan" I had in my head of what was to happen and what was to be, and even what I thought the Lord had for me. Things have been shaken in my life and "plans" that I had for my life and what was going on have drastically changed.

What do you do when your plans change? Are you one who doesn't really mind that, and just kind of goes with the flow? See, I am not like that. In the particular situation I am in, I can honestly say I have had to fight every fiber of my being not to do things that would cause my heart pain in the end by me trying to control the situation. You see, today though, I realized I was still trying to control some part of the plan I thought was to be in place. Today, I realized I have not given my "plan" to God. Instead, I have clung onto it for dear life in fear that if I let go of this plan, let go of this dream if you will, then it will not come back around. That it will not come to fruition and that I will look like a stupid and silly girl. once again. in that, I realized that there lies the problem. I may have given a lot of what is going on over to God, and He has given me peace through a lot of my situation I am in right now, but there is still this part of me that is trying to control it. Maybe not an outward part of me that is physically doing something, but rather my heart...by its hurt I am clinging on to this fear, and in that fear I have thought that if I just cling to this plan that somehow, that will make it okay. That eventually, if I hang on to this plan, maybe I won't be wrong. Maybe, just maybe, something will happen. That is very wrong thinking. And I realized that today. I have to give my WHOLE heart to God, and with that that means every single "plan" I have for the future and what I have and want for myself. The Lord knows my desires, so surely He knows I have this magical "plan" for myself. So far, every plan, especially relationship wise have yet to work out for me. I watch my friends and family members whom are married. Some of babies now. Some of are trying for babies, and some are just in the "thinking about babies" stage. I watch how in love they are. I watch how they get to dream and plan together. How they get to rely on each other and support each other. I watch how they get to grow together...and I think I get a little jealous. I wonder, why can't that happen to me? Lord, why do I have to feel like that stupid, silly girl/friend that just hopes for that?

Today I called my daddy. He knows me better than most people. It is almost annoying. He literally can predict my movements and it absolutely makes me mad. He gives me his opinions that also tend to make me mad, because he does not really sugar-coat anything. Rather he gives it straight to me. What I have to come to learn is there are times when he is wrong. He is not always right, but most times, more than not, he is right, especially when it comes to what I might be doing in a situation. Today I called him very upset. In his tender, yet tough voice he asked me why I was so upset. I went on to tell him. After talking and crying on the phone to him, he went on to tell me that, "Ash, what are you so scared of? What are you holding on to? What is wrong with you being wrong? Why do you always have a plan? You clearly aren't trusting God with yourself and you are holding on to this plan you have for yourself for dear life? What is that helping? Who is that helping? That is clearly not helping you, but rather destroying you a little bit every day. Let go of the plan. Ash, if you keep getting in the way, if you keep holding on to this idea of what might happen, or what could of happened, you are going to have a hard time getting on with your life and letting what is supposed to happen happen. Has God ever hurt you? He is not about to start. He has you, Ash, He has you." This was a pretty big conversation for my dad and I. We spoke for a long time about this. We talked about my feelings and what I feel like the Lord has been telling me, and then the dreaded subject...this plan I have had for myself. He gave me some hard truths because he loved me today. I cannot always take what he says as complete and utter truth because he is human, just like everyone else, but today he helped me.

I had a plan. it is not the plan anymore. even if no one else knew this plan, I had it in my mind, and the Lord knows my heart, thus He knew what I had planned for my life. I don't think there is a problem with having a plan...it is just when you aren't flexible with those plans that it starts to be (and is) very harmful to yourself. If I truly believe His promises, if I truly believe everything my Lord and God is telling me during this time of sadness for my heart, and this time of really, really having to trust Him above everything else. Then I have to let this plan die. I have to believe that the Lord is good. That He is gracious. That He will not take me somewhere I am not supposed to be, but rather He will lead me right to where He wants me and it will all be for my good. I cannot throw this pity-party for myself where I feel sad and call myself a stupid girl and think that this is somehow going to help me. That isn't believing God. That is prideful Ash feeling bad for herself because her "plan' and what she wanted did not work out this time. That is not giving into the peace that the Lord has given me that passes all understanding...that is me taking 12 giant steps back and choosing to live in the fear of what could be, or what this place I am in means.

All I have heard in the last month has been certain phrases over and over and over again. It has ALL been Jesus. Faith. Hope. Wait. Waiting. Wait. Faith. Believe. Belief. Faith. Hope. Wait. Wait patiently. The woman must wait. Wait. Wait patiently, I have a plan for your life. God has not forgotten he has engraved your name upon his hands. Hope. Believe in MY promises. Believe Me. Have Faith. Wait, Ash. Wait. Wait paitently. Do not lose heart. Have faith in what I have told you. Have faith in WHO I AM.....over and over and over and over again. As I am typing this, it is almost just silly that I have moments of disbelief or loss of hope. To write everything that I feel like the Lord has shown me and that He has shown me would take a wayyy longer blog post then what you want to read, or probably I want to type.

A few things though I do want to share. Tonight I went to a live recording of a worship CD at the Oaks Church. This is the church that Bethany Dillon and Shane and Shane go to and help lead at. Tonight was much needed. Almost every single verse that they had that flashed up were verses the Lord has given me over the last month. Not even joking...gotta love when the Lord does that. I truly believe with all my heart there are no coincidences, especially when you are walking through a time of trial and perhaps hurt. Tonight they talked about fear. They talked about healing. Then they talked about God delivered them and healed them in the sense of that he healed the fear in their hearts and gave them a peace that passes all understanding. They also talked about after trusting God and after He gave them this peace, that He also healed their hurts. We sang that God is good. We sang that there is only one word that can save us...Jesus. Tonight was needed, especially after this afternoon, because the thing is, I am holding on to this fear. As much as God has been soooo gracious to me during a hard time I am going through right now, I have not allowed that peace to absolutely flood me because I am so fearful of letting go of this plan. Of looking silly to others. Of feeling silly and being sad and letting go of this "idea" I have and want so badly. But, what I realized today is I can still have hope and believe in what the Lord has told me, but I must be open to what the Lord has for me. I can still have and trust in what I think my sweet and loving Jesus is telling me without having a plan. My plans have obviously not worked up until now, so why start thinking they will work now?

Some things I have read and have stuck with me in the past month-
"I know that waiting on God requires willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts. It is easy to talk oneself into a decision that has no permanence- easier sometimes than to wait patiently."
Truly my heart waits silently for God;
my deliverance comes from Him.
In truth he is my rock and deliverance,
my tower of strength, so that I stand unshaken....
Trust always in God, my people,
pour out your hearts behome him;
God is our shelter.

Waiting silently is the hardest of all. - Elisabeth Elliot, "Passion and Purity"

No good thing does the Lord withhold from those who walk uprightly. Psalm 84:11

Therefore brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, bu the new and living way he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God Let us draw near with a true heart and full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering for he who promised IS faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together as is the habit of some, but encouraging one anotehr and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. Hebrews 10:19-25

Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the Olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, and I Will take joy in the God of my salvation. Habakkuk 3:17-18

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage, wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14

Blessed be the Lord! for he has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy. The Lord is my strength, and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped and my heart exults, with my song and I give thanks to him. Psalm 28:6-7

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing us for eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen, but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"What we have known of our faithful God proves that He will keep us to the end. Let us not, then, reason to the contrary to evidence. How can we ever be so ungenerous as to doubt our God? Lord, throw down the Jezebel of our unbelief and let the dogs devour it." Charles Spurgeon

"God is very good to those who trust in Him, and He often surprises them with unlooked-for blessings. Little do we know what may happen ut us tomorrow, but this sweet fact may encourage us: not good thing will be withheld from us. (Psalm 84:11) Chance is banished from the faith of Christians, for they see the hand of God in everything. The trivial events of today and tomorrow may involve consequences of the highest importance. O Lord, you graciously deal with your servants as you did with Ruth." Spurgeon

And from my beloved Beth Moore, and believing God. This is a creed that she asks us to adopt while reading and praying through her book and study-
God is who He says He is.
God can do what He says He can do.
I am who God says I am.
I can do all things through Christ.
God's word is alive and active in me.

And lastly,
"I am who I am" Exodus 3:14

Who am I to question God? Who am I to have a plan and think it is better than what He is choosing to allow me to go through right now? The most obvious answer to that question is I am not God and I do not know what is best for me, and to truly believe that I must let go of my plan. Oh, growth...it hurts, but it is for our good and will ultimately deliver better results than I could have hoped for. I must trust in that. I must trust in Jesus and what He has told me...but most of all, I must trust in WHO HE IS. Not in a stupid plan I thought I had for myself and thought would work out. Many are the plans of a man's heart, but the Lord's purpose will prevail. I pray that this is not something that I just blog about, but rather, I walk in and believe and pray from here on out.

Amen. Thanks for listening.

an unexpected gift

2010-11-05T15:07:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have those weeks where they feel like they have lasted a month? Well, this is how I have felt this week. It has not only been emotionally and mentally draining, but I think I have just reached my breaking point in how exhausted I am. Sometimes I am so very thankful for how busy I am. I am one of those personalities that likes to throw myself into things and likes to be busy (even though I am sure I am complain about it at times...maybe too much). Here lately I think I have been on overload, though. Work has been absolutely crazy, and as much as I love my girls, it is getting to that time of year where the holiday season looks beautiful because it is time for a break for all of us from each other. But, it is also playoff season. Playoff season is dreaded. Not because I do not want my school to do well, but because it is trips taken that are far away from home in which we do not stay the night (which I am glad) but rather ride on a bus to and from these events and do not get home until super late. Then after this we have school the next day and usually still have cheerleading the next day. Needless to say, I get to see a lot of Texas during this time, and although it may be fun the first trip, it gets wearisome after the first longer-distance trip to cheer a game.

This week has been emotionally exhausting for many reasons, some not all bad, but I think when you add all of this emotion into you being so exhausted and quite frankly a little overworked, you (I) get into a place that is not the best. Today I had the thought that I am not that nice of a person when I am exhausted and don't feel well. (Oh, yes, I have been running a 100 degree temp the past few days too! Oh, the weather this season;)) ALL this to say, I wanted to share an encouraging tidbit with you. Not a depressing ones even though it seems that I have just complained for a couple of paragraphs. I do not think I have blogged about this, but I had a student whom I love that through a series of events in which I will not talk about on here, was incarcerated. I love this kid, and it was very sad to see some of it go down as well as hear about a lot of it. This week, I got a letter from him...from prison. Some people might find it a little crazy that I got excited about this, but this kid remembered me enough to write me a letter!? He started it out with "Well, Miss. Kep, I never thought I would be in this type of situation that I am in. I remember one day after class you pulled me to the side to ask me about my situation or what not. It was nice to know you care." He goes on to tell me has 2 to 25 years. He told me he wrote me to say thank you and then he started in on a book he had read while in prison and that I should read it and even gave me the summary (the kids know where to get me...reading;)) but in and out of the letter he talks about how he realized he shouldn't have been into what he had been into and about his court dates and how jail is not fun. He then wrote "Miss. Kep, right now I wish I could be sitting in yo English class laughing at you telling a joke that probably wasn't funny. Just playin, but for real Miss. Kep, will you pray for me?" I share this because for me it was encouraging. Not encouraging in the sense that this baby is in jail, but encouraging in the sense that even in my worst weeks when I am feeling tired, or overworked, or see some hard things and have to make executive decisions about them, God is good to remind me that he is gracious enough to let these kiddos know I care. Even in our worst weeks, even when there does not seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel, my Lord is so gracious to remind me that He has me where I am for a reason. He has put me in this specific spot for a reason. I may go through hurt, sadness, even times where I just do not understand why I may be put through something, or why my sweet babies have to go through hard situations, but HE is GOOD. He has a plan. I mean, who would have thought I would get a letter from this kiddo?! And he asked me to pray for him? I just think my God is so good. Even in the sadness, or when I have had emotionally draining weeks in which I cannot fathom to take one more thing...he sends me gentle, sweet, and profound reminders of how good He is and how He has got me right where He wants me.

Praise his name.

A gentle reminder?

2010-10-13T21:45:00.000-07:00

There are things that I am never going to pretend to know. Why things happen the way they do, or why circumstances sometimes dictate what emotion you may have at that given moment even though you know in your heart otherwise. However, I am the personality type that does try to find out. To dig deeper, to figure out why. At times, I think this is one of the worst possible things for me. You see, I try to get ahead of the Lord in this, I guess. It is frustrating, annoying and extremely unnerving at times. Why, do I choose to want answers to questions that are beyond my knowledge or understanding? Why do I fight peace?

I do not know if you have ever been in this situation, but for me, I am starting to learn the major need in trusting in Jesus. Not just saying I trust in Jesus, but when it is being tested, actually trust, wholeheartedly in Jesus. I feel like in a sense when I am trying so hard that I am also just trying to find my own outcomes, find my own solution so that I could be better. Which in turn, is just me trying to fix myself. Ummm, I don't know if you have ever done that, but that does not exactly work. :) Good for us, we have Jesus.

I don't really have much to say tonight, other than I cannot sleep, and this is on my mind. How gracious is my sweet Father that he deals with me, and loves me and actually does not think of it as "dealing" with me, but rather loves me. He even brings so many examples of his loving kindness and what he is trying to teach me, into my life daily. Today, I was almost frustrated at how much I felt the Lord was trying to show me, yet I was constantly questioning the Lord...trying to figure it out. By this point, if you read my blog, you know I am a teacher. It has been one of the best things I have ever done. I cannot explain to you the rush I get when I teach or how often the Lord allows me to feel like I am exactly where he wants me, and where he has planned for me to be all along. That in itself is such a blessing. My babies at school have a lot of stuff going on. I mean you have a regular teenager, but then add a bit of poverty and things such as gang affiliation, drugs, no parent interaction, etc, and you have got yourself a little teenage breakdown cocktail just waiting to be mixed. One of my kids today came in crying...balling, beside herself. Through a series of events something has happened to one of her family members and he is currently in a very hard situation. Regardless of how her family member got there, she loves that member of her family. She cares for them. She desires the best for them. She is protective of them. Today, someone said something discouraging to her that rocked her to the core. She came in beside herself, and I had the opportunity to speak with her about it. There are many times the Lord allows me to talk about Him in the classroom. One of them presented itself today. I got to talk about belief, and faith, and hope that does not disappoint. We talked about faith, and what faith was. We talked about believing even when situations come up that are unexpected and uncomfortable. I felt as though, as I was speaking to this young girl, the Lord was speaking right to me saying, "Ashie, trust me. I have a plan. I always have had a plan. This is but a blip of time in your life...trust me in whatever trials you are going through. Believe what I have told you. Believe in who I am, and who I say I am. Believe and trust me. Just trust me." After our talk, that thought kept resonating with me. Right before this, a student had walked into my classroom. She is one of my students from the first year I started teaching. She is a lovely girl, whom I have had the opportunity to get ot know. She has shared much of her life with me, and I get chances to chat with her. She came into today out of no where to tell me something. I automatically assumed that something was wrong because she teared up as she began to speak. She said, "Miss. Kep, I just wanted to come and tell you how much I appreciate you. I was sitting at home this morning and Freedom Writers came on. I thought about you, and your class, and what all I have learned from you and I just wanted to say thank you. You have inspired me." Needless to say, I was taken aback. I do not share this with you to brag...but to tell you how good my God is. In times of uncertainty for me, it is easy to lean towards the edge of insecurity....or rather, jump off the cliff. I tend to stay strong for awhile, really get in the word, but I am fighting off lies like crazy. You know those lies, ladies, the lies of. "You aren't good enough", "no one loves you", "you aren't doing well at anything you are trying", "this is just going to end up bad for you...", and my personal favorite, "you should have known (enter given situation here)...how could you be so dumb". In the midst of those LIES, and let's call them out for what they are...lies, it is easy to believe them. Even if I could rationalize all day that these things are lies straight from the pit of hell, when you start to replay them over and over in your mind, you tend to see them as truth. Today, and not just in these two examples, the Lord not only let me recite truth to people and preach to the choir (that would be me:)) but also had someone come in, whom I care deeply for and want the best for, and tell me I was worth something. I do not doubt that the Lord did that on purpose. And the thing is, he did that for this unbelieving daughter. How gracious is he. For me, grasping that grace is undeserved, and that he doesn't hold things over my head is very hard for me sometimes. It isn't what I preach to others, but it is a struggle for me to accept and live in. Regardless of this, I believe the Lord is starting to work it out. It has the be a potential of hard, tough lessons, but I am hopeful of what the Lord will show me and grow me in. I am hopeful that through whatever situation he gives me, whether through school, cheer, personal, church, etc, he will show me a deeper sense of Him and His character.

Oh, how he loves us even when we are trying to believe but yet fail miserably. I heart Him...and guess what, He hearts us, too.

Love y'all. Thanks for listening.

What a difference a day makes...

2010-10-06T14:39:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I know I am a young, 3rd year teacher that might have "wild ideas" about education in my head, but I truly believe everything below.

I don't know what the future holds for me. I don't know who I will end up. One thing I do know for sure is that I want to help people. It is what I feel like I have been called to do. I feel like the Lord has called me to teach and that is how I get to help people now. I have always wanted to work with young, teenage girls, and also, just high school kids. The Lord has allowed me to do this, and for that I cannot even begin to tell you how thankful I am. Even on my worst days at work, there is still a light at the end of the tunnel because I get to do something I love so very much. And, the Lord really has given me this unreal love that comes with teaching and for these kids. A love I can only say is from Him, because in my own strength I just do not think that I could love them like I do. I want the best for them. And the Lord has even given me the babies that not everyone seems to like, ya know. The ones that sometimes are the outcasts or the ones that don't get much attention. Sometimes, I even get the little gangsters, and to be honest, they are some of my favorites. Once you get past the whole "I am tough, don't talk to me" stage, you start to see who they are. You get to know them, and you get to encourage them to be something they never thought was possible. That is why I love teaching.

Today one of my babies came in that has not been there but for about 2 class periods. Needless to say, only being there twice in a six-weeks will make your grade really, really bad. And to be honest with you, I was frustrated. I figured this child was just skipping my class and could care less about English and was just out doing stuff that was not beneficial to society. This child came in after school and asked for their makeup work. Come to find out the student was kicked out of their house and been in a shelter for 4 or 5 weeks. The student desired to catch up on their work and not be failing. The student went on to tell me more, and all I could think is wow, I cannot believe I just assumed the child was not coming to class and doing, quote unquote gang related things. I mean, why would I automatically assume that? That child has no idea I thought that(or maybe she did...), and I am willing to bet I may not have been the only teacher that thought that, but I felt so bad. That is one of the things I have been thinking about since the school day ended today. These kids desire to make something of themselves. Whether they show that or not...they do. This kid came in with a chip on their shoulder and I just assumed the worst, instead of trying to figure out what was going on. Yes, the child was out a lot, but what clarity comes when actually finding out more about the person. I would have never known that if she did not come tell me. I would have assumed she was just a kid that didn't care and was failing my class on purpose. I would say that is something that has happened to me. I didn't used to assume that about the kids that didn't come...at least I didn't my first year. Now, in my 3rd (I know that is not long...) I am already assuming such things? It makes me sad. It was a reality check.

I have also started reading a book called, "Waiting on Superman". It talks about the disconnect between the school system in America and other school systems in the world. We are falling behind because of many different things. But is also talks about some of the ways that people are trying to change the education system in America. Did you know that many places in the North have lotteries that families enter in order to get into a good school with good teachers? Absolutely breaks my heart. I am on of those people that believes in the public school system. I desire to help the kiddos that don't have much, that have been dealt a hard card in life. The babies that have to overcome many obstacles in order to succeed. It is such a joy to watch them and help them realize they are worth something. They are not what they have been told in the past. They are not failures. They will succeed, they will make something of themselves, they can make good grades, they can learn. At this point in time I believe I will always want to be a classroom teacher. I cannot imagine being in a different position, however there is so much to be done in the Education system. I watch change happen at my school, and how people react to that change. I watch the amazing people I work with who desire to show the kids they are something more than what they have been told, or what they have settled for (gang violence, drugs, alcohol, cutting, eating disorders, depression, etc). But then I watch the other teachers...the ones who are fed up. They may have once been the teachers that drove the school, but now they are frustrated and the way they channel that is by taking it out on the kids, or the other teachers in the school. It is a fine line that many teeter between. It is easy to see how people can become hardened and decide to just give up. The teachers get tired, they are overworked and underpaid. (I am not necessarily talking about me...I mean, I am single and make enough money to support myself, so I feel fine) When things change it is easy to breakdown, to look at what is wrong with the process and pick it apart.
side note- my district has just adopted new curriculum, starting a new test while still giving the standardized test the kiddos have to take this year, and adopted new textbooks. Needless to say, the teachers are tired and seem to get frustrated with the time lines and the new things that are given to them.
But, what I wish we could see is the district is trying to change. That is my opinion. It may not be the way you individually would have done it, but things are being handed down because there is a desire for the kids to learn, for the kids to achieve more, to become rigorous well-rounded individuals. I wish everyone would stop taking it out on one another. It is so frustrating to me to see professionals do that to one another. To hurt each other because they are mad at a situation. They talk and rant and rave about everything that is wrong and go against the system instead of just trying it. Instead of trying to change it, we want to do the same thing we have done in the past. Do we do that because we are afraid of change? I am fully confident in the school I work in. I see the people, whether they are frustrated, and I really would be willing to bet that the majority of them really do care and want the best for the kids. They teach at the best of their ability and go over and beyond what they are asked to do. We all have bad days. We all have days and wonder...what the heck am I doing here? But, on those days I hope we remember the students like came into my classroom after school today. Most of our babies, whether they come up and talk to you about it or not...have a reason they might be falling short. They are capable. We can help them. Even in our most frustrating times...we are there for a reason. You are valuable. The kids we teach are valuable. What you do is valuable. Sometimes, we just need a reality check.

at a loss

2010-09-30T14:48:00.001-07:00

At a loss for words here lately. I think I have gotten here quite a few times to write, and as I am writing I realize that what I am typing may not be that interesting, or is complaining or just have had a hard time finishing posts. Hopefully, I will finish this one. Today was one of those days where I came to a lot of conclusions about myself. Not necessarily bad, but just coming to realize who exactly I am, and what I probably cannot be, and maybe a little bit of what I may eventually be capable of. Cheerleading has taken over much of my time in the past 6 weeks. And let me tell you, it has been a fast and furious and hard 6 weeks, but I think it is finally starting to slow down. I hope anyways...;). I don't know exactly what I was expecting as a first year head coach, but I do not think I was expecting exactly all that has come with this job. I constantly running with a chicken with her head cut off (but as the weeks have gone by, a much more GRACEFUL chicken with her head cut off) and I have learned a lot about myself in these 6 weeks. I have learned that insecurities come out a flyin' when you are faced with a very hard challenge you don't know if you can get through. I have learned, once again, the Lord is always there and always, always takes care of me. In a couple of situations this year I have become extremely frustrated and have questioned that a bit. I have questioned the whole, God is out for our good thing. I know, that is terrible, but there it is. It is something that I have struggled with for quite awhile. I feel like the Lord is constantly trying to hammer this into my head, and little hard headed Ash tends to need hard lessons to learn this. It is super frustrating on my end at times/extremely cool how the Lord works these things out and shows me. It is always hard, but it is frustrating because I feel like I should know this by now. After all that the Lord has taken me through, you think by this point I would know and BELIEVE that He is out for my good, right? Wrong, hard-headed Ash is constantly doubting. I just have gotten so annoyed with myself about this. I am constantly asking for reassurance, constantly questioning, instead of just believing that the Lord has got it and being secure in Him. Oh, the lessons that I have yet to learn. In the same way though, it has been extremely cool to see the Lord working in and around my life through all of this and other such things He has placed in my life. When I take myself out of the picture, stop being so selfish, and look at what is going around me, I will see He is out for my good and out for all our, as believers, good. He is so stinkin' good I think that is when the frustration hits. When will I actually start believing that?! Knowing that every single day, no matter the trial, or what small or big thing is going on, He is out for our Good and for His glory. When will that be enough? Today was one of those days where I feel like my sense of entitlement was magnified and I was reminded how selfish I actually am. First it was the still small voice about a situation, then it was my sweet boyfriend bringing something to my attention, and then it was me seeing some of the hurts that my girls are going through and dealing with at such a young age. All of that coupled together is the Lord out for my good. Out to teach me, mold me, refine me; make me into something beautiful. I am thankful for that. I am thankful He loves me enough to continually show me things about me and also that are outside of me and point me to Him. He has beyond blessed me with the people in my life. Even in the hard times, even when cheerleading is pushing me past the point of frustration, and even when I am at happiest, He has it all under control. He knows what He is doing. He is out for my good. Oh, that I would keep pressing into that fact, and that I would truly believe it.

"Hush now, put that thought down.."

2010-08-15T19:08:00.001-07:00

Have you ever imagined what life would be like without a season change? How greatly our moods might be affected if there was never a change. If there was only super hot summers or bitterly cold, dreary winters. Even the most perfect fall days might become tiresome due to them becoming just ordinary to us. I have been thinking a lot on this here lately. I don't know if the weather has prompted this in me due to the fact that it has been a sweltering 100-something degrees and no matter where you go you are reminded how happy you are that it will be getting cooler sometime in the near future. It is almost like that reprieve is encouraging in some sort of way, even in the midst of the 100 degree weather. The Lord has done a lot in my heart this past year. Where I was a year ago and where I am now are completely different heart postures. He has brought people in and out of my life that have really showed me different things and he has also taken me through times that were hard and tiresome and has brought me to the other side of them within the past year. It is interesting to me how sweet and gracious our God is. He continually amazes me in how He loves me and pursues me even though I am sinful. I am constantly insecure or fearful in situations, but continues to surround me with truth and love this child of his who doesn't always believe or trust Him. Here lately, the Lord has really been talking to me about Trust and belief. Many times I say that I believe that the Lord is in control or that I truly trust what the Lord is doing, when in all actuality believing God and believing in God are two very different things. God, has been showing me a lot of this this past summer. To be quite honest with you, when things go good for me, I am very skeptical on how they will end up. Whether that be relationships, or school, or really anything in my life. I have learned to play out the worst possible scenario to "protect" myself in case something really bad happens. This might come because that is the way that I decided to "protect" myself after some stuff happened that I had never planned on happening in my life. Who knows, but regardless of how or why I started doing this, the Lord and some of my very close friends have called me out on this this past summer. My dad actually called me out on it as well (My Dad is good at calling me out on such things...;)). The more that I have been called out on this by the people whom I love, I have also lovingly been called out by my Heavenly Father. I swear, every time I was called out about such things there was some sort of scripture that was in my Bible study that day or that before I spoke with my friends about what trust and belief looks like. Just saying I believe God does not really mean that I am trusting him with what he is doing and actually believe in what I think He has been showing me. Convicting for sure. God has been so gracious to me. He has far exceeded any plans I would have had for myself at this point in my life. Yes, there were a few things in college and right out of college that I may not have planned out personally for myself, but how gracious He has been to bring out about a life that I could have never imagined. I am doing something I love. I LOVE to teach. LOVE it. The Lord has allowed me to do something that I have dreamed about since I was 5, literally. I love how the Lord has stirred my affections for Him through the profession He has chosen to allow me to be apart of. I have always had such a heart for ministry and for youth, and He has allowed me to do coach young girls, use my personal experiences to talk and relate with them and love on them. He has allowed me to be in a school where the kids are not loved on too much by their parents, and let's face it, if you know me you know how much I like to tell you I love you or how much I want you to know how special you are, and I get to do that on a daily basis with these kiddos!! AND, I get to teach English. And I love that part of it, too. I say all this, because I was thinking on how easily I choose to believe that something bad is going to happen. Yet, the Lord has OBVIOUSLY taken care of me, even when things have not gone as planned. Who am I to question my sovereign King?? Seriously, the Lord has overwhelmingly been showing me these FACTS about who He is and who I say He is, and who I choose to believe He is. I think it is easy to doubt, but as women, I think we are especially susceptible to worry, doubt, fear, etc. We choose to dwell on the "what ifs" or how we may feel like we don't measure up, or what we lack, rather than focusing on what the Lord has showed us or the certainty of God's promises. How different would our lives be if we lived in constant belief that Christ is true to His Word. That He has every intention of making his name renown, and that He has paid the ultimate price for our salvation and that he knows every hair on our head. I mean, if the Lord knows that, and cares enough to know that, surely He cares about how I am doing and knows the plans He has for me.
The Lord had me turn to Hebrews 6:10-20 the other day. Honestly, I turned to the wrong book and started reading and thought, MAN Lord that is awesome and totally what I needed to hear, but didn't really fit exactly with what the question asked me in the Bible study, only to realize I turned to the wrong book. But, I also needed to read what I accidentally turned to. ha, I LOVE when the Lord does that! So cool and totally not coincidental if you ask me. ;)
Anyways, Hebrews 6 is talking about the certainty of God's Promise. In my walk with Christ, the Lord has constantly pointed me towards such men as Moses and Abraham in my studies. I don't know why that is, other than I have a lot to learn, and these men are great examples of faith and also what to do, but also how they reacted and how things happened because they reacted in certain ways.

"For God is not so unjust to overlook your work and the love that you showed for his sake in serving the saints, as you still do. And we desire each one of you to show the same earnestness to have the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you may not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises. For when God made a promise to Abraham, since he had no one greater by woe to swear, he swore by himself, saying, "Surely I will bless you and multiply you." And thus Abraham, having patiently waited, obtained the promise. For people swear by something greater than themselves, and in all their disputes an oath is final for confirmation. So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek."
Hebrews 6:10-20

I guess the point of this post is to say, Why don't I believe in what the Lord is doing more? Why don't I trust that He has put me here for a reason, and He will not lead me astray. Why do I not trust, that at times, even if things are hard or difficult to walk through, that He will bring me out of it and into another season. Why do I not believe that He longs to love me and bless faithfulness? Probably because I know I can be wayward. BUT, the Lord is sweet to forgive us and to love us even though He knows we are not perfect and that we are going to mess up. I can rest in the fact that He knows my heart and because of that and despite that, He still loves me. That, to me, is the best news I have ever heard. And even if something happens where things don't go as planned, I have Christ. Shouldn't that be enough? It just makes me giddy knowing the Lord loves me THAT much. How, sweet He is. and OH, how He loves us. If only I would live my life out daily believing that and understanding that today was given as a gift to live out of Him and that He knows that He is doing FAR better than I ever will or plan. How different I would live.

I leave you with some lyrics from a song that I am LOVING right now. For any women that read this blog, I HIGHLY recommend this CD. You can get it on Itunes and it is Donna Stuart's "Help Me Believe". Here are some of the lyrics...or, well I tried. ;) Ha, I couldn't find all the lyrics. BUT LISTEN TO HER CD, LADIES...you won't regret it! :)

This is from Blue Skies-
Quiet now, calm down, I am not going, going anywhere.
Get up now, I know you fell down, you were never meant to stay there.
Dust your knees, look at me, no I am not disappointed.
Have faith in me, please believe, I am not here, I'm not to condemn.

I am your blue skies through clouds of rain
I am your lamb of promise that I will stay
I want you to remain. I want you to obey. Me.

Hush now, put that thought down, that's not who, who you really are.
Come now, I will show you how, I will show you how to keep in step with the Spirit in your heart.

Put your hope in me. Put your trust in me. Put your hope in me. Put your Trust in me.

I LOVE YOUUUU ALL! :)
ash:)

A heavy-hearted request:)

2010-08-04T12:15:00.000-07:00

One of the things about getting older is that there is more of a chance, or so it seems, that as you get older people close to you may pass away. Or at least, the possibility of this happening seems much closer than it used to be due to deteriorating health of family members, or other such factors. So is true with my Papa. My Papa has been very sick for awhile and without going into huge detail, is once again about to have a surgery that is very dangerous. It is not necessarily a dangerous surgery in the sense where many people do not make it, but rather is a surgery that is risky for him. For awhile now my Papa has been sick. He has had a plethora of things he has been sick with including infasima, heart attacks and disease, and cancer...twice. Somehow, though God's grace, he has come out of all these things. After awhile though, it is bound to wear on a person. Around Christmas time we found out that his heart was beating at a very low percentage. My Papa has been saved multiple times by his heart defibrillator. It has now been so overworked, due to his heart needing this miracle of a contraption, that he is having to have it replaced tomorrow. This surgery, from what I have been told, is done many times a day on many different people, without a problem. Papa is a high risk patient, though. He has many different issues with his health and putting him under and then stopping his heart to take the old defibrillator out, and put the new defibrillator in, will be a risk. But, it is a risk that he has chosen to take, because without it, his unit is bad and could possibly not save him once again if his heart is to go out.

What I would like to ask you for today is prayer. I don't really know what kind of prayers to ask for. Maybe some prayers of peace for my Grandma (Norma) and my Papa (people call him Kep). I can't possibly know what my Papa and Grandma are feeling, but I do know it is likely to be a hard morning tomorrow, either way. There is sure to be some heavy-heartiness on both sides and rightfully so. I have watched my grandma say bye to my Papa twice before major surgeries. This kind of broke my heart both times and so, in thinking on that today I thought the best thing I could do was ask for prayer. (They have been married for 50 years). I would like to ask that you pray for my Dad (Bob) and my Aunt Kathy and their spouses tomorrow. Aunt Kathy and Dad and my mom have been through this several times, and I don't think that necessarily makes any of this easier. As heavy-hearted as I am about this today, he is not my dad, so I am not quite sure how I would be feeling if that was the case. Please be in prayer for my cousins as well, Sam and Jen and then my bro Bj. Pretty much the whole fam.

As I was thinking this morning, I was trying to think of some sort of gift that I could get my Papa. I am one of those people that likes to give gifts. Maybe it is one of my love languages, who knows, but it is what I do when I am at a loss for words, or just feel like a person needs a pick-me-up, etc. The only thing I have come up with is scripture. That is only comforting thing. In the midst of all this, I have been thinking, what do people do without Christ? When all is falling apart, when there seems to be a fork in the road and you are unsure of the way it will go, who do they look to? I just really, really am thankful for the Lord in my life and in my families life. I am thankful that both my grandparents know the Lord and that I have gotten to watch my grandpa come sooooo much closer to the Lord than he used to be. I have really, really been encouraged by his relationship with Christ and in watching him grow through all this. I venture to say that without all this sickness that has happened, I do not know if he would be in the same place with the Lord. The Lord surely takes us through refining periods, and my Papa has been put through it. But through that refining he has come out beautiful and with scars but stories to tell and love to give and share. He has been such a HUGE part of my families life. A rock...and I really do mean that. He has been there and supported and encouraged so many members of my family. The thing about tomorrow is it could go great. It could be a 30-45 minute surgery with no complications and his ticker may start tickin' like it has never before. However, there is a chance it might go south. So, the reason for this post is just to convey to you how much I would appreciate prayer. I am not trying to be dramatic or say that something bad is going to happen to him, and I have faith that the Lord know exactly what He is doing and loves my Papa and my Grandma, and knows what is best. His plans are not mine and I am well aware of that. I would just really appreciate prayer tomorrow.

My Papa's surgery is scheduled for 8:30 a.m. tomorrow morning at Baylor Dallas. His team of doctors are amazing and have worked with him several times. Please pray for their hands and minds tomorrow as they do this operation. My Papa has to be at the hospital tomorrow morning at around 5 or 5:30 a.m. I believe, so prayer today as well, would be great...

I will leave you with the below devotional that I did the other morning. I just found it to be encouraging/exactly what I feel like the Lord has been showing me lately. Maybe this will not be such a depressing end to a blog.

Ruth 2:17
So she gleaned in the field until even.

Let me learn from Ruth, the gleaner. As she went out to gather the ears of corn, so must I go forth into the fields of prayer, meditation, the ordinances, and hearing the word to gather spiritual food. The gleaner gathers her portion ear by ear; her gains are little by little: so must I be content to search for single truths, if there be no greater plenty of them. Every ear helps to make a bundle, and every gospel lesson assists in making us wise unto salvation. The gleaner keeps her eyes open: if she stumbled among the stubble in a dream, she would have no load to carry home rejoicingly at eventide. I must be watchful in religious exercises lest they become unprofitable to me; I fear I have lost much already-O that I may rightly estimate my opportunities, and glean with greater diligence. The gleaner stoops for all she finds, and so must I. High spirits criticize and object, but lowly minds glean and receive benefit. A humble heart is a great help towards profitably hearing the gospel. The engrafted soul-saving word is not received except with meekness. A stiff back makes a bad gleaner; down, master pride, thou art a vile robber, not to be endured for a moment. What the gleaner gathers she holds: if she dropped one ear to find another, the result of her day's work would be but scant; she is as careful to retain as to obtain, and so at last her gains are great. How often do I forget all that I hear; the second truth pushes the first out of my head, and so my reading and hearing end in much ado about nothing! Do I feel duly the importance of storing up the truth? A hungry belly makes the gleaner wise; if there be no corn in her hand, there will be no bread on her table; she labours under the sense of necessity, and hence her tread is nimble and her grasp is firm. I have even a greater necessity, Lord, help me to feel it, that it may urge me onward to glean in fields which yield so plenteous a reward to diligence.

(thank you Mr. Charles Spurgeon...)

Thank you so much and I will keep you posted.

Random Facts

2010-07-08T08:56:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been in a random mood?? Well, I am in one today, and quite frankly putting off what I need to be doing- that being lesson planning for both Cheer and English and taking a shower and doing my hair (which I am seriously considering just puting up in a bun). So, here goes my random rambling. Feel free to read and partake and tell me random things on your blogs. It makes me happy to hear such things.

1. I love Harry Potter. Like, love love. The other day I shot off fireworks, Roman Candles to be exact, and I felt like Harry Potter or Heromine Granger with their wands. It was pretty cool. You should try it. but you should also make sure it is pointed far away from you. Fire hazard, you know.
2. I have a Nook. It is super cool, but I have yet to finish a single book on it because I have bought 7 books on it and I am reading them all at the same time. I should really get on that....
3. I am really starting to get ready for Fall. In contemplating about the seasons, I have decided it is my favorite. This is a pretty big statement due to the fact that I love Christmas so much. But, Fall does usher in those seasons, thus why I love it. I also love crisp air, leaves, PUMPKIN SPICE LATTES, and listening to Brooke Fraser at this time. Oh, memories. Fall also has super cute clotehs and I can start wearing sweaters and sometimes my UGGS (which continue to be my favorite and most comfortable shoe EVER) during this season. I also get to see my fam more and my birthday is at this time. What more can a girl ask for.
4. I am on a Bethany Dillon kick these days. I love her music and her lyrics.
5. I am cutting my hair and coloring it back to my regular hair color. I am very excited. Why, do I always want to change my hair color and then decide that I should have stuck with what I had before. insecurity? or is it just I am impatient and want something new. Oh, the options that could be the answer...anyways, I am super excited about cutting my hair. It has been long for SOOOO long now. Time for a change! Woo!
6. It will be football season before we know it, which means I will have no life. I am excited to see the kiddos. I will actually know some of the kids on the football team this year due to the fact that I have taught many of them. And my girls will be cheering on the Varsity team. That is exciting.
7. I am moving to a different apartment and I am dreading packing Luckily I have two best friends who have nominated themselves to help me back. Thank you Elise and Robin. I will be holding you to this...at least you will help me calm down when this time comes. ;)
8. My dog likes to sleep. She sleeps all the time. Sometimes I think she has some form of narcolepsy, but then again maybe she is just lazy. She sure is cute though. And I am also glad I have her at night. I know she could not maul anyone if they broke in, but she could growl and bark really loud. Maybe.
9. My brother and his wife are having a baby girl. I am super excited to hold her and to spoil her and to sing to her and to love on her and to rock her and to read to her. I am really excited to buy her cute clothes and babysit her. I am also super excited that she will be mixed because she is going to be the cutest little girl ever. I cannot wait until she comes!! That is in the fall, too. See what I mean about the being the best season EVER!!!!!!! :)
10. I want to have a 10th interesting fact due to it being even. Let's see....I have decided I want to learn to play guitar. I am not the most AMAZING singer out there, but I would like to play guitar so I can at least have a little praise and worship time with myself and the Lord. Now, whether I will ever do that, we will see. Maybe I should pick up the piano again, at least I know the basics of that.

That is it for now. Thank you for partaking if you made it to the end. If you didn't, it is okay. I might not have either.

Talk to you soon!

A woman to be praised

2010-07-07T09:25:00.000-07:00

As I am getting older, I am starting to realize what it will take to be a "woman to be praised" as Proverbs 31 talks about. I am also starting to realize how much of a fight it is between the flesh (what I want and feel like is right to do in a situation) and the Spirit. I am in a constant battle between what I should do and what I feel like I want to do in a situation. If you are woman, I am sure that you can relate to this. I am constantly going back and forth between trying to control and manipulate a situation, and then living in fear and anxiety about if I am not in control of a situation what might happen to me. What grieves my soul about this is how much I make it about me. I am constantly living in fear of what might happen rather than living in the present. I am not realizing and adopting the Lord's truths in my life, but rather claiming my falsehoods as truth and living in them. That, my friends, is a very dangerous and shallow living. The Lord has been gracious for the past few months of showing me how much insecurity I deal with on a daily basis and how much it affects my life, minute by minute. One might see this as an excuse that I am trying to use, but it is not. The accuser, as the Bible describes him in Revelation 12:10 is constantly "prowling like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour" (1 Pet 5). Where there are many times where my insecurities are self-imposed, there are also very real times I have believed what the accuser is accusing me of. Does that make sense? Have you ever felt that way? The Lord has graciously placed women in my life who help to call this out in me and help me see truth from falsehood. I am thankful for community such as these women. They help me see where the Lord is working, and also where I am not allowing Him to work. They also help me see His grace and His love for me in every single situation, while also helping to see the calming affects of his touch. You see, when the Lord starts working in you, there is no stopping Him. This has always been proven to be a great thing in my life, but has also always proven to have some growing pains associated with it. I am hard-headed at best, and like to be right. I don't like to be proven wrong, and where I would love to say that the Lord has hit that right out of me, I am sad to say, I am in a constant rendering of my soul to His plan and not mine. Through this, the Lord has shown me quite a bit more than I could have bargained for. Things that are hard for me to accept, such as me being precious in His sight, even when I sin constantly. That is hard for little Miss. Perfectionist to accept. If you are woman and you are reading this, maybe you relate. I am constantly checking my motives recently, and let me tell you friends, I have my own agenda at heart most of the time. This is sobering to see because that is not what I have been called to do or to be. I am not called to have my own agenda, but rather, I am called to have Lord's at heart. It is good to see what I want, and how that does not always align with what the Lord is calling me to, but it has also shown me what a sinful heart I have. I am very poor in Spirit, but through Christ, I am more. That, out of all things, has been very cool to see. He loves me enough to call these things out in me and let me have these great growing pains in my soul, to make me into something new. To make me into a woman, that hopefully is on the right track towards a Proverbs 31 woman. To eventually be that wife that uplifts her husband and to be that Mom that loves her kids and prays for children without ceasing. Who not only loves her kids, but speaks truth into their lives even when it is hard to hear. Who is constantly on her knees before the Lord so that she may know the heart of Him who made her. I want to be that woman so badly. I desire to know the Lord's will and let that play out in my life. I desire for insecurity not to have a stronghold in my life, but rather render that to the Lord and be confident in that fact. Where I am far away from that now, I am starting to believe it is possible.

To be quite transparent with you today, yesterday was one of those days where I was really feeling the weight of insecurity all around me. It was so strong, I really felt helpless in every situation. Have you ever felt that way ladies? I felt like everything I was doing was just a symptom of insecurity, yet I had NO idea how to tame it. I was talking to the Lord all day yesterday, asking for peace, and there were definite glimpses, but still in the midst of that insecurity I felt powerless and helpless, and just plain defeated. I am a studier by nature. I love reading and I love finding out things by studying books and the Word. I also love to write. The Lord uses this in my life to develop an affection for Him that is beyond anything I have ever experienced. He tends to allow me to be reading or studying material that is PERFECT, timing-wise, in my life. Right now I am reading and devouring a book called So Long, Insecurity and also doing a study called Living Beyond yourself Exploring the Fruit of the Spirit. Both of these are by Beth Moore, and can I just tell you that through the Lord that woman is blowing me up. The Lord has totally put these two things in my life and before me because He drastically wants to change the way that I see things and myself. This is hard for me to admit, because if I am being honest, I tend to not always see myself in the best light. Why would I be worth wanting? This is something that has come about in the last few years, that I am recognizing now as insecurity. It has now been deeply rooted, thus why it is painful to dig it out. (Disclaimer- I am not telling you this because I want you to feel bad for me, but because maybe you relate. Maybe you feel the same way...) With this, the Lord had me read and write out a prayer this morning. I would like to share some of it with you. This prayer is from the book So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore. Most of it is what she had already written out. I will not share exactly what I have written on the parts where I shared because this is a blog, and I feel like some things should be kept. :) However, I would like to share some it. I hope it blesses your heart like it does mine. I highly encourage any women reading this to go get this book. It has been life changing for me. So, I leave you with the prayer. I will warn you that it is long, if you do not read all of it, please come back to it. I promise you it will not leave you feeling disappointed or as if you wasted your time. Love you all...

Deliver me, Lord. You have not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love, and of a sound mind. That's what scripture says. I claim each of those priceless traits as mine this day. Your desire is for me to be free of every unhealthy motivation. Reveal any place they reside uncontested in me, and supply the courage I need to refuse to do their biding. You have searched the deepest recesses of my heart and mind. I don't need to hide anything from You or act stronger or more together than I am. Help me to come before You with complete transparency, and grant me a supernatural confidence that I am safe with You and loved by you. I don't have to muster up feelings I don't posses or hang my head in defeat or shame. Because of your grace I can come just as I am. This is the way I would describe myself to You right now...(Insert your own feelings here)

But Lord, You know me better than I know myself. You know why I think like I do why I feel like I do. You know my every thought. My every disappointment. You know every ugly and ridiculous thing I've ever said or done out of insecurity. You see every fissure in my soul, and look beyond the point of my failure to the depth of my need. As you reveal yourself in me, I ask that you also mercifully reveal myself to me. Grant me insight into patterns I've developed, and give me answers that bring healing. Make me wholly unafraid of anything that I might see in myself in the light you provide. Help me to trust that You only shed light where You're willing to heal.

God you know the complexities of my soul and that most of the time I can't even figure myself out. You know how I swing like a dizzy pendulum between self-loathing and self-exaltation. As I begin this prayer of restoration, I ask you Lord, to help me take responsibility for the insecurity that is my own doing. My own fault. My own sin. I am painfully aware that I've created some of my own misery. I have tried to make a god of myself too many times, and it hasn't worked. It will never work. In calling me to this time of confession, Your desire is my freedom, not my self-condemnation, so with confidence, I welcome the one and reject the other. With these things hear my confessions.. (you insert here..:))

Please forgive me of my self worship. For my relentless pursuit of control and for my futile attempts at doing your job. Forgive me for my foolish pride. Forgive me for nursing my ego until it grows so fat that everything touching it bruises it. Forgive me for my miserable self-absorption. Forgive me for the jealousy and covetousness that feed my insecurity. Forgive me for turning too many things into competitions. For being so fixated on what I don't have that I leave the gifts that you have given me undeveloped and much less effective than you intended them to be. Forgive me for thinking pitifully little of the person you've made. Forgive me for committing the flagrant sin of despising myself and considering myself inferior to others. Forgive me equally for every time I've sighed with relief at the thought that I might be superior after all. Forgive me for my unbelief. If I realized how valuable I am, my insatiable need for affirmation would be quieted. Forgive me for being such a perfectionist that resist doing something good out of fear it won't be great. Forgive me for the inordinate self-protection that has only managed to imprison me. Forgive me also for... (your turn again, Ladies...)

This very moment I receive your lavish forgiveness and Your complete cleansing and in Your name I realize all the shame that has come from self-inflicted insecurity. From now on Lord, and every day for the rest of my life, heighten my conviction until I'm instantly aware when insecurity is my own making. Help me to recognize any form of pride or unbelief and to refuse it immediately.

Now, Lord, I ask you to pull up the roots of insecurity that were not of my own doing, and usher in the healing and restoration. You know every single place where instability has touched my life. You remember details that were long erased from my memory but are still inflicting insecurity. You know what first frightened me into believing that no one and nothing could be trusted and that I'm on my own out here in a very unsafe world. You know the rational origin of every irrational fear. You know where I developed a belief system based on the frailties of man instead of the bedrock of you. You have been with me every moment even when I felt there was no one to take care of me. I give You my whole heart. Touch every broken and wounded place with your healing hand.

Lord, empower me to forgive those who have let me down, failed to protect me, or inflicted injury upon me. Help me to see them as needy, broken people in their own right, and Lord where there is still life and opportunity, bring redemption to those relationships. Help me to understand the gravity of this juncture: that if I do not seek healing and wholeness, I will instead end up perpetuating the cycle of injury. Break the cycle with me, O Lord. Break the cycle with me.

I pray this blesses you today. I also pray that if you relate with anything I am saying that the Lord will really start to do a major work in you, as he is in me. He is SO gracious and SO good and we should be so grateful that He has chosen us to work in. Praise be to His glorious name!

Until Later, I love you all.

Ashie

Time for a change

2010-06-12T15:20:00.000-07:00

I have been wanting to write for quite some time now, but have either not had time or hit a wall while writing. So here I am again, hoping to finish out at least one meaningful post.

Do you ever feel restless? I am sure that this is a silly question being as if you are a woman and you are reading this blog, you might have felt restless and just decided to look at some blogs to preoccupy your mind a bit. I am restless today. Not a bad kind of restless, but I think more of a restlessness that is just going to play itself out and then I will figure out why I am restless. Summer has begun, and cheer camp is over. Praise the Lord. Today was my first real day of nothing planned. Well, I take that back, I had something this morning for school, but it was done by 11. All that to say, I grabbed a nice little bite with my grandparents at their casa and then came back home, jumped in my pjs and hopped into bed with my journal, Bible and So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. It has been awhile since I have had nothing planned for an extended period of time, and so I thought I would just rest. My plan was to read and journal and then in the lull and calm, I would fall into a deep sleep and take the most wonderful nap of my life. Alas, that is not exactly what happened. I found myself first opening my journal and writing down goals I had for myself this summer. Not necessarily a bad thing...I mean a girl has got to have goals, right?! Especially Miss. Planned, here. Then I started reading. As I was reading from my amazing book I got to a stopping point and decided to take a nap. And then the phone rang. So much for the nap. The funny thing about today has been how much my interruptions have seemed to point me towards Jesus. Instead of napping and resting that way, I have really gotten a chance to rest in the Lord. It has been a fun day. The title of my post today is "Time for Change". The reason I have entitled that is because the Lord has really done some work in my heart in the past half of the year. Well, really the past 3 years, but I have seen significant changes in the past 6-7 months. It has actually been quite cool, because where I was feeling like I was in the wilderness and still really trying to seek Him, I am now seeing a lot of things come to fruition which creates an amazing amount of thanksgiving in my heart as well as praise. How great is my God that he would be gracious enough to show me such love and at that, lavish it upon me. Even in some situations that have happened personally and professionally the Lord has used certain people to engage me and call me on some things, that I believe the Lord has been trying to show me for a long time. It was a like a light-bulb went off. I very, very bright light-bulb that is so blinding you wonder how you did not see it the whole time. As much as I can grow weary of the wilderness season, it has been ever so lovely to see Christ in so much of ins and outs of my life lately. He is just soooooo good!! He constantly amazes me with HOW MUCH grace He lavishes upon me. He continues to unravel these truths for me and show me that they are actual truths and I need to abide in them and just trust Him.

All this to say, today will not be a long post (at least for me, you know I am long-winded) but I wanted to drop a line and say hello and just talk about how GOOD our God is. Here pretty soon I will be changing up my blog a bit. I think it is time for a change since the Lord is doing so much in my heart! I am SUPER excited for what He might have me share on this. One I guess, if nothing else, to brag on how GREAT He is. (Disclaimer: He doesn't need me to brag on Him, but it is fun when I can;)) Some of the things I hope to talk about are the following- how the Lord is working on my heart about insecurity, pride, fear and anxiety. So many of these issues He is helping me battle out....hopefully to the DEATH! I know you may be thinking, Ashley calm down, but I am really pumped to see what He is up to with me. I am telling you, He is up to something, and I LOVE it!

I will leave you with some truths I am loving right now!!

I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

Isaiah 41:9-10

Do not be deceived my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whole there is not variation or shadow due to change. Of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of first fruits of his creatures.

James 1:16-19

Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on the earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you will also appear with him in glory. Put to death therefore what is earthy in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming. In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander and obscene talk from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on a new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has given you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love , which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

Colossians 3:2-10,12-15

Love you guys! I will write again soon! :)

Hair Conundrum

2010-05-13T15:08:00.000-07:00

color?
color?
not color, but cut??
cut?? Really, just the bangs:)
color?
My hair is killing me...so, now is the time for input. PLEASE...

I have been told to stay brown, but I am not totally shut down to the idea of going to back to blonde-ish. Defintely not Blonde-blonde, but sunkissed maybe?!? My hair is just driving me crazy, and I just want something fun. input please :)

10 things and more

2010-05-08T14:35:00.001-07:00

10 things I did not know about myself, or rather, am more acutely aware as of late...(not in any particular order...)

1. I am extremely selfish person. I am not saying this in the aww, poor me, I want someone to feel bad for me kind of sense. But, rather, I have just realized how selfish I have become since living by myself. I like to do things on my time and not on others, and so when that is challenged I seem to have an issue with it. I am learning and trying not to be this way, but due to new things in my life I am much more aware of how selfish of a person I am. Not because anyone has pointed it out, but rather just because my first inclination seems to be for self, not for those I care most about. All this to say...I have a new thing I am working on.

2. I really, really, really like to have a plan. This may be because I like to be in control, but I am also realizing that if I do not have a plan I feel like my life is a little out of control. So, with all that said, if I did not already realize this about myself...I like to have plans. And as of late, I sometimes like other people to make them for me. Weird...

3. When I feel stressed it makes me even more stressed if things are unorganized or a wreck around me. This is ironic due to the fact that my apartment, more times than not, seems to be a wreck. Last night I slept twenty million times better just because my room was organized and clean when I went to bed. I am learning that if I just pick up after myself, I would not be so discombobulated when life gets busy and I do not have time to do a major overhaul on my apartment, or car, or classroom.

4. I say yes to many things and no to not so much. I am a people-pleaser by nature, and this has reared it ever-so ugly head as of late, especially with the job I have taken on at school. I am realizing how much this has started to rule my life and how I make my decisions. That is always a fun lesson....

5. When I get upset, I just need someone to hug me. They don't even have to say anything, but just a tight hug seems to help. I already knew I was a touchy person...and well, if you know me, you know I tend to get into people's bubbles and not really realize. But, that is another thing I have learned...I just need ya to hug me if I am upset.

6. Community is so important. I am learning this more as I am getting older (not that I am so old and wise yet...) but it is just so important that I have community. If I am not surrounding myself with my good friends, and family I tend to have a very hard time. I find so much joy in the community I have gotten from church, and just my sweet friends and family. Especially my best girlfriends whom love Christ so much and will point me in the right direction and shoot me straight when it is very much needed. When I first started work I through myself into it so much that I really did not have a personal life. I choose to throw myself into it and then whatever time I had leftover I could spend with others. What I am learning is that that is not really how it should work. I used to believe this was selfish...now I more believe it is necessary to my mental health. Maybe that sounds a little dramatic, but the thing is is when you are pouring yourself out at work you have to have that community to kind of help ya. To remind you of the things that are important. Luckily, I have a great group of sisters and brothers in Christ who are very close to my heart that challenge and lovingly engage me in this. I have had a lot of that here lately, and more than ever I am realizing how important community is and how much I have taken it for granted in the past.

6. I cannot save the world. If you know me, and you know my teaching philosophy, you may know that I tend to have the "I can save the world" mentality. The students that I get to teach are very near and dear to my heart and I have a very hard time with letting it go when I leave the school, and an even harder time when those kids mess up and their repercussions are great, or they let me down, or bad things happen to them. I love them so very much and tend to think that when these above mentioned things happened that I should have done something else, and I tend to get pretty down. This is quite prideful, due to the fact that I cannot save them. This is actually quite hard for me to admit, because Lord knows, I would love for help them. And, maybe I do help them, but the Lord is the only one that can save them. Not me. I have had a hard time coming to grips with that since beginning teaching. I think I go back and forth on my little pendulum of the mind of what is effective teaching and what is not. I see some teachers completely give up on their kids, and then others who probably, like me, become a little too emotionally involved. I honestly, don't even like saying that, or really know what the answer is. Because they do need someone to care about them, but taking it home and then letting it affect everything you do is not exactly healthy, nor a way in which I need to live. I have spoken about this on my blog many times here lately, but the Lord is teaching me a lot about Faith, Hope and Trust. All of which are things I need to work on. I need to have faith in the Lord of where I am right now and faith that He can work the big and small things out. I need to have Hope in what I believe instead of being unbelieving in the big and small. And then trust, oh trust, how I need to trust my sweet Jesus with the big and small.

7. As much as I am a glass half full kind of person for other people, for myself I tend to be a glass half empty. I am trying to turn over a new leaf with this...I tend to beat myself up when things get hard. No one wants to be around Debbie Downer, nor is good for those closest to you to hear someone gripe all of the time. It is one thing to vent, it is another to see your life as a mess with no way out. When I become overwhelmed, I become dramatic.

8. I am a list person. If I do not have a to-do list for the day I am not as effective. I also like crossing off the things on my list and will add things I have done if they are not on the list just to cross them off. It makes me feel more productive. And yes, I know I am crazy. :) Good crazy though, right??? ;)

9. Taking it to the Lord is always what I need to do FIRST, not last. I can gain much clarity from this rather than going and seeking it from others. He gives me a peace where as others may make me feel better for time being, but cannot give me such a peace.

10. I look way into the future, especially with work, I project. And I project things that are more on the negative side. I need to take one step at a time.

All this to say, the Lord is showing me a lot of things about myself that are super uncomfortable to know. :) I am thankful though, because if nothing else, it is His grace. He is lovingly engaging me, as well as has placed some very special people in my life whom are doing the same. I feel very blessed and thankful in the midst of chaos. He is truly showing me what it is to be a woman of God and what it is not. My life should not be characterized by fear, but rather by an unshakable trust in my Father. Oh, when I start to really, really believe this how my life will be changed. I am thankful He is showing me this, and letting me take steps out in faith, no matter how scary they might be, and no matter how many little steps back I tend to take before I actually, really trust Him. I am thankful for the amount of patience He has with me, as well as the amount of patience He has given those closest to me. What a great God and King we serve.

On a seperate note, please pray for my Pastor, Matt Chandler and his family this week. They are doing a very big MRI this week. It will tell them either very, very hard news, or very good news. Please pray it is the ladder. My pastor is very dear to my heart, and his wife is also. Please also pray that no matter the news the Lord will calm their anxious hearts before and after the fact. It is unnerving I am sure to know that one scan can change how you do things. Please be praying. I love them and desire healing for Him. His wife's name is Lauren if you would like to lift her up by name.

Love you guys. Thanks for listening :)

Shiny :)

2010-04-27T14:10:00.000-07:00

Today I was thinking about teaching. Teaching, and what all it entails. The amount of energy that is put into it. What all is required of you. And what all you require of yourself as a teacher. I also started thinking about the people that teach and the way in which their philosophies shape and mold young minds thinking.

It is so easy to be negative. I honestly think I would be likely to ramble off the negative things in my day way before I would list for you the good things that happened in the day. I started thinking about this today when I was sitting amongst many of my fellow educators. As some of you may know, it is testing season. Yes, TAKS testing to be exact. Not exactly the favorite time of many teachers. And also, a time of much complaining amongst the teachers. There is always some sort of topic that comes up that tends to be negative, whether it be about the test or some other something that the administration or higher ups may be asking us to do. Now, TAKS is not my favorite either. I have never been one to want to teach to the test. I believe that we can teach the skills without teaching the test, but that is a whole other blog. What I started thinking about as everyone was talking to each other about their frustrations is- why did I go into teaching? Not because I am having some change of heart, but rather, am I doing this for the right reasons? Am I being the best teacher that I can be? Am I coming here to love on my kids and teach them disciplines that are going to help them in life and being positive about it...or am I becoming jaded?

The thing about teaching is it can jade you. My goodness, there are so many hurting kiddos. And, it is easy to focus on all the bad stuff that is going on. I could tell you a handful of stories just from today that kids have told me. It is depressing at times and it can bring you down. I have wondered many times how to even present the Gospel to these kiddos when I have never gone through anything that my babies are experiencing. And there are all sorts of advice you get. "Leave it at the school...", "You just have to learn to disconnect when you get home...". "Just turn off your mind, that works for me...", "If they don't get it this year...they will get it next year.." (worst advice ever in my particular opinion). You also get the kind of advice that is backhanded and bit mean, "How many years have you been teaching?! Ohhhh, don't worry, that shininess will wear off. Just give it a couple of years..." That particular comment has been what I have been thinking on for most of the day. I could honestly not even tell you who told me that now that I think of it, but I remember the comment. I remember thinking...Man, I hope my shininess doesn't wear off and that I still love teaching as much I do now. This was almost exactly a year ago. It is interesting where I find myself now. The thing is where I do think that some of my idealistic world view of teaching might have changed, I would like to think I have not lost all my "shininess" but then, I started thinking...Am I being shiny? Yes, I know...shiny is maybe not the most eloquent of words, but since that was the word used we shall go with it.

I have been much more negative this year then I was last year. I am not really sure why that is. I don't really know if it has been a tougher year, kids wise. I mean I had gangster kids last year and felt just fine. I also had the attitude of I can conquer the world by teaching. Today, I started thinking...where is my drive? Where is my hope being placed? And if my hope is being placed in my abilities or talents, I am falling super short. You see, I am not the smartest. Yes, I would like to consider myself smart, but I am not some grammar genius, or writing wizard. And, if you speak with anyone close to me, you will know that my spelling is not as amazing as an English teacher's should be. But, I do try. Last year at this time, I was tired, but had such a feeling of success with what I had produced in my classroom. Or rather, what the Lord has produced in my classroom, because last year was only of Him. And this then got me thinking...have I been doing those same things in my classroom? Am I implementing the same things and ideas into my classroom? Am I being as fearless as I once was speaking truth into their lives and loving on them in a way that others refuse to. This year can't be that different. The counselors have told me that they specifically give me certain kinds of kids, because I have more "patience" with them (Which is ironic, being as I am the most impatient person on the face of the planet, but they still give them to me). This year, I have let me get in the way. I have looked into what is happening with me and what is going on in my personal life, and I really think that it has affected my teaching. Do I still think that I have been a good teacher? Well, I would say that I think at times I have given my best for what was going on...but, is that enough? Is that sufficient? Maybe by the world's standards...for sure. But the thing is, I haven't trusted this year. I haven't trusted that Jesus is going to swoop in and do what He always does. I haven't trusted that He, and He alone can pull them out of the muck and the mire and take them to a place where He loves on them and they feel complete acceptance. Instead, I have chosen to air on the side of contemplation where I try to figure out what I can do and how I could even ever explain such a man as Jesus to them. How could he possibly be relevant to them?? I am ashamed to say that that has been a lot of my thoughts this year. And, then something hit me the other night. God does not come for the put-together. He comes for the broken, the downcast, the hurt. He, and He alone can save our depraved souls and pour life into our souls. He alone can show us meaning, and give us meaning. He alone is meaning. How dare I think that the kids cannot possibly relate to my God.

My kids are constantly looking for approval. We all are. My kids constantly want to hear how good they are doing, or they want a hug, or they act up just so someone will notice something that they are doing....good or bad. It was like a grand revelation to me today when I was thinking of all this. The Lord has been showing me soo much this year through some things that have caused me pain. I really believe he has been shaping my mindset, and growing me, but it is that awkward, sometimes painful kind of growth. The kind where it lasts for awhile and then sometimes you may not notice until retrospection how far you have come. I am not saying this pridefully, I am saying this gratefully. Christ is showing me what it is to be a teacher. What it is to a child of His. As I watched the people around me, my co-workers and my kids, I watch different growths. I think many times we think we are at the peak of our maturity, but I highly doubt that at 24 I am at the height of my growth. (Or I hope not...) But, I do think the Lord is showing me some useful things. Some things that will shape how I do life and how I engage others.

"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation i nthe Spirit, any affections and sympathy, complete my joy by bineg of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus who though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on the cross. Therefore, God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee shall bow, in heaven and earth and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Therefore my beloved, as you have always obeyed so now, not only in my presence but more more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling for it is God who works in you both to will and to work for his good pleasure. Do all things without grumbling or questioning that you may be blameless and innocent children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain.

Philippians 2:1-18

I do not write this to stick to anyone. Honestly, I type the above because this verse was presented at church on Sunday and it has really broken me in the best possible way. This is what I need to be doing. Am I focusing on others? Am I seeing that Christ, who died the most horrific death for my sins that I continually do and have done and are to do, humbled himself among men and did not count others greater than Himself? Am I seeing that he did not count equality with God something to be grasped? Would I be obedient to the point of death? Am I having death to self or am I daily gratifying my desires and trying to make myself feel better?? Am I pouring into others, or am I focusing on myself and what could be going better for me? Am I finding things to stress on or am I focusing on the fact that my God sent Christ to die for my sins and because of this I have a hope that no one can take away? Am I showing this hope and love to my kiddos and others that are in my life?? Am I being believing in that hope or I am just saying that I believe in that? Am I counting others greater than myself, or am I having a 'me' attitude? And most of all...Am I trusting Christ? Am I being shiny? ;)

So, with all this said, these are the questions I am reflecting on today. We have such a great God and King. How precious He counts us that He grows, stretches and molds us into His image. Oh, how we should look upon these stages of life as a wonderful thing, for they produce perseverance and patience and above all else, an ever-abiding love for Christ. Oh, how I long for him to continue to grow me and to shape me and mold me and make me into his image. Oh, how I desire to love selflessly and not do things with grumbling or questioning or vain conceit. Oh, that He would continue to grow me and mold me.

Thanks for listening friends. I never really know how to end these things. I know this is another wordy blog. So, if you made it to the end...Thanks! :)

Love you all and unti later!

Learning...not so great at it yet though.

2010-04-11T19:57:00.001-07:00

There are more times than I would like to admit in which I do not really trust the Lord. I mean, let's call it what it is. I worry and obsess over things are out of my control because I worry about failure and how they may affect me in the long run of things. That, my friends, is a lack of trust.

The Lord has more or less been hammering this fact into my head here lately. With so many changes going on my life in the past few weeks, it is not totally crazy (if you know me..) for me to be as stressed as I am. I worry that I might fail. I worry that things won't work out. I worry that I am not being a good teacher or more, that I am not being the BEST teacher. I want the kids to not only learn from me and what I am teaching, but also know that I love them and that I care for them. Then, enter Varsity Cheerleading and Ash is a little stressed, to say the least. When things at work are stressful, or whenever any of my life really gets stressful, I tend to focus on every single little thing to make sure that I am "performing" well. Am I being a good friend? Am I loving others like I should? Am I doing my job to the best of my ability? Am I showing the love of Christ on a daily basis instead of being selfish and just looking out for myself? Am I loving on my kids like I should? Am I giving them my full attention when I should be? Am I being a good family member? Am I going to visit my grandpa that is really sick? All these things (and more) are questions that I ask of myself on a daily basis, sometimes hourly basis. One would say that is a bit obsessive. But, there it is.

One thing that has been on my mind quite a bit here lately is how I measure what I do. The song by Brooke Fraser, "Arithmetic" comes to mind. I am constantly trying to figure out if what I do adds up enough to be loved or admired, or whatever you want to call it. I always seem to think in the way of if I do x, y, and z this will make whomever (sometimes even the Lord) love me more. It is silly and really bad theology. The Lord doesn't love some future version of me, He loves me now. That is something that I have a hard time with. I mean, I am mess and here lately I could readily name everything for you about myself that is a mess that I need to be better about. It is hard for me to rest my mind in the Lord because I am constantly worried about something. Now, if you read my blog, you know that this is nothing new for me. The Lord is constantly working on me in the way of just resting in Him and knowing that He loves me right now. Right where I am...and He knew before time I was going to be like this. :) If only I could see that every single second of the day...I believe I would be much more at ease.

I am reading this book called, "Overcoming Fear, Worry and Anxiety" by Elyse Fitzpatrick. It is really good and has hit me in between the eyes every time I have read something from it. It is one of those books that I believe will take me awhile to finish because I am trying to absorb as much of it as possible. In the first part of the book it talks about what fear is and if you are indeed actually characterized by fear, worry or anxiety. It says, "Things are too good, this can't last, or Things are awful, this will never change!" The author goes on to say that she knows what it is to "feel like this and live in a state of constant muscle tightening and stomach churning and wrestling with the thought that everything is about to collapse. To let her mind go down every rabbit trail- imagining that the children are dead or her husband has lost his love for her or that she has some dread disease or...on and on it goes." These are all where my mind goes so much of the time (well, except the kids and husband thing...but variations of this still...) and so many times I choose to live in a state of fear, worry or anxiety instead of just giving it to the Lord and resting in Him. I know that many times we say that this is easier said than done, but the Lord has been so gracious lately that ANYTIME I go to Him, he gives me such a peace. If only I could be in the word all day and then feel this all the time. OR, if only I could trust that all the time the Lord has got me. That He has me here for a reason and that He knows what steps I will take and where He is going to take me. If only I realized that I did not add an hour to my day by worrying.

Last night I re-listened to a sermon by Adam Thomason, one of our campus pastors, about Biblical Faith vs. Counterfeit Faith. He spoke from John 4:36-38. "I sent you to reap for that which you did not labor." Adam goes on to say, "Oh how limitless would it be for a disciple of Christ if we were not limited by our circumstances." He spoke about how we should stop focusing on the flesh, but rather the spiritual element of things. He spoke about the assurance of things hoped for, not of things seen as well as the FACT that the Lord has gone before us and has planned all this to play out as it is pleasing to Him. We too often focus on whatever is going on and how it will affect ME and this given point and time, or in the future, rather than focusing on the greater thing...that being the Lord and His kingdom. He spoke about Hebrews 11 and how there were many that "died in faith not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on Earth." (Hebrews 11:13) By faith the Lord has asked us to trust him. Not to worry about what is to come or how we are going to get there, or how things are going to work out, but rather just trust Him. The Lord has really, really, REALLY been trying to hammer this into my head. And, yet, I still have days like today, after he shows me this again and again, where I worry all day. I worry about others not liking me, or me failing at things, or me not doing my job well, or my kids, or the list could go on and on.

"Already the one who reaps is receiving wages and gathering fruit for eternal life, so that sower and reaper may rejoice together. For here the saying holds true, One sows and another reaps. I sent you to reap that which you did not labor. Others have labored, and you have entered into their labor."

John 5:36-38

So, it is not about me. Rather, it is about Him. Every single thing I do should be looked at from that perspective, rather than my obsessive, people-pleasing have to make sure everything is fine with everyone perspective.

All this to say... the Lord is giving me a lot to think about, and I am thankful for that. It is never fun to look at your junk, because when you look at your junk you tend to see how deprived you are. But, oh, how wonderful the grace of Jesus that he saves us and reconciles us to Himself. I love Him and I am so thankful for his grace, and that he accepts me as I am. Even when it is hard for me to see that fact. I am sorry if you are a friend, or someone near and dear to me and you have had to deal with all of this with me here lately. I am trying to work on it...it is just a daily giving-over-to-the Lord kind of thing right now. In His grace, eventually I will get it. Until then, I will try to rest in Him and give it to Him daily. Thanks for dealing with me in the meantime...

Love you guys! Thanks for listening...

Ash:)

Confessions of a tired school teacher...

2010-03-31T19:15:00.000-07:00

The following are random facts about myself...

Since I have become a teacher I hate talking on the phone. Well, really, once I get on the phone I am fine...but I hate, hate calling people back. It is a little ridiculous and anti-social. I feel as though I need to work on this but after being around people all day, sometimes I just like a minute to myself.

This bring me to another point...since becoming a teacher, I have become less social in my personal life. For instance, I enjoy living alone. I think I get lonely at times, but then again, I am constantly with people, so sometimes it is nice to just come home and not worry about anyone, ya know? Some may find this weird...but there it is. Since I am around kids all day long and they are constantly needing you (which I am not complaining here...that is one of the draws to teaching for me...I love my babies...) sometimes I just like to be a bit of a loner. I have my set friends and at times, it is just nice to hang out with them and I am completely content with that.

I am not good keeping my room clean. It is always dirty at the foot of my bed. Mainly this is due to the fact that I have clothes that I wash and then never put up. I hang up some clothes and then drape others over my chair. It is like a disease. I have a problem with putting up clothes. I don't mind washing, but I hate folding and putting them up in the right place. The catch is I tend to get super stressed when things are messy. Oh, the web I weave for myself...

I am addicted to watches. I have bought 3 sport watches in the past month and a half. I justify this by the fact that I am a coach.

My T.V. does not work in my den due to it not being hooked up correctly. Because of this I have to watch T.V. in my room. I am too lazy to call Uverse, even though I pay money to them every month and I am not getting to tape my shows because it is not hooked up.

This brings me back to the phone thing...I hate when people don't leave messages. If you call me and I don't answer, please leave a message. There is NO chance of me calling you back unless you are one of my best friends or mom if you do not leave a message. I am soooo bad about that.

I buy too many magazines and then never throw them away. I am borderline hoarder due to the fact that I keep them so much. I threw away about 60 of them around December, and I am getting towards that number again. I am always afraid if I throw something away I will need it. Then I watch the show "Hoarders" on A&E, which scares me, and I decide that it is time to throw things away. :)

Where I am not a procrastinator usually, lately I have been. I procrastinate on things I am afraid I will be bad at. It is something I am trying to work on...

I drink about 4 cups of coffee a day. It is ridiculous, but I get caffeine headaches if I do not. And, let's just face it, coffee is amazing.

For the last confession of the day I would like to address my job. As exhausted as I get throughout the week and as many of the confessions above are due to the kind of job that I have, my confession is... I would not change any of this for anything. If you have kept up with my blog you might say I have been in a bit of a funk in the past couple of months. Things have just not been the best, and I have been a tid bit frustrated. Today was a day in which my kids were showing me some of thier writings because we are doing a unit where they write vignettes and tell me about thier lives. Today, I got to read what they think about themselves. It was one of those perfect days with my students. One of those days where I got to talk to them and joke with them, but also they shared so much with me. It was one of those days where I just felt like I was where I was suppossed to be. The Lord is so gracious in what He has allowed me to do. He lets me be apart of these kids lives and share moments with them. It is something I have always wanted to do, and I get to do it. Even on the most frustrating days, when I am hearing "Miss.Kep" for the 40th time, there is always something redeeming in the day. Even more so than that, everyday the Lord shows me something about grace and His love. It is soo cool how he does that. He woos me in the work that I do. We have such a gracious and loving God. I just can't help but be thankful for where he has me and joyous in how wonderful days are like today.

That is all for now. Thanks for listening. Love you guys!! HAPPY HUMP DAY! :)

Intentional Living

2010-03-24T18:34:00.000-07:00

It is raining tonight. It was one of those nights where the weather is totally matching my mood. And of course, I forgot my umbrella at school, so hopefully it will not be raining tomorrow morning.

This semester is my favorite semester with my kids. By this time I have gotten to know each and every one of them pretty well, and so now comes the deeper part of the relationship. I have learned how they react when they are upset or happy or, well many different emotions, and they have finally started feeling comfortable enough to share things with me and to let their guard down. This time of the year is always very bittersweet for me because these babies who I have grown to know and love are telling me deep and important things about their lives and soon they will be out of my class. I remember telling my grandmother last year how much of a bittersweet time this was. I am finally getting to know them, and soon they will be out of my class. We are doing these writings in class right now. They get to do a memoir-like project where they get to talk about their lives. We also are reading a book that has much today with societal norms amongst the poor. It is interesting to watch them read this and then think about their own lives. Not every single one of them is below or on the poverty line, but many are. Many don't really see their parents or really even know who their parents are. They have a love/hate relationship with school. They hate it because they have to do work, they love it because they get to see Teachers and Administrators and Friends that love them. Today was one of those bittersweet days. There was a lot of good that happened and some frustrating things that happened as well. I love them so much, even when they come in and are completely checked out. There is usually always a reason for them being checked out. As a teacher, it is sometimes hard for me to always recognize that. I get frustrated with the kid standing not even 2 inches from my face and wanting to hug me and talk to me about her day (when it has just started...) or the kids that are constantly yelling "Miss. Kep, Miss. Kep, Miss.Kep..." when I am trying to do something else. I get so frustrated in that moment.."Don't they see I am doing something.." I think selfishly, rather then embracing them and trying to live in the moment.

On days like this I get frustrated. Especially when I think over my day and think of what all I was doing and think whether I could have been more loving or more intentional with my sweet kiddos. As I have taken on more responsibilities at work, it is bound to be like this most of the time. My attention will unfortunately be divided. But, more times than not I hope that I am conscious of being intentional with the kiddos. With my English babies when I am supposed to be with my English babies, and with my Cheerleading girls, when I am supposed to be with my Cheerleading girls. There is so much to be distracted by, but there is also so much to do if I am concentrated on the task at hand...whomever I am supposed to be with at that moment.

I think as life gets busier, we all tend to face this. We get bombarded and busy and don't pay attention or catch things that may be super important to others, or even to ourselves. We get bogged down with what we feel we must do at that moment, rather than living in that moment. This is just something I am thinking on. My life as a single person is bound to get much busier eventually. I watch my friends at school with kids and how they have to juggle those things and be present when they are with their kids at home, and then leave that and then try to be fully present when they are with our babies at school. It is just a hard thing, I think, when you get busy and you feel overwhelmed or you have so many things on your plate and you want to be great at all of them. When this happens to me I tend to try to do everything at once, instead of stopping and taking one thing at a time. This is something I need to work on and saw ever so clearly today, and recently.

Tryouts for Cheerleading are this week. I will be very ready for that to be over...but until then I I will try to be patient and present with whomever I am with or speaking with and try not to focus on what I am stressed out about. This second-year teacher is learning...maybe by the time I am in my 20-something year of this I will have learned how to do it well.

Love you guys and hope you are at home and listening to the wonderful rain!

Until Later,

Bruised Reed

2010-03-21T08:28:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow starts the first day that I will officially be the head Cheerleading coach for Arlington. To say that I am a bit nervous, might possibly be an understatement.

This year has been one that has started out fast and furious and not exactly slowing down for me to take a breather. I know the new year started out in January, but I feel as though December has been part of this long season for me. (Well, really part of the hard season started long before that) My papa is very sick. He is the most amazing man. He loves the Lord, and has been through way more sickness than most people. A little background on my Papa- He had a heart attack when I was 16, and had to have heart surgery to repair what was going on in his heart. I saw him have another heart attack when I went to see him in the ICU and I watched as the nurses and doctors rushed in and shocked his body back into being stable. From there he has had many more heart problems, and many more surgeries. He has been in the hospital more times than I can count on two hands. He has had cancer...in two different places. From there he has more heart problems and had to have a defibrillator put inside him to help regulate his heart. With his heart issues, he also has infasema. With that comes breathing problems and lots of them, which doesn't help the heart issue. All this said, I have watched this man who I have always loved really transform in his walk with Christ. Our Sweet Jesus has been so very good. He really has transformed his heart and brought him back to Him through all this sickness. It's pretty ironic sometimes the way that Christ woos us to Him. It is usually in ways that we can never conceive or begin to plan for ourselves. At least that is the way that it is for me. The Lord is so gracious to us. He is JEALOUS for us! How awesome is that? He loves us that much. He loves us enough that he died one of the most TERRIBLE deaths just to be able to say that we are His and that our sins are forgiven. When I think that way, I wonder why I worry about any outside thing. Afflictions, or whatever you would like to call them, they are conquered by his affections for us. No matter what happens to us...we have Christ. A king who died for us and loves us even when we are disobedient, crazy children. I know our sin grieves Him, but I also tend to think that when we try to make our own plans he may just laugh a bit because, oh, if we only knew what He had planned for our lives.

I am a person who likes to plan. I mean, I have been planning on being a teacher since I was five. As life has progressed, the Lord has graciously allowed me to teach and do something that stirs my affections for him EVERY SINGLE DAY. To get to say that my work is something that draws me towards Christ is something that I am extremely grateful for. He desires to do good. I have had such a hard time accepting that for awhile. I get in this cycle of thinking that it's okay to plan for good things for others, but that will not happen for me. Now, do not hear me preaching any prosperity gospel here. People all over the Bible are killed for what they believe and sometimes do not always see the fruition of what they started, but God is still glorified through that. My point, however, is believing in the fact that the Lord desires to do good. He desires for his renown to be known and for us to know him at a more intimate level. He desires for us to seek Him, and be completely okay if it was just Him and I forever. The Lord has had me in a period of waiting here lately. And by here lately, I mean for awhile. This has been a bit of a harder season, because outside of many things that I have gone through I have constantly seen the Lord's hand in everything that He has me apart of in the past, where as this season I have not really understood why he has me where He does.. This season has been harder because, one- I am not patient, and two- I have trust issues. The Lord has shown me that I have major trust issues with Him. I desire to do things on my own time table instead of His. Even as the Lord has been teaching me this, oh, for at least the past 4 years, I still many times more than not try to control the outcome. Which, news flash to Ash, that is not possible. That only seems to make things worse and cause more pain for me and sometimes others. The Lord is just so cool in how He has been working on and transforming my heart. The people he has brought into my life, that friends that he has me share my life with, and just in general where he has placed me. I have been so upset that I am living so far from everyone and not understanding why the Lord has me where I am...even though I enjoy it most times. (See how I am like a child who doesn't get her way??) I have cried out to the Lord over things that have even happened this year, with my Papa, and my apartment, and even as far as just what my kids have to go through whom I teach at school. Honestly, I have thrown a pity party...and then come to the Lord apologizing for my hearts posture. Every time the Lord has taken me back in and loved on me (and quite frankly never had to take me back in because He always had me). I don't deserve good, or patience from Him, yet he gives it to me...daily. He has taken things, even from almost 4 years ago and healed those areas of my life. He has used those things to reveal other dark places in my heart and show me what I need to work on and what I need to surrender to Him. He has showed me how gracious He is and how he really is Abba. I can crawl up into his lap anytime and tell him my troubles and He will listen. There is also good when I sit and listen to Him. He has taught me a lot about faith, especially in the past four months, and is continuing to teach me. The fact that He does this for me is way beyond my comprehension. The fact that He loves me that much and He has made that known to me is just phenomenal. He is teaching me that in the midst of sadness, or loneliness, or in a time where you do not understand what He is doing, to trust Him. It can be the smallest of trust and He will take it. (Even though I long to trust Him fully with every sector of my life...)

"I know that my redeemer lives."

Job 19:25

"You half think it presumption to say, 'He lives as my Redeemer,' yet remember: if you have a faith that is only the size of a grain of mustard seed, that little faith entitles you to say it. But there is also another word here, indicative of Job's strong confidence: 'I know.' To say, ' I hope so,' or 'I trust so' is easy and there are thousands in the fold of Jesus who hardly get much further. But to reach the essence of consolation, you must say, 'I know.' Ifs, buts and perhapses are sure murderers of peace and comfort. Doubts are dreary things in times of sorrow. Like wasps, they sting the soul! If I have any suspicion that Christ is not mine, then there is a vinegar mingled with the gall of death; but if I know that Jesus lives for me, then darkness is not dark."

"If you come to Him, He will say 'Amen' in your soul; His promise will be true to you. Jesus fulfilled the words of the prophet, 'A bruised reed shall not break' (Isaiah 42:3). O poor, broken, bruised heart, if you come to Him, He will say 'Amen' to you and that will be as true in your soul as in hundreds of cases in years past. Christian is not comforting to you also that there is not a word that has gone out of the Savior's lips that He has ever retracted? The words of Jesus will stand when Heaven and Earth pass away. If you take hold of but half a promise, you find it to be true. Beware of him who Bunyan called "Clip-promise," who destroys much of the comfort of God's Word. He does not doubt the promise, but he clips the edge of it. He suggests that the promise will not be fulfilled, only a part of it. But Jesus said, "yea, and...Amen.' (2 Cor 1:20) in all His offices. He was a Priest to pardon and cleanse once, He is Amen is Priest still. He was King to rule and reign for His people and to defend them with His mighty arm, and He is an Amen King, the same still. He was prophet of old to fortell good things to come, and His lips are sweet and drip with honey still. He is an Amen prophet. He is Amen in every single title that he bears; your Husband, never seeking a divorce; your friend, sticking closer than a brother; your shepherd, with you in death's dark vale. He is your help and your deliverer; your castle and your high tower; the horn of your strength, your confidence, your joy, your all in all, and in everything, your 'yea, and ...Amen."

(Charles Spurgeon)

With all this said, I am excited what the Lord is about to do. I am expectant. Even if things go bad, He is teaching me there is more fullness of Him in that. It is not to say that I will always handle the pain or whatever is going on in the best possible way, but oh, how I long to be completely content in light of His grace and mercy.

Thanks for listening. :) Love you guys...All three of you. ;)

GET THIS!!!

2010-03-09T13:20:00.000-08:00

Ahhh, breath of fresh air my friends.

Three of my favorite songs we sing at the Village are on this Cd-

Healing is in your hands, Our God and How He loves us!

Love you guys!! Hope you are having a WONDERFUL day on this BEAUTIFUL DAY! It is almost Spring...I can feel it!!! ;)

Wait.

2010-03-08T14:30:00.000-08:00

Some things I am LOVING in "Passion and Purity"...

"Never pass up an oppurtunity to keep your mouth shut" is a good rule that harmonizes with scripture..."Keep your mouth shut and show your good sense". "...The man who talks too much meets his deserts," and "When men talk too much, sin is never far away; common sense holds its tongue.''

How long must I wait, Lord?

Never mind, child. Trust me.

"When the will of God crosses the will of Man," Addison Leitch said, "Somebody has to die." Life requires countless "little" deaths- occasions when you are given the chance to say no to self and yes to God.

We die in order to live.

What to do with Loneliness-

Be still and know that he is God.

Remember that you are not alone.

Give thanks.

Refuse self-pity.

Accept your loneliness.

offer your loneliness up to God.

Do something for somebody else.

rebellion- if this is the will of God for me now, He doesn't love me.

rejection- If this is the what God is giving me, I won't have any part of it.

faith- God knows exactly what He is doing.

acceptance- He loves me. He plans good things for me. I'll take it.

"Through affairs of the heart God uncovers our true intentions..."

(All of the above is from Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot)

God is teaching me much about waiting. Waiting for what I am not quite sure of right now...but I know He, alone, is able to do much in very mighty ways. My prayer is that he continues to show me to trust Him in uncertain times and be faithful with what he has given me right now. More than anything the Lord keeps bringing out in scriputre the words 'trust' and 'wait'. I am also seeing so much of what the woman's job is, and that is to wait patiently. The Lord will come. The Lord will act mightly and give me the desires of my heart, and if he doesn't give me my desires of my heart, He will mold my desires to be His if I seek after Him. I know now that I must focus on my babies at school and that I am to be faithful and loving in all of my relationships with others. No matter where the Lord has me, or what He has me to do, may I say and know that I am His and His alone and wherever He may have me go, may I say "Yes, Lord."

2010-03-02T18:27:00.001-08:00

I would be silly to think that many people follow my blog. I think the idea of blogs are so cool, but then sometimes you feel more like you are talking to yourself...or rather, venting. Nevertheless, I still blog. :)

I feel as though I am always wordy and without pictures. If I was not so technically challenged I would put more pictures on here. But, for now, my writing will have to suffice.

I have a new hero. Not that she has necessarily taken the place of any of the other heroines in my life, but oh, how I already love her. I have picked up the book "Passion and Purity" here lately. You may be thinking...Oh, Ash- another dating book. But, oh how this is so much more. This woman's life is incredible. I am not even done with the book yet, but oh my how I love her and how Christ is speaking to me through her story. You should read it if you have not....and single girls, you should especially read it! You will find such wisdom and really may be able to relate with her and where she was when she was your age (my age, our age...). I am not even done with her story and she blows me away. She is a true heroine in the Christian faith and just such an encouragement while reading. I mean seriously, if you are down in the dumps about dating, or life, or just where you are....read this story! I am sure the Lord will speak to you, just as he has to me, if you ask it of Him! Oh, how I love when he shows up...and how he does it often.

Love you guys!

Reality Check for Miss. Kep

2010-02-25T14:48:00.000-08:00

There are times when I do not always see the silver lining. I tend to not see anything that could possibly go good for ME in a situation. I do not tell you this to get your pity..actually, I am telling you this for quite the oppisite reaction. One thing, I have seen ever so frequently lately is the fact that I am selfish. Soo, sooo selfish. I am constantly thinking about what I can get out of a situation, and probably loving on people, at times, for that reason as well. Sadly, this has been shown through what the Lord is teaching me. I guess, maybe it isn't sad...it is just sad for me because I see how wicked my little soul can be.

Someone got shot at my apartments yesterday around 12. The first thing I thought about was not whether the people were okay, but what vicinity they were to my apartment. Did someone break into my apartment? Did someone mess with my stuff or my dog? Then, when I found out what was on the news and also checked my apartment my mind turned to blame. How could the apartments let this go on? Where am I living? Why would this happen to MY apartment complex. (Recognizing a theme here anyone???) Oh yes, that is right, I was worried about me, and scared. Being scared might be warranted, but my reaction was not. I realized that today when I was talking to my kids. My kids, as I have said before, do not have the best lives. They are living in areas where people getting shot at is the norm. Their family members do drugs and sell drugs. They are constantly having to make sure that they are safe and trying to take precautionary measures to be safe. One of these measures is more times than not either joining a gang, or getting to know certain people who will protect them. Today when I said that someone had gotten shot at my apartment complex, some kids told me thier stories. I found out some of my kids live alone. Some of my kids have pulled guns on people because they had a gun pulled on them. Some of my babies have had thier apartments broken into and many things stolen, but no mom or dad in the picture, so they are left to fin for themselves. The thing that killed me about all thier stories today was the fact that they think it's okay. They think that it is normal to "sleep with a loaded gun under their pillow", or for thier place to be repeatedly broken into, for them to be treated less than they are for the way they look and how they have grown up, for thier families to be in gangs, to go get high to forget about the day...I could go on and on. I do not tell you this to alarm you at what kind of shenanigans are going on at my school, and for some of you whom have never interacted with babies like mine, you might be oh, so ignorant to say that they deserve it. But, oh, how I can tell you that they don't. These are lovely people. A little rough on the outside, but they have the BEST hearts. I call them my family, and I really mean it. I love them. I want what is best for them, and oh, how selfish I felt and silly when I heard their stories. Miss. Kep, young white girl with money to spare is complaining about the fact that someone got shot in her apartment complex, when they have seen this many of times. I literally have more students than I can count on two hands that have seen people get shot and actually die. I am not joking you. And I know they aren't lying. Death is very real to them, and where I am sure there are way rougher schools than ours, I can assure you that these babies have to deal with hard stuff and come from hard things. Today I even had a kid tell me he smoked weed because he started failing his classes and the only way to make himself feel better was to start that. My kids are hurting. My kids, although not always in the right, and at times do fib to people about things, really, really, REALLY need Jesus. They need someone to care. They need love. Oh, how I long for that for them. Oh, how I long that they graduate and move on in life.

Oh, how we need Jesus.

This song has been on my heart today, so I "youtubed" a video of it for y'all to watch!

go here!

love you and again...thanks for listening.

A thought in the morning.

2010-02-24T04:21:00.000-08:00

One thing I am learning about my relationship with Christ is that there are going to be many different seasons. Where if you are a weathered Christian, you probably already know this and have been through it. You go through many different seasons, and the Lord chooses to grow you in many different ways and through many different venues. This time around the Lord is teaching me one really big thing... it is all about Him.

I am selfish and idolatrous. And when it comes down to it, the thing that I am constantly making an idol is me. I want what is best for Ashley, not what is best for the kingdom more times than not. It grieves my soul that I am like this. I think I have seen it ever so clearly the past couple of days, which is hard and heavy, but I know is for my good. The Lord is ever so sweet to show me these things. I think I tend to forget what He has taught me in the past, thus why this lesson may be so hard this time around. Thank Jesus, though, that He chose me to teach this lesson to.

It's not about me. It is ALL about him. It is not about my good...it is about HIS and in that I will find joy. Oh, that my heart will see this as truth.

Love you guys.

White as Snow

2010-02-11T16:58:00.001-08:00

As I sit here, while the snow is falling and I am in my comfy apartment under a big, warm blanket, I am thankful. This year has started out with such a bang, if you will. Not exactly how I would have planned it, but it also could have been worse.

As I was driving to work today the snow really did have me thinking about the Lord's grace. Snow is constantly used in the bible referring to how he blots out our sin and makes us white as snow. Have you ever noticed how pretty everything is when it snows? It is beautiful. Even the school I work at, which is the oldest in Arlington, was beautiful today. The trees are beautiful, the ground, where there once was mud, is beautiful. The field where the grass is sparse is now beautiful from the covering of the white snow. It is kind of hard not to think how amazing our Sweet Lord is that he does that for us. He covers us. He covers our sins and makes us white as snow. He forgets what we have done, and remembers how He loved us so much to send His only Son for our forgiveness...to blot out anything you have done today.

As I get older I am realizing how much life does not always look how you planned it. I tend to get disappointed and sometimes act like a little child when this plays out in my life. The Lord has been sweet enough to give me a swift kick in the butt and let me see this. But, it has been ever so lovingly. I have finally gotten to the point again where if I am not in the word, I am longing for it. I have realized how much I miss out on when I do not spend that time with Him. I have also realized how many people around me are hurting. The Lord really has put me in a place that I need to be. I can stamp my feet and be upset that I am in Arlington, versus being in amazing, trendy, cool Dallas where many more things are...or I can be thankful that the Lord has placed me where He has. To be honest, the past couple of weeks I have wondered why the Lord has me where He has me. Why has my life ended up the way it has? Why can't I be around more friends? Why are all my close friends married and I am still single and 'that working girl'? :) This is where the little girl in me comes out. Instead of seeking the Lord and being thankful for this sweet, uninteruppted time with Him, I choose to stamp my feet and complain about the stage of life where He has me. Sad, huh? Ya see, what I am learning, is as humans, we tend to think that the grass is greener on the other side. When, in all actuality, it is probably about the same just with different problems that present themselves in different ways. What I am trying to say is the Lord has really been sweet to me in the past few weeks. For a very long time I got to cry out to Him and tell him all my worries. Literally, crying out to Him. Where in that moment, I was very upset and not understanding what was going on and why I was feeling the way I was feeling, I really did feel the Lord's presence. I just asked Him to show up...to show me where I am. Why he has me here. Since then, the Lord has showed me sooo much through His Word and just through interactions with other people. I have even recieved these emails from parents about my role in thier child's life. Where all that may just seem coincidental, let me tell you my friend, it is not. It is the Lord gently and lovingly showing me He is here. He hasn't left me. He hasn't suddently forgotten where He has placed me. He knows what He is doing.

All this can look like complaining, and where I promise that is not what I am trying to accomplish with this blog, I can see where you might see this. I think my song has been more of a I am single, on a quest to mingle too many times, versus just being happy where I am. The Lord is really showing me Who He is...not who I think He might be. I have such a problem with grace so many times more than not, and so what He is showing me above all is what grace looks like. Showing me what thwarted pride looks like and why I have been in the siutuations I have been in, and just how much He loves me. I seem to forget that He has blotted out my sins. That he doesn't love Ashley five to ten years down the road when I have it together a little bit more, but rather loves me now. That is hard for little miss. perfectionist to accept sometimes. I would rather throw a pity party (because even though I am sad in those times, that is what they are) then see what grace he is offering me. I would rather be mad at myself for what I have messed up doing, or what I am not doing enough of, rather than just being still and accepting grace for my sins. I am still the process of learning this because even though I have known about grace my entire life, I feel like I am learning grace a little differently now. Learning it through teaching, who the Lord has placed in my life, and mainly THE BIBLE. :) I am reading Knowing God by J.I. Packer right now (if you have not read this book I highly recommend it) and he writes this on the knowledge of God:

Nor, I think, would may of us ever naturally say that in the light of the knowledge of God which we have come to enjoy, past disappointments and present heatbreaks, as the world counts heartbreaks, don't matter. For the plain fact that to most of us they do matter. We live wiht them as our "crosses" (so we call them). Constantly we find ourselves slipping into bitterness and apathy and gloom as we reflect on them which we frequently do....

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Jesus Christ," wrote Paul. "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him...I was to know Christ" (Phil 3:7-10). When Paul says he counts the things he lost rubbish, or dung (KJV), he means not merely that he does no think of them as having any value, but also that he does not live with them constantly in his mind: what normal person spends his time nostalgically dreaming of manure? Yet this, in effect, is what many of us do. It shows how little we have in the way of knowledge of God.

All this to say I am thankful for what the Lord is showing me. I am still ungrateful many more times than not, but I am glad the Lord is choosing to me show me what He is.

I will leave ya with this verse-

I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like a midst; return to me, for I have redeemed you.

Isaiah 44:22

Love you guys. Until Later!

An atempt to unpack my life.

2010-01-30T13:32:00.000-08:00

"And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age."

Matthew 28:20

(Below are some excerpts from The Power of the Cross by Charles Stanley)

"If you are in a position where you know that you cannot do something in and of your own strength, and that unless you completely trust God to do the work in you and through you, you will fail, then you are in the best possible position for the task to be accomplished. God knew before He asked you to do something that you couldn't do it by yourself. Ask the Lord to show you the first step that you need to take toward the goal. Do what He shows you do with all your strength, might, and talent. And then look for the second step that He leads you to take."

"I cannot do this, God, but You can. I'm willing to do whatever You tell me to do, but You'll have to provide the energy, the ideas, the resources, and the talent in order for this to get done."

The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid? Ps. 27:1

God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Ps.46:1

Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God. 2 Cor. 3:5

" When you are feeling burned out....

1. Put yourself into a position to rest. Take a long enough break for your body to mend, your mind to clear, and your heart to heal.

2. Ask the Lord to show you how to trust Him more.

3. Admit to the Lord that you are responsible for your burnout tendencies. Ask the Lord to show you what to do about the inner pain and emotional baggage that may be driving you to strive relentlessly for approval and perfection." "Lord, take the inner pain and the driving force within me causing restlessness and frustration. I release the responsibilities of my life to You. Show me how to lighten my load."

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matt. 11:28

Cast your burden on the Lord, And He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved. Ps. 55:22

Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

The past 4 months have been something that I am not used to. They have been non-stop. Now where I am never one to like to just sit, I have longed for it lately. Not even just longed, but really needed it. (Which is what I am getting at the moment due to being sick and not really having another option). One thing I am having to learn to do is rest in the Lord. One would say that patience is not one of my greatest attributes. And the word waiting has never been one of my favorite words.

In the past four months I have gone through a breakup with a guy I really did like, my papa has been really sick (near-death sick), my apartment has flooded and my stuff was ruined, I have started to take over a cheerleading program, my brother got married, and school has been a bit crazy with changes and such, and just in general life has been hectic. Now, I would be silly to think that I am the only one who has such things in thier life, however, I also think I need to notice it is time for me to take a breath. In talking to my mom yesterday in a near panic, she said, "Ash, you have to look at everything you have had going on in the past 4 months. You have had a lot on you plate, and no time to really process or rest in the meantime." The thing is, I just want to go ALL OF THE TIME. I never want to stop. When something stops I tend to just throw myself into something else. What I am finding is with me constantly throwing myself into things or activities, I am giving myself NO time to rest in the Lord. None.

I went to Hawaii a few weeks ago. It was beautiful, and quite honestly I had some amazing one-on-one time with the Lord. My sweet brother got married to the love of his life. And where it was a wonderful get-away, as soon as we got back I hit the ground running. I was trying to move back into my apartment, keep up with school, get everything organized and ready for my kids, and also get ready to take over the Varisty cheerleading program. The thing is...we all need time to rest. And there are going to be times when we hit rock-bottom. I think I have met my point. I think this sickness came at just the right time. I know may be a little silly to write...I only have fluish like stuff, not anything life-threatening...but if I have not learned anything else from the Lord, I have learned this...he will make you rest and get before Him when it is needed. I have tried feverishly to take everything into my own hands and make everything work. The thing is, I am not the one who can make everything work seemlessly together; only He can. And when I start to try to do this on my own, I only realize how very dependent I am on my God and how very inadaquate I am without him. I have no clue how people do things in their own strength because anytime I try to do that I fall flat on my face. I lose perspective. I forgot why I am teaching. Why I am taking over the Cheer program. I forget almost how to do things. I can't remember why I am in the place that I am. I can't seem to find focus and at times, when I am in the place, if I am drawing near to God, I am not really drawing near because it is on my terms.

The thing is that the Lord has placed me in this time for a reason. I am single right now for a reason. I have all the responsiblities I have at school, for a reason. Everything has happened for a reason, and regardless of the way I feel about my present situation, I have to look to Christ for any sort of validation or wholeness that I need. When I start looking to the left or the right for this validation, or acceptance, or understanding, I will be deeply disapointed. What I am finding is NOT ONE THING or PERSON can fill me like Christ. And the frustrating thing in all this, is I know that. But I act like I don't. And quite honestly, I more or less seem to not really "know" in my heart that Christ is sufficient. He is where I have to find my worth. He is where I have to go to find rest and peace and understanding and love. He is the only one that will complete me, and in this season of unknown and newness, I have to trust that He is sufficient and HE ALONE is where I will find rest and acceptance. I have to trust Him with the people in my life who are sick and aren't well. I have to trust Him in what my school has entrusted me with. I have to trust Him with where He has put me and what He is doing and yet to do.

I just have to trust. If you ever read my blog, you might be thinking...this girl has written this same thing about 50 times. You are so right. But thank God, He has yet to grow tired of me and I can still go to Him when I am doubtful and fearful of what is to come.

Praise Him in that.

I love you all. Thanks for listening. As soon as I get my camera thingy up and running I will put up pictures of my brother's wedding. It was beautiful.

Until later.

What a week.

2010-01-29T12:39:00.000-08:00

There are days you know exactly what you are doing. Why you do it, and why it makes you happy. Then there are days that you really wonder why, oh why do you do what you do? No the kind of 'why am I doing this' where you want to quit entirely...but defintely puts you in a place where you wonder why things are the way they are. Why do people suffer? Why is that the way it has to be? Why can't everyday just be a day in which everything goes right. Where everything, even if it seems to not be falling in the right place, will somehow, some way, find its place. The past few days have been exhausting to say the least. Due to the part of blogging that is not exactly private, I cannot release the details of why it has been so bad. Let's just say the rain really does seem to make people crazy. It seems to make people act in ways that would not usually.

School has been hard lately. This week is has been a see-saw of ups and downs. At one moment I see such growth in my kids and then on the other hand these details are revealed about their lives that make me just want to cry out for them. You have heard me say this before, but these kids have it harder than many other people I have ever known. Then you think outside of that. What is happening to the people that you love. My pastor has a brain tumor. Even though we go to a big church, he has been someone who has really impacted my life with only personally really talking to him a couple of times. You wonder why things like this happen to such amazing Godly, people. You read the word, and somewhat understand, but I still do not think it takes away our longing to see an end to all this. Then you even look outside of that, what is happening on a global/world level. Haiti. Have you watched Marc Driscoll's sermon on Haiti. He recently went to Haiti. It is heartbreaking. I guess my point is, this is one of those weeks where you know what you believe, but you also know you need to be reminded of why you do what you do. Why is it that I teach these kids that don't seem to be thankful sometimes. Why do these babies have to hurt? Can I handle everything I have taken on? When are people who are hurting going to be healed? Why is there so much bad?

The thing is...I can read the answers to these questions...but are they engraven on my heart? Do I truely understand my place here on Earth? Do I understand that the Lord has a purpose for my life, and at times it is going to be frustrating and that I am going to be needing a clear reminder of why I believe what I do. I think my problem with this is feeling like I should just be confident in what Christ is doing...no matter the circumstance. Little Miss. Disbelief, as I have refered to myself before, is having a hard time this week. But, one thing I do know...through all this struggling, God is good. God has a plan, regardless of whether it is even in the ballpark of what my dreams have been...HE KNOWS. Praise him for that.

Until later.

The year of learning...a very wordy post. :)

2010-01-02T09:27:00.000-08:00

That is what I would like to call this past year. It was very much a year of learning and the Lord providing different understandings upon my heart. I would have to say that this past year truely was a year of growth. I started to date, I found out how bad I am at dating (who is good at that..), I saw glimpses into my soul through what the Lord has shown me that were at times ugly, but I was thankful for seeing. I grew with my kids at school and I was pushed out of my comfort zone into places I have never been. I have gotten to become apart of these babies lives and it has pushed me more towards Christ than probably any other thing has in my life. I am so thankful for my job. I am so thankful for His grace in what I do. I am so thankful that He has allowed me to do something in which I get to be there and love on kids daily. I am even thankful for my crazy cheerleading position. The Lord is teaching me so much about myself and who I am through HIM. So often I try to take control and so often when I do this things backfire. As He continues to teach me that I am nothing without Him and that I am so much more successful when I trust in His direction for my life, I somehow am still amazed everytime this happens. It like a lightbulb comes on in a dark room, and then I can remember that I have been through almost the same exact thing not too long ago, and if I would have just resolved to trust and believe what the Lord showed me last time with almost this same particular situation, I would probably not be going through this growing pain again. :) But, I also know that the Lord knows me WAY better than I know myself, so He has a reason that I go through this over and over again.

The Lord has been so gracious to me in the past 6 years. (Well he has always been gracious, but let's just say I am way more aware of it than I have ever been before). I have had such a hard time with accepting who I am. From the way I look, to the way I am in just the everyday. I have truely struggled with worldy things such as my looks and what I bring to the table. I have desired to be desired and still at times desire both of these things very much. I have been through various trials with these very things and the Lord has brought me through them and through some of the toughest times, He has shown me He is not only enough, but He is also the only one that can sustain me and hold me in the what I might believe to be the hardest time in my life.

As I continue to learn what it is to be a woman of the Lord and to truely strive for His glorification, not my own, I am struck with how very wonderful He is. How great is our God and King that he has chosen me to love and to teach. How great is He that even when I don't understand or may shake my fist at Him and what I think is going on, he knew I would do that before time and still loves me. How great is our God and King that he decided to die on the cross for my sins and loves me more than I could ever imagine. And how great is our God and King that he continue to pursue my depraved soul even when I decide that I can control a situation far better than He.

How great is He who has saved. How great is He.

Therefore, preparing your minds for action and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 1:13

my soul yearns to be completely His and His alone...

Thanks for listening,

Ashie

The truth is...

2009-12-27T18:24:00.000-08:00

I have been faced with something in the past few years that I believe the Lord is continually using to show me how CONTROL He is in every situtation, and very NOT in control I am. The name of this game is (drum roll please...) dating.

Yes, I said it, dating.

Let's be real honest. I don't know many people who enjoy the game of dating. And that is what it very much is...a game. Meet the players, Ashley and said boy. Said boy takes Ashley on a date. If it is good it continues on in such a manner and eventually you call each other boyfriend/girlfriend. There is one thing that is not really a game...or shouldn't be anyways, and that is getting vulnerable. Taking your gaurd down. I don't feel like you really get prepared for such things. And one big thing that I am realizing is one, you cannot base your relationships on other people's. You can learn a lot from others, but when it comes down to it, you are the only one that knows how to be you...and what you want. This has taken me YEARS to figure out. And one would say that I have not mastered this thinking quite yet. But what is dropping your gaurd? The thing about dating is you have to really take the time to get to know someone. In a way its about being selfless, because it is a giving of your time. Sure, you are suppossed to have fun, so it shouldn't be hard, but then again, there are emotional parts of letting your gaurd down. What if that person rejects you? What if they don't like who you are or what you are about? What I am learning is this is all risks we have to take if we want to someone to know us. Really know us. It won't come in a month, maybe not even in a year, but one thing I am learning is that the Lord calls us to be real. Where I do not need to empty out all my junk in front of the said boy on date one, eventually I will have to get real with that person. I will have to hope that no matter what I have done, or where I have been that that person will see my heart. That they will respect that, and want to know me on a deeper level because of the person I have become through those struggles and mess-ups. Who knows who I will end up with, but it is refreshing to me that the Lord is showing me all these things. This may be old news to some of you. You may be one that already has it figured out...but for me I am still learning on this front and how gracious and loving is our God that he has been patient with me through so many different trials and struggles that He is still loving enough to show me where I fall short and how I can fall into his arms. Grace is always waiting and I praise Him for that.

Let the dating saga begin.

My Best Friend is getting MARRIED!!!

2009-12-03T18:00:00.000-08:00

ODE TO ELISE MARIE THOMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted to do a celebratory post in my friend, Elise Marie THOMA's honor :) Lise will be getting married in about a week and this weekend we will have her bacholoerette bash!

Elise has been such an amazing friend to me. She has truly been one of those friends in which I know I can count on for anything and everything. She will drop anything for a person. She is SO caring and is so passionately in love with the Lord! :) (And Brad..hehehe:)) She loves with all her heart and she has truly been with me as I have been grown, shaped and molded by the Lord. She has encouraged and never judged, and always been ever-so-truthful with me. Needless to say after all this, I just love her. I am very excited that her big day is almost here and to celebrate this I would like to post some pictures of us!!!

More to come...this is just the preview! :)

One More Thing...

2009-12-01T18:30:00.000-08:00

I want to share one more thing. I would like you to go to Lauren Chandler's, Matt Chandler's wife's blog. These are the people who lead us at our church. I love them. I love their trust in our awesome God. What an awesome example of what we should do in the heart of uncertainty. Trust Him :)

Matt went to the doctor today and they found out the mass was a tumor. They will be removing it on Friday. Please continue to pray for complete healing and for the entire family. Love you guys!

www.themchandlers.blogspot.com

Where my heart lies tonight...

2009-12-01T16:46:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wonder why certain things are the way that they are? I am guessing you do, or hoping at least. I feel like the Lord definetly does things in way that seems foriegn to us, but obviously competely make sense to Him. Well, I know this because it says that in the Bible, but I think I am at a point where I just am a little baffled at why things are the way that they are. For instance...why am I saved and there are others that are not at all? How come I got chosen, but others can't seem to grasp what I know to be true? It tears my heart apart quite frankly. And even though I know that that is the way it is, and everything is for his greater glory...It makes me feel sad. I can honestly say I have never been burdened for the lost until this past year. They are for reasons that I will not go into detail here on the blog...one of them I can tell you is teaching. I watch these kids, and quite frankly other people I know around my age ask if you have such a loving God and your God is so "non-judgmental" why would he send people to hell? Why does he not just accept gays? How come Christians are some of the most unhappy, judgemental people that I know? Why did my parents split up then? Why is my life so bad then? Why would I have been abused if there was a God...how is that good? What about the inconsistencies of the Bible? Where some of their theology is off, there are also some of those questions that I cannot answer. Where it is unfair to stereotype the whole of Christians a certain way, I cannot say that half the time that proves to be untrue. What frustrates me the most is I know how I feel. I know Christ has won me over, heart, soul and mind, and changed me from the inside out yet I cannot even begin to articulate for people the answer to those questions. So frustrating...and the even more frustrating part, is I don't believe they see that judgmental side from me (or hope not at least), but I feel like you have to make up for all of the people whom act like this many more times than not. (Which let's be competly honest, if you know me well, I am SURE I have been judgemental...but you know what I am saying). That judge constantly instead of just loving. Shoot, Christ loved everyone. EVERYONE. Even the people that nailed him to the cross. Even the people that denied him, but to his face said they loved Him. He loved the screw-ups...which I hate to break it to ya...is all of us. I just get frustrated when I get so tounge-tied. When nothing can seem to move a person to see the incredible love that is just waiting for them if they accept it. But, the Lord wills the heart...not I, so I need to stop being so frustrated, right? I don't know what it is in me lately, but it has just been bothering me. Why can some people see the Lord's grace, but others can just look past it like the it's just a brand of peanut butter and some like it chewy and some like smooth. (Okay, terrible example...but I need some sort of Ashley-ism, comic relief, what the heck is she writing somewhere in this...) So, this is where I am at. Why can't everyone know him. I know, because that isn't what the Lord has. But, I think a little more understanding would serve me greatly.

I love you all. Thanks for listening to me vent...all two of you ;)

take a deep breathe.

2009-11-06T15:13:00.001-08:00

there are times when you get a little side-tracked on what you are actually doing. you look at the bad things that are happening, or have been happening, instead of looking at what you need to be looking at...or the things that are most important. you think about the things that suck, the things that aren't going right, and the injustices that you feel are being put on you. these are the days that i don't seem to really like, but ones in which I have been having constantly. instead of looking that the reasons you are doing what you are doing, you look at every extenuating circumstance that has you going crazy at the moment. when i think about how often i have been doing that lately versus just being there for my kids and putting the stress aside, it makes me a little sick, and a little sad. why am i at the school i am at? is it to complain about how the district is imposing things on the teachers that i think is a little ridiculous...or is it to be there for the kid who just found out his mom has a couple of months to live? am i there to complain about my work load, or am i there to see what huge strides these babies are making in a life they don't always know is worth living? am i there to take it out on my kids that i can't get everything organized, or am i there to show that kiddo that does not have much love at home some love??

things to think about, huh? i am thinking...and reevaluating.

Update for Ashie

2009-10-31T10:01:00.001-07:00

It is morning's like this that I LOVE and miss, but am ever so thankful for when I do actually have them. I am just sitting on my couch, TV on in the background and sipping on coffee, which I might add is simply perfection. (My new thing is I put a little nutmeg in my coffee and it adds a bit of Christmas Joy!).

I miss having mornings, or weekends like this. They seem to be few and far between here lately, but I guess it just makes me even more thankful when I do have them. I know I have been a little absent from the blogging world here lately, but the things that I have wanted to blog about I felt were either a little too personal, or had a lack of interesting quality, so thus, I have not written. So here are a few things to catch you up on-

1. School- It is great. I have new kiddos, a new year- new kids, and it has been different. I got super attached to my kiddos last year, but I have started to become just as attached and love these kids just as much. It has been fun having more kids that I know at the school because I get to give my old kids hugs and encouragement, and continuing building relationships with them, while building new ones with the new kiddos :) I have about 32 in all of my classes. Needless to say this is a little overwhelming at times. One class I have so many personalities I barely know what to do with them...but the Lord shows me patience, so I try to show them that same thing. There is not a lack of problems that these kids have to deal with, and I am thankful for the Lord has allowed me a chance to talk with them and try to show them love daily. I am also thankful for a Principal that really believes in our kids at school. It is encouraging and helps you keep going when you get down.

2. Cheerleading- I love my girls...but I am getting a little worn out. I have recently taken over Varisty (just for about two weeks) due to one of my Sweet Friends, Haley (the Varsity coach) getting married! That has been interesting, and boy do I have some stories! As soon as I fill little Miss. Haley in on what happened I may blog about some of the stories...some of the ones that are funny now that I am about of them. ha. Cheerleading is a whole other world, and I have a whole new respect for Haley being the Varsity Coach. I love those girls A LOT...but drama seems to ensue anytime cheerleading is involved.

3. The rest of life is good...I have started going to the Dallas Campus of the Village and I LOVE IT!! IT is great...if you are checking out churches we would love to have you! IT is great and I am just so thankful for my church family!

That is all for the moment...I will blog when I have more to say. Love you all.

Ashie :)

good. and promising.

2009-10-04T12:16:00.000-07:00

In him, we have redemption, through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making knows to us the mystery of his will according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

Ephesians 1:7-10

Turning over a new leaf..

2009-08-16T12:58:00.001-07:00

Do you have ever have days where you pretend you are someone else? Maybe you do not pretend…but in your head you think about what it would be like to be someone else. I think about living in the city, and having a indispensable amount of money. I am single, and shop however I would like and wear some of the most fabulous trends. I am a writer. This is how I fund my addiction that is called shopping. I live in tweed suits with Chanel purses and Christian lubuiton heels. I flit about my apartment that is a tie between anthropologie and new-york comfort. I am not scared to live alone, but have embraced it. I see myself as an independent woman whom is capable of anything that I set my mind to. I write to old music that stirs my brain into a tizzy and creates some of the most amazing works. People think of me as not only a literary genius, but as someone who does not have to follow regular grammar rules but adheres to her own set of rules in which the sentence structure surprises and woos the reader to continue on in each “work of art”.

Then…I come back to life. My life, albeit not near as glamorous does have many perks. This week may not have been one of the most amazing weeks of my life, but still, at the end of the day, I know there is much to be thankful for. I have a roof over my head. I live in an apartment, by myself, which I pay for on my own. I do not have much debt, other than the wonderful school loans I incurred while at DBU, and I have yet to have a credit card to my name. (My Pap said that would probably be the worst possible thing for me…that I have to agree. I may not have a life with an indispensable amount of money, but at times I would like to act like it). There are a lot of reasons to be unhappy in life, but there are also a lot of reasons to look on the bright side of things. To look at the side of things where there are possibilities and perhaps, they are endless. Perhaps you can do anything you put your mind to, and you can be almost anything you would like to be. It may be in a slightly smaller realm of popularity, for instance- I would LOVE for everyone to find me witty and ingenious when it comes to my comments, but for right now I have a group of friends and dear family that will, if nothing else, indulge my need to feel loved and laugh at my jokes. Life is not always about checks and balances, or right and wrong, but sometimes it is how you live it. Yes, I believe Christ is the reason for why I get through my day, and ultimately who I live for… but at times I think I forget to live.- to take the opportunities given to me and to not look back. To look at every mistake or frustration, or disappointment and instead of wallowing in it, or reliving it second my second, be thankful for the new second I am still living in. Things may not be perfect. I may not be the most clean or organized, or have the most well-put together apartment due to my MESSINESS (a big AMEN to that..) but I am Ashley. There is no one else like me. Just like there is no one else like you. If we were all created in a way that was wonderful, then why don’t we live that out. Why don’t we take pleasure in that? Why, do we insist upon dwelling in the past and looking at ourselves as what we once were instead of looking into what we are becoming?

This is going to be my new mantra. This year, I will try to stop living in the past. I will try to stop counting every mistake, and start looking at the grace that is afforded me by Christ. I will try to give others more grace and see this as a journey, that may have bad days, but is taking me to an ultimate goal. I also vow to unclutter my life which may take a while. This may not seem to be as big of an undertaking, but trust me my friend… I still have In Style magazines from 2006. One would not call that healthy, or clutter-free.

This is my vow. I will keep you updated.

~Inspired by the movie Julie and Julia.

the testing of your faith develops perseverance..

2009-08-12T07:08:00.000-07:00

you know there are a lot of things that test our faith. things that you are not expecting, and when they come into your life you are pleasantly surprised. you may also realize that this is part of progressive sanctification. i am at a place right now where I am not quite sure what the Lord is doing, but I am seeing his hand in much. he is so gracious to comfort but yet also allows that bit of discomfort to sink in when needed. i think he puts us in places where we aren't comfortable to grow and mold and shape us. these places are not always our favorite places, but through these places we become who he is making us to be. when we are being stretched and molded in the daily events of life we are being shaped to be more like him.

one thing that has seemed to have left me this summer is articulation. At times this summer, when I feel like it is most crucial to articulate my point of view, but I can't make people understand what I am saying. my heart knows what I am trying to say, but my mouth cannot put it into words. as you can tell by reading this blog. i need more of him, but i am also finding out that I don't know exactly what it is that I NEED. I am nothing without Him though. And as you become closer to Him I think that it causes you to make some big decisions that are sometimes hard and sometimes misunderstood. I long for understanding, but that is not something that I can always find.

Questions to consider

2009-07-16T13:20:00.000-07:00

Some questions that the Lord is dealing with my heart on as well as questions/ideas I am just trying to search through and answer are as following:

What does it look like to be 23 and a Christ-follower?

Religion vs. truly knowing Christ.

Righteousness vs. legalism.

Hypocrisy in the church and the way that we feel about the church now...

What He wants vs. What we want-

I'll let you know what I find out when I am done. :) It should take me awhile. Love you guys! Happy Thursday, hope you are not melting!

I REALLY, REALLY, miss my KIDS!

2009-07-06T08:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Ash,

Note to self- find things to preoccupy yourself during the summer so you do not feel so sad during the days.

Thank you,

Ash

May I just tell you that I am way more of a people person that I am a loner? As much as I love to have my free, by-myself time, I suck at it when it is all the time. And this living SO far out from all my friends in Dallas, Highland Village and Denton is killing me a bit. The thing is I know the Lord has me here for a reason, but it is the ever-so-present urging that comes out about wanting to live in a different city when summer hits and all of a sudden I have this free time that I wish I had during the school year. Oh, goodness me...the grass is always greener on the other side, huh?

The Lord is showing me so much in this "wonderful" alone time that I have right now...but with that amazingness comes this angst that I cannot describe fully, other than just telling you, I have a spirit-filled angst. My soul is in this constant kind of longing for Jesus and that is alone is super cool, but I feel like the Lord is showing me so many things about myself and just things in my life that it can a bit overwhelming to say the least. With this growth comes major growing pains and with the growing pains comes this amazing desire for the hurting to stop..ya know? The Lord seems to really work on my heart the most admist times like this for some reason. The weightiness of what He is showing me though is exhausting. but again, so good. I know that may not make sense, but to those of you that have been in this exact place, I know you know where I am coming from. Letting go and letting God is something that I am constantly trying to grasp, understand and achieve, but I am finding when I start to try to achieve this this is where the problem starts. Again, it is not for ME to grasp, but for Him to show me. There is such a beauty and again, such angst in realizing this. Miss. Perfectionist Ashley is learning and missing what constantly stirs my affections for Christ, but I know he is preparing me for something...what that something is, who knows. All, I know is being kingdom-minded is something that is to be attained and the Lord is showering so much love when times get a little much. Praise his name!

I love you guys...liter post next time, perhaps?

ps- If you went to church this weekend and heard Matt's message, when he mentioned..are you living in a way that is kingdom-minded? With your money, friends, family, etc.? Hit me right between the eyes. Man, oh man...

Love you guys, oh so much.

"He is refining your desires, Ash..."

2009-07-02T08:07:00.000-07:00

This is what my sweet, friend Elise said to me the other night at coffee that has since become my mantra.

"Who am I, O Sovereign Lord, and what is my family, that you have me this far?"

2 Samuel 7:18

The Lord has been working on my heart in a major way lately. It is incredible to me how awesome He is, and how much I feel He is pursuing my heart right now. It has been really awesome the way He has been working on my heart lately. Not, that what He has been doing has been exactly easy, but he has given me this joy, even in the super tough, working out and showing me my sin-issues time, and it has just been unreal. He is romancing my heart and showing me what how GREAT He is and just, transforming my mind. It has just been crazy. It has been so good, I just want to talk about Him all the time. He is transforming the desires of my heart to be more like the desires that I believe he wants me to have. It is just so cool. The people he has placed in my life, he has also used in a HUGE way lately. The little things He has been doing in my heart and life are equaling this BIG, overarching thing that I believe that he is doing in my life in general. He is showing me how live out the gospel...which, trust me, I have not mastered, and probably never will...but it is SO cool to see how he is working out the smaller areas in my life to feed into the larger areas. He has been showing me so many different sin-filled areas in my life and I feel like he is beating them out of me. Which, I don't know if you have ever been in that position...where the Lord is showing you your sin and you are realizing how crappy you are and how much you fall short...but it is such a JOY (that is right..joy) to see how much MERCY he has for me. He knew I was going to do this...he knew what my reactions would be and he still loves me. He still cares for me, and still pursues my heart. What an awesome place to be in!!! Ahh, it just makes me want to talk about Jesus all day!

I was talking to my sweet friend, Elise the other day just about how frustrated I was with my sin...with this continual need to please others, with this continual pattern I have with certain areas of my life...and while I was voicing my frustrations she said, "He is refining your desires, Ash..." and something just clicked when she said that. How great is He, that is He is finally refining my desires. HE is showing me such love, and kindness and MERCY by refining my desires, my showing me the areas in which I need to work on and change. By loving on me in a way that is killing myself only to bring me closer to Him. I want more of Him constantly and that is such a great place to be. There have been some hard days with this, where I start crying and don't really know where it is coming from, where I get SO frustrated with where I struggle and long to not struggle any longer, but then he shows me where he has brought me out of...and let me tell you, he has brought me FAR in the past 2 years...especially in the past year! It is just so cool. I obviously am not articulating very well today because I keep using words like cool, amazing, awesome, etc...but y'all the Lord is transforming my heart!!!! And, is using this time that I have off (which I have been dreading since i have kind of poured myself into teaching thus, free time is not what I am accustomed to having...) and making me sit still and study and I think He is determined to beat out these particular sin issues and refine them for His glory! Praise His name.

So, I know this particular post may not be well-written or witty, but I just had to share what the Lord is doing through me. He is showing me his grace and mercy and letting me live in it!

Praise his Name!

Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 2 Corinthians 3:17

We destroy arguments and every loft opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive. 2 Corinthians 10:5

Now, there is great gain in godliness with contentment for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. 2 Timothy 6:6-7

Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. Psalm 55:22

The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit. John 3:8

Sweet Jesus, I pray you will continue to work in my life, and finish the work that you have started in me. Lord, I pray you will continue to show me the areas that I need work on and continue to refine and work on the areas you have showed me which are a work in progress. God, you are so sweet, so loving and I thank you for showing me this and for romancing my heart and showing me to never compromise. You, alone, are great. You, alone are sovereign and everything is in your control. I pray that I continue to relinquish control and give it over to you in my life...because you are the one that controls it all anyway. You, God, are loving, merciful and show me joy in areas I did not know there could be joy in. I love you and I praise your name for loving me and for being such an amazing, Holy, God. I love you.

Ashie

an itch to blog...

2009-06-22T14:09:00.000-07:00

I had a bit of an itch to blog today for some reason, and so, maybe I am supposed to share something for all two of you that read this, or rather, I just need to write something out so that I can absorb it more. I have a feeling it is probably the latter of the two. Nevertheless, here I am :)

The Lord is so gracious to me in what he shows me and when he allows me to see things. What I mean by this is exactly when I need something the Lord is SO gracious to go over and beyond that need and meet me in the most intimate way. Where he does provide for my physically with shelter and means to keeping that shelter... my job, etc., I am more talking about my emotional/spiritual needs. I have been dreading summer a bit because I knew I was going to be having ALL this time and it was mainly going to be to myself, being as most of my friends have jobs which make them work during the summers. :) I have been dreading this because I am one to be somewhat of a complex thinker, but sometimes this is good and at times this is bad. IF I focus on the wrong things it can be bad. So, I let Christ know up front (not that he already didn't know ;)) that I was a bit nervous about this whole summer thing. Where I knew that my body and my brain and, honestly, my emotions needed a break, I was still scared about how this time would go. I mean, I have really, really been blessed with how this year has gone and what all I have gotten to experience through my kids. It has brought a whole new perspective to my thinking and has completely stirred my affections for Christ even further. To be away from that scared me because, and still sometimes scares me, in the sense of I do not want to forget how gracious the Lord is and what my purpose is while I am here...to serve Him. And let's face it...I am a pretty prideful person. If I get to focus on myself too much that is where in lies the problem. So, knowing this you would think that I would not find this as my problem when summer starts.... but.... pride attacked.

I feel like pride sneaks up on you when you are least expecting it to rear its little head. And then, you get so immersed in yourself and your "problems" you don't see that it is pride. Luckily, I have sweet friends whom love me and are more than happy to call me out on this pride..(Thank you Elise;)).

An example of my very prideful heart-

Last week one of the sweet girls from The Village asked me if I was currently looking for a homegroup, and asked me if I would be interested in coming to one that her and some other girls had just started up. Sounds fantastic to me, I thought, and was ready to jump on board. Then she told me the book they were doing...Lady in Waiting. AMAZING book! Great, again I thought, this will probably be a good book for me to reading right now anyways. (The pride starts to rear his head here for another one of my first thoughts was, hmmm, I have read through this book like 3 times...do I really need to go through it again????). So with these thoughts both warring against each other, I decided to pick up the book and begin reading it again. I read the one chapter that they were on, and again the prideful side of the thinking came out again. Ash...do you really need to do be doing this book again? Don't you need to be looking to more mature thinking.. I mean you have read it 3 times? So, with that I put aside the book and decided to think on the whole situation. Then my hard week came upon me, and I found myself grasping for somethings that I thought that I COULD FIX. Oh, silly perfectionist Ashley searching within herself to fix things...you think by now I would know that that is not something that works in my favor. Anytime I try to fix something that is when it goes TERRIBLY wrong...as my sweet friend Elise so lovingly pointed out :) Before talking to Elise about this, I had had a conversation with my mom how annoyed I was at a certain situation an how I felt I was the one that messed everything up and there is no hope for me because I do not even know how to start fixing it. My mother lovingly listened to me, and then lovingly tried to set me straight. After my morning chat with her, I glanced over and saw Lady in Waiting sitting on my ottoman. Just as I had glanced over I also received a text saying what chapter we would be reading is small group. Can you guess what the chapter might be about..Contentment. Great, I thought...just what I need. (This was actually pretty sarcastic..but I knew what the Lord was trying to tell me at this point).

So, I began to reread this chapter. The first paragraph hit me right between the eyes, as well as the rest of the chapter. At this point in my life when everyone is getting married, or I feel as though everyone has found their significant other and is living life to the fullest, while little Miss. 23 here gets a little impatient waiting for her man to show up. I mean...can't the Lord bring him??!! I am more than a little impatient and yesterday morning right before I started reading this text message I was more than annoyed with a present situation at hand. Sometimes the desire of wanting that special someone in my life (whoever he may be) trumps the fact that God is working and I need to be patient. I know I want an amazing, God-fearing, witty, truth-speaking, person that challenges me a on a a daily basis...but why must I wait?? (OH SILLY ASHLEY.)

This is one of the first sentences in the chapter- "For a single woman to experience genuine contentment while soloing in a "couples' world," she must avoid the ditches of discontentment. She needs to learn the mystery of contentment and its power over the restless torture of desire."

desire...hmm, sounds familiar. And then enter even more conformation from the Lord that I was being completely sinful and silly by throwing the fit earlier to my mother.. the book speaks about Ruth. Just a little background- Ruth was widowed at a very young age and decided to leave everything to travel with her mother-in-law, Naomi. "Ruth was a God-fearing woman who showed that she had the capacity to wait. God blessed Ruth in this trying time, with someone who was wise; Naomi. Naomi instructed Ruth that Boaz was a candidate for being their kinsman-redeemer (this simply meant that Mosaic Law allowed Boaz, as the closest kin, to redeem the childless widow and keep the family name alive). Naomi had instructed Ruth to approach Boaz and ask him if he would be their kinsman-redeemer. Boaz's response to Ruth's request is precious. "And now, my daughter, don't be afraid. I will do for you all you ask. All of my fellow townsmen know that you are a woman of noble character" (Ruth 3:11).

Now...as a woman, I would be thinking, YES this amazing man is going to be my future husband AND he just told me that I am a woman of noble character...enter heart melting and girl making plans.

BUT, when Ruth comes back to report the news back to Naomi, Naomi responds with this, "Then Naomi said, Wait, my daughter, until you find out what happens. For the man will not rest until the matter is settled today" (Ruth 3:18). Who had to wait? The woman must wait. Who is the one who will not rest? The man, Boaz, will not rest. Waiting is not to cause suffering, but to prevent it. Women experience so much needless pain when they run ahead of God's format. Naomi knew that there may exist an even closer kinsman who would qualify to redeem her and Ruth. Naomi did not want Ruth's heart to race ahead into disappointment in case the circumstances did not go as assumed."

All from Lady in Waiting

One of the ways the Lord really showed me HE was listening to my pleas for Him, and listening to my heart is just by speaking to me through this book. Not only did he answer some questions I had through scripture, but he also helped me to see that the little "fit" that my mom had just graciously listened to was not only exactly that, A FIT, but how wonderful it was to have a mother who sets me straight and does not let me get ahead of myself just like Naomi. My day continued to be a day in which I would read, journal, glean, and then I would have sweet, Godly, amazing people speak truth into my life. I know all this may be a little confusing because I do not want to divulge a huge amount of information to the blogging public...but the overall lesson that the Lord seems to keep having to teach me is that little Miss. Prideful (aka..me) is wrong. The time when things go wrong in my life is when I seek to fix things or see something wrong and grasp for anything other than HIM. It's such a simple concept, but such a hard thing for me to continue to remember. The Lord is not out to get me...and I do not have to be perfect. How sweet Jesus to is to be so consistently after my heart that he is relentless in showing me truth and having others speak truth into my life. How great it is to have a God whom I KNOW loves me that much. I have never felt more loved...

My Prayer

2009-06-17T10:20:00.000-07:00

There is nothing- no circumstance, no trouble, no testing that can EVER touch me until, first of all, it has gone past God, and past Christ, right to me. IF it has come that FAR, it has come with great purpose, which I may not understand at the moment. But, as I refuse to become panicky, as I life my eyes to HIM and accept it as coming from the Throne of GOD for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart, no sorrow will ever disturb me; no trial will ever disarm me; no circumstance will cause me to fret, for I shall REST in the JOY of what MY LORD IS! That is Victory!!!

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance, perseverance must first finish its work so that you may be mature and complete and not lacking anything.

James 1:2-3

It is for Freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery!

Galatians 5:1

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways aknowledge him; and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Do not store up treasures for yourselves on Earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in Heaven, where moth and dust don't destroy...for where your treasure is your heart will be also.

Matthew 6:19-21

For the past couple of days I have had a lot on my mind. Blame it on the down time that I have not had in the past year, but, nevertheless, here it is. I am also tired which instead of causing me to sleep, usually causes my mind to wander about in many different ways and causes me to overanalyze and project. If you know me at all, you know this is very true. This weekend a once, very dear friend of mine is getting married. It is not a wedding that I am invited to, nor should I be. This has brought me into a spin of thinking that has brought tiny bits of sadness here and there, but has also brought me into a thankfulness for how far the Lord has brought me in the past 2 years. (2 years goes by fast!) As this person goes on to be in wedded bliss, it makes me think of all the good times we had together, as well as the bad...but overall, I just hope that this person is happy. I am not Jesus and I have no control over any situation, thus little Miss. Control has to check herself daily especially when I get sad or down or just start feeling weird about such situations. I, myself, might have planned my life differently, but the only thing I keep coming to is how Sweet my Jesus is that he has allowed me to become soo deeply in love with Him instead of having a love that is on this Earth right now. That is far beyond any blessing I could ask for, and although I do desire to have someone to cuddle, hug, or just love on at times..how great it is that the Lord has allowed me to find him so intimately in the past 2 years. My love for Him has only grown, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful for my amazing, core group of friends that have showed me what it is to be a friend and what a TRUE friend looks like. They love me unconditionally and have been with me through all of the tears and joys and freak-outs along the way. The Lord has finally brought me to a place where I can see somewhat of what he has been doing it, and perhaps, why he might be doing it. I know nothing of the BIGGER PICTURE, but I do know his Kingdom will be glorified through me as long as he so allows it. He is a gracious, loving God that loves me and desires for my heart to be His. HE never disapoints and you cannot say that about anyone else. I have gotten to taste and see his goodness and how great it is to be 23 and be able to say that. I have seen his sweet hand through the lives of my kids and how smoothly this year went. It was only the Lord that I was able to connect with my kids this year and how amazingly everything went. It is only the Lord that the kids saw how much I love them...as well, as me having any patience when they got under my skin. :) IT is the Lord that I have started to see my life being a life that is constantly trying to be defined by the Gospel, and it is ONLY the Lord that I am in a profession that I really feel like I am doing ministry EVERY day. What is so cool about that is as much as I have ALWAYS wanted to be a teacher, I have also felt called to ministry. And here I am...doing something where I get to minister to kids everyday. (well, except for a month over the summer..) BUT how gracious is my LOVE, JESUS that he allows me to do this with my life!!!! It is more than an occupation, it is a way of life, and for that I am forever grateful and appreciative.

Please, if you read this, be praying for me this week and weekend. I will probably need the prayers :) As much as I know I am where I need to be, it does not make memories go away or feelings to cease. When things come up that you did not know were still there it is hard to shush them...however, I know the Lord is in the process of completely shutting the door or closing this chapter and opening a brand new one! That should be fun...haha. We will see what the Lord has in store. Thank you to all my sweet friends for being there for me so constantly in the past two years and for really loving me and helping me to see Christ in all situations. You have meant more to me than you will ever know!!!!

I love you all...Till Later,

Ashie

My Social Life..

2009-05-24T11:40:00.000-07:00

In pictures...and a VIDEO!! YAY!

My kids said I looked like a kid here..so we took a picture!

Paint night! WOO.

Run-thru's for football '09.

They think I am wierd..but they love me :)

Senior Cheerleader (she is graduating...) and my teacher aid! LOVE HER!

Funny Faces :)

I.love.them. One of my English classes.

Another english class. They ask me who their favorites are and I tell them "I love you all equally."

Cool poses.

THE FRIDAY SONG...GET PUMPED!

This video is of the Friday Song that I make my kids sing every friday!! Hopefully it will work after I post this!! YAY!!

Next post shall be Elise's birthday pictures post. My computer is being slow now though, so I will post those later!!

Until then,

LOVE YOUUU!

My kids hearts..

2009-05-18T18:37:00.001-07:00

"Sometimes my father doesn't even look at me. It makes me feel like I let them down. I feel like they've pictured a different son..."

"My stepmom who was sticking up for me got shoved into the wall. Then choked. I tried to stop him, I tried. I hit him again and again begging him to stop! My older sister who is always so strong was crying and yellling, "Daddy, stop!" It still hurts me to think about that night. After that night I vowed to never ever let someone mistreat me."

"I remember she was really mad at my mom, accusing her of being the worst mother. it has been around one weeks since we put my step grandfather in jail for tying to rape me so of course she got mad and threatened my of taking me away from her because my mom was the bad one in her eyes...I have been living in fear for 5 years.."

"being gay is not a choice...it is just part of you."

"no one hears the tears that pour down my face, no one feels the pain you put me through"

These are some direct quotes from kids memoir's projects. I have not put some of the worse ones on here (and by worse, I just mean heart-wrenching). however, i did want to put a glimpse. sometimes i feel super ill-equip. Who am I to pour into these kids lives? half of my kids when reading their memoirs started bawling. Now, where it is awesome that they feel they are safe within the confines of my classroom, i just want to scoop 'em up and tell them it is alright. But is it alright? some of them have posed questions to me at the end of their memoirs, asking me questions about the Lord. If there is a God how could he let this, this and this happen. That is when it gets hard. How do I convey to them what I know so fiercely in my heart? I have never been good at this part..I am good at loving on people, conveying the word has not always been my strong suite. All I know to do is to love on them and convey any truth that I know, and study and ask questions and know the Lord will give me the words He wants me to have. This is just rips my heart out. I know the Lord is good though, regardless of our situations. I feel a little hypocritical saying this since I have never had such things in my life. I have had a family who has been nothing but loving to me, I have had people constantly around me loving on me and encouraging me and have never had the odds against me like some of these kids have.

i put these on here to ask you to pray for these kids. pray that the lord is with their hearts and is working on their hearts. pray for me as i am with them for the last few weeks of the school year. pray for my patience and strength as i encourage them and read these projects. (may sound silly, but some of these are had to get through). Love you guys much..promise to have a more "sunshiny" post in the next few times.

Love you,

Ashie

So exhausted.

2009-05-16T21:53:00.001-07:00

I do not have one main topic tonight, I just feel like writing. Sometimes it is comforting to know I can just type on here and act as if I am having a conversation even though I know that no one may even read this. That probably seems very silly, but there it is. Tonight was a good night. I spent time with some of my best friends. These girls have seen me through so much in the past few years, and it is just crazy how time flies by. I feel like it wasn't even that long ago when we were celebrating Lise's birthday, and yet here we are again. It was fun tonight, we got to go eat with Lise's parents, her brother (Jimmy..whom I call Timmy Jhoma) and it was just good. After, me, Jim, Lise and Rob all went back to Jim's house and just sat at the kitchen table at talked. It just felt like a little family. I have missed this. Where they have been around all year, this year has just been so different. Where it has been so amazing and I would not trade it for the world, the sense of having that community of friends constantly around me has changed a bit. Not in the sense that I do not have it, but just in the fact that life has happened. We all live in different places, we all have different jobs, mine being a pretty time-consuming job, and I don't know...it was just good to be back at the house talking about what all has transpired in the past year and where everyone is at, and what we struggle with, etc. Towards the end of the night Jim left for awhile and we Elise, Rob and I just laid on the bed and talked. I am so thankful for friends who listen and just for people I can do life with.

On the way home tonight I just started thinking more about how things are changing and how fast life seems to happen. I know that everyone goes through stages in life...or so I have heard being as I have not reached all of them, but the stage I am in right now is just different. Everyone is getting married and having babies, which is SO wonderful, and I am enjoying watching them in this time and learning from them, but my life is just different from there's right now. Where there is NOTHING wrong with that, and I know that in my heart, I think I am constantly thinking about what I must be doing wrong in the sense of I do not have the same things as them. I wonder how long this season will be. I long for companionship, but then again I think how blessed I am for being in this season by myself because I am in a position where I can pour into my kids constantly. Then, I began to feel guilty for feeling sad or down about where my life is at. Sometimes I wonder how long this season is going to last though...

Regardless, I am tired. I am actually exhausted, and I don't mean this is a negative sense, I just mean to tell you this because I need some restoration time. I am looking forward to church tomorrow, and I am also looking forward to not having a determined time to wake up but rather waking up at my leisure, and then I excited about just spending time with Jesus before I go to church. I have missed him..which is my own fault. With everything going on lately, I feel like I have not had time to really delve into the word (which I know is my own fault). I long for time with Him and to hear from Him and just be comforted by Him. I wish my kids could see Him like I do. They have so many issues going on that they have told me about, even in the last week, and I don't know what to do with half the information. I know the Lord has put me here, but I wonder if I am equip at times to talk to them about everything they are sharing with me. They know I am a Christian, so here lately they have started asking questions, but the questions are had due to the fact of SUCH awful things have happened to these kids and they want to know how a "great God could allow such things to happen". There is much theology I could go in with this...but, I do not think going into all that is exactly what they would like to hear. I long for something relatable to share with them. As much as I know the Lord has allowed my classroom to be a safe haven for my kiddos, I hope that he is helping me with all the right words to say to them at this time. I just love them so much.

Well, I am sleepy. I have tons of pictures tonight that I shall post later. Thank you for listening, love you guys very much!

Hard day equals exhaustion.

2009-05-12T16:31:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer- I evidently do not know how to post pictures under captions! Sorry!

there are so many things that I could probably blog about, but alas, i shall only share a few thoughts because I feel as though I am a bit of a broken record.

Numero uno- I really think that teachers have a summer break because it is SO needed. by this point in the year you are a bit exhausted and even though I love my kids very much, I think a reprieve from them will probably be good. I have been so emotional lately with them. Well when it comes to them anyways, even though today I did actually get a bit emotional. I have my kids writing memoirs, or vignettes, and each kid is getting to use their own style of writing and tell me about almost anything that they would like. So, although they are not due yet, the kids have been bringing up their writings for me to look over and see if they are okay. Today one of my kids brought up a piece about her dad and him leaving. I tried to hold it together while I was reading it, but all of sudden tears just started falling. Then I looked up at her, and I told her I loved her and I was proud of her and I was sorry, and she started crying. I just had to hug her. These kids, man, they have some stories that just break my heart. Although I LOVE LOVE LOVE what I do, and would never trade it, I think the break coming up will be a good time for me to just recoop mind-wise, ya know? Maybe that is selfish, but, alas, there it is. Please be praying for me if you think about it in the next couple of days, because I have a feeling in reading these memoirs they are going to tug at the heart a bit.

Numero Dos- ummmm, everyone is getting married. I mean seriously, all of my friends, pretty much, are engaged or close to or ya know, married and are having kids. :) I am so happy for them, but it leaves a single girl wondering...what is life like after all your friends get married and you are still the single girl? I know, silly question probably, you are probably thinking, oh ash, just be patient. And let's face it, I have always had a bit of a problem with the whole "patience" thing (as I typed those quotation marks I just got a mental picture of joey putting quotation marks around everything in one of the friends episodes..haha..okay, i digress) so that is warranted. However, as much I want to be married someday, I do not know if that is really what I am longing for right now. I mean...maybe it is, but I think I just miss companionship. With the job I have and everything, sometimes I think it would be good to come home and know that I have someone to talk to. I mean... I have penelope..haha, but she does not really talk back, so. ;) All that to say, this is just another very different stage I am entering yet again. I never thought I would be the one that was still single...or maybe I was just hoping that would not be me. hehe. Nevertheless, I do think that being single has done nothing but grow me. And trust me, I still have room to grow, and I am only 23, so no rushing.

Numero tres- IT is my BFF's birthday week this week, SOOOO in Honor of her, I will post some AMAZING pictures of the two of us...and the sandwich. I love her SOO very much and I am so blessed she is in my life!!

Numero quatro- Skittle got in a wreck :( I will let the pictures do the talking...it was raining really bad the other day, you know, during the monsoon, and thus lights were out in an intersection and me and another car ran into each other. Poor Skittle. :(

That is all. Love you all. Thanks for listening!

Optimism-- Is it contagious

2009-05-07T19:50:00.000-07:00

and faith.. it is crucial.

I have been making my students do some writing assignments that are strictly about their lives. They can write anything they want, in any way that they want. They can tell me about who they are- through writing they can show me WHO they are...and this has been a very humbling and amazing experience. I have been looking forward to this all year- teaching this unit, learning who my kids are, more about where they come from. I love them so much. I wish they could see how amazing they are and what they have achieved from coming from what they have come from. I have something special in my classroom. I do not really know what it is, other than the fact that my kids have started to trust me with who they are, and they feel like (hopefully) they can be themselves when they walk through the door. Most of them come from very hard things. The things that they have had to overcome baffles me to this day..and some of them are still trying to overcome these things to this day. They have no clue how wonderful they are, or how much they can impact our society just by being the best possible version of themselves. Many of them have been told that they cannot achieve anything...they are not smart enough, they shouldn't have been born...I have one kid who told me his mom told him that "she wished he was never born and that she should have had an abortion". Thinking about these things, listening to my kids as they tell me some of the intimate details of their lives makes me think about how great my kids are. I do not know if I was told that if I could keep going on and be okay. But this kid that told me that, he is going to rise above the situation. He wants to be different, he is a sophomore and already talking about college. These kids are our future, and they just need a little hand to help 'em get up sometimes.

I showed some of the video Freedom Writers in my classroom. This is one of my favorite movies because I see so much of my kids in the kids that are represented in this movie. My kids thought I was CRAZY when I first came in, and quite frankly I would not be suprirsed if some of them did not like me. But, through talking and just really wanting to get to know my kids, I have been able to break this barrier with them. I really think it is the Lord through me, because there are many times I get frustrated with them and such, but my goodness how wonderful our classes have become. We are a family. That probably sounds silly, but really, we are a family. People who did not used to get along, are now pretty good friends. When they see each other in the hall, they say hi, they even refer to each other as brother and sister. (Which half the time is probably making fun of me because I have talked about how we are a family, and they are brother and sister..) But regardless...my kids have learned to look at each other through a different set of eyes. To look at each other without judgement. Now, it would be niave to think that there will still not be judgements, prejudices, or stereotypes that are given to others, but what I hope is that they have learned how to look at people for who they are instead of what they look like. I know this may not seem like something that is important to learn in English, but things come so much easier in a learning enviroment when there is a trust and respect that has been established.

All this to say, I hope my second year will be as rewarding as my first. I am going to miss my kiddos when they graduate to jrs...some of them seniors ;) Erin Greuwell's character in "Freedom Writers" says it so poigntly, "When I am helping these kids make sense of their lives, it makes my life makes sense. How often does a person get that?"

I love what I do. I love who my kids are. I love that the Lord has put me in a place where I am getting to do something that I have always wanted to do, and I am getting to teach the kids who NEED to be loved on daily. One thing I have learned from the past two years is that no matter what, the Lord will always line things up. You may not always be in your ideal position, but He lines you up with His will and what He wants for your life. And in the end, you just have to trust that He knows far better than you do. This is proving true in my life, and thank Jesus I am finally getting to a place where I can see that.

I would have included a picture of my kiddos in this, but when my computer got stolen, so did many of my pictures, so there will be pictures of them to come :) I need to take some more! I will post a blog with an update in pictures soon as well!! Love you guys...thanks for always indulging my more serious side ;) And the goofy side always! LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUU!

Everything is going to be alright.

2009-04-16T19:48:00.000-07:00

My heart yearns at times to show my kids how much they are loved by me and some of the other people at my school. There have been so many things that have been emotionally exhausting this week and a lot of it has to do with my kiddos.

These kids live such hard lives. I mean hard. Nothing in which I have ever had to experience before. To protect them, and what is going on right now I will not tell their stories...but how I long for people to hear their little voices and look on them with compassion. I long to hear hopefullness in their voices rather than a sense of hopelessness. So many of them have to contend with things that we just don't think about. Not having a place to live, abusive parents (emotionally or physically), things WAY beyond their maturity level, gang violence, parents in gangs, drugs, parents on drugs, parents who do not seem to care about them, etc. When they tell me their stories, and open up to me, I just want to take them in my arms and rock them. How I long for them to see someone loves them and wants them. How I hate that they have been put in such a tough situation at such a young age. These kids deal with things that I have only seen on movies.

I love them so much, and I know the Lord does too. I long for them to see Jesus and see the God that loves them so much. I also long for them to continue to see that THEY CAN achieve what they dream of if they pursue that dream and continue to be diligent. One of my kids today told me that they "will be the first person to graduate from high school in their family". I pray that my kids continue to dream big, even if that dreaming big is just them making it through high school. I don't have much more to share, this is just on my heart and I wanted to write a bit.

Love you guys much, keep praying for me! And my kiddos :)

I will post some pictures soon for the three of you that look at this too! ;)

What I have learned from other Teachers/Teaching...

2009-03-19T20:25:00.000-07:00

The following things I have learned from other teachers that I work with:

1. I will get Varicose veins. It is only a matter of time according to the other teachers that I work with. They said as a teacher you stand all the time, thus you are "screwed." And I am directly quoting...ha.

2. My feet will be bad by the time I am 40. Again with the standing thing.

ALSO- do not wear 4 inch heels to school. I wore really cute 4 inch heels the first day of school...all the teachers made fun of me. I was hurting badly by the end of the day. I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN.

3. I need to have 20 minutes of alone time after I get off work everyday, or I will bite someone's head off. (I love my job...but the other teachers are right. After dealing with a 160 sophomores that feel like they know everything, sometimes it is good to get a little "alone" time).

4. I must meet a man that loves my fellow teachers--or they will chase him away.

5. I must find a man that listens to my teaching stories, and loves what I am doing with the kids as much as I love my kids. OR at least sees my passion for these kids and respects and encourages me in that...

6. NEVER wear holiday sweaters. (I have implemented this one myself...)

7. You will begin to talk like a teacher to everyone...this has come into play in my life. I saw it more during Christmas. I was talking to my brother as if he was my student (not really realizing that...) and that did not go over so well. ;)

8. Color-coding helps everything.

9. It is important to continue to challenge yourself.

10. Don't act like you know it all. I received the advice that it was important to act like you know everything even when you don't. I DO NOT do that. I think that is dumb. If you want to be real with the kids and want the kids to respect you, I think it is better to be real with them. They appreciate it. I have even had kids say thank you for responding, "I don't know" to something instead of just acting like I know what they are talking about :)

12. You (as in me) want to try new styles that the kids are implementing (at least some of them...) and look as cute as they do. Then you realize you are 23, and you can't fit into things like they can.

13. You will constantly feel you are younger than you are because they kids "keep you young".

14. You also gain maturity due to the fact that you have about 175 kids relying on you. At times I feel like I have 160 kids...no joke.

15. Sometimes the only example of a true role model is what the kids will see when they come to school. Thus, act like one.

16. If you just love on the kids, you will have GREAT results.

17. People are VERY, V-E-R-Y passionate about THEIR parking spots!

18. You learn new lingo. For instance-

If someone says, "Miss. Kep your rap about vocabulary was lame!" then you just got ROASTED.

I get roasted on a constant basis:)

That is all for now... I just thought I would share this information with the blogging world. So, just for future reference you will get Varicose veins if you teach....BEWARE

Yours Truly,

Miss. Kep ;)

Little Miss. Unbelief

2009-03-10T20:16:00.000-07:00

Do you remember the books from when you were little called, "Little Miss Sunshine" or "Mr. Happy"? Many of the characters in these books could be me on any given day. I tend to go about my day and face many of the characteristics that these cute, adorable, and sometimes irritating characters seem to embody in each of their books.

The Lord has really been dealing with my heart is some major areas lately. (What areas of the heart on not major?) It is never fun when the Lord shows you something to work on...or maybe it is for you. I, however, tend to sway towards the perfectionist side of things so it is hard for me when something is shown to me that I am not that great at well, being perfect at. Even as I type these words I feel pride rising in me telling me to just delete that sentence. Two areas of my life that the Lord is dealing with me in are Pride and Unbelief. Can I just say these two areas are a little hard to swallow and at times to deal with. I have literally tried to avoid it at times and take a nap instead of facing the Lord with it. I know, that is sad. So many things have been showed to me lately about how little I believe the Lord. Sure, I believe in Him...but trusting him, that is another issue in itself. How badly I wish that I could just say, "Here, Lord take (insert my problems here...)" and not worry about it. Thing thing is I AM ABLE TO. The Lord takes our burdens and carries them for us, yet I am constantly choosing to be little miss. control freak and little miss. unbelief instead of trusting him with some major issues in my life. It is amazing to me, after everything he has brought me through, that I have even one ounce of disbelief. that i am even afraid he will not come through with something I feel he has promised me is absurd. I am so encompassed with my own disbelief that I tend to question the truth on a regular basis. This has been brought to the light by the Lord, and it seriously just makes me sick. How much I wish that I just believed him and did not question a thing in my life. Instead I question most things, and try to take it in my own hands instead of trusting Him to take it for me. I am immersed in this life of unbelief.

I am constantly reminded of this as well. Can I just tell you that when you ask the Lord to break of you of something, he will surely do it. It may not be the way that you wanted him to break you, but nevertheless, he will do it. I have been overwhelmed by the Lord showing me thing after thing that I do and say, that does not necessarily line up with what I say that I believe. There are many ways in which he has shown me this- first it started out subtle, now it has become overtly obvious. I have noticed how I will encourage my students in different ways and really believe what I am saying for their lives and really believe that the Lord can do that for them, but do not believe that the Lord could do that in my own life. I notice how am half-hearted in prayer for myself because I do not think it will necessarily get answered. I do not believe Him with things I feel that He has told me or things that he shown me because I am blinded by my own agenda or by my own hand trying to control things. The Lord has overwhelmed me with scripture about how the Israelites were constantly begging for the Lord to do more and more, and complaining and wanting to go back to a place that was not good for their lives, that the Lord clearly showed them that they need to leave, but out of some sort of comfort zone that they believed to be there, they wanted to go back to that bondage. Instead of praising the Lord for the freedom and provision he was bringing into their lives, they were complaining about the bread and being tired and other such things. This is me...I am constantly going back on what the Lord has asked me to do and asking him, Are you sure this is your plan for me? Are you sure Lord, because I am sure we could figure something out if this is not your will..." All that to say, I am a very silly woman. I am flawed and try to be extremely independent when all I need to be is dependent on the Lord. I ask the Lord why constantly instead of praising Him for where he has brought me and praying for my future and my present. I look way ahead in the future and choose to believe the lie that the Lord will never answer my request. This is a lie.

"The enemy taunts us with whispers like, You'll never be free. You've tried a hundred times. You go back every time. You're hopeless. You're weak. You're a failure. You don't have what it takes. Every one of these statements about you is a lie if you are believer in Christ. You do have what it takes. You have Jesus- the way, the truth, and the Life. But you can't just believe in him to be free from your stronghold. You have to believe Him."

Beth Moore; Praying God's Word

I have to believe this because that is what His word says. When I read this passage and some of the verses that I will follow this post up with I was taken aback. It is always amazing to me how the Lord knows when to hit you right between the eyes. This unbelief is a tricky little thing too because it is not like I am really wanting to not choose the truth. I do, but I am constantly believing these lies that are set before me. Now, have I chased it with truth? Obviously not because I am still dealing with this. This is where I have gone wrong...I must chase this unbelief away with what the truth is and what the truth says.

And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to go must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

Hebrews 11:10

For some reason, one I don't quite know yet, the Lord has been showing me a lot about Moses. I have even had someone tell me that I am a Moses of my day....in which after the Lord has been showing me SO much that has to do with Moses and the Israelites. (Again, my fear of man is coming out a bit on sharing this with the blogging community- all five of you that read this- because I am afraid that someone will think I am trying to brag, or I am just being, well I don't know...but it just scares me a bit to share that.) Now why...again, not quite sure, other than the whole disbelief thing...but here are some verses with that too:

"By faith Moses, when he was born was hidden for three months by his parents, because they saw that the child was beautiful, and they were not afraid of the king's edict. By faith Moses, when he was grown up, refused to be called the song of Pharaoh's daughter, choose rather to be mistreated with the people of God than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. He considered reproach of Christ greater wealth than treasures of Egypt, for he was looking to the reward. By faith he left Egypt, not being afraid of the anger of the king, for he endured as seeing him who is invisible. By faith he kept the Passover and sprinkled blood, so that the Destroyer of the firstborn might touch them. By faith the people crossed the Red Sea as if on dry land, but the Egyptians, when they attempted to do the same, were drown."

Hebrews 11:23-29

The Lord is faithful. The Lord is good. The Lord gives us strength in Him, and wants me. Little, obsessive-compulsive, messy apartment, impatient, constantly complaining and questioning me. :) And he wants you too. We just have to be able to believe HIM.

We act out what we believe. Not what we know.

Vickie Arruda

Whew, and with that, I am done for the night. God is good...and he is continuing to show me how great he actually his. I am out for his renown and my heart aches for him.

Love you guys...

I'm sooo excited, and I just can't hide it!!!!!!!

2009-03-09T20:21:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer- Evidently I still do not know how to post pictures and write so the pictures come first on this post! Sorry. Here are some pics from the Cheer banquet-

the charm bracelet my kids got me:)My gIRLS!

One of my girls, Haley and I!
Lacey and I! I think she is more peppy than I am!!
Erin and I!!

The coaches...a little blurry:)

A few updates...and I am not going to lie it may sound like I am bragging a bit, but I am just excited!

(This will probably be a little out of order!)

1. I received an email tonight being asked to come speak at the AISD Career Expo due to me being recommended by my principal as an "exceptional first year teacher"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!! I AM SOOO EXCITED I CAN BARELY STAND IT! I totally did a little dance around my apartment today!!!!! I am not trying to brag...its just stuff like this has always been my dream so I just am super excited! :) I'll let you know what happens with all of that!

2. We had a cheer banquet this past weekend and I am just so proud of my girls! I have really enjoyed watching them grow not only as cheerleaders but as young women! I will be coaching JV next year so I get to move up with these girls. I am very excited:) *the pictures are above*

3. The Lord is showing me a lot of cool things right now. I will write more about that later...it is some stuff I am still working through.

All in all everything is going good! It is late and I will post again soon. Just wanted to catch you up! LOVE YOU GUYS!

A face lift...if you will :)

2009-02-18T18:06:00.000-08:00

I will post soon... I am trying to figure out something new with this blog. So much has changed since I first started blogging so I thought I would change my blog up a bit!

more to come! L.O.V.E Y.O.U. allllll!!

I leave you with a picture...more to come SOON!

A big day

2009-01-19T20:43:00.001-08:00

you know, all though I did not vote for Obama, I think there is some sort of pride in the fact that we, as America, have gotten far enough where a black man has been elected and will be the next president of the United States. I teach kids who everyday come to school heavy-hearted and at times beaten down by life. They have circumstances that are far beyond anything I have ever had to deal with, and just in watching them, I think that tomorrow's inauguration will be a very big moment in their lives. Where some of them do not really know much about politics, or they listen to their parents, and tend to agree with what they say...I know to each of the minorities, which are now, really majorities in the United States, this is a huge day for them. It is a huge day for each and every one of the kids I teach because it is history. They are going to be watching history in the making.

I do not know why today has affected me in the way that it has. I have thought a lot about Martin Luther King Jr, everything he stood for, and wondering what he would think about everything that will be happening tomorrow. I have thought a lot about the prejudice people there are in America thinking that there is no way that a black man can run this country, or even wishing bodily harm upon him. I have thought about people thinking that the world is ending because he is in office. Bottom line with that is that the Lord is in control. Obama could run us into the ground, or be the best president we have ever had. That is only for the Lord to know and time to tell. However, when I think about these things, my mind goes back to my kids at school. What they go through on a daily basis, and what they have been taught about stereotypes and what they are worth because of what treatment they have been shown. I think about how we talk about that there is no color, but there is a personality and depth and life and a soul behind each every INDIVIDUAL in my class. I guess my hope in this time of "change" is that we, as adults, really do implement a change. That we be the change we long to see in our nation, and in our community. That we think about what the Lord has for our lives, and implement what he is showing us on a daily basis. That we go to the word before we open our mouths, and we seek Him before we seek ourselves. This is a tall order... I know, and all day that is what I have been thinking about. The thing is...we (through the Lord) can be hope, and change, and light for the kids I teach, and even for their parents that I do not see. Racism, judgement, inappropriate behavior towards others that we do not know can end with us. So, although I do not agree with all of our new president's policies, I will support our president because that is what we are called to do right now. I will also support him because I have 150 kids looking at me everyday as an example for what an adult should be. I plead with you to be that example for someone that you are around as well, because it could affect one of the families of a child I am teaching...

An encouraging verse:

This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.

1 John 5:3-5

I love you guys. Sorry this is so serious tonight...this has just been on my heart.